Shit I Wrote About Facebook

Do not get me wrong, My Dearly Beloved, I like to Facebook. See, nothing compares to the disappointment of finding out how much time you've wasted on other people's business. Absolutely nothing. There is masturbation, but that dedicated art of pounding dick at least erupts in this satisfying climax that is both familiar and addictive. Like-ing does not get you anywhere near the object of your predatory erection's pants.
Oh wait. It does.

Meanwhile, here's a list of nonsense writing that's pointed at everybody's favorite waste of time. That includes myself, of course. I've been writing about Facebook since 2010. This blog's first write up, however, was posted in 2003. It's about breakfast. I have very little to show for it aside from this list that's nine items strong. I will argue, however, that the time I spent on Facebook was dedicated to pure research. And if you ask me, I am not buying that research shit.

1. My Rules on Facebook Likes (Thursday, November 20, 2014)

2. A Message for You Facebook Philosophers (Sunday, September 04, 2011)

3. What to Write on Jesus' Facebook Wall (Friday, May 24, 2013)

4. Truly, Facebook Brings Out the Attention Whore in Each of Us (Wednesday, March 17, 2010)

5. The Seven Annoying Facebook Posters (Introducing The Loser Meter!) (Sunday, November 07, 2010, and this was reposted just recently because it is still relevant)

6. Here's a Tip on What To Like in Facebook (Saturday, June 25, 2011)

7. I Hate Your "Omg I'm So Ugleeeehhh Huhuhu" Facebook Selfie (Friday, August 02, 2013)

8. This is Why I Hate Your Second "I'm Bored" Facebook Status (Friday, July 26, 2013)

9. Blog Soup #11: Your Facebook Status Sucks, Breaking the Three Month Rule, and Hooray for Smelly Third World Shit! (Wednesday, January 05, 2011)

The Seven Annoying Facebook Posters (Introducing The Loser Meter!)

**Seven. Like the deadly sins. And in spite of this, I'm glad that Facebook doesn't have a Post On a Need to Know Basis in the fine print. I wouldn't have material otherwise. And before we begin with this playful list, I challenge you, my Dearly Beloved reader, to ask yourself this.



I am writing a post that will boost my Facebook posts, but that took longer than an erection on some pothead. That explains this repost. I wrote this in November 2010. It can use an update, but it's still relevant.

Seven. Like the deadly sins. I will be updating this post soon to include "The Sudden Expert," "The Nearly Faceless," and "The Spoiler." 

1. The "I Heart My Macchiato" Poster
This is usually accompanied by a picture of a half eaten banofee pie and a Tall Caramel Macchiato with their name painstakingly made visible on that one shot. I get it. You have hand-me-down taste. And it would have been so very special, so damned special if there weren't one billion of your social climbing kind out there. Underscore would have been. Stick to your calls.

LOSER RATING: This poster doesn't qualify. There's nothing wrong with this kind of poster, but a ratio of four Machiato posts to one generic post is doubtful.

2. The 20-year Old Kid and His Unsolicited Love Advice
I say grow up, get yourself a haircut, move out of your parents' house, start supporting yourself, and then tell me about it. If I wanted advice on that crazy little thing called love, then I'd get me a mother fucking fortune cookie. Or read the horoscope. Or buy me a Bob Ong book and then count the number of times he's been plagiarized by you little boys and girls just for the devilish fun of it.

LOSER RATING: Doesn't qualify. I'm not saying you're dumb. Far from it. I simply have no employment for your advice.

3. The "I Hate Your Guts, But I'm Too Chicken to Tell It To Your Face, So I'll Post a Shout Out Instead and Wait for the Comments Because I'd Rather Have Sympathy Over Courage"
They were mighty fluent during the last election period. And they can't get enough exclamation points. I had to import mine from China.

LOSER RATING:





4. The "I Have a New Post in My Blog, and I Will Be Too Cross-Eyed with Delight If You Guys Can Click on this Link Here."
Faggot, if we know you have a blog, and if we liked the shit you wrote about the last time you endorsed your proud waste of internet space, then we'll bookmark you, and you don't have to ask. So stop distracting me, bitch. I'm uploading my macchiato/banofee pics.

LOSER RATING:






5. The "I'm Telling You Anway" Poster
Personally, this has got to be the most self-absorbed of the lot. He's too self-absorbed, you'd think his physical constitution is made of up 40% water and 60% cotton. He posts about the most useless triviality, the most unusable detail, the superficial more often than not that he prompts the question:

And we should know this because?

Really, we're just so positively thrilled that you "just woke up :)," or that you're "cooking beef tapa," or that you're "4 cm na," but seriously, why do I need to know that?
LOSER RATING:





6. The "Poor You" Poster
There's this one loser in my network who shouted out that he's not going to be on Facebook for a few days. Nobody made a comment. A few days later, he posted a follow up shout out saying he's back. Again, nobody posted a comment. Sigh, this poor thing was thinking somebody cared. Let it be known that this facet of social networking, i.e. getting ignored, is most certainly heart breaking because it defeats the point of a subscription. But I have to admit, that shit is entertaining most especially when that somebody is getting ignored twice.

It can be argued that this kind of poster, the "Poor You" poster, is a distant relative of the "I'm Telling You Anyway" poster , but unlike the latter, the often-ignored "Poor You" poster is amusing. Because he's relentless.

His shallow shout outs, and that's a staggering understatement, rarely, if not never, get the props he was shooting at. Like the "I'm Telling You Anyway" poster, this attention whore just can't cut it, but, for some reason, he's far too encouraged by all that conceit that he goes for yet another nip at attention. Which he doesn't get. One can be led to believe that all the 300-plus people in this loser's network died over the weekend. Or he's just dead to them to begin with, and he's just there for quantity. The poor little bastard needs a consolation, so here's a customized comment you can use if you suspect one of these losers in your network:

"I don't know where you get your sense of entitlement, but you need to lose it."

LOSER RATING:






7. The "I Like What I Said" Poster
There was this one gay loser kid (Jesus, I need to trim these people down) in my network who posted that he's in a relationship. And it looks like he liked it so much that he was the first one to click on the LIKE link. Which doesn't make sense to me, because you don't post things like that if you didn't. Now it would have been fantastic, like in a fantasy, if his audience humored his bullshit, like good fucking sports, but no. The "I Like What I Said" poster's was the only acknowledgment on his own shout out. And that's just sad.

Imagine laughing at your own joke because nobody found it funny. That's the "I Like What I Said" poster for you, and he's an unprecedented height of pathetic. Because he's doing it for the fake props, and not to save face.
LOSER RATING:

What If

**I wanted to pitch in, but I had too many ideas. So I wrote them down instead for your reading pleasure, My Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts. 

Thank you, Mr. Johnson, for starting this.

1. What if Corinne Bailey Rae didn't put her records on? 

2. What if Gloria Estefan, the Miami Sound Machine, and everybody did not do the conga?

3. What if Wiz Khalifa and Snoop Dogg weren't young, wild and free?

4. What if Adele gave up and stopped chasing pavements? 

5. What if Air Supply wasn't all out of love, Bright Eyes? 

6. What if Bon Jovi didn't want to lay you down on a bed of roses? 

7. What if Bob Marley wasn't waiting in vain? 

8. What if Adam Sandler didn't want to grow old with you? 

9. What if Mariah Carey's hero did not come along because he didn't have the strength to carry on? 

10. What if Kelis' Milkshake didn't bring all the boys to the yard? And what if she did teach you, and she didn't have to charge?

11. What if Mr Big didn't want to be with you? 

12. What if someone told Louis Armstrong that it wasn't a wonderful world at all? 

13. What if Elton John didn't feel the love tonight? And there wasn't a calm surrender to the rush of day? 

14. What if Diana Ross didn't stop? In the name of love? 

15. What if Blackstreet had diggity? 

16. What if someone disagreed with Barry Manilow and told him that the nights weren't any better at all?

17. What if Pink didn't get the pary started? 

18. What if Whitney Houston wasn't every woman after all? 

19. What if Wild Cherry didn't get white boy to play that funky music? Not even until he died? 

20. What if Foreigner, Wynonna Judd, Tina Arena, and Mariah Carey all changed their mind and decided they didn't want to know what love is? 

Life Lessons at 30. Who Knew?

**I will be 31 next month, and I feel like documenting what maturity has developed in my bullshit person. This list pretty much covers just about everything that I have learned so far. This may not apply to you, but that's alright. It's your life, and you have your own lessons. But I believe in learning something as you go along. Otherwise, what the hell's the damn point?

**What makes this ironic is that I was half-drunk when I was writing most of this. And that was longhand. I looked back at this in the afternoon following the hangover, and I was expecting to read some slurred ramble, but I sounded sober as I was reading this back.

1. Shit Happens. Get over it.

From the Post: Sooo... This is What a Breakup Feels Like

2. The friends you've had for these five, ten years approaching your thirtieth will be the same set of darling assholes you're stuck with for the next five, ten, fifteen years of your life. Appreciate them, and acknowledge their influence. You chose to stick with them in the first place, right?

3. The scope of support that the family you are born with will never cease to amaze you. Find time to do something together.

From the Post: Sanctuary -- A Post With Very Little F-words and a Lot of Drama

4. The earlier you move out of your mother's house, the better. Independence builds character. And, by the same token, I would like to say this one related thing, and I say this with the sincerity of a medical diagnosis -- Life lessons (from people who still live with their parents) are a mighty empty mess. I'm not buying it. Put a lid on your second hand hearsay. They have the strength of a superstition.

Yeah, if you can support yourself at the age of five, then go for it. Fucken smart ass.

5. Looking for the love of your life is a thoroughly unproductive pursuit. He finds you, instead. I know the cheesy is just over the top. I know. I'm getting a piece of rope and a monoblock chair to stand on and kick later.

6. Find time to do the things that make you feel alive. Read a good book. Smell the coffee and then drink it warm. Laugh out loud. Hang out. Play pool. Get tattooed. Sing in the shower. Do it loud. Dance alone. Masturbate. Get drunk. Get laid. Do it again.

7. Nothing else takes up more of your time than regret. What do you propose to do about it?

8. Okay, age is just a number. But, believe it or not, it shows on your face. Moisturize.

9. If, in consequence, you don't have to pay bail for it, or it doesn't get you confined, then, by all means, get it done.

10. Don't get so worked up over stupid opinions. I mean, why?

11. Never think you're prettier. Or better. Somebody's bound to steal your thunder, by and by.

12. Allow me to quote Mark Twain -- "Jealousy is a property of small minds." Be real good at something, work at it and practice, until you get to the point of over-qualification.

13. Be good at something, even if its in the fine, delicate arts of foulmouthing or masturbation. It doesn't matter what. But make sure you excel at it.

14. You are bigger than your blog.

15. You should have more of an identity than your Facebook page or status.

That's Lewis Black. Genius, isn't he? Meanwhile, here are some of my Facebook-specific posts:

1. Blog Soup #11: Your Facebook Status Sucks, Breaking the Three Month Rule, and Hooray for Smelly Third World Shit!
2. The Seven Annoying Facebook Posters
3. Truly, Facebook Brings Out the Attention Whore in Each of Us.

16. You should have an offline life. It's becoming uncommon these days.

17. One should be comfortable with his or her sexual orientation by the age of thirty. Or at least be honest about it. You had thirty years to figure that out.

18. Some people are just unwashed assholes by default, and that can't be helped. You just have to be an asshole in return. Be a bigger dick, though. That's the only way it works.

1. How to be Rude
2. How to Be Rude: Burgers

19. Life is about living. Live long. That being said, it will be in your finest interest if you could just stay away from that faggot Jim Girl. He will frustrate you to an early grave.

If you have to hate something, then hate with a passion.
1. Fuck You Jim Girl, Here's Your One Thousand Words
2. What, No Career Yet? -- A Follow Up on Jimgirl's Epic Fail

20. An advice for couples who have moved in together -- In no way should you allow him to feel left out. Never, ever, let this happen. Defend this cause with everything in your artillery. I know this is the kind of default wisdom that goes well without saying, and I could be a fool for stating the obvious. But for the most part, we overlook the obvious, and fail in its consideration, when one of you starts sleeping in the sofa. And you do this for weeks on end, because you claim it's suddenly much more comfortable to sleep in the living room.

21. You know what they say, "It's not the size that counts, it's the performance." People who say this have needles for dicks, don't get hard enough, cum early, have massive penis envy, and they wouldn't know foreplay from a hole in the ground. Size does matter. We remember the girth more. Get over it. Get enlarged and, in consequence, a penis to match your ego.

22. I can probably outdrink some of you now.

Taken from the Post: Cheers to Drinking Advice!

Momel's Top 7 Un-Funniest People in Philippine Showbiz

**Think of it this way: you can collect all their funniest moments and you have a four-minute compilation which includes the credits. And I really need to update this list. Any suggestions, you darling, darling punks?


1. Ruby Rodriguez
She's getting pied in the face by Tito, Vic and Joey for over ten years now, and none of that comic genius ain't rubbing off. She needs to learn that overacting is so totally not funny.










2. Raffy Rodriguez
Who says we don't have a Jim Carrey wannabe? I remember this Rodriguez for his exaggerated facial expressions and stretched grin. Maybe he was thinking that his sister's such a blockbuster with her excessive OA, he might as well adapt her secret to success to his blossoming showbiz career. We're talking about the same career which resigned itself to obscurity after three movies (It's Cool Bulol, April Boys' Sana Makapiling Ka Muli, and Ikaw ang Miss Universe ng Buhay Ko) within a four year span.

Unfunny brother on the left. Unfunny sister on the right. This was the best Raffy Rodriguez picture I can steal off the web. I suppose he was too unpopular for any publicity pictures himself.


3. Smokey Manaloto
He shared a house "along da riles" with Dolphy, and he appeared in at least 20 movies which included the classic SuperMouse and the Roborats ("Ilabas mo. Ang iyong. La-wit"). But he was never funny for some unknown reason.






4. Anjo Yllana
He did have his moments as Dino, Barbara Tengco's (Tessie Tomas) trigger-happy retarded kid in Abangan ang Susunod na Kabanata, but he's still corny due to his association with Smokey Manaloto as Count Takeshi. He's currently trying to channel Dino with his Bulagaan jokes, and that's what cemented him in my list. The retard kid's not as funny without the equally damaged, but in no way dull, Barbara Tengco.







5. Giselle Sanchez
If most comedians are smart at the very least, then it should follow that a magna cum laude is going to be a riot. She should be glad that she can still capitalize on her good skin and her nice rack. It's either that or she should practice catching trash from her SST audience.





6. Cita Astals
I heard she used to work as a councilor for the local government. Which was a good working environment for somebody with her comic mettle. Actually, any working environment with no room for comedy should be perfect for somebody with Cita Astals' comic mettle.

She currently has my sympathies.




7. Eric Quizon
Having the King of Philippine Comedy as your father doesn't necessarily make you the Princess by default. It doesn't work that way. Is it really that hard to be funny if you're still hiding in the closet? And who's in the mood for some irony? He used to co-star with Redford White in RPN's Buddy en Sol where he played the straight man to White's punchlines. FYI, "A straight man is a role in a comedy double act where a performer works with a comedian by setting up the situations or feeding the lines that allow their partner to make a joke."

Imagine the wordplay.

The King of Comedy, who has yet to receive the National Artist Award, is flanked by two of his unfunny sons -- Jeffrey on the left and Eric on the right.

You want a Pair of Open-toe Manolos; You Need a Pedicure

**My decision making process largely revolves around the question: Is it a want or a need? Growing up, I had the professional foresight of my mom and her sisters to reinforce that principle. Trouble is, I grew up jaded and largely distracted, so my wants and needs are borderline independent of each other.



1. You want to be popular; you need a good cosmetic surgeon, or very big tits.

2. You want a tattoo; you need a personality.

3. You want Globe Tattoo for you wireless internet; you need to consider your options. Jessica Zafra calls it a WORTHLESS PIECE OF CRAP.

4. You want your own life; you need to move out of your parents' house.

5. You want to be independent; you need to get a haircut, get your act together, and get a job.

6. You want a boyfriend; you need two, maybe three, of the following - dashing good looks, lots of money, a likeable personality, unbelievable good luck.

7. You want to live long; you need to quit smoking.

8. You want to be cool; you need a punch in the face.

9. You want surgically assigned dimples; you need proper dental hygiene.

10. You want to be feared; you need an sexually transmitted disease. Or a bad case of hair lice.

11. You want to be respected; you need to stop whoring.

12. You want a happening social life; you need to stop being so shallow. You need real people in your social circle.

13. You want a drink; you need a drink. No doubt about it, a man's got the constitutional right to get smashed, most especially if he's a taxpayer. Or WAS a taxpayer. I'll even hand you that shot glass.

14. You want to be very good in bed; you need a prayer.

15. You want to win a talent search and become an overnight celebrity; you need electroconvulsive therapy.

16. You want to stop kissing asses in your dead end job at the office; you need to hand in that resignation letter.

17. You want to finally get laid for the first time; you need to stop being such a nerd and turn that Nintendo off.

18. You want to be a model; you need to be tall, size zero, and you need a striking cuteness that warrants a second look. Yes, all three. Notice how the trying-hard catwalk isn't a pre-requisite? Because they pay professional ramp trainers to teach tall, size zero, and strikingly cute ladies how to walk the walk.

19. You want your Pikachu to evolve into a Raichu; you need to give it a Thunderstone. He hee, can't help the Pokemon talk, sorry.

20. You want to kill yourself and get it all over with; you need a good bellyaching laugh.

21. YOU WANT IT ALL! You need a near-death experience.

This post answers the question "Is it a want or a need?" I just made it current. Picture from Alley Cat Scratch Costume.

There is Truth in Some Forwarded Emails: You, Too, Can Be an Asshole!

**One of my resolutions for this coming year is that I resolve to be a better, well-trained, champion-class, S-rank asshole in 2011. And there are 32 easy ways with which I can make this happen. Remember, you darling punks, practice makes perfect!




HOW TO TICK PEOPLE OFF

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
20. TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:

"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing any song by tapping on the bottom of your chin. Morse code the lyrics if you have to. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Oh, I also have two other posts which you darling punks can peruse if the prior tips weren't enough to scratch your itch. Enjoy!

Sooo... This is What a Breakup Feels Like

**It's not enough that it kills, but it gives you shit ideas at the same time. I don't mind the ideas though. At least I know I'm not crazy yet. And because I'm such a list freak, allow me to practice this obsessive compulsive tendency on the foolish notions that came to me in between the tears and the anger and all that creamy goodness.

1. I lived a life of sin and excess and loose morals and extravagant homosexuality. And then I died and met Joel. Ah! The very mention of his name mutes out Heaven's harps; he was Love in a 5'6 frame. I was confused. I didn't know if I was judged correctly because it was four years of happy and content domestication. We broke up three months before our fifth year, and then I realized that the Divine Authorities passed the right sentence. I've never been in a hell this cruel.

2. I moved out of my mother's apartment more than four years ago just so I have something of my own to go home to. And I did. Or rather, I used to. In the light of our recent break up, I am now just paying rent.

3. You will forgive my being out of character in this post. A lot of the drama in what you are reading now has more potency in it when compared to this extreme drinking session where, of its thirty guests, twenty six of them are horny homosexual men. The other four guests are barely legal male teenagers with experience. Yes, if you could please pay attention to the drama, please.

4. I suppose the only reason why I'm crying now as I'm writing this is because my sister asked me to hang in there. And I feel like writing because I have to make the shedding stop. I should try something! Crying makes me look less rock and roll. And, in passing, I must make a secret habit of this wonderful foreign thing, this crying. That long sigh summarizes the tears and brings with it this marvelous feeling of relief that beats masturbation easy. This long sigh did to my heart what writing and talking about it to my friends failed to do. It lifted this strange weight, and I am now less inclined to endear Joel into memory. I love this crying shit. They never mentioned how good it feels. Fuck those sons of bitches and their Bob Ong plagiarisms. Ahhh! I should sleep better now, I suppose.

5. He arrived within the hour, and we talked. And then we cried. And those were simply the most acidic tears I've ever shed. The skin on my face was intact, but something in my chest was being dissolved by this very potent corrosive.

6. Tomorrow, I will compare all this drama with a jar of surgically excised human appendices floating in embalming fluid. And I will soon find out that there isn't much of a difference, if there was any to begin with. God damn this awful baggage! I wish I could pray this away, but I am a seasonal Catholic, mostly in December. I have a month's practice, in a year, and my prayers will not answer. I will, for now, suffer this imaginary tumor until the next great distraction comes along. I wouldn't mind one with an eight inch cock, although that will take some getting used to. It will be December soon. And then I'll start praying.

7. You will need your funny friends in times like these. Or a friend.


8. Happiness is getting out of the hospital with a prescription for mild painkillers twice a day for a week. No, I'm not dieting on a dumb kind of rice, but then we were expecting a biopsy. I know this doesn't follow, but I was referring to another kind of drama which was simultaneous with the break up and it kept me distracted some.

9. Clearly, the words "heart break" or "heart broken" are, now that I'm suffering, an understatement. My heart didn't break. It dissolved, and in its place remained this burning piece of furious brimstone that melted everything around it. Whoever came up with those terms should be shot because she's common and has a poor choice of words.

10. It's a hearing aid because it doesn't just magnify a song. It lets you hear every line of lyric. And, in the face of these mounting tears, you believe they wrote it for you.

11. The truth is I've had two break ups in 2010. The first one happened in August, and it terminated a six year redhjlajdtionjhfship. I didn't escape that last one in November, either, and it ended a four year love affair with The love of my life. I loved the first one, W, with my internet connection and my landline. On the other hand, I loved the second one, J, with. My. Heart. Fuck that cheese.

There's no question about it, the only time you can call that "two timing," shush your pie hole, is when you just heard that phrase, and you doubt you know what that means, but you use it anyway because you are imagining you are making sense.

Never mind that the first one, with W, is more or less imaginary on account of it was all online with several four-hour phone calls. It was helpful, in a way, because it conditioned me for real devastation. All that practice was most useful. That first relationship, if you can call it that while sober, was established on nothing grounds. It was lacking, but it had perfect timing, and it made for the best toilet training.

12. I have a steady income, a degree in Mathematics, my own apartment with things in it, and I'm living in with the love of my life. I was so cool, I could preserve processed meat. But then we broke up three months before our fifth year, and then my personal estimation suffered. But I will endure and emerge, and then I will be cooler. I have a vision -- I will be keeping ice and canned beer cold. Blecch.

More Hate! Or Updating the Hate List Part Two

**You'd think I have a story to tell by the way numbers 50 and 51 are highlighted.

46. Imagined life lessons from the mouths of sheltered little boys and girls who talk wise about shit like they're the next big Maya Angelou or something. Stop cluttering my Facebook Page with what second hand senseless shit you picked up from your similarly clueless friends. Listen here, kid, move out of your parents' house, start supporting yourself, and then tell me about it.

47. People who just can't move on. He doesn't love you no more, and he couldn't have made it any more distinct when he gave you the finger two years back. And you're still depressed over the same thing?

48. Tagalized songs. I know we're a mostly smiling race, in our own funny third world way that is, but seriously people. Shut the fuck up already, will you?

49. Cab and tricycle drivers who overcharge AND THEN have the balls to tell you that you should be aware of such overnight fare increases in the first place. And then you find out the next day, to your chagrin, that nobody approved of these increases to begin with.

50. Fixers who wasted no time in hypnotizing your full payment out of you to have that passport renewed. These are the same cheating motherfuckers who took their time in processing your passport. And that's if you were lucky enough to have any such transactions occur in the first place. Oh I so hate this now with the white-hot loathing that uncharacteristically gullible people reserve for two-bit scammers.

51. Mysterious turns in the business processes. Like when the business office suddenly closed shop on the same day they scheduled you for your personal appearance.

In the mood for More Hate?
1. My Hate List
2. Updating the Hate List

101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes

**He's just like Mark Twain, if only Far More Obscene and just recently dead. 2008 is recent compared to what, 1910? Anyway, he's this fantastic stand up comic whose career spanned a prime 47 years. He once said “life is worth losing.” What's not to love about a guy who can say such crap and get away with it? He's all that, but he's best remembered for his "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television."

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. That's them. And here's a hundred and one of his greatest quotes, although there are around three in this list that aren't largely his. My favorites are in bold.

1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82. “No comment” is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93. Hooray for most things!
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

The Trouble With a Three Month Hiatus

I call it the Blogger's On/Off Switch

hiatus (plural hiatus or hiatuses)

1. A break or pause.
2. A gap in a series, making it incomplete.

Taken from Wiktionary

1. Your readership begins to think that you are beginning to quit blogging.

2. Your traffic begins to slow down, your hits dwindle to an all time low, and your recent posts appear ignored since the comments aren't there anymore. Not as they used to.

3. Your internet presence grows weak. You want to reach out to your readership and make some lame excuse like "another life distracts you from blogging."

4. You go back after a two to three month absence only to find out that several people in your blog roll have decided to quit blogging altogether. It's either that or they're just beginning to take a break from it. Just like you did three months ago.

5. You find it hard to arouse your readership. See, your recent one post a month ratio these past three months make you easy to ignore. Most especially when, just recently, you're only bloghopping to solicit comments for your posts.

6. You begin to notice how pathetic your template looks like compared to those heavily updated and newly widget-ed blogs you used to visit. This makes for a great segue for number 7.

7. You begin to develop blog envy. That's penis envy for bloggers. This makes for a great segue for number 8.

8. You realize it's been three months, but you feel so left out and so last year.

9. You begin to think, in a fit of misguided righteous indignation, if you really regret going on a blog hiatus after all. But then you realize you're just saying that. You miss your folks alright. And you find out there's no changing that.

10. You realize that it's not how it used to be.

Remembering Obsessions

**I'm sure you guys have those little things that kept you busy at one point. Games and hobbies which made you eight years old again for at least a day or two. And then you went on ahead to graduate to better pre-occupations; you learned to masturbate. And what you have left, in the wake of your increasingly horny preoccupations, next to your growing collection of porn, is this boxful of boardgames and pretty pictures in little cards, stashed away to double as pretty dust collectors with sentimental value.

1. Magic the Gathering = This refreshes my memory as a mathematician in training. My battlefield was Lopez Canteen in UST, somewhere in P. Noval. It's got nerds and geeks and a good serving of male stink. Ahhh, what fresh hell is this?

2. Monopoly = It's a childhood memory associated with noisy scheming. Add a little bit of trash talking, some money laundering, and a whole hell of red tape, and you've got this two to three hour race to conquer Park Avenue. Honestly, that Amazing Race stint has got nothing on us.

3. Bingo = We don't bet much, but we're praying like it's the freaking lottery. Plus, it moonshines as a refresher to what pop culture we have left.

4. Console Gaming = I still remember how you get the thirty lives in Super Contra and the hundred lives in Super Mario Brothers. Last game I played was Final Fantasy 12 at home, and I'm actually thinking of tattooing the symbols in the Playstation D-Pad.

I was evolving my Pokemon Mankey into a Primeape on the GBA this last New Year's Eve. And it did on the first fifteen minutes of 2007.

5. Nope, no Barbie dolls in this gay guy's childhood.

Updating the Hate List

36. FX drivers who make a "quick stop" to the gasoline station en route to your destination. No, they don't mind at all if the five minutes it takes for the refill was all you need to get to work on time.

37. Call center agents who go overboard with their obviously fake American accents. That and the "borrowed" lifestyle that goes with it.

38. The news. Seriously, the news. There's just nothing good about it. The only good news can only come from my physician. Or Mon Tulfo.

39. Them people who say that they "don't care what other people think." Yeah, right. If what other people think don't matter to you as you claim they don't, then why do you have to let them know? Why do you feel like you need to write that down? Why do you have to broadcast your disinterest and lack of concern? There goes the foul smell of irony in your general direction.

Talk about self-defeating.

40. You can tell #39 got to me a little. But not as much as the government gets to me. I try to ignore it by not exercising my right to vote proactively since I think that's not enough grounds to get me imprisoned. Unless they, being the overly hateful posers they are, waste productive time in getting us in the same eight by six room with those flying voters.

41. Old people who gossip their way to notoriety. They do it like it was the complete summary of everything they learned in their prime. They make me wonder: Whatever happened to the wisdom in old age?

42. I mentioned this before, but let me say it again: low self esteem. Really. There is always something to be proud of. Unless we're referring to this new recording artist and all that shamelessness.

43. Ha haa, I reserve the right to be completely self defeating in this hate post. So let me laugh. I mean, have you heard Gabby Eigenmann sing? That in itself would be perfect for #42, but then, I'll have to make way for his acute lack of judgment. I'm going with the lesser evil. I'm going with his singing.

44. The materialism in Christmas. Call me a hypocrite; I do like expensive Christmas gifts, festive Christmas dinners, and going to Christmas parties with new threads on. But what makes it hateful is these things make Christmas more of a privilege than anything else.

How do you participate in this season of giving when you have nothing to give?

Minus the appeal to sympathy and all that weak shit, what I'm really trying to say is that it sucks to be broke on Christmas.

45. That being said, let's all brace ourselves for that hellraising havoc due in eight weeks: last minute shopping. It's more character building, or defeating, or revealing to be more specific as compared to sports. And it's just as sweaty.

Click here for The Hate List (1-35)

My 10 Favorite Posts

Here's a little list of some of the creamiest crap you'll ever find in this here blahg of bull. I like some of them because of the comments, some trigger a smile and a funny recollection, and some because of the inflamed passion I've always invested when referring to such issues.

I make passion sound like an infection, don't I? But still, feel free to browse through some of, in my personal understanding, through some of my better pieces.

These are enumerated in no certain order, just the way I like it. Ten's a random number. It might as well be seven, fourteen, two, or, for the love of excessive self promotion, eighty three since that's all of the posts I've written since day one. Day one was almost two years ago. Yes, I know 2005 is not two years ago, but my first blog was, and a third of the content in this here blahg of bull was transferred from my first blog.

So there.

1. Momel's Take: The Unwritten Rules of Blogging
My personal code of blogger conduct. Underscore MY, it being the operative term.

2. Growing Up Gay Part 1: Another Gay Baby
I like using self explanatory titles. That pretty much explains why I hate answering questions referring to my titles.

3. Confessions of a Telemarketer
I used to be one telemarketer almost two years ago. Interesting thing, that telemarketing gig.

4. In Defense of Call Center Agents
I have this growing inclination to bash almost everybody sporting a fake accent, and that includes
myself. But I still remember to love my own. I still do.

5. My Hate List
Oprah Winfrey once suggested, not to me personally, that we enumerate at least five things we are personally grateful for. That's on a daily basis. I don't have that much discipline and I'm no Oprah Winfrey. But this is just as therapeutic.

6. In Between Bookmarks and Dog-Ears
This was supposed to be a confession, and it remained as such all throughout, but there was something else involved in this post. And that's another confession for you.

7. Lemuel
Simply the dumb-dumbest telemarketer you'll want to talk to. Hands down. No contest.

8. MEL Versus the "Discreetly Bisexual, Man-Eating PAMINTA"
Is this always going to be as old as time?

9. Presenting Your Gay Nine-Ball Champion
And to quote Momel, I get to be this accomplished in one of my better passions, and nothing, for the time being, could be as remarkable.

10. Friendships in the Event of an Appendectomy
I was bitter when I wrote this.

The picture you see in there is that of a Russian woman with a mouth full of golden teeth due to extremely poor hygiene. Clearly, this goes to show that, there is still something of value even in the stinkiest and filthiest and rottenest of places. Pretty much like what you're seeing in this here blahg of bull. Oh, enjoy the leftover morbid while you're at it.