Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Blog Soup #11: Your Facebook Status Sucks, Breaking the Three Month Rule, and Hooray for Smelly Third World Shit!

So, if a picture paints a thousand words, then a screen shot of a Facebook status is equivalent to about... seven Facebook statuses? We all know how wordy some of these people get with their self-entitlement; their nonsense runs at a rate of 100 words a minute. Who cares about the pricey Starbucks breakfast you had this morning after your call center shift? Who cares about the pricey Papa Johns dish you had for lunch? I am charitable by default, but I don't give a half-baked cross-eyed fuck over what boring rhetoric you have on the table. Talk about the pricey 16-year old cock you sucked on last evening, or some other embarrassing secret we know you're keeping, and I'll get back to you then.

I remember that wonderful Lewis Black saying this on AOTS (Attack of the Show):

How big of an ego do I have that makes me believe that people will be interested in what I have to say?

That being said, allow me to say this, and I say this on a spiritual note -- fuck your stupid breakfast. Now, eat your heart out, and let me show you what a relevant status is like:

Or not. Ahaha, you know I'm a jerk, and I wanted to show you guys one of the better lines I wrote for the coming New Year. It's so last year, I know, but I loved it so much I should be proposing to it. But that's just sick, so I posted it again.

The message of the post was some quality shit. I suppose I have moved on. But there was this one time in December where I wrote this note a few minutes after B left. I tried to see if I can start dating again. To hell with the three-month rule. Anyway, I used B for practice, and I gather he didn't mind. And here's what I wrote, and I transcribed it in one of my favorite Windows Applications, Notepad:

Now it took me about six days to do another update, and my nipples weep in apology. But I was on to something, and that is this. Ladies and gentlemen, presented for your self-pleasure, Smelly Third World Shit!

It's a new tab, or a page, in his here Blahg of Bull. Check that out if you have time and are too tired to masturbate. Enjoy, you darling punks!

And speaking of Facebook, you might want to check this out, as well. Click the banner!


  1. Dati, pulos sabaw at kagaguhan ang mga status na pino-post ko sa FB. Ngayon, madalang na ako mag-FB status. S-t-a-l-k-i-n-g makes me busy on my Facebook HAHA.

    Oh, I visited your profile. Can I add you?

    I liked your FB poster entry. :)

  2. Anonymous9:11 PM

    may kakilala akong blogger din na mahilig mag post ng starbucks churva nya sa FB. syempre di ko na sasabihin.

    Bryan Stars

  3. Ako naman, madalang na lang din mag-status sa FB. Hehe. =)

  4. Angry Momel! Starting the year with full on angst! Hahaha!

    I used to "Like" self-absorbed status updates in my friends' walls, just me being sarcastic. I stopped when I realized they thought I really liked their posts.

  5. i get "active" FB-ing during the holidays.

    i've read some of the smelly 3rd world shit entries..i'll be having my annual leave soon, so panigurado mas madaming time magbasa

  6. ako hindi na ako nagcocoment o naglilike...deretso delete na agad sa friend's list....ganun dapat sa mga taong walang ginawa kundi ang mag post about SB and other shits.

  7. your fb status didnt catch my attention, your pic did. supermodel ka pala ateh! inggit ako! pls lang!

  8. Kahapon lang nakabasa ako ng FB status na tapos na sya mag toothbrush. Hutahena lang. Nag aantay ba syang may magcomment at mag alok na tulungan syang mag mumog?

    And I remember that Seven Annoying Facebook Posters you published a few months ago! Yey!

  9. Hmmm...mabuti na lang at nakaseparate ang comments section sa blogspot, otherwise, I wouldn't be able to say anything shitty here because anything with the word facebook in it (or any other social media site, for that matter) is blocked in the office so this is also to let you know that I can't open the link to your other postdue to its title :-(

    I only access my fb to check my friends' statuses and see who has the biggest ahole in the universe. Some of them post mundane things like changing their car's tires (mundane para saken kasi mayaman sila at importante sa kanila yun. saken hindi. bwahahaha! bitter ocampo much?)

    In any case, my FB status updates are usually about my kids and our conversations because that's my way of preserving those moments, which are, to me, precious. haha!

    sige, date lang nang date. just be careful not to amaze them too much with your wit. On the contrary, that should be a valuable way of testing if there's something in between those ears. pero kung gwapo at maganda ang katawan, keribels lang.

    oh, and I really wouldn't want to be one of your enemies. I shudder at how you would describe me. bwahahahaha! ;-)

  10. hooooooy nga pala. pag inadd kita sa fb, iaaccept mo ko? hihihi!

  11. What a wonderful set of punk comments!

    Ronnie -- Uyy, stalker! Maganda yan, tuloy mo lang yan. Hanggang walang intervention ang mga pulis eh stalk lang ng stalk lang ng stalk! Oo naman, please add me to you FB network!

    Amiga Bryan -- Flangak! Yan ang hindi ko talaga ma-gets eh, kung bakit kailangan mag-post ka ng pic ng Macchiato mo eh nakakita na naman kami niyan? At bakit kailangang ulit ulitin? Ibang usapan, shempre, kung halimbawang Matador yan o Red Horse at may invitation na kalakip diba? Uy, I will approve the request when I get home. Ikaw pah!

    Tsina -- It's a tie. Ako naman eh nagi-status na lang sa FB pag halimbawang nage-endorse ako ng bagong blog post. Yun lang. Or if may matalinhagang bullsyet akong naisip at kailangan kong ipagkalat na parang STD.

    Glentot -- Di naman mashado! Medio one length pa nga siya eh, tapos yung sa bandang kanan eh naka-ipit lang sa tenga. Ahh, angst ba? Honga eh, napansin ko rin yun nung pini-preview ko na yung post ko. Napag-isip isip ko: Aba, ganado ako!

    Meanwhile, I only LIKE certain posts when I really mean it. Everything else nearly sucks. I'm thinking of writing Mark Zuckenberg and suggesting an amendment to his brainchild. There should be a DISLIKE Link. Or a Boo Link. Or a Go to Hell, Goddamn Sonofabitch Link. Or a What a Retarded Loser Link. Or a Did You Fall from the Crib and Landed on Your Head When You Were a Kid? Link Or a --- aw hell, you probably get it.

    Orally -- Awww, you will? You really, really will? I know you love me. ♫I know you care. I shout whenever, and you'll be there. ♪

    Malditz -- Ahaha, pamatay peste yang gawaing yan. Gusto ko yan. Hindi siya anti-social, steady lang. Lalo akong napamahal sa yo, Bhie, dahil sa ganyang mga panukala. Ahaha!

    Lyka -- Alam mo yan. Hindi natatakal ang ganyang postura. Gayunpaman ay maraming ginalit ang larawang yan. Marami akong natanggap na death threats dahil sa syet na posing na yan. "Mamatay ka na baklaa!" ang sabi. Subalit sorry na lang sila sapagkat uunahan sila ng aking stage four osteoporosis. Gaddamet.

    Vajarl -- Meron one time, may isa akong ka-network (yehess, artistahin), tapos nilagay niyang status eh "Hindi ko talaga ma-perfect tong beef kembot na to." Hindi na verbatim yan. Anyway, kung gusto niyang magtagumpay ang kanyang beef kembot eh bakit hindi na lang siya mag practice diba? At nakuha pa niyang mag login sa Facebook.

    Tapos nung isang beses eh may nag-status: "OMG, four cm na ko, hindi pa rin puwede!"

    Manganganak na si frenship.

    Poooo-tanginang adik yan. Yan ang papatay sa akin, maniwala ka.

    Kaye -- There's always another day for the other post. I hope you like it! Mundane is the word, but that's being generous. If you're feeling adventurous, however, find it in your person to peruse any of the following choice words: SHALLOW, STUPID, NONSENSE, DAFT, DUMB, BORING, LOSER, LIFELESS, DO YOU HAVE AN OFFLINE LIFE AT ALL

    I don't mind mom posts; I think they're darling!

    Sana mag dilang anghel ka, Kaye, date na date na talaga ko. Nami-miss ko na yung may ka-yakap, ka-tandayan, ka-landian, ka-kan ... at kung anu ano pang fun and exciting prizes! I read of this fantastic tip from Jonny Mo (Resident Straight Columnist for that there is a way for you to tell if the other guy is interested. Ask him three questions. And if he asks you questions, too, then that's a sign. Can't wait to test that sound logic.

    Oo naman, add lang ng add! Pero chika mo na ikaw si Kaye ha? Para alam ko agad. Suplada kasi ako minsan eh, pinaghalong Gladys Reyes and Daisy Romualdez, with matching eyes ni Celia Rodriguez.

    You Darling Punks feel free to add me up in your FB Networks!

    Cheers Ronnie and Amiga Bryan and Tsina and Glentot and Orally and Malditz and Lyka and Vajarl and Kaye at Mabuhay Kayong Lahat! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  13. Um, at the risk of sounding ignorant, what's a "beef kembot?" Is it a culinary dish, like, with meat wrapped in a pastry (like Beef Wellington)? Or is it like, a new dance craze? I am confused. It is causing me much distress.

    Ha! "The My Cervix is Dilated to Xcm" status msg. I know that one.I, too, reacted with disgust. I wanted to say,

    "Dear Friend, the mental image of your cervical os bulging with a child's large head between your splayed legs, accompanied by blood, guts, amniotic fluid, and excrement is not one that I chose to partake in. Your status msg is a gratuitous assault on my senses. Please refrain from posting similar msgs the next time you get knocked up. P.S. Your bastard child is absolutely beautiful."

  14. hmmm...Celia Rodriguez? you wanna meet her twin sister? I swear, my mother-in-law looks so much like her and she actually admits it, but she is also a very nice person. hihi. pero nung una ko siyang makilala, muntik na ko mapatakbo pauwi. hahahaha!

    Donchaworry. I'm sure that guy deserving of your attention is just around the corner. Sometimes you just have to stop looking too far. hihi.

    I also realized I am nice pa pala ano? Sige, from now on, I will use those words with reckless abandon. haha!

    I am a mom, but the mental image of that dilated cervix is just too much. Yes, even for someone like me who has given birth to 3 kids (albeit thru CS on my 2nd and 3rd).

    And with that, I bid you adieu. Tomorrow again! tata!

  15. Do you ladies also comment on Sarap kaya! Try mo!

    Sitting Pretty -- "Kembot" is a filler, a gay filler. The straights use "ano." We have "kembot." By the same token, it can also be "beef keme," or "beef etchos," or "beeferly salviejo." You know the drill.

    Ha! "The My Cervix is Dilated to Xcm" status msg. I know that one.I, too, reacted with disgust. I wanted to say, -- Amen

    Ahaha, that last paragraph is devilish fun. If you can come up with something like that in a heartbeat, then I'm pretty sure you can submit something for the LitWit challenges!

    Kaye -- You are much too excessively kind! Even with the boy-comment! Hey, Kaye, you free on Sunday? I will be meeting with Mr Peace, Glentot, in Megamall. You want to go-see?

    Cheers Sitting Pretty and Kaye! Mabuhay Kayo, and Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

  16. ooh, i like the new tab. =D

  17. I love the Notepad note. haha I think it's how blogging should be although for some strange reason, I felt embarrassed when I was reading it. I wonder why.

    Now, time to think of a totally vain FB status. lol

  18. Jason -- Mapapa-oohh ka lalo sa mga hinahanda kong tabs! Marami rami din to.

    Nyl -- I felt embarrassed when I was reading it. I wonder why. I am stumped. I wrote this on my notebook, that extra large Cattleya with this picture of a heart on the front, a few minutes after B left. And I had this urge to scribble, and so I did, and it was without edits, and I was pleased with what I wrote. And so I wonder what's with the embarrassment?

    Surely, a brilliant writer with your vocabulary can manage to string a few words together.

    Cheers Jason and Nyl! Mabuhay kayo, and Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

  19. isa sa mga resolutions ko for this year ay ang hagilapin ang lakas ng loob na mag comment na sa blog mo....

    medyo intimidated ako dahil feeling ko mas bitchesa ka sakin... ahahahahaha

    your comments in other people's blogs always always leave me speechless... except for your default closing line which i love to read out loud...

    isang makabuluhang bagong taon ang sumasaiyo Momel.... keep them verbal diarrheas coming. :))

  20. Facebooking from the third world can be a challenge -- either you give them good FACE or, you FAKE it because the real score is life in general is always a struggle to keep up with those who can afford Starbucks. Haha. Sadly from the looks of it, most Pinoy facebookers are indeed fakebooking it.

  21. Yj -- Well, well, well, look do we have here (that's me channeling Alma Moreno), fresh meat! (that's me channeling German Moreno)

    What took you so long to shout out? I write like a bitch, sure, and a bitch in heat, at that, but I'm just this blogger, standing in front of an audience, asking them to love me. Well, asking is not really the word, it's the second cousin of the word I have in mind, but you get the point.

    Oh sure, you darling punks will have your fair share, your recommended daily allowance of bad taste. Thanks for dropping by. And will you find it in your heart to keep dropping by? If you have time to masturbate, then you will have time to read me. I am its written equivalent.

    Fisting. Fistful. -- Ahaha, that never gets old. Anyway, that was most insightful, exactly the kind of thinking that I subscribe to. You keep your lovely poems rolling!

    Cheers Yj and Fistful! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

  22. Brilliant writer ka diyan.. haha methinks it's cuz though blogging was meant to be open and honest, somehow a lot of us didn't get the memo. it's so open and unabashedly honest (okay na ba sa vocab words. thinesaurus ko yan haha) that it feels like i just walked in on someone getting dressed and there's a part of me that wants to take a peek but my legs have already started moving away. I can't really explain it but it's a good form of embarrassment. It's been a while since a blog post made me feel that way. ;p

  23. Its really a great post.Its really a good work done, which have been helped me a lot.
    Best Facebook Statuses

  24. I read this blog its like interesting story,great story.
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