Friday, February 11, 2011


**I think you guys should meet him. He was one of my earlier posts that actually had comments, he's a favorite among my two offline readers, and he reminds me of the earlier days. Presented for your orgasmic pleasure, ladies and gentlemen, that endearing idiot telemarketer, Lemuel.

**A funny thing happened to me one time last September of 2004.
I spoke with an actual telemarketer!The sales call was nothing I would observe myself, it losing out on the finer points of telemarketing, but I remembered it well enough to be able to transcribe it minutes after I dropped the phone on this Lemuel guy. He hee, if you've been in the telemarketing industry for more than a year now, sales agents like Lemuel aren't the type you'd usually forget. The bottomline was that he wasn't good at all, and that's an easy understatement. He sounded like he was courting the household help, I mean, he sounded like the Filipino equivalent of a redneck. He doesn't know what he's saying, and he sounded so friggin' boring, I wondered why I listened to him while he was delivering his sales pitch.

Maybe I did it for the novelty of my first telemarketing call. But if anything, this was hilarious.

This ain't him, but just as clueless!
Lemuel: Puwede po ba kay Rommel Tullao? Si Lemuel po ito, sa PLDT.

Me: Si Rommel ito, bakit, anong problema? (Yeah, so it's Rommel all along.)

Lemuel: Tanong ko lang po kung may picture na kayo sa PLDT?

Me: Picture? Anong picture? Bakit kailangan ng picture sa PLDT? ID ba yan? Ilalagay sa billing statement?

Lemuel: Hindi po. Pictures po para sa PLDT, yun bang call wait, call fo-ward, tsaka speed dial. (Oh, he was talking about features. Unbelievable. He spoke like he was right all along.)

Me: ("Is this a sales call?!?" was the thing which came to mind.) Ahhh, wala pa. Pwede bang paki-explain yon, hindi ko alam yun eh. (Of course, I was trying to get the most of my first sales call. I used to be a telemarketer myself.) Yung call wait, alam ko iyon, meron kami noon eh. Eh ano naman yung call forward?

Lemuel: Yung call fo-ward kasi ganito yun eh, parang ano lang yun, kuwan. Teka lang ha. (At this point, he puts down the phone, and the following conversation was heard in the background:)

Lemuel: HOY, NONG! Ano ba ulit yung, ano ba yun, yung call fo-warding? Eh pinapapaliwanag nitong kausap ko eh!

Man in a VERY Loud Voice: SABI-HEN mo, yung call fo-ward, ano lang yun, halimbawa, may pupuntahan siyang birthday, tapos ano, TEKA NGA!(This man with the loud voice then picked up the phone, and I found myself talking with him.)

MAN: Hello, ikaw ba yung kausap ni Lemuel?

Me: Opo (Duh). Ano ho ba ulit yung call forwarding? (I was having fun at this point already.)

MAN: Kasi ganito yun, halimbawa, may pupuntahan kang birthday, tapos walang maiiwan sa inyo, edi ang gawin mo, i-call fo-ward mo yung telepono mo para doon mo na lang sasagutin sa birthday.

Me: Aaah, eh pa'no kung walang telepono sa pupuntahan kong birthday?

Man: Ehhh, pakabitan natin. Pero kuha mo na yung call fo-ward, ha ser?

Me: Oo, okay na.

Man: Ehhh, teka lang ha. (He then puts the phone down, and started shouting in the background, "HOY Lemuel, okay na. Eto na 'o!" Moments later, a familiar dull voice was heard on the other line.)

Lemuel: Okay na ser?

Me: Oo, okay na. Eh ano naman yung speed dial, ha?

Lemuel: Ganito lang po yun ser. Yung speed dial eh ano lang, magpipindot kalang ng number tapos makakadial ka na.

Me: Niloloko mo ata ako eh! Eh siyempre ganoon talaga yun para maka-dial, pipindutin mo siyempre yung mga number!

Lemuel: Hindi po ganoon yun. (Mali na naman ako. Kasi naman eh.) Ibig sabihin, isang number lang yung pipindutin mo para imbes na (He starts counting softly.)para imbes na pitong number eh isang number na lang yung ida-dial mo.

Me: Teka, call center ba ito?

Lemuel: Hindi po, PLDT po ito. Sa OPSIM (or something), dito po sa San Joaquin (Pasig).

Me: Eh paano ko malalaman na PLDT ka nga?

Lemuel: Punta po kayo dito. Dito po kami sa tapat ng...(I cut him off.)

Me: HA? Pinapapunta mo ako diyan? Teka, magkano naman yung tatlong features na iyan ha?
Lemuel: Ano po, P59.75 lang kada buwan. Fixed na ho iyon. (I'm not sure if it was 59.75 or 59.25, I forgot that part).

Me: Puwede ko namang i-cancel pag ayoko na? (You have no idea how I wanted to be the one to cancel something over the phone!)

Lemuel: Opo, kayo naman magbabayad noon eh.

Me: Tapos, doon na lang siya lalabas sa billing statement, diba?

Lemuel: Opo.

Me: Tapos, kailan siya maa-activate ha, Lemuel?

Lemuel: Tatlong araw pa ho, kaya malamang sa Lunes.

Me: So, anong kailangan mo ngayon? (He wasn't using a script, I think.)

Lemuel: Kelan birthday mo?


Lemuel: Eh, kailangan po eh. (Why can't I use that in my telemarketing rebuttals?)

Me: (I wanted to humor him.) O sige, August 8.

Lemuel: Akina na yung SSS number mo.

Me: HA? Pati ba iyon?

Lemuel: Kailangan po eh.

Me: Naku eh, nasa office ID ko, hindi ko maalala. Tawagan mo na lang ako sa Lunes para maibigay ko sa iyo, okay?

Lemuel: Wala ho sa inyo ngayon?

Me: Tawagan mo na lang ako sa Lunes.

Lemuel: O sige po. Babay.

This was my first ever sales call, and I was intrigued by the many similarities between his call and my sales scripts. Of course, I was a little... refined as "Ben Tumbling," that being my American name, but I appreciated the way he wanted to answer all my questions. He was a little crude and all that, but with a little training, I'm sure he'll do good.

So what happened to Lemuel, anyway? He never called back.


  1. Anonymous1:34 AM

    lmao! the dumbest telemarketer i ever heard. and totoo ba 'to, he's speaking in tagalog? lahat kasi ng mga sales call na na-received ko dati are in english. i wonder how he got the job in the first place, he must have just been commissioned to do the it kahit ayaw niya. baka courier talaga yan, tas nilipat sa sales nung kinulang ng tao ang PLDT, lol!

    thanks for the laugh =)


  2. Anonymous3:57 PM

    very funny... really enjoyed reading ur stuff.

  3. well, i am a tsr, but that certainly reminded me of the bad lines i said myself to nasty customers. ha ha. great post. natawa talga ako. :]

  4. This was one of my earlier posts which actually had comments.


    Thanks guys!

  5. gr8goddess7:35 PM

    panalo toh. natawa nmn ako dito. nawala antok ko frend!

  6. momel naman e. You should have put a warning at the start of the article. I am eating in a fastfood resto (so yes, i am reading this again using my phone) and it took all of my willpower para hindi mabuga ang kinakain ko. At muka akong engeng laughing by myself! Waaaaaaaahhhhh! I'm going to tell my cousin who's working in pldt to read this. You are impossibly funny!

  7. And now we switch to the funny gears!

    Gr8goddess -- Oh wow, look do we have here? (That was me channeling Alma Moreno.) Fresh meat! (And that was me channeling German Moreno.)

    Thank you fren. I'm sure I know you somewhere; I have loads of paradise-level goddess friends. Thanks for dropping by! And please, for the love of tasteless shit, do keep dropping by, will you?

    Kaye -- I am a fan of your marvelous industry. And of the intestinal fortitude that kept your digestion intact. Ahaha, feel free to spread the word. And I'm glad this made you laugh! Here's to a great weekend!

    Cheers Gr8goddess and Kaye! This goes out to my earlier darlings -- Ren, IE, and Anonymous! Allow me this opportunity to bestow upon you that same dipshit courtesy. Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

  8. naiimagine ko ang pagsakay mo sa kanya Khie...ahahaha at parang naiimagine ko din na mukha na syang eng eng,hihihi

    di ako pwede sa ganyang sales at talaga namang hindi ako marunong mamilit ng tao..bow! hihihi ulit!!

  9. Features. Potashit nakalog ang brain ko sa pag iisip sa picture na hinahanap nya. Bwahahahaha. Marry me Lemuel.

    This sadly reflects the incompetence of most of our workers. Maybe I am just being mean, but I have dealt with some useless corporate slaves a number fo times, from stupid salesladies who don't know what footsocks are to Smart's helpdesk people who don't know the meaning of I-AM-FUCKING-PISSED-AT-YOUR-SHITTY-SERVICE. Sad.

    You seriously use Ben Tumbling as your American Name? Awesome. :D

  10. Funny n cute... lovettt! =)

  11. Haha. Pero oo nga, at least determinado talaga siyang sagutin mga tanong mo. Kairita yung mga walang alam tapos di pa gagawan ng paraan.

    pero di ko kinaya, pati si nong ganon din mag-entertain ng caller. protocol nila yun? lol.

    balitaan mo kami pag nalaman mo na kung ano nangyari sa kanya.

  12. Hi Momel, ngayon lang ako naglakas loob magkoment dahil kalahati ng post mo ay Tagalog. Bohahahaha! Siguro ang daling utuin ni Lemuel, pakikuha ng number kapag nagka-usap uli kayo. :)

  13. Ahahaha, sakit sa bangs frend!!!

    Yung isa kong frend, kumain sa resto with her BF nung isang linggo

    Frend ko : Is the steak good for 2?
    Waiter: Is the steak good for you? Yes ma'am it is!

    Kamusta naman sa active listening skilss, Kuya :D

  14. I apologize for the inertia. These Valentines Day blues are getting to me. Bullshit.

    Powkie -- Pero ansaya lang nung sales talk na yun ha. Di siya qu-quota sa kin, pero na-aliw niya ko ng sobra! Kita tayo sa March ano?

    Vajayjay -- It's a tie sa hinahanap niyang pictures fren. Tanginang sales pitch yan, anlakas maka-cowabunga. To hell with his incompetence. He made me laugh, and that's the only worthwhile thing about the whole episode. Yes, that's me looking at the brightside of things, and it helpsif you have a sense of humor about it.

    I used to be Dick Cummings, too.

    Ate Gem -- Thanks for dropping by, but then, you left me confused. Were you referring to the post or to its author?

    Nishiboy -- Look at the entertainment value, friend. That's all there is to it.

    Salbehe -- Uy, look do we have here. (Alma Moreno moment.) Fresh meat! (German Moreno moment.) May pagka-stubborn si Lemuel, pero feeling ko eh kakayanin mong isahan tong motherfucker na to. Uy, salamat sa pagdalaw ha? Familiar ang name mo kay Vajarl, at huwag kang mag-atubiling magpa-balik balik. Walang problema ang comment na tagalog noh. Hindi ako chix. Punks tayo dito, brad! Muah!

    Brewhuh -- Alam mo yan! At maraming ganyang tao sa paligid natin. Ibig sabihin ay hindi tayo mawawalan ng magpapa-ngiti sa atin. Huy, super fresh ka lang dun sa coffee with Michael Letts ha. Paluuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuung palo!

    Cheers Powkie, Vajayjay, Ate Gem, Nishiboy, Salbehe, and Brewhuh! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

  15. Anonymous9:55 PM

    nabasa ko na itetch way back nung 100 years old pa lang ang UST...ngayon anong petsa na... 400 years old na sila! charot!

    di nga...nabasa ko na to noon and voila it's still as engagingly funny (whatever that means) as the first time i read it.

    twinkle twinkle,
    Bryan Stars

    P.S. nasa the fort ako yezterday...may pumipila for cab...feeling ko ikaw yun (ma feeling kasi ako)...skinny bitch sya, 'tas long hair...

  16. Amigang Bry -- Honga, I know you'd remember this post. And I know it still has the same charm it had years back, which is why I opted to repost.

    Uy, nasa bahay lang ako kahapon. I wasn't anywhere else. Walang tattoo yung tinutukoy mo sa magkabilang arms, I'm sure.

    Cheers Bry! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

  17. Hahahah! I can just imagine a guy on the other line busy popping his zits while trying to deliver his lines... He's no more interested in the service than you were.

    At sa dami ng scenario na pwedeng maisip para sa call fo-warding, eh aattend talaga ng birthday? As if yun lang ang reason para lumabas ng bahay???

    I love call center stories... This one is good but sorry, it doesn't beat the one I heard about two agents caught fucking in the fire exit... Top that next time Momel!

  18. Glentot -- I was one of those agents.

    Wahaha, I kid, you know how much of a gay jerk I am.

    Cheers Mr Peace! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

  19. Momel -- Ahahaha, sana nga freshness ako nun eh, pero hindi LOL! Kinapalan ko lang ang fez ko kasi yun na yun eh, moment na yun oh :D

  20. hahahaha, aylabthis. such freshness.

  21. I love Lemuel...and your post made me laugh! Classic, Amiga.

    This made me miss you our crazy, funny stories...and don't forget the bloody, suspense movies you love.

    Hugs for you, Amiga...from Quezon Citeh! =)

  22. Bru -- Ay oo naman, mahirap pumareha sa eleganteng Letts na yun. Pero ha, umani ka ng tagumpay dun sa meet and greet na yun, alam mo yan!

    Kiks -- Ahaha, funny you should mention freshness.

    Amigang Joycie -- Alam mo yan amiga! I miss everything about the team, sobra. Buti na lang eh nagpapang abot pa tayo dito sa blogspot!

    Cheers Bru, Kiks and Amigang Joyce! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

  23. This is the very first article that I've read from this blog, sa office ko pa nga binasa ito eh, tawa ako ng tawa! hehehe! He's just like a newbie sales rep, or He could be a home based sales from PLDT.. I didn't really know about your blog site address, sinabi lang ni Richie na meron ka daw blog. Sabi ko, "talaga?". Tapos, ni google ko lang, buti nalang, nahanap ko, hehehe! Tnx for the laugh! =)



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