Thursday, October 30, 2014

Troublesome Things to Watch This Halloween (A List of Awful Movies)

**Scary is relevant, my Dearly Beloved, so I'll give you a list of troublesome things to watch instead.







Now allow me to let you in on a secret, my Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts. I am a sick gay fuck. There. This has been going on for the better part of my thirty something years, and it's hardly surprising when I consider my interests. It's in the criminal books I read, and the malicious thoughts I entertain. It's in the web pages I have bookmarked, and the dirty finger I throw with my eyes. It's in the things I imagine, which includes the slow roasting way with which someone I hate dies, and the poisonous indulgences I maintain. That includes this blog. It's in everything I do in secret,  and, most especially, the kind of movies I watch. 

Rest assured, my Dearly Beloved, that I am still a good little Christian homosexual.

I. I. I. Shit, I hate talking about myself, and I'd far rather drown than to keep the verbal diarrhea exploding on the subject. I do have a point, Dearly Beloved. We have decided to do you service on this lovely Halloween evening and suggest crap that will hopefully scar you for life. I pray that you are either six years old or incredibly impressionable, since I am aiming for some sort of light trauma with this list. And because we are sick gay fucks, we claim some sort of authority, or at least the intestinal fortitude with which to sit through each of these troublesome things. 

I said "things." I know. These things are not listed in any particular order. 






The Human Centipede: Full Sequence
If it's not the shit-eating that kills you, then it could be the pedal infanticide. If that doesn't get you, then it could be the barbed wire penetration. If that doesn't get you, then it could be the visual smell of shit stained lips bound with a stapler. If that doesn't get you, then I'd like to get your autographed picture, please, and some of your personal effects, if you don't mind. I will make you a goddamned altar, God. 






Vase de Noces
It's a sad film about this lonely farmer who's gone mental, Real mental, and it's not just the pig fucking that gives him away. It's a black and white piece of depravity that won't bore you with suggestive dialogue. Nobody talks in this piece of shit. Which is just as well since it's set in this farm owned by this pig fucking farmer. Would you listen to a pig fucking farmer talk? No? What about the raped pig? Would you listen to it if it talked? Really? I thought so. 






Nekromantik 
This love story could be worlds of super fun if he were alive while she was raping him. The title lets us in on the lurid proceedings of corpse-fucking, but the piece of shit director, bravo you, who did this crap went overboard and gave me a mental smell of what I'm watching. And I'm telling you now, Dearly Beloved, the words "infected wormy cheese" do not come close.  
 Whoever thought that necrophilia was fun? Nobody, that's who.  






A Serbian Film 
Oh dear. Killer. One hundred and ten minutes. One twenty-second scene of sheer infernal sick. This crap is not meant for parents because there are images you will not un-see and sounds that you will not un-hear. I am giving you this warning with the finality of a heart attack, Dearly Beloved, because I truly care. Haha. Meanwhile, on a serious note, I am still hearing that newborn's tortured wailing as I'm writing this. You know a movie fucked you up real bad when it plays a terrible memory on cue. 






Salo 
It's a frightening fiesta of libertine excesses that caters to the visually excitable. We are treated to naked, pubescent boys and girls, all beautiful in their thick flowing manes and skin so smooth that it's sinful. It takes place in this picturesque Italian manor, hidden from the curious eyes of anyone within fifty or so miles. It's either mildly pornographic or wildly pedophilic, and that depends on how you look at it. 
Visual, visual, visual. It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye, which is, when you think about, the long and short of this film adaptation. Is it wicked ocular trauma, then? Not even close. Is "pedophilic" even a word? Who gives a shit. 




My heart is torn between a list of ten things or an aneurysm. Meanwhile, anything that's 70 proof, no chaser, no ice, and a deputation of equally sick friends will make watching these troublesome things tolerable. Go for it. Have fun, my Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts.  

Saturday, October 25, 2014

To Our Tattoo Haters Part One: What Happens When You Get Old?

**Now if you can please focus your attention to the use of the phrase "Tattoo Haters" in between the words "Our" and "Part." There you go, that's right. Keep that in mind, Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts, and know that I love you long time muahness from Pasig Cirreehhh!




I will be like this except maybe for the stomach tattoos. And I will find friends with more tattoos than I have, and we will remain friends until we smell like urine every time we meet, and we will have a bad ass picture like this someday. This is what will hapen when I grow old. It's either this or lung cancer. 


I Will grow old with my ink, and that's about the long and short of it. People will continue to be freaked out in secret. I have gotten used to that, and I am growing to like the unnecessary attention.  You, however, will never appreciate that because you are as indecisive as you are judgmental. I decided to get inked, I will brave the consequences, and I will manage with shining confidence. 

I endured hours of needles puncturing my forearm, my wrist, my chest, and that area above the armpit it a bitch. The needles puncture my skin at a rate of 50 to 3,000 times a minute (a sewing machine runs at 750 stitches a minute), and, more importantly, it's not just one kind of needle. We're talking specialized needles that are compressed in threes, fives, nines, and fifteens. And I sat through hours of repeated infliction because that special pain delivers something beautiful and thoroughly personal. I am the kind of person, we are the kind of people that sees past the blood and the puncture wounds and beholds the beauty behind it instead. So you will understand why we are more concerned with Tattoo Maintenance and After Care and points a dirty finger at Public Opinion. 

Leave us and our growing collection of tattoos alone. You don't get that kind of untoward attention, you will never understand how that feels like, so you mind your own business. 

And having said that, allow me to tell you haters the truth behind growing old with tattoos.  





Fuck your insecurity, fuck your like-minded friends and your mob mentality, fuck your self-serving standards of what is acceptable, and, most importantly, fuck your obviously weak brain and its terrifying lack of original opinion. Do something with your limitless time. Masturbate until your palms bleed, and leave us the hell alone. Or as we say it in the third world vernacular, 

"Isalsal mo yan, gago."

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Tips for Your First Tattoo: Maintenance and After Care





**I asked my well-decorated friends for tips on tattoo after care, and Mr Dante Machete here delivered with charged enthusiasm. Slow clap, everyone. No, seriously, and do it in a circular motion so it looks rehearsed. Thank you. I planned to collate what tips I could collect in an organized list, but my awesome friend here handed over a mouthful of after care wisdom. I couldn't have done it better myself. I'm kidding, I actually could, but Mr Machete's comprehensive list here covered everything so well, you'd suspect he did gift wrapping in a mall somewhere. 



Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts, meet the dashing Mr Dante Machete. Don't be a dick, say hi to this wonderful gentleman and his list of Tattoo Maintenance and After Care.


His right sleeve will be completed in a session or two, he's got a Japanese chest piece that's to die for, and you watch out for his left sleeve, too. This is the kind of tattoo placement that I'm after, but gayer.


The color and the well preserved shading tell us that his applauded tips work.


Thank you, Mr Machete.

He has more tattoos than I have now, so I'll shut my pie hole. He knows what he's talking about. Like a boss, Dearly Beloved, like a boss. 

For those of you Not in the know, Mr Dante Machete used to DJ in 102.7 Star FM (April 2008 to July 2009), and then he moved to 107.5 Win Radio (November 2010 to april 2013). He had roughly four years in the airwaves, as a DJ no less, and that makes him more awesome than awesome. He is awesomesauce. This probably explains why his Facebook page is closing in on 10,000 Likes. I knew him when he was doing Technical Support (was it last year, Mars?), but he has since moved on to studying law. Yes, Dearly Beloved, he's taking up Law in the University of the East where he'll probably end up as one of the main bad asses of Junior year next year.  

I call him Mars, but he's straight as an arrow, a 5'11 250 lb arrow that can punch anyone until they're unconscious. Again, Mars, thank you for this list. 



Dante Machete's Rocking Tips on Tattoo Maintenance and After Care

Tattoos are works of art. And every work of art, in order for it to last, needs care and maintenance. Here's what I will share regarding tattoo care, starting from after getting it done until it becomes fully healed. 


1. After getting your tattoo and getting it properly wrapped in the shop, the first thing that you must do when you get home is to wash it with warm water and soap (Safeguard is good). Wash it with your hands only. Do not use a towel. You need to use your hands because your hand produces warmth. Warmth helps in washing to let the ink properly set under your skin. The reason why you should use warm water is so that you can remove and melt away the blood clot that developed on your tattoo as well as to remove the unwanted discharge that your skin produced when it was tattooed. 


2. You need to keep your tattoo clean. If it becomes infected, expect a crappy looking tattoo with a crappy surface. You want to keep your skin smooth when it heals as much as possible. 
Mr Machete is completing his right sleeve with this piece by his artist, Icos Dongogan.



3. Be sure to hand wash your new tattoo with warm water and soap for the next three to four days to remove the discharge your skin produces every time you take a bath or whenever you feel you need to do it. 


4. Take necessary steps to treat your new tattoo like a wound to prevent bacterial infection. A tattoo is actually a wound and in order for you to heal your wound properly, you have to dry your wound. Either you take antibiotics to prevent pus or you can put rash cream to let it dry. You can do both depending on your preference.


5. Remember that if you will be taking antibiotics like Amoxicillin (500mg) thrice a day, you should not take alcohol while on medication. Drinking alcohol while under medication negates the effect of the drug. 
Because you don't want to mess with this guy and his tips.


6. For people who can't resist alcohol, you can always use a rash/tattoo aftercare cream like tattoo goo that you can use externally.


7. A good cream that I'm recommending is Drapolene Cream which is indicated for the relief of nappy rash and for use as an adjunct to baby care hygiene for the prevention of nappy rash.Drapolene is indicated for the relief of urinary dermatitis in adults, and as an adjunct to patient care hygiene for the prevention of urinary dermatitis.Drapolene is indicated for the symptomatic relief of minor burns, limited sunburn and the effects of weather.


It works wonders and I have used it personally. Your tattoo is sure to be dry within 3-5 days. You need this cream to prevent scabbing and to let your tattoo heal faster. It also helps relieve itching. The current price of one tube is about Php 236.00 at Mercury Drug. Apply the cream as needed.


8. Never ever scratch your tattoo when it is itchy! I think this is one of the most important things that you can do for your new tattoo. If your tattoo is scratched while it is still not fully healed, your tattoo will be damaged and the money and pain tolerance you've invested will just go to waste. If your tattoo is big and you have multiple sessions left, it helps if your would is in good condition to prevent your artist from retouching it. If your artist goes back and forth, it will just take extra time for your tattoo to finish. Plus, you will experience more pain. So be considerate and help your artist by making sure that your wound heals properly.
Rock and be proud of your ink. Take care of them well. They will last you a lifetime.


9. Important reminder: Do not use petroleum jelly to keep your tattoo moisturized. What petroleum jelly does to a new tattoo is that it pulls away the ink from your skin. It causes your tattoo to be less colorful, less full, less vibrant. It is no longer advised by tattoo professionals. 


10. Keep your tattoo moisturized by using lotion. Use natural and unscented lotion in order to prevent skin irritation.


11. If you want your tattoo to always look good after it heals, don't let your skin be dry. Keep it moisturized with lotion. "Kung hindi ka maarte nung wala ka pang tattoo, pwes ngayon na may tats ka na, maging maarte ka na."

Monday, September 22, 2014

It Could be Worse





I find it Sorely irritating when some bitch throws a pity party over the littlest shit. Really. There's just no end to it, there is always something to complain about, and I find that attitude most disgusting. So she meets Mr Right, but she can't get over his small dick and cries about it in a series of pathetic Facebook statuses. He gets a job that offers to double his last salary, but Human Resources draw the line on cross dressing. He meets his biological mother for the first time in twenty five years, imagine the drama, but he can't get over her cross eye What if it's hereditary, he asks. Oh motherfucker, please. 


It is bad enough that you are dead, isn't it. We will bury your ceaseless whining together. 


Things find a way of turning from bad to worse. They always do. And if you will allow me, my Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts, let me influence your perspective. We will bury your ceaseless whining together. I hope to hell and high water this exercise helps. 




Scenario #1: You're a forty year old gay hair dresser, and you found out that your 16-year old jowa (boy toy) has been cheating on you. 

It Could be Worse: He's cheating on you with the 42-year old hair sweeper in the same beauty parlor you work in. 
It Could be Worse: That 42-year old hair sweeper is also a gay male, and he's a few years older than you are. 
It Could be Worse: You're a forty year old gay hair dresser, and you don't have your own beauty parlor yet. 




Scenario #2: You're dead. 
It Could be Worse: They haven't located your body yet.
It Could be Worse: They have located your body, but it is decapitated. Your head is missing. 
It Could be Worse:  They have located your body, your head has been chopped off, and the only identification they have of you is your Very small penis. Oh the humiliation. But look at the bright side, Dearly Beloved. You're dead.
It Could be Worse:  Two people identified you by your very small penis. They are this forty year old hair dresser (who doesn't have his own parlor yet) and this forty two year old hair sweeper in the same beauty parlor. 




Scenario #3: You're a gay man, and you've never had sex with another man ever. 

It Could be Worse:  Your man boobs have hairy nipples, and you are morbidly obese. 
It Could be Worse:  You don't have a job, which is why you can't afford to have sex with another man ever. 
It Could be Worse:  You still live with your parents, and there is always someone home. You don't know where to have sex ever. 
It Could be Worse:  You're 56 years old.  




Scenario #4: You could be losing your job. 

It Could be Worse:  Your BFF gal pal friends forever "inner circle" Boss quit yesterday, I think. Oh, you didn't know?
It Could be Worse:  You don't have any profitable skills except for licking your Boss' boots and then kissing her ass. In that order, from the ground up. 
It Could be Worse:  Your new Boss loathes no-talent suck-ups like you. She's one of those rare people who hold skill and hard work in high esteem, so yeah, she hates you a whole fucking lot. 




Scenario #5: A good friend loaned you P500,000, but she died of some weird cancer.

It Could be Worse:  I'm kidding. She's healthier than you are, and you're still in debt. 




Scenario #6: Your boyfriend of six years left you. 

It Could be Worse:  He found you out. Your "second Facebook account" was hardly the most discrete thing, stupid. 
It Could be Worse:  His phone has 1GB of your dick pics. And each picture is smaller than the last. 
It Could be Worse:  His "My Cheating Ex -- Dick Pics" folder, the first one, has had 2,753 likes and 620 shares an hour ago. Let's see you Photoshop/Camera 360/Retrica your way out of this, pencil dick. 




Scenario #7: Your dick hurts when you urinate. 

It Could be Worse:  You're suddenly feverish in the afternoons. 
It Could be Worse:  There are traces of dried up discharge on your boxers. This is when you wake up in the morning, the discharge is yellowish, and it doesn't smell like wet dreams. Think infected wormy cheese. 
It Could be Worse:  The rashes on your palms make masturbating torturous. Most especially when you're hardly sustaining an erection recently. And the ejaculate feels like balled up barbed wire slowly shooting out of your dick's eye. 
It Could be Worse:  You've never had sex with another person ever. 
It Could be Worse:  You're 48. 
It Could be Worse:  It's a new kind of killer syphilis. And it's airborne. You have it now, and you will die a virgin. 




Scenario #8: You remember a handwritten letter given to you, in secret, by one of your most honest, closest intimates. You regard his opinion with an admiring shine on your eyes. He is a well-traveled, well-educated man of the world, a jack of all trades possessed of the regal confidence of a king. Sigh. You treasure that letter to this day, and its message resonates in your being. The four words in that letter, "You are stupid, friend," are worth their weight in gold. You keep it with you, as a rallying inspiration, for you have resolved to modify his opinion of you when you two meet again. 

It Could be Worse:  That letter was written two years ago. 
It Could be Worse:  You are still stupid. 
It Could be Worse:  You cannot find Noble Friend anywhere. He probably blocked you in Facebook or something. 




Scenario #9: You practiced your habitual tardiness to perfection, and you are now an instance away from summary dismissal. Anyway, your shift starts at 5am. It is 5:20 am now, and you're still hailing a cab. 

It Could be Worse:  It's raining harder than your last erection, and you don't have an umbrella. 
It Could be Worse:  They declared Storm Signal Number 3, and it's funny how you have no idea. Maybe they kept it a secret. 
It Could be Worse:  The reason why there are no taxis at 5:40 am is because several streets are closed down due to chest-high flash floods. It is the Third World, so what do you expect. It is one of those days when the taxi drivers have a valid excuse. You have better luck hailing an Ark. Meanwhile, it is now 6:05 am. 
It Could be Worse:  You are three hours late for work, haha, you are soaked to the tits, but you don't really have to report to work today. It turns out that they approved your leave for today, woo hoo, and you didn't have to go to work in the first place. But you did. 
It Could be Worse:  You are on leave, but you are stranded in the office. 
It Could be Worse:  See Scenario #4. 




Scenario #10: There is no Scenario #10. 

It Could be Worse:  You found this list rather amusing, and it Needs to have a Scenario #10 because you are beyond obsessive compulsive. This list cannot stop at Scenario #9. That is simply out of order. You are upset now because you are the peak of anal retentive. 
It Could be Worse:  Let me tell you the truth, Sweet Nuts. This list doesn't have a Scenario #10. Seriously. I wrote this shit, and that's final. There is no Scenario #10. 
It Could be Worse:  You are now white-hot seething in your OCD panties that this list doesn't have a Scenario #10. You now have this pressing need to let me know how much you hate me because I'm such a cock-blocking jerk. 
It Could be Worse:  I disabled the comments. 

Friday, September 12, 2014

You and Your Good Manners

**What you will read here, my Dearly Beloved, is inspired by the colorful story telling of one Very Lewd Friend. I happened to be a Very Good Listener, and so I am sharing it with my choice of words just because it could be funnier.  





Good manners rule with a shining crown. Image borrowed from jenny9119999.


I am familiar with compliments, and I receive them with equal courtesy. Good manners, you see, improve a person's estimate of you and seals you in their favor. It takes some getting used to, most especially if you are lacking of compliment-ary property, but you will get your share, by and by. Develop a skill, Dearly Beloved, and hammer your mastery with religious practice. Yes, it does make perfect. Yes, it refines you until it comes rather easy to you, second nature, really, and people will notice. And then we go back to the subject of compliments. 

"Ang galing mo pa ring chumupa," said He of the Borrowed Penis. I did not know what to say to that, so I bit his left tit instead. Courteously. How do you nibble a nipple with good manners? With practice, of course, and you need to go back to the first paragraph now because I don't think I'm getting to you.  

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