Wednesday, July 06, 2011

Life Lessons at 30. Who Knew?

**I will be 31 next month, and I feel like documenting what maturity has developed in my bullshit person. This list pretty much covers just about everything that I have learned so far. This may not apply to you, but that's alright. It's your life, and you have your own lessons. But I believe in learning something as you go along. Otherwise, what the hell's the damn point?

**What makes this ironic is that I was half-drunk when I was writing most of this. And that was longhand. I looked back at this in the afternoon following the hangover, and I was expecting to read some slurred ramble, but I sounded sober as I was reading this back.

1. Shit Happens. Get over it.

2. The friends you've had for these five, ten years approaching your thirtieth will be the same set of darling assholes you're stuck with for the next five, ten, fifteen years of your life. Appreciate them, and acknowledge their influence. You chose to stick with them in the first place, right?

3. The scope of support that the family you are born with will never cease to amaze you. Find time to do something together.

4. The earlier you move out of your mother's house, the better. Independence builds character. And, by the same token, I would like to say this one related thing, and I say this with the sincerity of a medical diagnosis -- Life lessons (from people who still live with their parents) are a mighty empty mess. I'm not buying it. Put a lid on your second hand hearsay. They have the strength of a superstition.

Yeah, if you can support yourself at the age of five, then go for it. Fucken smart ass.

5. Looking for the love of your life is a thoroughly unproductive pursuit. He finds you, instead. I know the cheesy is just over the top. I know. I'm getting a piece of rope and a monoblock chair to stand on and kick later.

6. Find time to do the things that make you feel alive. Read a good book. Smell the coffee and then drink it warm. Laugh out loud. Hang out. Play pool. Get tattooed. Sing in the shower. Do it loud. Dance alone. Masturbate. Get drunk. Get laid. Do it again.

7. Nothing else takes up more of your time than regret. What do you propose to do about it?

8. Okay, age is just a number. But, believe it or not, it shows on your face. Moisturize.

9. If, in consequence, you don't have to pay bail for it, or it doesn't get you confined, then, by all means, get it done.

10. Don't get so worked up over stupid opinions. I mean, why?

11. Never think you're prettier. Or better. Somebody's bound to steal your thunder, by and by.

12. Allow me to quote Mark Twain -- "Jealousy is a property of small minds." Be real good at something, work at it and practice, until you get to the point of over-qualification.

13. Be good at something, even if its in the fine, delicate arts of foulmouthing or masturbation. It doesn't matter what. But make sure you excel at it.

14. You are bigger than your blog.

15. You should have more of an identity than your Facebook page or status.

That's Lewis Black. Genius, isn't he? Meanwhile, here are some of my Facebook-specific posts:
1. Blog Soup #11: Your Facebook Status Sucks, Breaking the Three Month Rule, and Hooray for Smelly Third World Shit!
2. The Seven Annoying Facebook Posters
Truly, Facebook Brings Out the Attention Whore in Each of Us.

16. You should have an offline life. It's becoming uncommon these days.

17. One should be comfortable with his or her sexual orientation by the age of thirty. Or at least be honest about it. You had thirty years to figure that out.

18. Some people are just unwashed assholes by default, and that can't be helped. You just have to be an asshole in return. Be a bigger dick, though. That's the only way it works.

1. How to be Rude
How to Be Rude: Burgers

19. Life is about living. Live long. That being said, it will be in your finest interest if you could just stay away from that faggot Jim Girl. He will frustrate you to an early grave.

If you have to hate something, then hate with a passion.
1. Fuck You Jim Girl, Here's Your One Thousand Words
2. What, No Career Yet? -- A Follow Up on Jimgirl's Epic Fail

20. An advice for couples who have moved in together -- In no way should you allow him to feel left out. Never, ever, let this happen. Defend this cause with everything in your artillery. I know this is the kind of default wisdom that goes well without saying, and I could be a fool for stating the obvious. But for the most part, we overlook the obvious, and fail in its consideration, when one of you starts sleeping in the sofa. And you do this for weeks on end, because you claim it's suddenly much more comfortable to sleep in the living room.

21. You know what they say, "It's not the size that counts, it's the performance." People who say this have needles for dicks, don't get hard enough, cum early, have massive penis envy, and they wouldn't know foreplay from a hole in the ground. Size does matter. We remember the girth more. Get over it. Get enlarged and, in consequence, a penis to match your ego.

22. I can probably outdrink some of you now.

Taken from the Post: Cheers to Drinking Advice!


  1. naiiyak ako sa post na ito... i'm turning 30 this year and so far... wala pa akong natututunan sa buhay...


    but i learned a lot from this post... ihihihihi

    muahness sa alindog mo Madam

    i-shot natin yang kaarawan mo!

  2. Happy birthday Ate Momel!
    You are an inspiration. Luvyah!

    So, where's the inuman? :P

  3. I've been having a very bad day so I was able to take in most of what you wrote and assess how fucked up I already am at the age of 22.

    I moisturize though. And I was born an ass for some goddamn reason. Hooray for me. And advance happy birthday to you!

  4. YJ -- Bakla ka, iyak iyakan portion ka pa. Hindi angkop! Ahaha! Ang totoo niyan eh akala mo lang na wala kang natutunan sa buhay, meron at meron niyan, malamang eh marami tayong pagkakahalintulad pagdating sa mga life lessons. Shempre, tuwa naman ako at may natutunan ka sa post na to. Iyan naman ang isa sa mga intention ko eh. Alam mo naman ako, hilig ko lang laitin ang sarili ko, pero pro-gay ako.

    August 8 ang birthday ko. Most likely August 14 ko celebrate. Sabado yun. Sabihan ko kayo ni Neil. Open invite siya, pero sa mga nasa roll ko lang. Noon at ngayon!

    Mel B -- Grabe ka naman sa inspirasyon keme! August 14 siya, at shempre invited ka. Text text tayo, or email, para sa details.

    Vajayjay -- Help me out on this one. You were able to digest most of what I wrote here because you were having a very bad day? I'm sure there's a compliment in there somewhere, had I the persuasion to dig, but if you can spare the time to clear things out, then I would be most pleased to the liver. And speaking of which, scroll up.

    Cheers YJ, Mel B, and Vajayjay! Mabuhay kayo girls! Muahness from Pasig Cirehhh!

  5. *file* *print* *post sa locker*

    lol i thought the suicide bit on #5 was pretty bad ass. haha and since i still live at home, i'll just pretend you forgot to put #4.

    As for #22, i'll be the judge of that. ;p

  6. Haha. What I was trying to say is I was a mess earlier. I was dealing with some existential shit and a couple of misunderstandings with people that are very dear to me. And since you were talking about life lessons, reflect reflect aketch.

  7. panalo ka talaga momel!


    salamat sa walang maliw na pagkokomento at pag-iiwan ng bakas sa aking blog. hahaha


  8. "Open invite siya, pero sa mga nasa roll ko lang"

    Ang taraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! Hahahaha.

    Maldita ka talaga, Momel. Why don't you try being a sweet girl? =) Hay ... 30 is a good year.

    I was looking at the things you've learned; and Im actually writing about learning too. Strange what we learn and how we learn it.

    Write more often?


  9. Nyl -- I like the *file* *print* *post sa locker* bit. You forgot the *scan pic of author* *point* *laugh* *pause* *laugh* *mutter*

    I'll see you guys soon. August 14 ha?

    Vajayjay -- Ahhh. Are you ready for the P20 question? Kamay sa balikat.
    Were you still a mess after the reflection shit?

    And for the rice cooker showcase:

    Can you make it on the 14th? August? This year?

    Bulitz -- You know I love you. You know I care. You shout whenever. And I'll be there. And that is why I'm letting this quasi-spam-ish comment slide. I have to be honest with you; it sounded like one. But then again, repeat after me -- You know I love you. You know I care. You shout whe... Ah syet. You in the Third World this August 14th?

    Kane -- I can try to be sweet, but then I'll need that piece of rope and the monoblock chair to stand on and kick later. It's unbecoming of my person. There. You know I wish I wrote more often because, here's a confession, I have warmed up to the comments. But my ideas are usually unwashed, heathen if you may, and I have to choose material that will make me more like a punk and less like an anal slut. This is because my family reads my posts. And I am partial to them, too, and I'd far rather be a punk in their eyes than a whore in their judgment.

    The kind of ideas that are becoming of me, those that I write about and publish come to me at very sporadic intervals, which is why I have elected to post once a week. At least there's something to look forward to, in my own estimation. I have decided to become some foulmouthing, punk ass Party Pilipinas without that faggot Tim Yap. But I will write something in between, when the situation calls for it, like in the case of a light bulb moment.

    Will you be available August 14th, Kane?

    Cheers Nyl, Vajayjay, Bulitz, and Kane! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Cirehhh!

  10. Why would I point and laugh at you, Momel-y (Can i call you Momel-y?) Pwede siguro Print picture, drop pants, amuse self. lol

    Anyway, sabi ng FB magkabirthday tayo. I'm guessing the 14th of August is your birthday thing? lol

  11. WOW Momelzki (can I call you Momelzki?) Ahahaha nakigaya kay Citybuoy. That should be another life lesson- Have a sense of Originality because Imitation is not the highest form of flattery unless it's done to perfection which brings us back to your life lesson # 13 which is my favorite. I wonder what you will share when you reach 50.
    Cheers and Muahnessssss from lahlahlahnd!!!

    PS: ang cutie-pie-egg-pie naman ni Bulitas.

  12. My Mom found out about my blog. I moved out. *evil laugh*

    Wala pa naman akong lakad sa August 14. Ayos. :)

  13. Momel??? Sunday?????????????? Pasaway ka, may pasok ako ng monday! Ayaw mo ng Sabado?

    Tell your family, "Hey, I can be sweet too, you know"


  14. and i thought you're within my age bracket: early twenty-ish, no kissing ass.

    4, 6, 10, 11, 13, 14. hit the nail right on the head, mel! cheers to your 31st beerday! i do hope that during your new year, you'll finally find someone who'll kiss you and sing you silly songs and read good books with you and say "i love you!" with all sincerity.

  15. Mali, mali, mali. Erratum. Buratum. August 13 ko siya gagawin, Saturday yun. August 13 ko siya gagawin, Saturday yun. August 13 ha, mga punks? August 13. That being said, let's get back to you darling punks.

    Nyl -- Scroll up. August 13. Hay, nagalgal ako sa mga petsa, paumanhin.

    Sure, call me whatever the hell you want to call me. Just don't call me... in the middle of the night no more, don't expect me to be there. Puwede rin Freddie Anne Curtis Aguilar. Kung ano ang shoot sa puso mo!

    Always exercise rule number 11. It should be amended to "Always be your first critic. And be an unrelenting asshole of a critic, too, if you can push it."

    Orally -- Sorry, brad, force of habit. Oo, call me Momelzki, bahala ka fren, kung saan luluwang ang cervix mo, go for it. Just don't call me... in the middle of the night no more, don't expect me to be there. Syet, mabenta pa rin si palakang bottom na Nina.

    Hands down, no contest, hell yeah to your sense of originality advice. Hindi mo ba naiisip minsan, kaibigang Orally, na magtaguyod ng religion? Magvo-volunteer akong usherette.

    Cute ba si Bulitz? At ine-egg pie mo pa! Ahaha! Di ko pa rin name-meet yan eh, pero matagal ko na rin ka-share ng comment yang si Apir. Alam ko wala sa third world yan. Mahilig siya sa photography. Pst, Bulitz, meet Orally. Orally, Bulitz.

    Vajayjay -- August 13, fren. Saturday. Paumanhin. Nangaluntoy ang aking sense of organization sa kabila ng aking pagkakalat ng wisdom. Demmet yan.

    Kane -- Ayan, maraming salamat sa paalala, Pogi. I amended the date to fall on a Saturday. August 13 na siya. Promise, huli na yan. Pag nagkamali pa yan eh ire-ready ko na yung lubid tsaka monoblock na bangko. Ewan ko na lang.

    Nagse-second thoughts pa rin ako sa sweetness.

    Loverboy ni Dude -- Naman ehhhhhhh! Ehhhhhhhh! Ehhhhhh! Hirap talaga i-translate nun sa print. Wahaha, early twenty-ish? Ako? Ahaha, seryoso? Thank you!

    Thank you raw noh? Wahaha, arte!

    You write the sweetest comments, punk, and I do hope that, for what its worth, what you said held water. But then again, ahh gaddemet, labo labo na to! Darating kung darating! Di naman ako naghahanap na eh.

    Balita ko eh malapit ka lang sa Pasig? August 13 ha, kung available ka. Sama mo si Dude mo para di ka mailang. Palagay ko eh matinding baklaan ang magaganap dito.

    Cheers Nyl, Orally, Vajayjay, Kane, and Lio! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Cirehhh!

  16. Ang dami mong learn! Advance happy birthday Momel!

  17. quasi-spamish comment alert: :p

    hello orally!

    i won't be coming home anytime soon eh. pag nakauwi ako nakalista ka sa mga dapat kong bisitahin. :)

    happy birthday momel!

  18. "Okay, age is just a number. But, believe it or not, it shows on your face. Moisturize."


  19. Ngayon ko lang binasa to (eh ano ngayon). Thank you for this, ako kasi ang alam ko lang list na gawin eh yung punong-puno ng panlalait. At least ikaw, may panlalait (jimboy) man, may knowledges and wisdoms naman.

    See you on your birthday!



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