Thursday, December 30, 2010

There is Truth in Some Forwarded Emails: You, Too, Can Be an Asshole!

**One of my resolutions for this coming year is that I resolve to be a better, well-trained, champion-class, S-rank asshole in 2011. And there are 32 easy ways with which I can make this happen. Remember, you darling punks, practice makes perfect!


1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
7. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
13. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
16. Staple pages in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times:

"Never mind, it's gone now."

25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing any song by tapping on the bottom of your chin. Morse code the lyrics if you have to. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
32. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

Oh, I also have two other posts which you darling punks can peruse if the prior tips weren't enough to scratch your itch. Enjoy!


  1. Ate Momel this is so good. I love it, gusto kong icopy-paste. Hahaha!

    I will definitely do the 'in accordance with prophesy'.

    Happy New Year!

  2. you already! haha!!


  3. I can't get enough!!! Napatawa ako nang malakas (I don't want to use LOL anymore, it has lost its integrity). I'm amazed I haven't done any of the items, and I consider myself an asshole. Shame on me!

  4. 28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

    believe me..i did this while talking to my officemate..this is ssooooo much 31 more steps to go;

    new years resolution ba to?

  5. ive done the one with "books" and someone did the "burger" move to me.
    karma's a beeeeechhh!

  6. This made me..C/G/SOL (chuckle/giggle/snicker out loud) ;-)

    #32 is so me in 4th grade - I was a little bitch going through a Harriet the Spy phase. I was also going through a little 'alienate-dumb-classmates-by-using-words-they don't-understand' phase: I'd look at their crotch and say something like "Haha, your epidermis is showing." and then laugh as they looked down to see if their fly was open.

    You might also add #33 When you run into a friend who has gained weight, put on a shocked expression and ask "Oh, my God. Are you pregnant?!?"

  7. That's it Momel. You just made my list of all time favorite bloggers. Although my all time just means about more than a year since I only went public last year, but it's still pretty cool, eh?

    1, 15, 27 = super uber major major TNT! Bwahahahahahaha!


    25 = May kaklase ako ng college na ganyan. True enough, she annoyed almost everyone in the class. Muntanga.

    Ayos Momel! Ayos! Halabeeet beri much. Haha.

  8. Aha, but some of these I find quite charmingly endearing...

  9. Anonymous10:59 PM

    i have this best bud whom i am very fond of...but i spit at his penchant for poetry. i think i'll do a #31 next time he invites me on one of them recitals.

    and oh i aint back yet. thesis mode still... spent too many hours and $$$ and i aint done yet. and i'm not even sure why i signed up for it. drat!

    happy new year dear!

    bryan stars

  10. It bothers me that I seem to be guilty of a few these. Are these, by any chance, a sliding measure of one's asshole-ness? I hope not. I'd like to think that most people are just simply devoid of levity, well at least the brand I subscribe to.

    Oh Momel, you and your warped sense of humor. ;)

  11. 14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.

    -This is as annoying as popping a difficult question to someone who is obviously counting or calculating something mentally. I get people who do these to me at times, to think my job doesn't always entail counting or calculating. haha.

    Also, if someone wrongs you and says sorry, you can try saying "you should be." hahahaha!

    Typing in Uppercase, whether via emails or text messages also annoys the hell out of me.

    Ok, will now read your two other posts for more tips. heehee

  12. Ahahahaa, the New Year's break was pretty fantastic! And I have this lovely wealth of comments to usher in another year of blogging! This is just darling! And I've more than exhausted my daily quota of exclamation marks, which is once a day. Imagine yourself speaking in exclamation marks, and you'll get the picture that I'm trying to avoid.

    I will be re-doing the format of my comments; it's a resolution.

    Mel B. -- Oh feel free! Copy paste this list to death. Or to your heart's content. Whichever comes first, in accordance with prophesy. And you have yourself a darling New Year!

    Je -- Ahaha, you better believe it! Let's spread the assholery! There is strength in numbers! Switch to Globe!

    Glenn -- LOL on the LOL comment! Oh wait, I'm confused. If LOL has lost its integrity, and I just LOL'ed your quality observation, then does that mean this comment has lost its integrity, and I am so fucked? But I'm a jerk anyway, so I don't think it matters, I suppose. Cheers!

    Malditz -- Oh hell yeah, Bhie! This is a resolution. I suppose I could use a lot of distraction with my offline life. Being single sucks.

    Orally -- You read the books and the burger? You are such a darling! I could do a lot of things to you if you were straight. Ahaha, cheers!

    Wala pang nagtatagalog ata? Hoy punks, lets lose some of that serious and let's all be kupals together, okay?

    Sitting Pretty -- Ahaha, you have the makings of a champion asshole! I heart that you're here!

    Vajarl -- Awww, really? Really, really? You don't know this, but you just scratched my itch in the most wonderful way ever.

    Fisting. Oh, I meant to say Fistful Ahaha, see how much of a jerk I get? Oh, brad, I do apologize if I'm not doing much comments on your blog. Poems will be the death of me, but I will keep you in my roll, and I will comment on some poems that I can endure to the last stanza.

    Amigang Bryan -- Ohh, its a good thing you mentioned thesis. I'm getting the wrong idea. I was thinking of a big cocked dude who has mastered tantric sex.

    Red -- Help yourself to some more asshole-ness! Let's all be kupals together! And I sure wish maka-tagay na tayo sa susunod?

    Kaye -- That is one of my all time favorites. I love doing it because they start from the top when it works. And it's so much fun when they do. Hey, Kaye, thanks for keeping on coming back. When do you want to get your book? I told you I will be giving you one Twisted 9 book, right?

    Cheers you all darling punks, and mabuhay kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

  13. Hahahahaha! Natawa ako because if we knew each other personally, you'd probably be one of my hatest but most loved personalities, too. And yeah, this thing really works. Hahaha! I've done that myself a couple of times already ;-)

    wow, you're really serious about the book? will email you on that. teehee.

  14. Anonymous7:53 PM

    Ahaha, parang tamang pa-cute lang ang iba... however some of them are sure-fire tricks to bug people i do honestly use them if and when I can't help it, ;)


  15. I apologize for the delay, but I will be updating this afternoon!

    Kaye -- Oh daaamn straight! Just let me know a day in advance when you'll be in my neighborhood, no? Looking forward to meeting you! Oh, I just added you to my roll. I apologize for the delay.

    2Qt2BSTR8 -- There you go. Let's all be assholes together - that is my advocacy, and I will champion its cause in any which way I can.

    And now, can you, my beloved darling punk, find it in your blessed heart to add me to your Facebook network? Mighty appreciated!

    Cheers, Kaye and 2Qt, Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

  16. did you come up with this piece of shit list of how to be a retard? congrats! i think i'll try some of the more practical but ultimately less annoying ones like cc irrelevant stuff to bosses.

    a big fat hug to you for coming up with thesehugzzz.

    btw, what is your take on the censoring of huck finn? ok lang if you have no opinion. :)

  17. Pat -- Nope, this was a forwarded email. It's in the title, babe. However, this is perfect for furthering my office of making darling assholes out of you lovely punks.

    I'll take that big fat hug anytime, though!

    And I wasn't aware that they're redacting the one author I worship with religious discipline. I had to look that up.

    They're censoring what can be The Great American Novel because it was profuse with the N word. Nigger. Nigger. Nigger. Which is a mighty troublesome word, when read in print, I suppose. But then, which authority will sanction our African American punk friends from pronouncing that race-specific term of endearment? I have read Huck Finn twice, and I have two different copies, so I reckon I don't mind the censorship; I've read it in it's entirety, and I laughed at the humor.

    Aside from my LitWit submission, "Was it Nymphomania or Satyriasis?," I've never been censored myself. That is Divine providence; one of my favorite words is Niggerfaggot.

  18. this is one fucked up post... and i love it!!!

    pero dahil magpapakabait na ako ngayong 2011 save ko nalang to for 2012... yaiy

    try mo din na pag kinakausap ka ng mga taong hate mo eh TUMUWAD ka sa harap nila... sobrang epektib pag ginagawa ko yan hahahahaha more more walk out sila... at never ka na nilang gagambalain pa.

    wv - farthh (watabout hahahaha)



Blog Widget by LinkWithin