Sunday, March 20, 2011

101 Big Dick Jokes (Part One)

**The material for this post was obtained from a nine-page chapter from Drew Carey's book, Dirty Jokes and Beer. Hardbound, got it for P90 in a bargain bin. Good find, noh?

1. My dick is so big, there's still some snow on it in the summertime.
2. My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my dick got right in. I had to stand there and argue with the doorman.
3. My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.
4. My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.
5. My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.
6. My dick is so big, it has an elevator and a lobby.
7. My dick is so big, it has better credit than I do.
8. My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum.
9. My dick is so big, it was once overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.
10. My dick is so big, it has casters.
11. My dick is so big, I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow.
12. My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor.
13. My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.
14. My dick is so big, it lives next door.
15. My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.
16. My dick is so big, it votes.
17. My dick is so big, it's a better dresser than I am.
18. My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal.
19. My dick is so big, the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.
20. My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th homerun.
21. My dick is so big, it runs the 440 in fifteen seconds.
22. My dick is so big, it is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob. (wtf?)
23. No matter where I go, my dick always gets there first.
24. My dick is so big, it takes longer lunches than I do.
25. My dick is so big, it contributed $50,000 to the Democratic National Committee.
26. My dick is so big, it was once the ambassador to China.
27. My dick is so big, it's gone condo.
28. My dick is so big, it hit .370 in the minors before it hurt its knee.
29. My dick is so big, it was almost drafted by the Cleveland Browns, but Art Modell didn't want a bigger dick than he was on the team.
30. My dick is so big, I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler.
31. My dick is so big, when it rains the head of my dick doesn't get wet.
32. My dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie if I wasn't so afraid of getting a hard-on and killing myself.
33. My dick is so big, I have to use an elastic zipper.
34. My dick is so big, it has feet.
35. My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it.
36. My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jack me off.
37. My dick is so big, my mother was in labor for three extra days.
38. My dick is so big, they use the bullet train to test my condoms.
39. My dick is so big, it has investors.
40. My dick is so big, it seats six.
41. My dick is so big, I use a hula hoop as a cock ring.
42. My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole.
43. My dick is so big, King Kong is going to crawl up it in the next remake.
44. My dick is so big, it has an opening act.
45. My dick is so big, I can fuck an elevator shaft.
46. My dick is so big, it has his own Wheaties box.
47. My dick is so big, I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings.
48. My dick is so big, the city had to carve a hole in the middle of it so cars could get through.
49. My dick is so big, every time I get hard I cause a solar eclipse.
50. My dick is so big, it only plays arenas.

Saturday, March 12, 2011

My Book Review was Published in Jessica Zafra's Blog

Dear Darling Punk,

I know I promised you big dicks for today's post, but I just had a book review posted in Jessica Zafra's blog, so I reckoned that piece of hot, boss news will have first dibs. And it does. You can click on the large picture below to read the review in it's entirety.

Or you can click here to get to the review. Same thing.

You guys remember my Homework post? It was this post that had the email screen shots which described the details of my assignment.
Anyway, I was commissioned to do a review on Return to Ribblestrop, and I was given three weeks to complete this responsibility. The book kicked ass, and I finished it quick, and I gave it a kiss ass review in consequence. It was submitted a week to the date, and I felt satisfied, and it is now in Jessica Zafra's blog.

I so rule sometimes.

And I will be posting about big dicks next, so keep your panties on, will you please?

Loves, Kisses, and Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

Momel, Momelia, Freddie Anne Curtis Aguilar, Momelia Anne Curtis Baretto Aguilar Letts Araullo Etheridge, Khie Khie Aguilar, The Gay Jerk

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

The First Joyful Mystery is Brought to You By

I don't usually share much as far as the goings-on of my offline life go. But when I do, I make it a point to share something that's worth the time and trouble. In my personal estimation, the most boring story is something that's loaded with the pronouns "I, Me, and My," and if it can't be funny or scandalous, then it's not worth reading or listening to. If its all about you, and we know you're a total bore right off the bat, then it's not worth reading or listening to. If it hasn't got the words "tattoos, writing, second hand books, big dicks, horror, fellatio, sodomy, minors" anywhere in its entirety, then I will roll my eyes, give you the finger in secret, walk away and find time to masturbate instead.

So I'll keep my mouth shush on the Bolinao trip. It was lovely, and it was most enjoyed, and it was a pleasant trouble to my liver, but that's mostly the long and short of it, so I'll stop here. There isn't much to report, although there was this one time in the van. We agreed that it was driven by somebody with a deathwish, and we decided to pray the rosary on our return trip to Manila. Now, the last time I did the rosary was in Grade Six, and that was a few decades back, so you'd understand if I can't figure it out. I was going to do the First Joyful Mystery, and I was like "The First Joyful Mystery is brought to you by Jollibee. Bida ang Saya."

That was an honest mistake, mind you. But it was the second heartiest laugh I had on that trip. The first one was when I saw this version of the movie 300, and it was in Ilocano, and it totally killed me.

I am fresh from a wonderful trip, and I am as fresh out of ideas. But the First Joyful Mystery gave me something to chew on. Ad Jingles, that's what, and if you darling punks can figure out what these Jingles are endorsing, then I'll give you a... a... I'll give you a...

1. Clue: Frozen Good
"It's not easy to be a nugget
You look like all nuggets do
They don't know what really matters
Is what's inside of you
I'm a ______ _______ nugget
More chicken under my shell
A chunky,
Chicken delight
In every nugget bite!"

2. Clue: Breakfast
"Great things start from small beginnings…
Growing up with Olympic energy,
Growing up with ____,
____, ____ everyday"

3. Clue: Rachel Lobangco
"Sssh-boom Sssh-boom"
"Shhboom, Shh Boom….
yadadadadadada, Shh Boom Shh Boom..
yadadadadadada, Shh Boom"

4. Clue: Francis Magalona
"Katarungan, ito ang gusto ko
kalayaan, ito ang gusto ko
Kapayapaan, ito ang gusto ko
karapatan pang tao, ito ang gusto ko
kalikasan, ito ang gusto ko
kabataaan, ito ang gusto ko
kaibigan, ito ang gusto ko"

5. Clue: Bathroom
"Did you hear? (Oh, c'mon)
I don't believe it
It can't be true…
I can feel it, oh yeah, I feel it,
It really works, you better believe it…
I can feel it!"

6. Clue: It makes a rainbow.
"You wanna see what happens in a bag of ____?
What goes on before they touch my lips?
They make a rainbow…(chocolate ____)
A choco rainbow…(chocolate ____)
And then they color all the flowers and they paint the trees
They're sweet and delicious, look at all those bees
When I want fun, I get a bag of ____
And make a rainbow
(____, ____)…"

7. Clue: Polish
"_______, _______…
The secret of beauty is in your hands,
_______, _______,
Your beauty shines with _______."

8. Clue: 80s
"____, ______ _____,
Ang wallet na masuwerte,
Balat nito ay genuine
International pa ang mga design
Ang wallet na masuwerte
____, ______ _____."

My next post will be about big dicks. And it will be a mouthful.

Thursday, March 03, 2011

What, No Career Yet? -- A Follow Up on Jimgirl's Epic Fail

It's been four, five months since you last came out in drag. And then what? Don't tell me you don't have any TV or movie offers yet. Endorsements, perhaps? Soaps? Voice overs? Any further guestings? Anything to promote? Nothing? Seriously? But you looked so, ah, fierce in that interview slash grand reveal with Boy Abunda. You wore this faux leather jacket on that animal print blouse. You had this most tasteful bonnet on, and those black leggings you wore did a wonderful job in concealing those mammoth legs. How can such a refined taste in clothes fail you? You looked all too smashing with your coming out.

Smashed in the face is more like it. Hah! I shall make it a personal mission to monitor what news of you with such devilish sarcasm, and I will make fun of you, Jim Girl, every chance I get. That will be an easy job, though. I drip ridicule, and I don't expect to hear anything from you in the next 100,000,000,000,000 years.

It's been four, five months since you last came out, and I still hate you with a passion.


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