Friday, June 17, 2016

The Seven Annoying Facebook Posters (Introducing The Loser Meter!)

**Seven. Like the deadly sins. And in spite of this, I'm glad that Facebook doesn't have a Post On a Need to Know Basis in the fine print. I wouldn't have material otherwise. And before we begin with this playful list, I challenge you, my Dearly Beloved reader, to ask yourself this.



I am writing a post that will boost my Facebook posts, but that took longer than an erection on some pothead. That explains this repost. I wrote this in November 2010. It can use an update, but it's still relevant.




Seven. Like the deadly sins. I will be updating this post soon to include "The Sudden Expert," "The Nearly Faceless," and "The Spoiler." 





1. The "I Heart My Macchiato" Poster
This is usually accompanied by a picture of a half eaten banofee pie and a Tall Caramel Macchiato with their name painstakingly made visible on that one shot. I get it. You have hand-me-down taste. And it would have been so very special, so damned special if there weren't one billion of your social climbing kind out there. Underscore would have been. Stick to your calls.


LOSER RATING: This poster doesn't qualify. There's nothing wrong with this kind of poster, but a ratio of four Machiato posts to one generic post is doubtful.

2. The 20-year Old Kid and His Unsolicited Love Advice
I say grow up, get yourself a haircut, move out of your parents' house, start supporting yourself, and then tell me about it. If I wanted advice on that crazy little thing called love, then I'd get me a mother fucking fortune cookie. Or read the horoscope. Or buy me a Bob Ong book and then count the number of times he's been plagiarized by you little boys and girls just for the devilish fun of it.


LOSER RATING: Doesn't qualify. I'm not saying you're dumb. Far from it. I simply have no employment for your advice.

3. The "I Hate Your Guts, But I'm Too Chicken to Tell It To Your Face, So I'll Post a Shout Out Instead and Wait for the Comments Because I'd Rather Have Sympathy Over Courage"
They were mighty fluent during the last election period. And they can't get enough exclamation points. I had to import mine from China.


LOSER RATING:





4. The "I Have a New Post in My Blog, and I Will Be Too Cross-Eyed with Delight If You Guys Can Click on this Link Here."

Faggot, if we know you have a blog, and if we liked the shit you wrote about the last time you endorsed your proud waste of internet space, then we'll bookmark you, and you don't have to ask. So stop distracting me, bitch. I'm uploading my macchiato/banofee pics.


LOSER RATING:






5. The "I'm Telling You Anway" Poster

Personally, this has got to be the most self-absorbed of the lot. He's too self-absorbed, you'd think his physical constitution is made of up 40% water and 60% cotton. He posts about the most useless triviality, the most unusable detail, the superficial more often than not that he prompts the question:

And we should know this because?
Really, we're just so positively thrilled that you "just woke up :)," or that you're "cooking beef tapa," or that you're "4 cm na," but seriously, why do I need to know that?
LOSER RATING:





6. The "Poor You" Poster

There's this one loser in my network who shouted out that he's not going to be on Facebook for a few days. Nobody made a comment. A few days later, he posted a follow up shout out saying he's back. Again, nobody posted a comment. Sigh, this poor thing was thinking somebody cared. Let it be known that this facet of social networking, i.e. getting ignored, is most certainly heart breaking because it defeats the point of a subscription. But I have to admit, that shit is entertaining most especially when that somebody is getting ignored twice.


It can be argued that this kind of poster, the "Poor You" poster, is a distant relative of the "I'm Telling You Anyway" poster , but unlike the latter, the often-ignored "Poor You" poster is amusing. Because he's relentless.

His shallow shout outs, and that's a staggering understatement, rarely, if not never, get the props he was shooting at. Like the "I'm Telling You Anyway" poster, this attention whore just can't cut it, but, for some reason, he's far too encouraged by all that conceit that he goes for yet another nip at attention. Which he doesn't get. One can be led to believe that all the 300-plus people in this loser's network died over the weekend. Or he's just dead to them to begin with, and he's just there for quantity. The poor little bastard needs a consolation, so here's a customized comment you can use if you suspect one of these losers in your network:


"I don't know where you get your sense of entitlement, but you need to lose it."

LOSER RATING:






7. The "I Like What I Said" Poster

There was this one gay loser kid (Jesus, I need to trim these people down) in my network who posted that he's in a relationship. And it looks like he liked it so much that he was the first one to click on the LIKE link. Which doesn't make sense to me, because you don't post things like that if you didn't. Now it would have been fantastic, like in a fantasy, if his audience humored his bullshit, like good fucking sports, but no. The "I Like What I Said" poster's was the only acknowledgment on his own shout out. And that's just sad.


Imagine laughing at your own joke because nobody found it funny. That's the "I Like What I Said" poster for you, and he's an unprecedented height of pathetic. Because he's doing it for the fake props, and not to save face.
LOSER RATING:

31 comments:

  1. shet, ang loser ko pala. haha guilty of a lot of these things.

    back-reading. don't mind me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Citybuoy, If I Were You was a week ago. Enjoying the hiatus? And how do you like the new look? Industrial, like a trash can! Ahaha, don't mind me, I just fell in love with blogging all over again.

    There's a lot of refreshing ideas out there!

    Cheers you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. Close to two weeks, actually but who's counting. lolz

    Seems like you fell in love with blogging all over again. I haven't seen so many Momel comments in all my life! lol Yes, there are a lot of refreshing ideas. You just gotta be careful with some of 'em. :)

    The new look's very butch which means it's okay by many people's standards. And since we;ve never met, I wouldn't really know if the layout matches the blogger.

    Like how I just slipped that in? lol

    ReplyDelete
  4. taragya. naglilink ako ng blogpost sa fb. hahha

    ReplyDelete
  5. Ahaha, me? Butch?Citybuoy

    First off all, I am counting. We "old timers" should know well to stick together. And that was irrelevant.

    Anyway, yes, ANDAMING NAKAKATUWANG BLOGGERS NGAYON! As in, they're all there, crawling out of the woodwork, and they're making headway with their very engaging blogs. I love it! It's both challenging and inspiring at the same time, and what makes it better, what makes it ideal is that I get to correspond with these delightful people. Like the pogi who posted at 3:03 PM.

    Ako rin eh @ Mots

    Actually ako ung tinutukoy ko dun sa line na yun. Para pati ako may lait. Hindi naman puwedeng lahat sila eh may puna, samantalang ang linis linis ng dating ko. Ano ko, chicks???

    Ahaha, salamat sa pagdalaw! Ni-add kita sa roll ko kasi ampogi mo eh. Pero mas guwapo sa yo yung blog mo, sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  6. ahh yes, our teacher illustrator is a fine specimen, possibly the next cyber celebrity? with the proper marketing? what do u think? haha

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well @ Citybuoy

    He's got the skill, the inspiration, and a growing fanbase. So yeah, I suppose he'll be a close second to Pokwang's (I love that horny betch!) rise to infamy.

    Cheers you!

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am so proud that I can honestly say that I am guilty of none of these 7 Facebook Loser sins... My only sin is... I made a fan page ahahaha.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I dreaded reading the list. Haha. Thank heavens I'm not guilty of anything. But then again, I've been laying low on FB for quite some time now. Maybe because I realized the risk of turning into any of the above is too high. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Barry1:21 AM

    Gusto mo magturo ako?

    ReplyDelete
  11. #5 guilty! more than 2 years ago when i started fb-ing in Dubai. I signed up for an account just to poke and be poked by the emiratis.

    and yes Mots=love

    ReplyDelete
  12. ahahaha lagot ka tekser mots..ibebenta ka na nila sa bombay!

    iisa isahin ko kasi lab din kita! feeling ko kapatid kita sa ibang panahon...ahahaha

    #1- may petyur akong may hawak na sterbeks..pero di sinasadya! nasa kalye kami non..nagkataon lang! tsaka di naman mamahalin ang sterbeks dito,hihihi

    oo nagpapaliwanag ako! ahahaha

    #2- not guilty!
    #3- ewan ko kung guilty ako..minsan kasi tamang parinig ako..pero walang pinatatamaan na tao..para sa masa yun..ahahaha

    #4- not guilty kasi tama na yung tatlo kong kapatid ang may alam ng blog ko sa totoong buhay..ahahaha may tinatago kasi ako!

    #5- minsan lang...ahahaha pero di naman yung ultimo pag tulog at pag gising...ahahaha

    #6 at #7- NOT GUILTY!!! meron pa nga na sila pa din ang unang mag cocomment eh..ahahaha

    eh anong FB account mo? add kita dali,hihihi

    ReplyDelete
  13. HAHAHA!!! mejo aray! haha!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Ni update ko na siya @ Mots Pogi

    Yan, may kasama nang screenshot, hugs, at kisses.

    Ahaha @ Glentot

    You just gave me an idea. Maybe I'll amend this post. But I don't think a fan page qualifies for the Loser Meter on account of you're real good. And you have fans. Let me quote Eddie Gil now... "Hello fans."

    Well @ Siratalaga

    It's all fun and games, and I'm still waiting for someone to lose an eye. Really, I'm a jerk. I suppose the chances of one steering clear of any of these seven stereotypes will be to post on a Need to Know Basis.

    Hai Noynoy! @ Bars

    Okay lang fren. Marami na kong kilala. Actually sila nga ang inspirasyon ko eh. Puwede pa kong magdagdag dito, may gusto ka bang i-share? Wahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  15. Aww, Mots = Love @ Orally

    But then again, it is your FB account, and you have your entitlements. I am just reporting everybody's bullshit. Ahaha!

    Nakakaiyak naman yang enumeration na yan! @ Ate Pokwang

    Uma-ate? Ahaha, feeling ko nga ikaw ang nakakatanda sa ibang panahon na yan! Ahaha! Dinagdagan ko na ng screenshot yung #4 para hindi na sumama ang loob ni Titser Mots. At para ma-add mo na rin ako sa FB! Andun na yung last name ko, search mo na lang para ma-add mo na ko. At nang makapag-chat na tayo noh! I'm sure uma-atikabong betlugan toh!

    Hai Wally Bayola! @ Jeh

    Don't worry, wala ka sa list ng aking mga inspirational losers.

    Cheers sa inyong lahat! Ika nga nung fren kong rakenrol, Mabuhay kayo!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Momel fren... heto gumawa ako ng blogger acct para naman matino ang dating pag nag-comment ako dito hahaha!

    ReplyDelete
  17. Awwwwwww @ Fren Bars

    Unang una, di angkop sa kin ang sweet! Uma-awww pa, awwwooooo dapat yan eh.

    Lavet! Yun lang, short and sweet. Thanks Pnoy, ikaw na talaga! Muah!

    ReplyDelete
  18. dibee6:04 PM

    The only reason I am not guilty of those is that I don't post at all. Well siguro once a year. And since 1 year pa lang ako sa fb 1 pa lang ang napopost ko.
    Pero mahilig ako mag comment. Magkakaroon ka ba ng post about annoying facebook commenter? I'll wait for that

    ReplyDelete
  19. That's an idea! @ Dibee

    Ahaha, once a year? Ano yun, Happy Birthday to Me? Circulate yourself, you magnificent thing you!

    And thanks for dropping by! Cheers you, mabuhay ka!

    ReplyDelete
  20. Sweet ka naman tignan Momel... hindi lang showy. Ahaha!

    PS: yung captcha dito... stress orena drilon. ugh.

    PSS: hukinang!!! it took me 15minutes to remember what's my google account info (un and pw). imbyernadette sembrano!!!

    ReplyDelete
  21. Yack @ Fren Bars

    Di ako sweet! Hindi! Hindi! Hindi!

    PS. Honga eh, stress yung verification, pero kailangan, pangontra sa aswang yan fren.

    PSS. Tuma-tanders ka na kasi. Wahahaa!

    ReplyDelete
  22. Ako na ang guilty of some of these things. Hahaha, dropping by.

    -Arwind

    ReplyDelete
  23. Buti na lang fren, hindi mo sinama ung mga post ng post ng Bible verses! hahaha! love it.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Uy fresh meat! @ Arwind

    Anlakas maka-half elf ng pangalan mo ha. Honga, thank you for dropping by, and keep dropping by, will you? Cheers and mabuhay ka!

    Hai Fre-en! @ Sista Lanie

    Walaang problema ang bible verses fren, wag lang yung Leviticus 18:22. Hoy mga bakla, look that up. Leviticus 18:22. Patay tayo diyan.

    ReplyDelete
  25. pag ikaw talaga nagcocomment,pakiramdam ko artista ko whahaha

    ReplyDelete
  26. Ngek! I oftentimes promote my new blog posts in my facebook account. Hahaha after reading this, hindi ko na gagawin, promise. :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. Mots,

    Wahaha! At bakit naman hindi, ha pogi? Muah!

    Mel B.

    First of all, thanks for dropping by! Your name has been all around, and so you can't begin to understand how happy I am to have you here in my proud waste of space. Keme. Promise, keme nga. Wahaha, but really, keep promoting your new posts in your shout outs. I know I will. I call myself a loser, at times, anyway, so I'm not bothered.

    Cheers you two! Mabuhay kayo!

    ReplyDelete
  28. Ate Momel thank you. I want to kick myself nga kung bakit very recently lang ako napadpad sa balay mo. I have to read your previous posts because I'm learning a lot. Mabuhay ka po and thanks for dropping by too.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Mel B.,

    Ikaw na ang huling nominee for Etchusera 2010. Umabot lang teh, nag-cue na yung commercial for Varimoid eh.

    Pesteng Almuranas? Mag Varimoid ka! Para sa ireng maginhawa!

    Wahaha!

    Cheers at Mabuhay ka Girl!

    ReplyDelete
  30. Natawa ako ng bungga sa 6 and 7. Imbey ako sa mga friends ko na belong sa #7, halatang tuwang-tuwa sila sa sarili nila haha.

    Uhmm.. guilty yata ako sa number 5 and 6. HAHA

    ReplyDelete

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