Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Of Gay Men and Their Imaginary Boyfriends

**And then you realize that, after all this time, it has turned into a hollow gamble. And it is, by consequence, unprofitable. Most especially if they don't measure up to the love of your life.

The trouble with an imaginary boyfriend is when he resurfaces after a three year hiatus to muddy your shallow waters for the second time around. And it's not enough that he says hello. Because in your head, that Hello meant a whole heaven of self-serving fantasies, like it did the first time it worked its black magic. He takes his big bag of bullshit with him and takes you for another ride.

It's been three years since your last chat session. It's been three years since you first felt this excited. But things happened between then and now. You grew up, fell in love, and you learned to edit yourself. And so you go for it. It's been three years since you first felt this much of a giddy fool with his mountains and his molehills and his pots of gold at the end of the rainbow. You lost your rose-tinted glasses on your way here, and you're seeing things now as they really are. Fairy tales are for loveless queers who neither had the balls nor the conviction to go offline and make things happen.

If you have to cocksuck one thing that these past three years taught you, its that love exists outside the internet. You came to terms with that lesson, and it's a fucking mouthful. It's the tangible kind of non-sexual love that inspired such abstract aimlessness, like an imaginary boyfriend, in the first place. The holy grail of unrequited gay love is not online. Real love is offline. And it has fangs and conviction and is founded on tears and broken bottles of beer and the disapproval of your family and friends and, in the name of righteous indignation, moving out of your home because it seemed like the proper thing to do back then.

You moved out of your parents' house because of the love of your life. Your imaginary boyfriend can't even take you away from your Yahoo Messenger because you're too caught up in your make-believe love life to even brush your teeth. That was three years back, and you know for a fact its just unprofitable to begin with. Get over it.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Goddamn Power Bill

**Well fuck them all.

I saw it in the news. The reason why MERALCO enraged all us common folk, and the rich people too, with an uprecedented increase in our recent bill was because they "purchased an expensive kind of electricity" with which to address our necessities. Bullshit. Aside from the heart attack charges that were incurred, my television set still gave me poor programming, my digibox was still a distinct refreshment from all that poor programming, my electric fans still gave me the humid kind of air it was dispersing since February, and my DVDs are still playing pirated copies. What the fuck is so different with their "special electricity" that justified those charges?

If I took a fork, a wet fork, and stuck it in one of my 220v outlets while holding on to it, will I die any differently? Why would I do something like that, you ask? It is for the same reason that drove those fools at MERALCO to shop for expensive electricity and then drive us mad us with the recent billing statement.

If it weren't for the killer bill to look forward to at the end of the month, I'm seriously considering an electrocution.

Thursday, April 15, 2010

It's Because We Are a Social Climbing Nation

**Filipino's doing a tribute to the Oscars? Seriously, what kind of rice are we eating these days?

I know it's old news, but its attracting the same kind of disgust anyway. Really, what the fuck is up with that? I honestly don't see the point in doing some big time ass kissing unless we're social climbing in a grand scale. And even then, I really don't see why. Are we soliciting attention from some idle bottom feeder in Hollywood, perchance he Googles the wrong set of words and sees this kind of crap?

That's just pathetic in many different levels. I mean, can't we kiss our own brown asses instead and celebrate... what's left to celebrate in our home grown talent. Ohh, there you go. I just had a light bulb moment. I suddenly realized that maybe, in the midst of all these indie films that border on cheap gay porn, and in between those increasingly dull love stories that Star Cinema recycles in different degrees of tiredness, and in those insanely powered up remakes of Ramon Revilla's or Mars Ravelo's or Carlo Caparas' characters, and in the light of all these faith healing kids, maybe there just isn't anything left to appreciate.

Now I get it. But that doesn't mean we're any less of a social climbing nation.

Saturday, April 10, 2010

I Told You He's Never Going to Make It!

**This is the third time I'm using this post, and that is because I really loathe this person with the kind of seething hatred one usually reserves for really talentless nobodies. I'm posting it again because I like to gloat. Ha!

There was once this horse who died and went to that big green pasture in horse heaven. His name's Galloping Poser, and he was receiving judgment from the Guardian of the Pearly Fences. Here's what happened:

Loud and Booming Voice: Galloping Poser, we have been monitoring your activities, and you have been a very very wicked horse indeed. You have an ego that's more than enough for a village, you make fun of people more educated than you are, and you associate with good looking people because you're hoping that their cool will be transferred to you in one way or another. You use people, and that's not something characteristic of a god fearing horse.

Loud and Booming Voice: As punishment, you will be forced to be reborn as a human being. You will be living in the Philippines where you will be living a lifetime of bad acting. In ABS CBN.

Loud and Booming Voice: You will be sweating blood in your futile attempts at success, but your efforts shall all be in vain since we will not be giving you any talents worth noticing. None at all. What you can call redemption shall surface in the form of your onscreen love interest and your backup dancers, but you shall have nothing with which to shine on your lonesome. You will be devoid and bereft of any bankable skills. You will be a handicap, and you will be nothing without your onscreen love interest and your backup dancers. Save maybe for some skills in social climbing and faking and macho posturing, you will still be leading a hopeless career in Philippine showbusiness.

Loud and Booming Voice: You will break in to the entertainment industry not because of anything that's worth counting like your features maybe or your talents. Like I mentioned, you shall be stripped bare of these luxuries at birth. You will be galloping in a race, in a contest that seeks to discover badly dressed talents that will add to ABS CBN's circus of already badly dressed talents. You will win, but don't count that as good fortune. That is but part of this grand masterplan to wreck you. We will expose your shitty horseness to the heavily criticizing public.

Loud and Booming Voice: You will retain your features as a horse in a man's body, and your name will be Joross Gamboa.

Translation: That faggot Hero (another no-talent) is no longer in the picture! At last, my time has come!

This was a post dated May 2006. Click here to view the original post. Like that makes a difference.

Monday, April 05, 2010

Jolina Gone Gaga, and Why Love Teams Make Me Shit Five Pounds Worth of Body Weight

**Coincidentally, "Gaga" is also a Tagalog word for Stupid. And what makes it all the more stupid is the idea that some people are still struggling for an identity at the age of 31.

She's this flamboyant rising star whose curious lyrics are transmitted with an outrageous sense of style that, although not really unprecedented, creates this likeably retarded personality. Her originality is, at best, arguable, but her uniqueness is never boring. That's Lady Gaga for you.

On the other hand, she started as this sweet little regular looking child star, whose singing chops are just as unremarkable. She had that lost sense of style that's punctuated by mix and match accessories that neither mix nor match. And you should see her obviously "arranged" Wikipedia page. That's Jolina Magdangal for you. And by "lost," I mean aimless. Her child star days are obviously long gone, but she never lost the appeal of the undecided. It could be argued that the reason behind her okay transition from "child star" to "still employed in show business" is because she had this genuinely affectionate sense about her. And people like that. That likeability translates to employment. And this is never why she's out of a job.

No, it's not because of those man-whores she shared "love teams" with. Those dipshits can't be popular on their own, so they weren't really instrumental, thank you very much. And while I'm on the subject, allow me to bitch fit; "love teams" are just so fucking backwards. There's just something unnecessary about this sort of arrangement. Most especially if one has enough star power for two people. See, if the bloody planets were aligned proper on the day you were born, and you were supposed to be famous by default, then you don't need a chaperone on your way up. Unless you see yourself as some sort of charity that endorses talentless nobodies. Sure, I understand that such dull gimmicks are aimed towards their wide-eyed and dreamy groupies, but these pathetic gay wad packagings are just dead to me. And my people. Love teams, in all their excessive cheesiness, are nothing more that smelly, ball sniffing, flea bitten dogs that are barking at the wrong gay tree.

Now a gay love team, THAT would be curious. Nobody's tried that yet, but on the impossibility that they did, then I'll give it a shelf life of a year. Until it's either done to death or no longer entertaining. Pity, that Sofitel incident had the makings of a pioneer.

Now let me go back to the wannabes I was talking about. Jolina Magdangal is still in Filipino show business after a lackluster twenty something years, and then, for once, she does something worth talking about. In what might be a suicidal slash comedic and altogether pathetic attempt at reinvention, Joline Magdangal becomes Lady Gaga. Yes. And I can hear your eyebrows raising. It's the same sound that your disgusted smirks are creating. And you know what, that's not stopping her from going Gaga.

Although this little episode slash epileptic fit teaches us absolutely nothing in terms of making sound decisiones, it does reveal an unscientific first. Metamorphosis can be done backwards.

Sunday, April 04, 2010

A Healthy Serving of Cute for Easter

**Because nothing beats cute.

Pictures taken from LOLCATS.


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