Say for example you are a Christian, and you wish to express your Christian faith in the best trending way you know how. You look for Jesus Christ in Facebook. And so you did, but it's suddenly a confusing mess because there are lots, as in Goddamn shit loads, of Jesus Christs in Facebook. It's like a plague of Jesus Christ locusts out there.
|Choooose Your Jesus!|
Anyway, this doesn't stop you from your most Christian mission. You need to tell Jesus something, or die trying. Prayer used to be the only sure fire way to get Him a message, but seeing as most prayers are left unanswered because God works in mysterious ways anyway, you yield to something more visible. More 2013. More bandwagon-ish. Hey, if everybody else is doing it, then why can't you? Right? So you lose the sign of the cross, and looked for a Jesus to subscribe to. Or Like. Of course, the operative term here is visible. You want your Facebook friends to see Jesus Christ in your Interests page.
Meanwhile, you still cannot choose which Jesus Christ to subscribe to. Luckily, most of them have links to their own websites, but you're in a hurry, so you offer your Like to the first Jesus you see. You will have a new life in Candy Crush in another two minutes, so you can't be bothered to check their individual links. That's your problem. As for me, I am suddenly devoted to this one Jesus in particular, Jesus H Christ, because he's a jerk. And, on a personal note, Jerks Rule! But this one Jerk is a Savior to God's sheep, so Liking him is a win-win situation for sure. Here's a fine selection of Jesus H. Christ's recent status updates:
And I quote: "Not a bad bathroom shot, if I do say so myself....."
I am loving Jesus more today than yesterday. Thank you Facebook. Having said that, one of the other reasons why I chose to enlarge on Jesus' Facebook Wall is the title. What to Write in Jesus' Facebook Wall. Catchy shit, isn't it? And this is what you write in Jesus' Facebook Wall.
I haven't posted this in Jesus' Wall yet. Let's keep this a secret, but the thing is, I fear the wrath of Jesus' online flock. All 19,318,814 of them. There is strength in numbers, not to mention the strength in one's online faith. That there is unbelievable. And I don't want to mess with them. For real. See, I could be reported to Facebook. And that will be a threat to my Facebook account. And I don't want to lose my Facebook profile yet, because that there is my only visible association with Jesus these days. And I have a score to settle with that spawn of the devil, Candy Crush.
1 Made you click. It's the next post, really. And I'll see you guys next week.