|"Why, is that a dick to be Liked?"|
I used this in one of my earlier posts, What to Like in Facebook, and I wrote this in keeping with what you really want to say when somebody asks you to "Like my Page please," but are too polite to give them the finger. That sentence was a mouthful, I know. Meanwhile, That picture is public service, My Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts, but nobody really used it anyway, so fuck that and let us move along.
This list explains my Facebook Like Policy (haha). You could disagree on the things enumerated here in an equally sulfuric post, tell me about, and I am not going to read it. I can honestly promise you now, in earnest, that I will not give a fuck. To each his own, Dearly Beloved, you are what you Like. And having said that, let us begin this list.
I would like to say how I feel for you, first time parents, and your boundless joy and the speechless happiness that comes with your angelic bundle of noisy ecstacy. I have personal reasons why I have decided not to reproduce. But I'm sure you have nothing but warmth for your Little Beloved, which is why I will Like all your updates for the first seven days following your delivery. This could be nickel-plated empathy, but I am genuinely happy for you, and I will then understand your usual mission of documentation.
I will Like all your updates, and I'm talking All of them. That includes the hourly selfies and updates on your Little Beloved's shit patterns. Why, you can even post your Little Beloved's first used diaper in a trash can, and I will like it in earnest.
This flood Liking will take place for the first seven days, where you are at the summit of your happiness inspite of your sore vajayjay. I will Like with restraint, as is customary for I have taste, on the eighth day forward. Hopefully, your kid inherited the cute genes so I can continue to Flood Like such updates.
I remember this one Facebook status where this bitch updated everyone on the dilation of her vajayjay. "Omg, I'm 4cm na." Just sharing.
Common Courtesy Likes
|I steal pictures from the Internet. I have no problems with them stealing pictures back. That, ladies and gentlemen, is The Golden Rule in motion.|
I will not Like any of your updates if you have never Liked any of my updates. I have decided to believe that there is still such a novelty as common courtesy in 2014. Once upon a time, in the 20th century, the powers that be indoctrinated everybody with the principles of The Golden Rule. The Golden Rule asks everyone to "Do unto others what you would have others do unto you," and we grew up to its ironclad implementation that we were living it by the age of four. We grew up to Common Courtesy, what polite days, and I have reason to believe it died a few years back.
Common Courtesy is not a trend in Facebook. Everyone is so bent on being Liked, and then generating Selfies or updates that will collect more Likes, that no one bothers to pay attention to anybody else. However, I admit that there are a few Golden Exceptions who still manifest this kind of unusual acknowledgment, and they keep my little faith going. Like me, and I will Like you back. And that's basically the size of it.
This explains my Common Courtesy Like Policy. There are near infinite ways to make fun of Etiquette, but I'd far rather not for it is something dear to me, like my G-spot, so let us move on.
|That tall homo writes this crap. To the left is his Awesome Tattoo Artist, Ms Rakel Natividad.|
Pictures of your new tattoos get automatic Likes. I feel for you, my Inked Dearly Beloved. This also explains why anything by my Awesome artist, Mam Rakel Natividad, get automatic Likes.
Status updates from family members get automatic Likes regardless of the content.
|Haha, a list on Selfie Rules smells luscious, but I don't have the energy. Or the interest.|
I will Like your Selfies if and only if they fall under any of the following guidelines:
1. You are genuinely beautiful or handsome, whatever. I should know since I know you in person. Underscore genuinely.
2. You are genuinely beautiful or handsome regardless of your gender. I'll even add a comment that says "LikeLikeLikeLikeLike" if you were a truly beautiful boy or a really handsome girl.
3. That is still your real face, and you haven't aged a bit.
4. That is no longer your real face, and I am really Like-ing your cosmetic surgeon's intestinal fortitude.
5. I really like you as a person.
6. You smile with your teeth.
7. You are not giving me no goddamn attitude most especially when we know how painfully ordinary you look in person.
8. You have no make up on.
9. On the spot if someone took your Selfie for you (which defeats the point), but you went ahead and posted that stolen shot anyway because you don't give a fuck.
10. You're a fierce bitch, qualified.
11. Your Selfie isn't accompanied by some weak-ass plagiarized quote that really does nothing to bring out your eyes. Having said that, your Selfie Quotes really are irrelevant, aren't they? Where's your confidence?
You are sharing some titillating scandal that involves people I know. It's okay if you're not mentioning names, but the clues you let slip gave us a passport photo in our heads. Thank you.
Trust me, My Dearly Beloved, this is one of the two main reasons why I keep logging in to my Facebook account. I am a hopeful gossip because my life is mostly boring.
Having the Steel Nuts to Tag the Object of Your Loathing
|Think about it, Dearly Beloved. When was the last time somebody tagged someone in a Facebook fight?|
You're tits are boiling in anger with that ALL CAPS status update directed towards a certain dip shit in our network of friends. And you are not keeping us in suspense because you actually Tagged the dip shit in question. Three snaps in a Z-formation to you, you fierce, fierce bitch.
I hate it when people express their loathing over someone in their network, and they let the rest of their friends know, and they unload an emotional string of 100 furious words (no periods, one sentence) towards a very hateful Anonymous person. I get that you're livid, I am aware that you're boiling, but if you really meant all those F-words, then you should at least have the courtesy to fight fair and let the object of your hatred know. And us, too, since we, your intended audience, know the right kind of drama to pay attention to. Some of us have taste, you know.
Think about it. How would we, your intended audience, know you're not making up the drama?
I make it a point to Like a friend's accomplishments. And we're talking about the kind of accomplishments that they studied hard for, rendered multiple over time hours for, weight trained with religious discipline for, stayed loyal to each other after five years for, woke up at four in the morning for three months for, got nominated and then elected for, cheated a drug test for, got wrongfully detained and got out of it for, saved P100,000 so they can get a pair of silicon breasts for. So no, that magical anemic chicken you cooked for lunch doesn't count, unless of course you are quadriplegic and you were a telekinetic chef.
Listen, Dearly Beloved, listen here. I am genuinely acknowledging of your triumphs, most especially when you deserve them. I am not kidding. But your "OMG, I just beat ___ levels in ______" update?
And, for the troubled life of me, I still don't get broken hearted people who keep quoting crap about moving on, or about how the next love of their lives will be better and shit, or about how the ex was a womanizing cunt. You are telling us that you have "moved on" because? You already told us a week ago, why do you need to tell us again? Maybe you need the "Keep telling yourself that" kind of reinforcement, but bitch, please. Get over it. You are now in your thirties and you are still following that Marcelo dude?
Such pictures are love, undistilled raw love, and they get automatic Likes. End of story.
I am now reminded of the sheer tastelessness of posting pictures of your recently deceased. Some morbid things are delicious, but seriously, dude, why can't you just tell us where the wake is being held? What, are we the kind of people that require visual evidence of a Dearly Departed in a coffin? What, are you thinking we are suspicious? What, they're not dead enough? What, the reports of their death are greatly exaggerated?
And you should know that there is nothing original with this sort of weirdness.
The Victorians have done post-mortem photography, and they did it rather tastefully considering their subject. We are talking 18th century here, my Dearly Beloved. What you're doing has been done to death, it is far from original, and it's still a loser update.
Meanwhile, feast yourself on these fine examples of post mortem photography, 18th century style.
Get automatic Likes. Ugh, sonofabitch, I just said "Crushie." And I am in my thirties now. Anyway, Crushie is thin. Crushie is most definitely rock and roll. Crushie has more visible tattoos than I have. Crushie gives me spectacular erections all the time. Crushie is all that and then oozes with hardcore confidence. Crushie is someone I haven't met yet.