Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Horror Movie Review #30: The Mad

**Anyone in for a twisted patty?


Directed By: John Kalangis

Release Date: 22 May 2007

Running Time: 83 minutes

Language: English
Horror Type: Bad cow meat.

Sex? - I didn't miss any.
Gore? - Cute.

Billy Zane stars in this lame, sleep inducing half-comedy that twists mad cows disease, there you go, to very dull proportions. I know, that's stupid right off the bat, but that's not even half of it.

The real problem I had with this movie is I don't get them ground beef patties that attack people and turn them into zombies when anyone who eats them turns into zombies anyway. They're moldy chunks of mad cow beef, and what they do is they fly like face huggers and attach themselves to their victims. How is that vicious when they don't even have teeth? And they're green?
And the zombies, wow, the undead in this film are hella unconventional in a totally unfunny way. Zombies don't figure out guns, let alone use them to kill off what might be an important character, and they are not supposed to be bribed with designer clothes.

Momel's Rating: 2/5

Sunday, December 28, 2008

Horror Movie Review #29: The Morgue

**Most sites say this movie sucked. I disagree.

Directed By: Halder Gomes and Gerson Sanginitto
Release Date: August 28, 2008
Running Time: 84 minutes
Language: English

Horror Type: Ghosts on the run.
Sex? - None.
Gore? - None.

How fascinatingly twisted that The Morgue begins with a quote from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I mean, it needs a real Sherlock Holmes, or someone similarly trained to unweave the seemingly confusing threads of this movie.

"Whenever you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."
It's about this group of seven strangers who find themselves fighting for their lives in this morgue. Sure its campy, but then it goes on to reveal that these people are dead to begin with. Like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense or Nicole Kidman and her kids in The Others, these people don't know they're dead already. The surprising twist here is with the serial killers. I mean, what's the point of a killing spree if he's killing dead people to begin with? Ah, that's where it gets real clever.

Momel's Rating: 4/5

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Horror Movie Review #28: Trailer Park of Terror

**Y'all gun love this little treasure.

Directed By: Steven Goldmann

Release Date: 21 October 2008
Running Time: 91 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Fucking backwards redneck zombies from hell.
Sex? - Hell yeah!
Gore? - Kickass!

It's a survival horror film which features a group of strangers fighting for their lives in this, guess where, in this trailer park. Let me enumerate some of the fruitiest gore this movie has to offer so we can all move on to better pursuits. Please find time to masturbate.

1. There's this cute scene where a drug addict gets so totally high that she was laughing as her arm was being severed. Her trip goes down, and then she was disemboweled and further cannibalized by a 500-pound zombie.

2. There's this segment on the perfect beef jerky recipe, and they're letting this horndog get first picks. What makes it half-cool is they're cooking him alive, so he's basically eating parts of himself.

It's not all mindless gore though as there is a rather solid, however brief semblance of an actual tale behind the madness. That's becoming rare these days.

Momel's Rating: 3/4

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Horror Movie Review #27: Feast 2

**Cute movie with a bad taste for morbid.

Directed By: John Gulager
Release Date: June 27, 2008
Running Time: 97 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Catfucking freakbeasts.
Sex? - Most definitely: half naked biker chicks and horny wrestler midgets
Gore? - Prime!

You can say that for a continuing story, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds eats the droppings of its predecessor. It's good, but not as fantastic. See, this installation is just recklessly gory to a fault. It's so messy that there's not enough space for an actual story of its own. Sure, the survival horror theme is there like it was in the first feature, but its so relentless with the splatter that it loosens its grip on actual continuity.

It does pick up where Honey Pie left off, or to be more proper, deserted, but the storytelling's narrated in very specific particles to give way to the mind blowing splatter that Feast 2 has to offer. There's nothing scary about it, but in retrospect, the sub title does say Sloppy Seconds. There's this scene where this guy throws a baby in the air, as a decoy, because he's being chased by this mob of freak beasts. That's just sick. And by that, I mean unnecessary. I love it. Couple that with this totally ew regurgitate make out scene plus this gassy monster autopsy, and you have a hardcore challenge to your intestinal fortitude.

It's got a loose story, but the awesome kill scenes leave you sore for sloppier thirds.

Momel's Rating: 4/5

Tuesday, December 16, 2008


My sidebar dropdowns now include all posts up to November 2008, so feel free to browse through them. And speaking of updates, I've scheduled four horror movie reviews to sexify my December posts all the more. Cheers!

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Light Bulb Moments

**Notes from the old drawing board.

I think I want to be real messy come 2009. Think spontaneous human combustion. Think anorexia nervosa. Think wicked ocular trauma. But then again, in retrospect, another pointless change like what I have in mind will, in turn, require additional changes to complete the theme. I will have to change the layout, steal more appropriate images, maybe wrap it all up with a killer font or something. And then maybe a purple mascot shaped like a pear. But shit, I'm too lazy for all that glam.

This would have been my nth time redecorating, and frankly, just thinking about it makes me all too mighty tiresome alright.

Friday, December 05, 2008

Horror Movie Review #26: The Tattooist

**Here's something for you girls.

Directed By: Peter Burger (Directed TV episodes and series prior to The Tattooist. Noteworthy for NO scary films. That hasn't changed even after this film.)
Release Date: 24 June 2008
Running Time: 92 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Shamed evil spirits of native kick ass tattooists with a vengeance.
Sex? - One. Missionary. No boobs.
Gore? - One killer scene in this hospital where we saw this eye ball cracked vertically in two. Some "peeling."

Jason Behr has got the most formidable ass to ever bless any tattooed man on this here earth. That is the only thing to look out for in this movie, and it's somewhere during the first five minutes of this film. That didn't help. The eye candy that is his ass cheeks left this gay guy hard for more Jason Behr eye candy, and was severely disappointed on two counts: that scene was the prime shot in the film and remained king for the rest of the movie. And the movie sucked.

This means you best be thinking of something else with which to pass the tiring 80 minute roller coaster that follows. Or just google that lovely pair of man butt and do something else with the time you will probably be wasting on the film.

Here, allow me:

So I can't find a butt cheek image on Google. Looks like you might need to watch the film after all, at least for the first five minutes, if you're wet dreams need that much of Jason Behr.

Momel's Rating: 2/5

Monday, December 01, 2008

Universal Turkey Talk

Does it make it any less happy if the greetings were, like, four days late? How pointless, how universal, but let me go on ahead: Belated Happy Thanksgiving Day. I didn't get that, but it sounded appropriate, if not polite. I'm actually laughing at myself for saying that because the construction sounded dumb. And, by the same token, if any of you had birthdays I missed, then Belated Happy Birthday.

We don't do Thanksgiving here in the Philippines because, aside from the family we're born with and created for ourselves, there's nothing Filipino to be real thankful for. Hell, for all its worth, I should be thanking them Americans for the kinky call centering job that's been sustaining me rich all these years. Thank you America.

The closest we can get to festive poultry here in the third world is a cultural roasted treat that is Andok's. It's chicken ala rotisserie, and it's one of the best things your 220 pesos can occasion. Blah, look at me, I'm talking chicken, and I don't sound like I'm enjoying it. I'd rather talk about poultry that's common to all us hopelessly addicted smokers, so allow me.

The closest I got to going cold turkey were dead in the water promises that this last stick will be the last cigarette I'll be repairing to for comfort. Trouble is, I got too comfortable to the point that I began compromising; the last stick then became the last soft pack of Marlboro Lights. There's this one time I promised to go cold turkey on one particular New Year's Eve. I promised to abandon the habit next year, thinking that it's going to be in the next 24 hours anyway. I'm telling you, that resolution was so delayed, I said to myself I'm quitting the habit "this day next year." We're probably in the same boat with this short-lived bird hunt, that's you, my reader with nicotine stains, and my person, but unlike you, I didn't mind the withdrawal symptoms because I didn't have the resolve enough to experience actual withdrawal symptoms.

The second closest I got to going cold turkey were Google search results.


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