Monday, December 13, 2010

Sanctuary -- A Post With Very Little F-words and a Lot of Drama

**"You don't want no drama. No, no drama, no, no, no, no drama. So don't pull on my hand boy. You ain't my man, boy, I'm just tryn'a dance boy. And move my hump." -- Black Eyed Peas, My Humps

Most closet queens communicate on a need to know basis even to their closest allies -- their mothers. This is true, even of their closest intimates, those whom they call "teh," or "sis," or "marsz," or "bff," or "bhie," or "babe." And it looks like they're mighty comfortable with this unspoken agreement; the parent doesn't need to know, or she can at least find comfort in her son's makeshift support system -- his equally confused circle of friends. They have decided to leave their mothers in the dark, these complacent little faggots satisfied with their selective disclosure. But I'm sure they're aware that they're missing out on something. And it's this heaven of comfort that levels and outshines that temporary security their gay colleagues have prepared for them. There's nothing like a mother's words of comfort to sustain you during your most trying gay heartbreaks. I have been through devastation a few weeks back, and I survived with watermarks and barely a scratch. My mother saw me through it, and these are lines in that saving letter she wrote me:

I am openly gay, and Aurora, my mother, bless her dear heart, she is my sanctuary. Of course, there are my friends, offline and online, and my darling brother and sister. You all saw me through my bleeding and I am forever thankful for your sympathies. Fo shizzle mah nizzle you darling punks. But there's just no comparing the absolute comforting closure that my mother's words provided. Because it was the ultimate acknowledgment that a gay person like myself needed. Because it echoes the acceptance that I can never ask for, out of shame. Because it illuminates the support that I can ony dream of, out of pride. Because she's my mother. And she wrote her validation in a letter. And I was pleased.

I could have cried in return, which is natural and expected, but I cried myself out during the first three days, and I am largely dehydrated.

Total number of F-words -- Seven. find, friends, faggots, for, few, forever, Fo. Hijo de puta, I fucking made it.

I love my ma, but after several re-reads on this same post, I can now honestly say that this was a thoroughly boring post. I felt like writing it, though, because that email my mother sent me gave me sunshine and daisies and a generally wonderful feeling that I felt like writing about it at the time. I had a few ideas, wrote some lines, improvised, formed paragraphs, and there we have it. A thoroughly boring post. And the drama made me do it.

I solemnly swear that I will no longer write drama even if it threatened me with an ice pick or a love letter.


  1. Ooh, Momel's vulnerable side. =P

    It was a beautiful post. We all have a soft spot for our mothers. I'm sure everyone will understand.

  2. Anonymous6:42 PM

    hi mellie dear,

    no. i haven't missed a single post. i almost peed my tampons when you finally met up with the bespectacled queen jess and almost had a miscarriage when i saw your photos and an instantaneous desire for a hair make over (yours of course). my gaad you are sooo thin! i swear 10,000 overweight bloggers committed suicide after that post.

    i've been afloat. sorta lost my rusty anchor. but i digress. i want you to know that i still have my pom-poms for your blog.

    i wish you all the best.

    i remain,
    Bryan Stars

    P.S. i may not have a Twisted series but i'd really want to meet you in person.


  3. now i'm jealous.

    and momel, it's not boring. different than usual maybe but definitely not boring

  4. It's not boring, it's human.

    I'm given to crying recently. I cried yesterday after I heard a song. I saw this beggar in a jeep and I got teary eyed. Now this post, there's this one part that I saw first and I am sorry I have to disagree with Aurora...

    "Time heals everthing."

    I read this this morning, I was like Noo Noo Noo and then there was an avalanche, hindi ako nakacomment at ngayon lang nakabalik para magcomment. Time numbs you but the wound is still there, ready to be picked at. Scars don't hurt when you touch them. Open wounds sting like you cut yourself just yesterday.

    "These wounds don't seem to heal
    This pain is just too real
    There's just so much that time cannot erase"

    --Evanescence, pantapat ko sa My Humps mo! hahaha

    But thanks to your mama Aurora rin, although I disagree with that line, my chest shuddered when she said she would take your pain if possible... reminded me of Doris haha.

    Kelan kaya ako madedehydrate.

  5. its not boring naman ah..well atleast for me. Dont know with the others..he he he..its life kaya. Pano malalaman ng iba kung ano ang feeling ng ganito o ganyan kung hindi mo isusulat? hehehe..

    mom will always know the best for us..

  6. Awwww. My pants are actually wet now with this wonderful first set of comments!

    Ex Jason,

    Thank you. Now I know how it feels like. I can totally relate to your blog now without having to set one specific blog up just for the sake of the heartbreak.

    I was actually waiting for your comments, seeing as you devoted a blog for your cause.

    Cheers you!


    I've always thought you were largely distracted somewhere else, but I will never forget you. I remember the email you sent me, the first one back in 2005, and that was indelible and inspiring at the same time. You are unforgettable because you sent me that wonderful email, and I was, am, forever thankful for that kind gesture.

    Now, where the hell have you been?

    Wahaha, you know I miss you, Amiga, and that you will remain with me as long as this blog is up. Yes, I would love for us to meet. That would be darling!

    Through the years,
    Momel (pak, tumo-through the years pa noh? pantapat yan sa I remain mo, bry. ahaha, si andoy kasi eh, may eksena pang tapatan, pero I lavet!)

    P.S. Oi Bry, nagb blog ka pa ba? Just let me know when you are; you know I have a dear place in my demonology for you and your ideas.

  7. I almost forgot: Cheers, Jason and Bry, at Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Cireehh!

    I apologize for my absenteeism, but I solemnly swear to make amends.


    Awww, really? Thanks. You know how to scratch my facken itch. Oi, and what's there to be jealous about, you darling punk?

    Iinom na lang natin yan! Wahaha!


    Tis the season to be crying? I wonder what a talented fictionist slash porn blogger should be crying about as of late? Did somebody put out a cigarette on your fresh scars? You know how I've always been a fan of your brand of funny. Now that I think of it, and since you mentioned, I wonder what kind of sad you will be capable of expressing.

    Ano, shat na ba? Puwede tayo sa bahay sa Biyernes! Lahat kayong mga punks!

    Sa totoo lang eh I am reminded of your mom as I was writing this post. Doris and the rest of the bloggers' moms. It just so happened that she was well remembered in your writings.

    Cheers, Orally and Glenn, at Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Cireehhh!

  8. Maldito,

    Thanks ha. Isa talaga yan sa mga pakay ko sa pagsusulat eh, yung mag express at magkaroon ng kahit kaunting therapy sa bawat ideyang aking inilalathala. Tapos nag blog ako, pero hindi dahil sa readership, kundi dahil sa nau-uso siya noong mga panahong yun. 2003 yun, brad. Edi nag-blog ako. Enjoy kasi puwede kong lagyan ng mga pictures at kung anu ano pang kafotahang HTML. Aba potah! Bongga yung mga GIF tsaka yung mga makinang na fonts! I lavet already anymore! Edi sulat ako. Blog ako. Tapos nung nagka-comments na ako (isa sa mga pinaka-una si Bryan, siya rin ang unang blogger na nag email sa kin) eh higit ko siyang na-enjoy. Iba yung feedback, lalo pa't hindi spam or generic (gaya ng harutan nila Glenn at Jepoy, yung "beautiful, well written post" na shit). Feel ko talaga na binasa nila yung sinulat ko, at hindi sila nag comment lang para magpa-pansin. Nagkaroon ako ng regular na readers, at nakakatuwa kasi ina-add nila ako sa mga blogroll nila.

    Tapos ikaw di mo pa ko ina-add sa roll mo. Antagal na kaya!

    Wahaha, Cheers, Malditz, Mabuhay Ka! Muahness from Pasig Citehhh!

  9. ang haba ng reply tapos may pakonsensya sa huli? know why youre not in the blogroll?

    because ur in my google reader..atleast i know kung may new post ka and ur one of my fave blogs kaya nasa google reader.....much better than a blogroll..pero kung gusto mo talaga i add sa blogroll, why not chuknut?


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  11. Hindi ba boring is in the eye of the beholder? Ay, beauty pala yun. But still, you should just let us, your dear and beautiful (or as Marian Rivera would say, byu-di-pool) readers, be the judge of that. And lemme tell you, sweet fits you. Keri mo din naman palang hindi maging magandang mahaderang bakla kahit minsan. :D

    But you're right. Enough drama. Leave that to us emo kids. Okay?

    BTW, see you Friday! Question: pa-morning-an ba ang labanan?

  12. Malditz,

    Ganun talaga kaming mga chix, brad, maraming pasakalye. Wahaha! Naluha naman ako dun sa Google Reader na punchline. Kala ko talaga nag-wet na naman ako eh, yun pala eh tears on my pillow ang nangyayari. Maraming salamat sa pag-add sa iyong blog roll, bhie, muahness from Pasig Citehh!


    Aw, sweet fits me? Really? Ahaha, maari, kasi naman minsan ay mahilig ako tumanday, lahat ng long legs ko at long arms ko eh uma-anklang tila pugita noong panahong katabi ko pa sa pagtulog si J. Ahaha, osha, inyo na ang drama, mga emong punks kayo, pero punta ka talaga sa Friday? Yown! Confeerm na yan Aris ha?

    Oo, puwedeng pa-morning-an.

    Oi Malditz, kung may pagkakataon ka eh umi-slot ka na. Join force ka sa Friday, nomo sa balur, Pasig Citehhh. Hoy Glenn and Pat, kayo ba? Red, Manech? Neil? Oi mga punks, lahat kayo ay aking ina-anyayahan ha. Chika niyo na lang kung pisil niyo.

    Cheers Malditz and Aris, Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

  13. Sama ako!

    My liver craves a substantial beating. And a great company for a change. This humdrum of a corporate slave needs some much needed levity and distraction.

    Shall we?

  14. tsuri din Khie at nag weekend na naman kaya nawala na naman ang net ko..alam mo namang nasa galaan ako pag weekend,hihihi

    weno naman kung drama..kwento pa din ng buhay kaya keribels na yan!

    ang masasabi ko lang kay Au eh ang sweet nya...very supporting!! maraming kiss para sa kanya!!!

  15. What's your email? So we can coordinate the arrangements for Friday's inebriation affair. My email's on my profile. Thanks.

  16. Cheers, my darling punks!


    OO NAMAN NOH! Tuloy na tuloy to. Shanga pala, medio unclear yung date. It's either Friday OR Saturday, pero rest assured na I will let you guys know tomorrow morning (Thursday). And one other thing -- we will get smashed this weekend.

    So far eh ikaw, si Aris (siratalaga), and si Nyl (citybuoy, medio mala-late lang daw siya) ang nag-confirm. Excited na ko!

    Ang email address ko eh KEMEE! Wahaha, ang totoo kong email eh Yan talaga, Red.


    Honga eh, maraming eksena talaga tuwing weekend, kaya nga minsan eh iniisip ko na mag schedule ng blog post mga Thursday pa lang para kahit ma-deadma siya ng weekend eh may Friday pa naman para sumalo sa kanya. I mean, pagdating sa mga hits and syett like dat.

    Kumusta naman ang Lomography? At ang Tamography? Wahaha!

    Cheers, Red and Pokwang! Muahness from Pasig Citehhh!

  17. I vote for Friday. For very selfish reasons. Hehe. *whets eyes and bats eyelashes ala-nascent canine*

  18. Hi Momel =)

    Minsan there are things I want to say, pero it's not yet the right time. I am glad you have your mom.

    You have been in my thoughts the past days. I hope you are well =)


  19. Red,

    First off, I just learned how that word, quotidian, is used. Laaaveth. And yes, I sure wish it will be held on a Friday, but I will let you guys know tomorrow morning!


    Hi rin! =) (yehess, de pota)

    Oi Kane, if you're available this weekend (Friday or Saturday, will be ironing out the details, and will let you guys know tomorrow), and kung amenable ka sa mga eksenang cowboy eh invited ka sa munting nomo na magaganap sa building A ng aming tahanan sa Pasig Citehhh! Kasi nga diba, Upper East Sider ka, shala shala, kaya may disclaimer na ganyan.

    Ang wild lang ng mga recent posts mo ha!

    Cheers, Red and Kane, and Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehhh!

  20. To My Darling Punks,

    Saturday PM, December 18, ang final date ng ating mamam na gaganapin sa building A ng aming tahanan sa Pasig Citehh! Sana makapunta kayo... PUNTA KAYO HA! Email niyo ko kung magco confirm kayo. Heto email address ko: Keme lang yan. Heto yung totoong email ko:

    Again, ang paanyayang ito ay nakatuon sa inyong mga punks na nasa blog roll ko. Email niyo lang ako kung pisil niyo, okay?

    Cheers, Muahness from Pasig Citehhh!

  21. Lahat naman tayo may selective disclosure. Okay lang mag-drama. Space mo ito. =)

  22. Anonymous9:20 PM

    Well, I did say you're a heck of a blessed homofuckensexual, right, and for many fabulous reasons, with Aurora rightfully claiming the first. I can only celebrate with you in silence (and not without a tinge of envy), you, lucky beeyutch, you! :P

    Sorry naman ako at wala ako sa blogroll. Haha. JK.

    Here here, cheers to Aurora, to you on your newfound (again?) strength to give life a beauteous kick in the friggin' A, and finally to more uhm, heartach...uhm, heart-murmurs?!



  23. Tsina,

    Sabagay, may tama ka dian. Kaya ganun na lang ako mag bitch fit eh. Space ko nga naman to. Pero ang point ko lang eh di pala ako sanay mag drama! Ansagwa sa kin, parang tokong na shorts tsaka yung white leather shoes na pointed. Pang-paminta ba! Wahaha, keme!


    Eh kasi naman, pano kita ia-add sa roll ko eh ayaw mo namang magbigay ng link!

    Add mo na lang ako sa facebook!


    CheersTsina and 2Qt! Mabuhay kayo at Muahness from Pasig Citehhh!



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