Horror Movie Review #30: The Mad

**Anyone in for a twisted patty?

THE MAD
Directed By: John Kalangis
Release Date: 22 May 2007
Running Time: 83 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Bad cow meat.
Sex? - I didn't miss any.
None. Gore? - Cute.

Billy Zane stars in this lame, sleep inducing half-comedy that twists mad cows disease, there you go, to very dull proportions. I know, that's stupid right off the bat, but that's not even half of it.

The real problem I had with this movie is I don't get them ground beef patties that attack people and turn them into zombies when anyone who eats them turns into zombies anyway. They're moldy chunks of mad cow beef, and what they do is they fly like face huggers and attach themselves to their victims. How is that vicious when they don't even have teeth? And they're green? And the zombies, wow, the undead in this film are hella unconventional in a totally unfunny way. Zombies don't figure out guns, let alone use them to kill off what might be an important character, and they are not supposed to be bribed with designer clothes.

Momel's Rating: 2/5

Horror Movie Review #29: The Morgue

**Most sites say this movie sucked. I disagree.

THE MORGUE
Directed By: Halder Gomes and Gerson Sanginitto Release Date: August 28, 2008
Running Time: 84 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Ghosts on the run.
Sex? - None.
Gore? - None.

How fascinatingly twisted that The Morgue begins with a quote from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. I mean, it needs a real Sherlock Holmes, or someone similarly trained to unweave the seemingly confusing threads of this movie.

"Whenever you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth."

It's about this group of seven strangers who find themselves fighting for their lives in this morgue. Sure its campy, but then it goes on to reveal that these people are dead to begin with. Like Bruce Willis in The Sixth Sense or Nicole Kidman and her kids in The Others, these people don't know they're dead already. The surprising twist here is with the serial killers. I mean, what's the point of a killing spree if he's killing dead people to begin with? Ah, that's where it gets real clever.

Momel's Rating: 4/5

Horror Movie Review #28: Trailer Park of Terror

**Y'all gun love this little treasure.

TRAILER PARK OF TERROR
Directed By: Steven Goldmann
Release Date: 21 October 2008
Running Time: 91 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Fucking backwards redneck zombies from hell.
Sex? - Hell yeah!
Gore? - Kickass!

It's a survival horror film which features a group of strangers fighting for their lives in this, guess where, in this trailer park. Let me enumerate some of the fruitiest gore this movie has to offer so we can all move on to better pursuits. Please find time to masturbate.

1. There's this cute scene where a drug addict gets so totally high that she was laughing as her arm was being severed. Her trip goes down, and then she was disemboweled and further cannibalized by a 500-pound zombie.

2. There's this segment on the perfect beef jerky recipe, and they're letting this horndog get first picks. What makes it half-cool is they're cooking him alive, so he's basically eating parts of himself.

It's not all mindless gore though as there is a rather solid, however brief semblance of an actual tale behind the madness. That's becoming rare these days.

Momel's Rating: 3/4

Horror Movie Review #27: Feast 2

**Cute movie with a bad taste for morbid.

FEAST 2
Directed By: John Gulager
Release Date: June 27, 2008
Running Time: 97 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Catfucking freakbeasts.
Sex? - Most definitely: half naked biker chicks and horny wrestler midgets
Gore? - Prime!

You can say that for a continuing story, Feast II: Sloppy Seconds eats the droppings of its predecessor. It's good, but not as fantastic. See, this installation is just recklessly gory to a fault. It's so messy that there's not enough space for an actual story of its own. Sure, the survival horror theme is there like it was in the first feature, but its so relentless with the splatter that it loosens its grip on actual continuity.

It does pick up where Honey Pie left off, or to be more proper, deserted, but the storytelling's narrated in very specific particles to give way to the mind blowing splatter that Feast 2 has to offer. There's nothing scary about it, but in retrospect, the sub title does say Sloppy Seconds. There's this scene where this guy throws a baby in the air, as a decoy, because he's being chased by this mob of freak beasts. That's just sick. And by that, I mean unnecessary. I love it. Couple that with this totally ew regurgitate make out scene plus this gassy monster autopsy, and you have a hardcore challenge to your intestinal fortitude.

It's got a loose story, but the awesome kill scenes leave you sore for sloppier thirds.

Momel's Rating: 4/5

Update

My sidebar dropdowns now include all posts up to November 2008, so feel free to browse through them. And speaking of updates, I've scheduled four horror movie reviews to sexify my December posts all the more. Cheers!

Light Bulb Moments

**Notes from the old drawing board.


I think I want to be real messy come 2009. Think spontaneous human combustion. Think anorexia nervosa. Think wicked ocular trauma. But then again, in retrospect, another pointless change like what I have in mind will, in turn, require additional changes to complete the theme. I will have to change the layout, steal more appropriate images, maybe wrap it all up with a killer font or something. And then maybe a purple mascot shaped like a pear. But shit, I'm too lazy for all that glam.

This would have been my nth time redecorating, and frankly, just thinking about it makes me all too mighty tiresome alright.

Horror Movie Review #26: The Tattooist

**Here's something for you girls.

THE TATTOOIST
Directed By: Peter Burger (Directed TV episodes and series prior to The Tattooist. Noteworthy for NO scary films. That hasn't changed even after this film.)
Release Date: 24 June 2008
Running Time: 92 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Shamed evil spirits of native kick ass tattooists with a vengeance.
Sex? - One. Missionary. No boobs.
Gore? - One killer scene in this hospital where we saw this eye ball cracked vertically in two. Some "peeling."

Jason Behr has got the most formidable ass to ever bless any tattooed man on this here earth. That is the only thing to look out for in this movie, and it's somewhere during the first five minutes of this film. That didn't help. The eye candy that is his ass cheeks left this gay guy hard for more Jason Behr eye candy, and was severely disappointed on two counts: that scene was the prime shot in the film and remained king for the rest of the movie. And the movie sucked.

This means you best be thinking of something else with which to pass the tiring 80 minute roller coaster that follows. Or just google that lovely pair of man butt and do something else with the time you will probably be wasting on the film.

Here, allow me:

So I can't find a butt cheek image on Google. Looks like you might need to watch the film after all, at least for the first five minutes, if you're wet dreams need that much of Jason Behr.

Momel's Rating: 2/5

Universal Turkey Talk

Does it make it any less happy if the greetings were, like, four days late? How pointless, how universal, but let me go on ahead: Belated Happy Thanksgiving Day. I didn't get that, but it sounded appropriate, if not polite. I'm actually laughing at myself for saying that because the construction sounded dumb. And, by the same token, if any of you had birthdays I missed, then Belated Happy Birthday.

We don't do Thanksgiving here in the Philippines because, aside from the family we're born with and created for ourselves, there's nothing Filipino to be real thankful for. Hell, for all its worth, I should be thanking them Americans for the kinky call centering job that's been sustaining me rich all these years. Thank you America.

The closest we can get to festive poultry here in the third world is a cultural roasted treat that is Andok's. It's chicken ala rotisserie, and it's one of the best things your 220 pesos can occasion. Blah, look at me, I'm talking chicken, and I don't sound like I'm enjoying it. I'd rather talk about poultry that's common to all us hopelessly addicted smokers, so allow me.

The closest I got to going cold turkey were dead in the water promises that this last stick will be the last cigarette I'll be repairing to for comfort. Trouble is, I got too comfortable to the point that I began compromising; the last stick then became the last soft pack of Marlboro Lights. There's this one time I promised to go cold turkey on one particular New Year's Eve. I promised to abandon the habit next year, thinking that it's going to be in the next 24 hours anyway. I'm telling you, that resolution was so delayed, I said to myself I'm quitting the habit "this day next year." We're probably in the same boat with this short-lived bird hunt, that's you, my reader with nicotine stains, and my person, but unlike you, I didn't mind the withdrawal symptoms because I didn't have the resolve enough to experience actual withdrawal symptoms.

The second closest I got to going cold turkey were Google search results.

Can You Please Shut the Fuck Up If You're Not in This List?

**It's the sweet face of mercy.


This is what I've been waiting for all these time. A validation, at last, of the people that matter. Of course outside of the family you were born with and created for yourself, those people are now in a list. Everybody else who thinks the universe rotates around their own personal axis, are you reading this Kris Aquino?, can go suck a nut as we now have a comprehensive enumeration of the people whose work and accomplishments actually count for something. Something important and worthwhile that is. That means no, Boy Abunda, your Melodic Conversations bullshit album doesn't count. Shove it.

It's a 100-strong list, and guess what, you're probably not in it. The people in this enumeration go beyond humility, whereas the people who think they should be in this list, are you reading this Tim Yap?, are too busy social climbing to accomplish anything that matters at all. I like this list because it's the best measure of significance. It's an unpretentious reality check that tells us, tells me at least, what I need to do before I go on ahead with the delusional sashaying.

This list goes a long way, and that pretty much tells me to abandon what plans I have of assuming that "I'm a Page Rank 3 Blogger, so dammit, you WILL hear me roar." Say what? Say what the fuck? The people in this list causes my accomplishments to go limp in comparison. By a whole mile. A thousand. The distance between our accomplishments, curse me but I am making a point, that distance is all too grand it leaves no room for penis envy.

Is that snotty whats-her-face Yeng Constantino reading this? You have a friend who'd do well to read this? Click away, and join me with this new found appreciation for shutting the fuck up. See, it's so lonely being this humbled.

THE TIME 100: THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE OF THE CENTURY

I am soo adding this to my roll. And this next link too

HEROES AND KILLERS OF THE 20th CENTURY

Technical Support Story #5: Emails

**It's calls like this that makes technical support better than straight-to-hell telemarketing. Among other things, that is.

So this customer calls in saying that he has a problem with his email. He says he's experiencing a lot of latency with his incoming mails; the last time he received emails was like two days ago or something. And then he goes ahead and tells me this:

"I live in Texas, and most of my customers are from Texas. I understand if they're sending me emails from New York or California, that will take time. But they're just around the block, so why is it taking just as long?

Schedule Your Motherfucking Posts, You Goddamn Lazy-Ass Bloggers!

**This is a scheduled post. I wrote this post on 11/10/2008, and scheduled to have it detonate nine days later, on 11/19/2008. See, there are two other scheduled posts in between, and it's never been as convenient. Oh and the title's riddled with typos. Sorry about that. I mean, can you believe how the letters are spaced in this goddamn keyboard?

We are usually met with the dreaded writer's block that steals our thunder and rains on our parade. It's a storm with teeth. And there is hell to pay when it takes that first gnashing bite at your creative economy; you will be left freezing in its cruel torrents of mindless distraction. It will take time, days, weeks even for its unmerciful bouts to subside, and even that little mercy is barren of expectation. You shudder as you wait for the warm rays of inspiration to shine and pierce the receding storm clouds that is writer's block. And so I tell you this: read on, bitch, because I will show you how you can take advantage of those rare days when your creative cup will overfloweth.

There is a neat trick you can do with Blogger. It's called scheduling. And the idea here is to create as many coherent posts you can think of in one sitting, and then publish them separately at specified future dates. Underscore specified, encircle future dates; hell, it's a fucking subject verb agreement. You will be scheduling your posts like your bowel movement. Writers (and yes, that includes us bloggers) aren't always as inspired as they expect to be on account of the creative muse is a bitch who keeps her mobile phone off.

Here's how you conquer the "block," and as a consequence, how you can spare yourself the trouble of posting an excuse for not blogging.

1. Write a post.
2. Schedule your post.
3. And then wait. 4. And then wait some more.

Presenting the Google Define Function

**You are so going to love this.

If you're a blogger, and you're this excited to wow your readers with some highfalutin bullshit, and you don't know heads or tails of that big word in question, and you're too impatient to pull up M-W.com (Merriam Webster), then stop fretting. Your fetish for trying hard, uncharacteristic jargon is now as convenient as a happy meal. Everybody's favorite search engine, that's Google for those five people who are still using Yahoo Search, has this "define" feature which fetches definitions in a matter of nanoseconds. Or something just as fast.

Say for instance you need help with a big word, like, I dunno, PEDERAST.

1. Open the Google Search Bar. We're approaching 2009, so that's probably everywhere at this point.
2. Now, in the Google Search Bar, type in the word "define" followed by a colon. It's not case sensitive. The colon might be, though. And then you append (that means ATTACH) the big word in question. You may or may not add a space between the colon and the big word.3. Press Search, and it returns several web definitions for that term you've been meaning to use.Ohh, boy lover.

Beautiful in Their General Direction

**It's nice to have pretty friends.

I have this close acquaintance with a 14-year old dude who has the makings of a fabulous beauty queen. He prefers to be called Luisa, but his birth certificate refers to him as Luigi. He's taking female hormone pills this early on because apparently, you can never be too young to be beautiful. It's a fact best proven by his first accomplishment in his first beauty contest; he outranked fifteen veteran pageant contestants in a 25-strong beauty contest that had boobed transsexuals in the roster.

Its fucking outrageous, I tell you, unfair even that some bucky lastards get to have the elusive Gorgeous Gene. They're guaranteed a lifetime of worship, catcalls, beauty contest titles, and unsolicited free sex. And it gets no better than that, because there goes all the golden opportunities available to us gayfolk. In the third world, at least. Them in the unfashionable end of this spectrum live life anonymously as statistics in the all too de rigueur payroll. Because its the only way they can get laid.

I'm comfortably lodged in the precise middle of this spectrum where the margin of conceit is at it's most critical. See, I'm neither prettier or uglier than the next screaming fag out there, and that leaves very little room for the life threatening "I am beautiful, hear me roar" tantra. I'm afraid it's a comfort zone that's closest to home, and I'm not complaining or none. It's the inner Pageant Candidate in me that's crying foul.

Story of a Horse (A Rehash)

**This was one of my earlier favorites maybe because I learned to do thought bubbles in Adobe just to create an effect. Oh, to rehash means to present or use over, with no or few changes.

There was once this horse who died and went to that big green pasture in horse heaven. His name's Galloping Poser, and he was receiving judgment from the Guardian of the Pearly Fences. Here's what happened:

Loud and Booming Voice: Galloping Poser, we have been monitoring your activities, and you have been a very very wicked horse indeed. You have an ego that's more than enough for a village, you make fun of people more educated than you are, and you associate with good looking people because you're hoping that their cool will be transferred to you in one way or another. You use people, and that's not something characteristic of a god fearing horse.

Loud and Booming Voice: As punishment, you will be forced to be reborn as a human being. You will be living in the Philippines where you will be living a lifetime of bad acting. In ABS CBN.

Loud and Booming Voice: You will be sweating blood in your futile attempts at success, but your efforts shall all be in vain since we will not be giving you any talents worth noticing. None at all. What you can call redemption shall surface in the form of your onscreen love interest and your backup dancers, but you shall have nothing with which to shine on your lonesome. You will be devoid and bereft of any bankable skills. You will be a handicap, and you will be nothing without your onscreen love interest and your backup dancers. Save maybe for some skills in social climbing and faking and macho posturing, you will still be leading a hopeless career in Philippine showbusiness.

Loud and Booming Voice: You will break in to the entertainment industry not because of anything that's worth counting like your features maybe or your talents. Like I mentioned, you shall be stripped bare of these luxuries at birth. You will be galloping in a race, in a contest that seeks to discover badly dressed talents that will add to ABS CBN's circus of already badly dressed talents. You will win, but don't count that as good fortune. That is but part of this grand masterplan to wreck you. We will expose your shitty horseness to the heavily criticizing public.

Loud and Booming Voice: You will retain your features as a horse in a man's body, and your name will be Joross Gamboa.


This was a post dated May 2006. Click here to view the post with the comments.

From the Old Writing Board: Selling the Drama (July 2006)

**This is a hitherto unpublished post, and the title ought to clue you in on that one detail. I have this word file in the old computer where I write at random when unrestrained.

We are still together though. What you're about to read hasn't seen the light of a real confession, and I'm still hoping to conceal in real life what cruel infidelity I'm about to dispose of.

So here's what's been happening to me as of the late: I'm in a relationship right now. But my friends don't like him, they make it real clear that they don't like him, they raised hell just to make their point, and my friends now hate me for sticking with the guy.

He doesn't know it, but I already cheated on him twice with two of his friends.

I'm trying to sort things out, and I talked to him about calling it quits. I must have asked the wrong question, but it turns out we're still together. See, I'm knee deep in all this, but I'm still grateful that my offline friends have forgiven me for not being so visible these past few weekends.

A Question of Priorities

**Personally, this decision is like faking an orgasm. And that is just so biologically impossible or downright pointless for somebody with a penis.


Would you rather be looking for the man of your dreams or your G-spot?

I Would Never Write Something As Groundbreaking As This

**Tips for writers by Stephen Coonts. Enough said. Read on. Follow the link. Cheers.

Craft aside, to write successfully you must have something to write about. Every word you write is a distillation of everything you know about life, about how the world works, about how people think and feel, their motivations, their hopes, their dreams, and so on. How do you write a woman in love? Well, if you are not a woman, it would help a lot if you had known one or two who were desperately, hopelessly in love. To write successfully you must understand what it is to be human. Only then can you reduce the human experience to language and put it on paper. Our best writers drank deeply of life. I give you Mark Twain, Winston Churchill, Ernest Hemingway.

One of the common mistakes of aspiring writers is to write about themselves. Some do it to explore their inner emotions, others do so for the simple reason that they know themselves best. Regardless, writing about yourself is a literary dead-end, a place where readers do not care to go.

Write because it's fun, because you enjoy the creative process. If what you write ever gets published and you make a few bucks, that will be the icing on the cake.

These brief paragraphs speak so much. Read the complete rules in their entirety in this here link.

Because Good Times Call for Good Vibes

**I'm all apologies ala Kurt Cobain. All I need now is a cokehead wife, a downward spiral thanks to drug addiction, and a good reason to commit suicide.

I'd like to apologize to those people I've... punctured with what foolish headstrong writing I've engineered all these years. No, I'm not pulling your leg; I'm being nice for a change.

1. My sister, half sister but family all the same. It was a wrong idea in the wrong blog. I should never have written anything about your wedding when I knew full well that my writing will not amount to anything sweet or kind or anything even remotely approaching warm. I'm corrosive and passive and wickedly deadpan. I shouldn't have been too vocal, let alone in character, with such a tender celebration. The consequence, understandably, was a whole lot of rot. And I'm sorry about that.


2. I am terribly apologetic to you who just recently came out of hiding, smelling of mothballs from that cramped closet you've been holing in these past few years. It took you twenty something years to finally come to terms with your preferred sexual orientation, and I was relentless with my assault on your admission. I could've been a little careful, and I'm sorry if I wasn't. A little surgical precision and restraint could've worked wonders with that post, but I went ahead and bestowed upon you that same ruthless conduct I observed with my sister's wedding. Remember how I confessed to you that I wrote that post for your secret coming out party? And how I asked you if I offended you at all? No, I'm not trying to measure the extremes of my misconduct. I was being a person offline because I knew I can't even come close to faking sympathy online. Again, I'm sorry. And for what it's worth, you can count on me to be generous with the compassion that was never in any of my posts. Yes, it is possible, but it's not going to happen here. We still have all those twenty something years of friendship to back us up, and I'll make that count.

3. I apologize to what little readership I have left. I'm sorry for saturating your horny reading pleasure with irrelevant reviews on gambling sites. I solemnly swear I was up to no good when I started reviewing for a quick buck, and I was mindless of the consequences it delivered in the long run. WAS means I learned from all that uncharacteristic greed, but I don't see the point in trying to redeem myself when I'm left with but a few of the girls to keep this blog rolling. Okay, so they're not real girls per se, but thanks all the same for keeping me company.

Thanks Bry, Lexan, and Pat.

4. I'd like to apologize to Rihanna for bastardizing your song Umbrella. I was never tasteless enough to cash in on a good song with a cheap rendition; I didn't do it. But seeing as how I'm living in the same third world nation with these same fools, I'm bringing it on myself to step up and say sorry in their behalf.

5. Four's a good healthy enough number.

Related Posts:
For My Sister
Coming Out of the Closet
I Apologize for the SR's Part 1
I Apologize for the SR's Part 2
Rihanna

Change is Good

**Here's a sneaky, sleazy, cheat of a shot at redemption.


Think of it this way: I'm remodeling without the wallpaper.

Horror Movie Review #25: The Wicker Man

**Powerhouse blah.

THE WICKER MAN
Directed By: Neil LaBute
Release Date: 1 September 2006
Running Time: 102 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Umm, cults?
Sex? - Zero.
Gore? - Zero.

Nicolas Cage plays this detective Edward Malus who investigates the disappearance of his estranged daughter Rowan. Police work takes him to SummersIsle, a veritable venus flytrap of an island whose predominantly girl powered population conceals this hard core, paganistic, mother goddess worshipping cult. These tree hugging feminists hold this sacrificial ritual where, in a series of well engineered deceptions, they succeeded in maneuvering Nicolas Cage, to his horror and against his will, as an unwilling sacrifice that screams so much like a girl. He becomes this offerring to burn along and within this effigy made of, and who would've guessed, made of wick.

It's got no sex, no gore, and no ass kicking monster freaks, but its got Nicolas Cage, Kathy Bates, and Leelee Sobieski. Its a singularly capital roster that delivers this movie from utter neglect. This quasi powerhouse cast does well to complement a tired storyline and the moderately surprising twist in the end. Of course, you must understand that this will not work well in an otherwise low budget production.


Momel's Rating: 3/5

My Page Rank Went Down One Point.

I usually didn't feel this strongly about such truck as rank, but I've been so obsessed with the decoration since the virtual handshake. I went down one Page Rank, from a PR of 3 down to 2. I may have an idea as to how this happened, but should I care?

Hell yeah.

I'm thinking this was due to the saturation of sponsored reviews. Sigh. I'd like to write more about this issue, but I'm doing this while incensed with that much grief and regret. Funny how the one thing that I'm trying to increase my Page Rank for is the same maligning germ which pulled it down.

I'm Doing Sponsored Reviews Now and I'm Sorry. Part Two

**What's with me and the excessive apologies?

I know most of my paid reviews are irrelevant to my content. I'm so used to doing online gambling sites that i can do it in my sleep. And I'm a light sleeper, so that's saying a whole hell of plenty. But then, I do take the time to visit their site and know firsthand what I'm reviewing. I personally wouldn't pay $25 for a 200-word review for a set of three paragraphs thats nothing more than an incoherent mess of flowery adjectives I can easily write myself.

Did I say most? You know how its like when some guilty kid admits to being a dick, and he makes it clear he's just flaccid?

For now, I'm trying to make this blog look super fierce enough to be able to attract products that I'm very partial to. For the time being, I'll continue writing quality reviews more for the practice, and then for the content, and then for the cash. The fact that I'm now getting something concrete for my writing's a welcome validation, and I'm grateful for that one detail the most.

I'm not trying to sound grand because I'm getting a little something extra for my writing. Understand, this humble blog of bull is way sexier than that. I'm still keeping it real; the Pay Pal account's more like my feather boa.

Say Hello to Part One. Click Here!
I got the idea for this post from this review by Gray Wolf's SEO Blog

I'm Doing Sponsored Reviews Now and I'm Sorry

**I wanted to say that I too have a confession to make, but you guys probably have noticed my endorsements too much, it would've defeated the point.

I have a confession to make. And, like a heart attack, its final. Yes, I AM doing paid reviews, and let me say it now in case this turned you guys off: I'm sorry.

I started blogging to come to terms with my appendectomy, and then to harvest comments, and then to increase my readership. I was down and tight with this prop-less simplicity, and the blog hopping, and the link exchanges, and the way my blog cross dressed from one template to another. This went on good for about three years, and then my readers diversified to... various disciplines.

I exchanged links with other bloggers who are beginning to monetize. One thing led to another, and I was introduced to such terms as "monetizing" and "page rank." I then knew what my page rank was, and what its for. And how I'm probably saying goodbye to it now with this admission. By and by, I became eligible for doing paid reviews. The opportunity presented itself, and I had fantastic contacts which made it possible. My first review ran for $25, and how it worked was that I get 65% of the bid.

I earned $16.25 on my first 200-word endorsement.

The reason why I'm telling you this was because I never planned to earn from my blog in the first place. Let me be like an aimless young adult and her unplanned pregnancy with my excuse: it just happened. See, I was drunk with the idea of becoming a paid blogger for real, I was and I am, but that had its consequences. I'll talk about that soon.

Understand that I'm not washing my hands off with this admission. No, this isn't some first step to healing an addiction that wasn't there to begin with. It was never, and will never mutate to such proportions. I just want to let it all out and tell you that I'm doing reviews because I can and I want to. I'm sorry if this turned you off. No excuses.

If its any consolation, I am trying to make up with my output. See, there's this cap of three posts to one sponsored review. This means that you can't saturate your blog with too many sponsored posts on account of some very obvious reasons. Personally, this quota prevents me from going hardcore, and I'm real tight with that. Yes, I am sexy. But I'm not moving to porn.

And speaking of porn, there was this one time I was commissioned to do a porn review. But that's a little too anal for my writing ethics. So I didn't. Here's a picture of me in that situation.

Horror Movie Review #24: Thinner

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

All Hail Them Creeps!

**No, this is not a sponsored review. I love this site so much, I can make love to it. Twice.

Night of the Creeps

This is, by far and by a mile, hell, by a far mile, hands down the funniest horror movie review site ever. I've been an avid follower of this here pot of funny since early 2000, and I've been devout ever since. And thats easily understandable; it's a barrel of laughs from end to end, review to review, and at the same time, we are treated to an unlikely wealth of information that targets a very specific audience. And that's them horror movie enthusiasts like my person.

Truth is, they, gay word alert, inspired me to do movie reviews. And I am using their format with the movie details that precede the actual review proper because that was how I was introduced to the practice. Them "seven retarded bastards from shaolin" are comedic geniuses in their own right. And can you please click on their link now because I've reached my ass kissing quota, and I'm running out of compliments.

And here's a quick list on why you should be reading Night of the Creeps (NOTC):

1. They have Hitler's Brain doing the FAQ. Seriously. From a jar.

From the confines of his sin-stained mechanical womb, Hitler's Brain has agreed to host the infamous NIGHT OF THE CREEPS' F.A.Q. Of course, this is after we threatened to push his jar off the counter and breakdance on his cerebrum... but nonetheless: he is our mind slave now.

2. They're a gnarly combination of funny and sensible:

Q: "So where in the hell are all the 'classic' horror flicks like the "NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREETs", "HALLOWEENs", Or "EVIL DEADs" on your page? I thought you retards were supposed to be authorities on horror!"

A: "Actually, we're the authorities on TV/VCR repair. Still, if we had a dollar for every time some little snot-nosed faggot sent us this same question in through our mailbox... we could go over to Piggly Wiggly, buy a fat ass box of CRUNCH 'N' MUNCH, and still have enough money left over to buy a pack of Jesus Trading Pogs at La Tienda Mexicana. A lot of people seem to think that we haven't heard of (let alone seen) such classics like Sam Raimi's excellent EVIL DEAD trilogy, BAD TASTE or DEAD ALIVE, or all of the HALLOWEEN movies just because they don't show up on our FLICK LIST. The truth is, these movies are excellent classics that have been seen by just about everyone in the horror community- including all of us. We could easily sit down and do full length reviews for every single EVIL DEAD & FRIDAY THE 13th movie in existence... but come on- if you haven't heard of these flicks by now you've either been living in Aquaman's Underwater Butt Nest for the last 10 years or need to quit your sexy job. The fact is, there are probably a thousand other sites that have full length reviews of these venerable classics, and we just don't feel that these films require monster entries on our Flick List. Instead, we feel that these films deserve special attention on our HALL OF FAME section, where an individual Creep will pay homage to a particular franchise or classic film in grand style."

3. The site's easy to navigate. Check the sidebar.

4. The reviewers have retard names like Eagle Te (depicted as a white haired kung fu master), El Santo (The Mexican Wrestling Zombie Killer), Z Man (Ape Leader who aims to submit us humans to countless horror movies, and General Zod (recruited by Z Man). They have such names and personalities to match, so that's a big plus.

5. They have a traffic rank of 22, 249 (Alexa.com). That is so boss. And did I mention they're funny? If I did, let say it again.

Dream Sequences Suck

**I think they do. Big time.

1. Dream sequences are the third cheapest filler bested only by
a. excessive banter that does nothing to the story
b. gratuitous sex that does nothing to the story

2. Nightmare in Elm Street is different. It's all about dream sequences, revolves around a dream killer, and that's a very perfect excuse

3. Dream sequences mislead. Nothing sucks better than when a scene that supposedly kills off the dipshit main character. It then fades into a continuing scene where the same dipshit main character wakes up with a terrible fit of bad acting. And lives for some twenty minutes more. During which he makes us suffer with terrible fits of bad acting.

4. Dream sequences are usually more fun than the real thing because they make us believe, for a brief instant, that some stupid supporting actor dies in a very cleverly engineered kill sequence. But they don't, and we suffer the same unimportant bad acting for another 20 minutes only to have them die dumb. Dream sequences are the ultimate kill joy in that respect.

5. The only thing that sucks a bigger dick than dream sequences are dream sequences within dream sequences. It's all of the above multiplied by the nth power of the actual value of pi. Which is totally nonterminating suckiness if you ask me.

Horror Movie Review #23: Teeth

**You guys will so love this. You might probably have a hard on too. I know my friend did.

TEETH
Directed By: Adam Marcus
Release Date: 19 January 2007
Running Time: 94 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Carnivore cunt with teeth.
Sex? - Carnivore cunt with teeth.
Gore? - Penile dismemberment.

I enjoyed the cheap effectivity of this uncanny sex kitten of a horror movie. In a (nutsac) nutshell, its this hilariously horny parade of penile dismemberment that revolves around Dawn and her toothed vagina. She's about as cute as she is frigid, and yes, you read that right. Teeth. Vagina. Same anatomical package. See, Dawn's afflicted with the curse of the Vagina Dentata: it's this carnivorous monster cunt that can only be conquered by the chosen one... And it is with so much laborious effort that I'm controlling this snickering urge to laugh out loud because I am so fucking not kidding you. This is really what's happening in this movie, and this is why I liked it so much.

It's not a family movie, it cannot be a family movie, and it shreds the concept of family values to very indistinguishable particles. See, this movie climaxes in this tensely incestuous scene where our heroine extracts her revenge on her clueless fuck of a punk stepbrother. And this is through the only method she's properly equipped for.

Vagina Dentata. It's a curiosly capital concept which allows softporn to poorly transition into a horror film. I gave it a 4/5 for the comic relief. And all other physical "reliefs" you can think of.

Momel's Rating: 4/5

My EX Is A Porn Star! Chat Transcript

**This is a long transcript. Read only if you have time. Enjoy!


[05:00] stranger7XXX: idolo!!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: long time
[05:02] greater_cynic: AY!
[05:02] greater_cynic: is that you?
[05:02] greater_cynic: idol!
[05:02] greater_cynic: musta?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: eto buhay pa rin, ano balita?
[05:02] greater_cynic: hay nakoh!
[05:02] greater_cynic: kahapon
[05:02] greater_cynic: sobra
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ano kahapon?
[05:02] greater_cynic: have you ever been confined in a room with somebody for almost seventeen hours?
[05:02] greater_cynic: sobra
[05:00] stranger7XXX: tagal naman non!!!
[05:02] greater_cynic: let's say it's your room naman, pero it's with your fubu
[05:02] greater_cynic: harsh!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: buti buhay ka pa
[05:02] greater_cynic: oo, nakakabuhay yung roleplaying
[05:00] stranger7XXX: surgeon & patient ba?
[05:02] greater_cynic: nope!
[05:02] greater_cynic: director and character-actor
[05:02] greater_cynic: tapos naka-21 takes kami sa isang kissing scene
[05:00] stranger7XXX: uy type yan
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HAAAA, sobra
[05:00] stranger7XXX: eh di namaga mga nguso nyo
[05:02] greater_cynic: di naman
[05:02] greater_cynic: okay lang, soft lips
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ah ok
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero alam mo, it was one of those things na you NEED to make kuwento
[05:02] greater_cynic: yun bang kuwentong kuwento ka na after the event
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero it's not kiss and telling naman diba?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: who cares, basta masayang ikwento eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: sabagay
[05:02] greater_cynic: oo nga!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: naku, may kwento ako sayo, super crazy studd
[05:00] stranger7XXX: stuff*
[05:02] greater_cynic: pano?
[05:02] greater_cynic: gaano ka-crazy itu?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: probably in my top 3 stories to tell to everyone
[05:02] greater_cynic: hala!
[05:02] greater_cynic: type na!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ok, sa L.A., i dated this pinay girl...
[05:00] stranger7XXX: teka, display ko pic namin --> LINK DELETED
[05:00] stranger7XXX: para mas emote
[05:02] greater_cynic: okay, pero ibang chat program ito ha , so tingnan natin kung lalabas
[05:02] greater_cynic: meebo
[05:02] greater_cynic: yun
[05:00] stranger7XXX: kita ba? -->> LINK DELETED
[05:02] greater_cynic: di eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: LINK!
[05:02] greater_cynic: url! naintriga naman ako
[05:00] stranger7XXX: teka, upload ko sa photobucket
[05:00] stranger7XXX: this is worth it
[05:00] stranger7XXX: wait ka lang
[05:02] greater_cynic: what is it about ba?
[05:02] greater_cynic: para may idea ako
[05:00] stranger7XXX: parang nga...basta wag muna spoiler
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah okay
[05:02] greater_cynic: tagal!
[05:02] greater_cynic: <-- na excite
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hahaha
[05:00] stranger7XXX: teka mahaba proseso eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: keri lang
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ok, eto pic namin last November (LINK DELETED)
[05:02] greater_cynic: wow! killer
[05:00] stranger7XXX: dating kami nyan, hindi serious...fucking and hanging out lang, ganon
[05:02] greater_cynic: so this was november last year
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero Oct. '05 hindi na kami nag-date nyan
[05:00] stranger7XXX: oo
[05:02] greater_cynic: nice rack ha
[05:00] stranger7XXX: tapos, one night, 2 weeks ago....
[05:02] greater_cynic: o...
[05:02] greater_cynic: what happened two weeks ago?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: nag-a-update ako ng pornblog ko, naghahanap ako ng asian video na ipo-post ko, at lintek nag-pop-up ang (LINK DELETED) AT BUMULAGA SA HARAP KO ANG PICTURE NYA!!! NANDUN SYA, TOP OF THE PAGE!!!!!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: isn't that crazy or what?!?!?
[05:02] greater_cynic: wow
[05:00] stranger7XXX: putang inang ex ko, PORN STAR NA!!!
[05:02] greater_cynic: so you were banging a pornstar and you never had an idea
[05:02] greater_cynic: two thumbs up
[05:00] stranger7XXX: no, bago lang porn star yan, she became a pornstar after kami
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah
[05:02] greater_cynic: kahit na, two thumbs up pa rin
[05:02] greater_cynic: so, were you proud or something?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: nag-research nako, so far 2 movies na ginawa nya
[05:00] stranger7XXX: mixed emotions eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero ano mas lamang
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero good thing na hindi kami serious, kung serious eh walang pride akong mararamdaman non
[05:02] greater_cynic: pride? regret (kasi nag split kayo)
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pride
[05:00] stranger7XXX: regret, definitely not
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah, no pride kung naging serious kayo?
[05:02] greater_cynic: sabagay
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero may mixed na awa, at disappointment...
[05:00] stranger7XXX: kasi alam ko life story nya, and lately super gipit sila financially
[05:02] greater_cynic: hala, I wasn't thinking of awa and disappointment
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero now that you mentioned it
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah
[05:00] stranger7XXX: yun ang nagtulak sa kanya, gipit eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: filipina siya?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: i have both her full videos na
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hehe
[05:00] stranger7XXX: yeah, pinay
[05:02] greater_cynic: AYAN
[05:02] greater_cynic: so question
[05:02] greater_cynic: do you jerk off to your ex gf?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero grabe, 2nd video nya "Black InvAsian 2" ang title
[05:00] stranger7XXX: so u know what that means
[05:02] greater_cynic: yup
[05:00] stranger7XXX: actually, oo
[05:02] greater_cynic: that's going to be wide
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero it was weird
[05:02] greater_cynic: HALA
[05:02] greater_cynic: ANTULIS MO!!!
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[05:02] greater_cynic: like, how weird?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: tagal kong hindi makapinawala eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero oo nga noh, kung iisipin mo
[05:02] greater_cynic: (like I would know)
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero yeah, it might be. HOW WEIRD ba?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: weird kasi imagine watching the girl i used to fuck all the time, is being fucked by some other dudes
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah
[05:00] stranger7XXX: tapos ungol, sigaw nya, moves nya, brought back the memories...parehong pareho eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero what makes it weirder is you're jacking off to the whole situation
[05:02] greater_cynic: WEIRD!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: kaya that night i discovered it, tinawagan ko sya
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero yeah, I think I might have an IDEA, pero nothing beats your story talaga
[05:02] greater_cynic: and what happened
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hindi ko pa inaamin
[05:00] stranger7XXX: sabi ko lang punta sya dito
[05:02] greater_cynic: and then
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pupunta naman, June daw
[05:00] stranger7XXX: at gagawa kami ng porn
[05:02] greater_cynic: do you think she knows na you know she's doing porn?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: gagawin ko talaga
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero she knows you have a porn blog?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: i don't think she knows
[05:00] stranger7XXX: wala akong binibigay na hint
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hindi rin nya alam na may pornblog ako
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah
[05:02] greater_cynic: so clean and wholesome ang image mo sa kanya
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pagdating na lang nya dito,sabihin ko, "Let's watch a movie". tapos ipe-play ko ang porn nya
[05:02] greater_cynic:
[05:00] stranger7XXX: da best yon
[05:02] greater_cynic: gagawin mo nga?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: yeah
[05:02] greater_cynic: di nga?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: oo nga
[05:02] greater_cynic: weh?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: kung pupunta sya
[05:02] greater_cynic: eh pano kung ibang reaction ang makita mo sa kanya
[05:00] stranger7XXX: shyet, i can't wait to see how she'd react
[05:02] greater_cynic: like shock maybe or
[05:00] stranger7XXX: yun nga eh, hindi ko alam
[05:00] stranger7XXX: bahala na, basta
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero one thing's for sure, hindi sya magagalit
[05:02] greater_cynic: keep the fingers crossed
[05:00] stranger7XXX: bakit sya magagalit?
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero you two had something going on diba
[05:00] stranger7XXX: oo
[05:02] greater_cynic: and it's not like she really wanted to become a pornstar in the first place
[05:00] stranger7XXX: oo nga
[05:00] stranger7XXX: well....
[05:02] greater_cynic: so pwede siyang magalit?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: noon pa pangarap na nya maging artista
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HA HAAAAAAAAA
[05:00] stranger7XXX: i guess natupad na pangarap nya
[05:02] greater_cynic: and you're the number one fan
[05:02] greater_cynic: waiting for an autograph ba
[05:00] stranger7XXX: korek, and soon, magiging "co-star" na nya )
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pwede!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: crazy diba?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: wild
[05:02] greater_cynic: sinabi mo pa
[05:02] greater_cynic: mas magiging crazy siguro pag nagkita na kayo ulit noh?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: i tell my story to everybody )
[05:00] stranger7XXX: with props
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pinapapunta ko dito sa bahay at pakita ang pics at videos
[05:02] greater_cynic: wow
[05:00] stranger7XXX: panget pag story lang eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: eh pano kung tinanong niya "Why are you showing me all this?"
[05:02] greater_cynic: pano na ang segue mo niyan ha idol
[05:00] stranger7XXX: "because I think this is very hott"
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pwede?
[05:02] greater_cynic: harsh!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: eh pano
[05:00] stranger7XXX: game yon eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: kasi if I was the girl noh, I'd think na you wanted us to meet to catch up on things or something
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ah ok
[05:02] greater_cynic: knowing na you two used to be a couple diba
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero shempre, we won't know pa rin
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero i HAVE TO show her the video!!!
[05:02] greater_cynic: MANYAK!
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HA HAAAAAA
[05:00] stranger7XXX: tapos nakabukas lang yung zipper ko, nakalabas na yung etits ko
[05:02] greater_cynic:
[05:00] stranger7XXX: "o kumusta na?" nakalabas yung etits
[05:02] greater_cynic: eh pano kung sinampal niya yung butotoy mo?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero i know, success to
[05:00] stranger7XXX: i know her
[05:02] greater_cynic: you feel it in your fingers?
[05:02] greater_cynic: you feel it in your soul?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: she'll give it to me good
[05:02] greater_cynic: kumanta ba?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: gusto mo download ang video nya?
[05:02] greater_cynic: nye, I don't like porn.
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ok
[05:02] greater_cynic: porn is bad
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HAH AAAA
[05:02] greater_cynic: straight porn is bad
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HAAAAA
[05:00] stranger7XXX: :-j
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero pretty siya ha
[05:00] stranger7XXX: roommate ko nga, gigil na gigil na
[05:00] stranger7XXX: yeah maganda sya
[05:02] greater_cynic: siguro she looks prettier this time kasi she's all glammed up na and everything noh?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: mas maganda sya with black hair
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah
[05:00] stranger7XXX: dun sa site makikita mo
[05:00] stranger7XXX: kaya lang (LINE DELETED)
[05:00] stranger7XXX: teka...
[05:02] greater_cynic: nako, baka mas mahirapan kang mag-muscle control niyan pag sobrang laki ng ginanda niya
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ay, hindi mo nga pala kita ang avatar
[05:02] greater_cynic: oo nga
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hindi naman malaki pagbabago
[05:02] greater_cynic: malay mo she has this newer appeal to her
[05:02] greater_cynic: more exciting, sexciting ika nga
[05:00] stranger7XXX: siguro nga
[05:00] stranger7XXX: "celebrity" aura nya
[05:02] greater_cynic: yeah
[05:00] stranger7XXX: naku can't wait talaga
[05:02] greater_cynic: sex appeal off the roof
[05:02] greater_cynic: kailan ulit kayo meet?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: punta sya mid-June daw
[05:02] greater_cynic: in two to three weeks na pala
[05:00] stranger7XXX: onga
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ....ikaw....
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ano yung role-playing story mo ha?!?!?
[05:02] greater_cynic: okay
[05:00] stranger7XXX: bago ba yan?
[05:02] greater_cynic: I was the character-actor
[05:02] greater_cynic: he was the director
[05:02] greater_cynic: and it was a kissing scene
[05:00] stranger7XXX: yung director hinalikan ang actor?
[05:02] greater_cynic: so ganito, I was supposed to be asleep, he's going to make me gapang, he's going to rape me, and I'd kiss back
[05:00] stranger7XXX: haha
[05:02] greater_cynic: ewan, I feel uncomfortable telling this to a straight guy
[05:00] stranger7XXX: eh hindi rape yon
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HAAAA
[05:02] greater_cynic: "Lights Camera Action" and everything, scripts and props and all that good jazz
[05:00] stranger7XXX: dayyyymmm
[05:00] stranger7XXX: huge production ba?
[05:02] greater_cynic: sa kuwarto ko yun eh, we sort of improvised
[05:00] stranger7XXX: let me guess...u just met this guy?
[05:02] greater_cynic: nope
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ay mali
[05:02] greater_cynic: for less than a month na
[05:02] greater_cynic: he brings out the kinky in me
[05:00] stranger7XXX: let than a month?
[05:02] greater_cynic: (AMPANGET! HA HA HAAAAA)
[05:02] greater_cynic: make that a month
[05:00] stranger7XXX: eh bago nga lang
[05:00] stranger7XXX: sus naman to
[05:00] stranger7XXX: panget sya?
[05:02] greater_cynic: nope
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ah yung sinabi mo
[05:02] greater_cynic: I'm sure naman na you won't kiss ugly if you can help it davah?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: korek
[05:02] greater_cynic: and alam mo, sa kanya ko unang mag-try ng props
[05:02] greater_cynic: like syrup and edible stuff
[05:00] stranger7XXX: props = toys?
[05:02] greater_cynic: nope, edibles pa muna
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hanep
[05:00] stranger7XXX: malagkit yon
[05:02] greater_cynic: yeah, sobra
[05:02] greater_cynic: I never had that much syrup and spit on me before
[05:02] greater_cynic: kaya I'm not trying that again
[05:00] stranger7XXX: nadala na ba
[05:00] stranger7XXX: next time, fruits na lang
[05:02] greater_cynic: di naman, the sensation was excellent, pero medio unhygienic.
[05:02] greater_cynic: fruits
[05:02] greater_cynic: how much fruit can penetrate a guy diba? GROSS!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hahaha
[05:00] stranger7XXX: upo
[05:00] stranger7XXX: patola
[05:00] stranger7XXX: langka
[05:02] greater_cynic: harsh!
[05:02] greater_cynic: langka, naalala ko tuloy yung joke with Saddam Hussein in hell
[05:00] stranger7XXX: oo nga
[05:02] greater_cynic: IDOL, kain lang
[05:00] stranger7XXX: sige
[05:00] stranger7XXX: log off nako
[05:02] greater_cynic: okay
[05:02] greater_cynic: save ko itong chat session ha
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hahah
[05:02] greater_cynic: for future reference
[05:00] stranger7XXX: sige