Ohhhh, So That Explains Things

There was once this horse who died and went to that big green pasture in horse heaven. His name's Galloping Poser, and he was receiving judgment from the Guardian of the Pearly Fences. Here's what happened:

Loud and Booming Voice: Galloping Poser, we have been monitoring your activities, and you have been a very very wicked horse indeed. You have an ego that's more than enough for a village, you make fun of people more educated than you are, and you associate with good looking people because you're hoping that their cool will be transferred to you in one way or another. You use people, and that's not something characteristic of a god fearing horse.

Loud and Booming Voice: As punishment, you will be forced to be reborn as a human being. You will be living in the Philippines where you will be living a lifetime of bad acting. In ABS CBN.

Loud and Booming Voice: You will be sweating blood in your futile attempts at success, but your efforts shall all be in vain since we will not be giving you any talents worth noticing. None at all. What you can call redemption shall surface in the form of your onscreen love interest and your backup dancers, but you shall have nothing with which to shine on your lonesome. You will be devoid and bereft of any bankable skills. You will be a handicap, and you will be nothing without your onscreen love interest and your backup dancers. Save maybe for some skills in social climbing and faking and macho posturing, you will still be leading a hopeless career in Philippine showbusiness.

Loud and Booming Voice: You will break in to the entertainment industry not because of anything that's worth counting like your features maybe or your talents. Like I mentioned, you shall be stripped bare of these luxuries at birth. You will be galloping in a race, in a contest that seeks to discover badly dressed talents that will add to ABS CBN's circus of already badly dressed talents. You will win, but don't count that as good fortune. That is but part of this grand masterplan to wreck you. We will expose your shitty horseness to the heavily criticizing public.

Loud and Booming Voice: You will retain your features as a horse in a man's body, and your name will be Joross Gamboa.