Blog Soup #5: Fuck Buddies, Blog Rule #11, Strawberry Syrup, and the Good News About Blowjobs

Kids, today's soup is served with a healthy serving of bitterness.

I've always been the third party in the last few, uhm, flings I've participated in. I strongly recommend against calling them relationships because, first, fuck buddies don't exactly qualify as lovers. And second, home breaking has never been powerfully inclined to be a God fearing habit. So there.

It's been that way in these last two years. Yup, two relationships in three years. It's either I'm a very loyal lover, or I take a long time to recuperate since I bleed well and all that. I'm thinking it's more of the... nah, it's going to be a mighty bitter soup. But I'll tell you this much, my songs back then were rotating either on Stevie Wonder's Part Time Lover or Juice Newton's Angel of the Morning.

And yeah, cheating on your fuck buddy doesn't necessarily mean infidelity. It doesn't qualify as a relationship in the first place anyway.

I almost forgot to mention this in my Blog Rules, it was more like I did, but Rule #11 goes like: Never blog about your work specifics. Or at least never bitch against management in your blog. There was this guy who worked for Google. And he got fired because of his blog.

This is the story.
And this is what happened.

You don't want to lose your bread and butter over some blog, right? And then there's the story, more like a blog post, of this one Microsoft employee who took pictures of Mac computers being delivered to his office. Imagine that. You remember Britney Spears back when she was still a spokesperson for Pepsi and got fired for drinking Coke? It's the same drill. No, no, no, I said drinking Coke. Not snorting coke. That's Kate Moss. Well anyway, this Microsoft guy got fired for it.

The Microsoft Guy
Britney Spears and Coca Cola
Kate Moss and coke

And with kinky sex, yes, strawberry syrup goes a long way. Yeah, and the punchlines, oh all those punchlines you can manufacture when you've nothing on but strawberry syrup and spit. Har, I'm telling you, I don't usually kiss and tell, or make out and tell, or do the kinky and tell, but there was this one time. No, I don't feel squeamish. I feel funny, real funny as I'm recalling that one line when I cracked up something and totally ruined the freaky of that sweet moment. I'm actually grinning as I'm writing this. And I'm not going to tell. I just want to, uhm, be real kinky and put ideas in your head.

To spit, or not to spit? That is the question. Ladies and gentlemen and ball sniffers all, here's another testimonial to the things you learn everyday. They might not exactly be useful, but then again:



And then I learned the other day that it's not mighty advisable to swallow since sperm tends to stick to the throat and cause problems. Do you remember those expectorant commercials with the balled out chewing gum (phlegm) sticking to this glass container (the lungs)? Yeah, but this time, think of the gum as the, you know, the man juice and the glass container as the throat. And they're not making anything yet to dissolve that.

I Hope My Prince Charming Blog Hops

I got this from Carl's blog.

Instructions:

1. The tagged victim has to come up with 8 different descriptions of their perfect lover.

2. He/she needs to mention the sex/gender of their perfect lover.

3. He/she must tag 8 more people to join this game and leave a comment on their respective sites anouncing that they've been tagged.

4. If tagged a second time, there's no need to post again.

And here goes!

Gender: I want them gay males on account of straight men don't exactly enjoy THE sex as much as we do. I want the whole experience to be totally mutual and reciprocal and all that creamy goodness you don't see in an Oreo cookie. Yes, I'm a horny bitch.

And the following are eight little characteristics you will never find in one single gay male at the same time. In another gay male, I mean. You have a pen?

1. Cute, but not THAT cute. I love beauty in all it's different masturbatory appearances, but I also hate competition just the same. Defining cute and not referring to Google: as tall as or taller than I am (I'm about 5'9 at the very least, so he should be just as vertical), slim like a freaking Capri, and smiles like he just got laid.

2. Plays good pool. I'll totally stalk him if he can beat me without batting an eyelash (yes) in an hour's worth of nine ball pool. We should be able to perspire to and enjoy one thing that doesn't involve any form of penetration.

3. Has an actual sense of humor. If he can't make me laugh, then at least he should be able to laugh with me. See, I've learned that laughter makes for the best ice breaker, and that makes it easier to get on with the next item in the relationship agenda. And yeah, that also means he should be anti-climactic enough to laugh when I crack a joke in the middle of a passionate make-out session.

4. He should let me bum his cigarettes. What that means is a. he smokes b. he's generous c. he's willing to share a room in the Lung Center.

5. He should give me time to play pool and hang out with my friends. I've been causing balls to go in holes since 2000. I've been with my better friends since childhood, so he should understand the hierarchy. Or he can go suck my nuts.

6. He should like to be gross. Or at least shut his piehole and respect my inclination towards such genres. Let me rephrase that, he should like totally revolting films and media and entertainment since I'm such a total pervert. And he's going to go out with a pervert and the inner freak that goes with his gay goodness. Nope, my dictionary of revoltingly gross entertainment does not include Joross Gamboa, most of the people in ASAP, Vhong Navarro movies, and pencil cut pants. These belong to a very very different level of gross. It's the gross that makes you do the sign of the cross.

7. Educated. Or at least have the good timing and proper etiquette to point hard and laugh loud. I'm not kidding.

8. He should adore me and treat me like a god and pedestalize my enlarged, uhm, face pics on an altar racked with myrrh, frankincense and gold, and he should pray the angelus for me plus the three o clock prayer, and he should fast in my name, and quote my blog, and sing and dance in the goodness of his heart because he loves me like sliced bread. Just be loyal, for crying out loud. That's all I'm asking for. Really.

And I'm tagging the following bloggers. Brew and Tanya, Carl tagged you already, so I'm not tagging you anymore, okay? Have fun!

Tagging MALE bloggers:
1. Bryan
2. Erik
3. IE
4. Alex
5. Krislan
6. Jhed
7. Lexan
8. Rob

Tagging FEMALE bloggers:
1. Pepay
2. Rosie
3. Lojika
4. Devilicious
5. Patricia
6. Ira
7. Stellar
8. Laitera

In Canada: Filipino Table Etiquette Punished at Local School: Lunch Monitor Tells Student His Eating Habits are ‘Disgusting.’

Yeah, we might have heard or read of this in one page or another, but here are the links anyway:

From the West Island Chronicle
From iBalita Forums
From Yehey.com
and the Google search results

In a nutshell, he's this Filipino kid who eats with a spoon and fork. The Canadian lunch monitor from this certain school in Quebec tells him that his eating habits are disgusting. He goes on to repeatedly harass the boy's eating habits with more than a spoonful of scorn. He does this ten times until the boy becomes too embarassed to eat dinner with a spoon and fork. This upsets the Filipina mom who, in turn, reports this incident to the school principal. The principal then defends his staff member by saying, and I quote, "Madame, you are in Canada. Here in Canada you should eat the way Canadians eat."

Here:


End of story. And we have a phone in question:


Hey, I respect cultural differences in all it's rich and creamy goodness. I might even sign up for a parade if needed. But you never use the word "pig" in reference to any particular cultural aspect. That's just evil and something that the spawn of Satan would do. It's not nice, and it tends to become offensive, and it's something that you should apologize for.

...

What the hell am I saying? That statement is just downright cruel and indicates an ego about to explode like a swelling appendix. (Insert awful curse word that rhyme with truck, ALL CAPS ) YOU Mr Bergeron! Suck my (Insert slang for penis) you mother (insert the word fucker in here)!!!

And furthermore...oh wait, we have another transmission from line 2, and its from Mr Normand Bergeron himself!



Ha haa!

Next week on Momel's Big Blahg: The shit-eater's guide to proper table manners. Or maybe not. Don't keep your fingers crossed yet. It's all for show! HAR!

Blog Soup #4: I Almost Died and I Blogged About It, Waterproof Lenses, and Shit in a Bottle

My fourth near death experience had lots of running half naked men, rocks, and a taxi with a shattered windshield. It happened two days ago.

Oh wait, but was it my fifth already? I don't know, I lost count. It's not that I'm courting death or anything, but your life flashing right before you is not exactly an experience you need to relive for five times. Five times. It doesn't need to be in a row or anything, but it only takes one brush with death to make you want to stop and smell the roses before you're actually pushing roses from six feet below.

I almost drowned twice, been in an automobile accident three times, and I almost had my appendix explode on me once. What makes that last incident the closest so far was that the gangrenous little sonofabitch was a couple of minutes removed from implosion. Had I been any more idle and I could have been mothering a deadly infection that would have been, for all the right reasons, the death of me.

That's five times in 25 years. Five close encounters; it only takes one wrong turn of events, and I would be submitting one report I've never worked on before.

My own autopsy report.

If there was a God, I'd tell him that I get it already.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I went sunglass shopping with my friends earlier today. They were going to a company outing, so they need to look cool while catching some sun. One of my friends fancied this wicked little thing, and at a little more than the thousand peso mark, he wanted to make sure that it's worth the buck. So he asked the saleslady, "Miss, hindi ba magfa-fade yung tint nitong lens pag nalagyan ng tubig-alat? (Miss, are you sure that the tint on the lens will not fade if it gets a little salt water?)"

The sales lady then replied "Tingnan po natin! (Let's see!)" with the awful pep of a cheerleader. She then opened the glass showcase, took one of the lenses used for that pair of shades, threw that to the floor, and she stepped on it.
And then she stepped on it again. She was doing that Dance Revolution thing on a piece of eyewear. She then said "Hindi po (Nope)" without losing that smile in the process.

I was so totally disturbed by this completely unrelated demonstration that I found myself stomping on that stupid little fucker. And I was laughing at the same time too.

My friend bought that pair all the same.

I'm not a big fan of stool tests. You know, you're supposed to take these physical exams as a pre-requisite to employment. Or if you are already employed, they do these things annually just to check on your, uhm, physical well being. I take great pride in my clean bill of health, but I've never been too keen in taking a sample of my, uhm, crap. What makes it gross is you need to take a sample of your shit in a bottle.

Getting that piece of shit in that bottle is a completely different endeavour altogether. But before you do that, you need to be able to have something to put in that bottle. Have you ever crapped under pressure? Imagine this: medical clearances are due in an hour, and you don't feel nothing like taking a dump.
I'm telling you, it's not that freaking easy sitting on the shitter waiting for golden stool to happen.

Okay, so you managed to convince your bowel movement to do some actual movement. You will now take a deep breath and pray for intestinal fortitude. You will need to isolate the specimen. Imagine how easy things would be if they accepted stool samples on a wet tissue, but no. They had to pick that from a bottle.

So how exactly do I do it? With a piece of stick and surgical precision. Oh, and good aim, too. It's not that easy to catch things that float in water.

Related Posts:
What's a blog soup?
Triggering the Dirty Finger
When is an Appendix Like a Penis?
The First Week

Explaining Some of My Favorite Movies

This is a little list of some of the movies I wouldn't mind faking a sick leave for.

http://www.hotfreelayouts.com/movies.php

So let me explain what's happening here.

I like To Wong Foo because you'll never see anything as funny as Wesley Snipes in drag elsewhere. This is actually where I got the snapping habit from. Broken Hearts Club appeal to the moist and chewy part of me which I never knew existed until this came along in HBO that one night. These two films are for the lady in me.

Yes, that's The Little Mermaid in the list. That's for the kid in me.

The Never Ending story was a warm childhood memory. What makes it warm is it had my Mom, my Dad, and Me. I remember we were still a complete family back then during the first time I watched this. And what they told me after the film was one of the things I have always cherished even in childhood. They told me, "Momel, appealing to sympathy is always a cheap shot."

Ha haa, got you.

The Silence of the Lambs was a recent favorite, and it had Sir Anthony Hopkins in his creepiest. Hannibal Lecter beats the bad shit out of Jason or Freddy or that ugly doll Chuckie ten times out of ten. Mind you, that's three against one.

Linda Blair's projectile vomiting in The Exorcist actually inspired Ryu and Ken's (Streetfighters) Ha-dou-ken. Yup, and I never masturbate. But the Exorcism of Emily Rose was a very interesting film on account of it actually introduces demonic possession as court evidence. In a legal procedure. In the court of law. I'm not sure if it's actually based from a true story, or if that's just another marketing propaganda, but the thought of actually presenting Lucifer to testify in the court of law is just ridiculously interesting.

I loved Sister Acts 1 and 2 for the music and the songs and all those funky nuns doing Dianna Ross and the Supremes. I've actually LimeWired most of the songs in the soundtrack.

Night of the Living Dead and The Bride of Frankenstein are absolute classics in all their black and white-ness. George Romero's genius does a magnificent transfer in color with his revival of Dawn of the Dead, and that little bitch of a horror flick actually had me screaming like the girl I was supposed to be.

There is a reason why people remember The Grudge. It's the same reason why you're seeing it in my list. Seven Doors to Death was also known as The Beyond, and by George, it had the best acid-poured-on-eyeballs scene ever!

I placed Girl Interrupted and Beetle Juice in my list not only because kleptomaniacs make for effective actresses but for entirely different reasons. Beetle Juice had Harry Bellafonte singing Day-O. And just when you thought Angelina Jolie's lips could never get any more abnormal, Girl Interrupted slaps you silly, paints you red, and calls you a dick.

Hey, you can get one of these fantastic list thingies (and you call me a writer) by going to:

Hot Free Layouts

Enjoy!

Blog Soup #3?

All the filth that overfloweth from that stinking cup of piss known as ABS CBN has materialized into GEM TV. No, it doesn't have badly dressed singing champions. It doesn't feature noontime shows with anniversaries consummating in highly sensationalized massacres. It doesn't have totally unfunny comedians with bloated egos. What it does have, however, is this hour-long show called "Ang Nagsialis sa Dating Daan." I'm not sure if it airs for an hour, but it was all the time I needed to get sick.

I'm not sure about these guys, but bad publicity is still publicity. And I don't think broadcasting Eliseo Soriano's bank account number would help either. Alright, we get your point, he's going to hell because he swindles with the Bible and all that, but pulleaaase.

Brother Mike's already another human skidmark in the underwear of life. And what used to be his disciples are bashing him at channel 20 on weekdays at 5 in the afternoon.

Clearly, all this buzz in the NEWS about "suggestively erotic" notebook covers made available to kids in grade school is totally pointless. Why would any kid wank off to his Mathematics notebook when he can always abuse his parents' DSL connection? We'll just have to wait until these kids learn how to use Google. See, we all know for a fact that the Internet is made for porn.

Spaghetti. Call it that. Or pasta, if you will, but for the love of breastmilk, please stop referring to it as "spag." That sounds like something Andrew E would say.

How many MMDA officers does it take to blow a whistle? At least three blowing at the same time. You know how it is here in the Philippines, the louder the clearer. So that explains why I was seeing three MMDA officers terrorizing FX drivers with all that synchronized whistling. Fortunately, it was a one day show in front of the Galleria, and these drivers were able to breathe again the following day. Are these FX drivers that hard of hearing? It's either that, or we must have a whole lot of graduates from Traffic Control School.

I've never posted anything about that gay cowboy movie. I've never even watched the damned thing. True, Jake Gylenhaal and Heath Ledger enjoying each other's chocolate starfishes has got to be any gay guy's top masturbatory fantasy, but that's already another blogger's thesis statement. Not watching it doesn't make me any less gay anyway. Does that make you any less of a Christian if you were thirty years old and uncircumcised?

"I wish I know how to quit you?" Yeah, wave and say hi to the surgeon general and my cancer sticks.

Hey, allow me to greet you all a Happy Mother's Day in advance. My mom's not reading this blog, but she knows like the sweet angel she is that I'm extending the heartfelt shout out to her in California. Most of you folks might still have two parents. I only have one. And I don't think it matters anyway since my mother deserves twice the love.

Mama, I hope you never get tired of that Spice Girl song.

I used to say that lie down with dogs and then love your fleas. You are who your friends are, and that is exactly why I'm going to edit or re-write my blog roll. I've been doing a lot of hopping lately, and after getting a dose of healthy whiffs from different blogging influences, I' ve come to realize that I will need to retain, uhm, "certain" blogs.

Take a picture of me pimping some of my earlier posts:

What's a blog soup?
Triggering the Dirty Finger
A Finger to the Surgeon General
Ten Things
Things I Do With My Different Groups of Friends

Gaway Gaway Grammar and Jovit Moya

You remember ba the gaway gaway people? They're this bunch of bahong tulisan in that old school (laos) na telenovela sang by Vic Sotto. No, it's not Agila, it's Valiente. They're the kalaban, and they're just so frikking ew with their unruly long hair and bad teeth, basically sobrang dripping with all this urban poor na aura you won't believe it. Remember the term ha kasi it's going to be up there in my thesaurus for the bahong urban poor with the jologs na ugaling squatter going on. Meaning you can make asa na we're going to see the same four syllables a lot since I make naman lait the frikking gaway gaway. I do that always kasi eh on account of all this rich and creamy kabadingan that I'm projecting.

Anyway, brace yourselves and prepare for something na sobrang freaky. No, it's not Jobert Sucaldito noh or Eagle Riggs. Get a rosary or buntot pagi like you're waving off some bad feng shui. This is sobrang katakot kaya. This is what happens when the kadiring gaway gaway people learn the internet, get a YM ID, and do that chat thing originally meant for the hip and cool people like us.

You all make kapit na. Like, now na.



cybersonique_8: hi..m2m..hanap serious relatonsip..MALE tripper ako..pm me...
greater_cynic: labo talaga ng tao
mflip_69 joined the room
greater_cynic: anghirap ng closet queen!!!

sweetdevil20004: may ilaw na (hello, like, is your PC de-bomba and running on kerosene? kagalit ha)

¦°ÅmîÇî°¦¬ºkÊ¥º: im going 2 use a potion in able u to fall in love wit me
team_suplado!!: <<
¦°ÅmîÇî°¦¬ºkÊ¥º: hehehehehehe
greater_cynic: how about a potion na pampa-galing mag-english?
Lil Chique: really? it'll not work for me blive me.. (I'm not making this imbento ha. This is sobrang for real)

anrei_17: BABY KO TAMA NA YAN
greater_cynic: wow naman sweet
anrei_17: BAKA MAPANO KAPA
syzarmangonon joined the room
greater_cynic: baby raw niya
greater_cynic: concerned!!!
greater_cynic: nag-meet na kayo?
celson_14 left the room
mr_superman_2k6 (mr_superman_2k6) joined the room
~»X-Щ«~»N¢N¢Ng«~ (c_janeako) joined the room
for_dclan left the room
lucky_pacatang left the room
anrei_17: DI PA (pero you love him na? it must be fate, right? or, ano, sobrang feeling princess princessan na naman this gaway gaway na bitch)

stay_with_joyce_03: galing tga ni manny
babyshack619: sya n nguna
dizzed28: uu gna eh
dizzed28: astig
dizzed28: lupit ng bawi nya
dizzed28: stay asl mo
pilipino_boys: tanong kulang sa u
pilipino_boys: baog kaba
nick_ace25 left the room
pilipino_boys: baklang puta
greater_cynic: yun ang malupit ang bawi
mendoza (rafil_mendoza) joined the room
greater_cynic: si dizzed. hanep sa para-paraan

[]£ê±mªkµ[]Khä±: e0w..p0h..!
greater_cynic: meron na ba???
Pa-ImPoRTanTe-Kc-Ako-Diba: ay naku buhay
[]£ê±mªkµ[]Khä±: ala naman aq makauzap hir..
lil_diet.wyao: anong nangyari sa room natin?
[]£ê±mªkµ[]Khä±: kaazar.!!!
greater_cynic: papansin ka naman
greater_cynic: kaazar

kolorbuto: wow...... ur body........ very beautyful, palmol will u married me, please!!!!
gnsabado: would u mine palmolivegirl to access plssssssssss
kolorbuto: please palmo, married with me,...... ohhhhh palmol
kolorbuto: kolorbuto mean is the greaatest of love
kolorbuto: mermaid..... may i go to ur home, please mermaid, because i love u please!!!

redta17: my cute gurls ba d2 na pwd q mging gf? yung naka-SUN lang ha.(oh diba, choosy siya, right? So we know na his answer to the question "What are you looking for in a woman?)

goodboy007_x: Dear ladies....Do u wish to show yourself on cam to me here in yahoo..we can also do C2C...I am a great lover of womankind

!!Ðág鮧¬¿yãh: ano ba wala bng gustong kumausap to me

mcsonjassi: 22/m here any grl wanna hav c2c enjoyment???

boy_nice2003: i m from USA i want personal secretary for my new business in UK so any good looking smart sexy phil girl or smart woman apply for job i m now online

Again, the term is "gaway gaway." Kk? So that, you know, when you meet a sobrang jologs na person making terno the skicap with the fake fake blings, then you know na what to call them. When you meet somebody with a sobrang ka-cheapan na bleach job on his hair along with the dugyot complexion, you know na what to call them. When you meet somebody wearing white belts on black leather shoes and no socks to match, you know na what to call them. When you see Jovit Moya, you know na what to call him aside from Baklitina, kk?

It's Baklitina kasi naman he insists na he's not bakla, pero we know naman for a fact that there is a small part of him screaming for cock. And that part of him siguro would be his, ano, his luwang na ass. He's kunyaring pulis-pulisan portion pa, and we know naman na if he's a pulis, then he would be both Tanga and Chos in one closet. Wave and say hi to Joey de Leon and Jon Santos pala!

Hay, here are some movies included in Baklitina's filmography:

Baliktaran: Si Ace at si Daisy (2001) = Shempre noh, we know na who's playing Daisy. It's not Daisy Duck noh. Patawa talaga you.

Pag Dumikit Kumakapit (1998)

Trip Kita, Type Mo Ba? (1998) = This title is so, ano, "discreetly bisexual." Like, ew talaga.

Ama... Bakit Mo Ako Pinabayaan? (1990) = Subtitle: Pero Keri Lang Dahil Walang Daot sa Aking Rampa at Booking

Related Posts:
Mel Vs Discreetly Bisexual Man Eating Paminta
Some People Aren't Meant to Go Online

Some Chatters Aren't Meant to Go Online

I've added bash.org to my favorites list. It is basically this website which transcribes a lot of funny quotes they've encountered in IRC. They also accept submissions for funny quotes, working much like America's Funniest Home Videos in this manner. Anyway, a basher is someone who gets his kicks from making fun of chatters, and he's usually the same prick who gets the most LOL comments pointed at him. Laugh Out Loud.

I used to be a basher myself, and I've been chatting on and off since I learned how to seven years ago. Don't count. I'm a late bloomer, tech-wise, but look at how I've grown! I'm doing HTML magic on my blog. And I also do tech support for a living, but enough with the macho posturing since that's not the point. Bash.org is basically caucasian, and trying to create a local version might have it's moments, but don't keep your fingers crossed. There are moments of rare inspiration when you get to speak with a real wit online, but chances are, you're left with the (insert drumroll.wav file) online "masa" to chat with.

Yup, the online "masa," who can effortlessly make their "ugaling squatter" surface through a DSL connection which they're paying 25 to 30 bucks for an hour. The online "masa," whose just as "jologs" offline as they are online. The online "masa" whose thoroughly prepared to use the internet to create a alternative life for themselves, a life they can only dream of offline. These are the same losers who weave fantastic tales of their offline pursuits in order to beef up their online "pogi points," or "ganda points" for that matter. These are the same losers who have more online friends than they do offline. And, should you happen to pass by any of the local chatrooms, you'll have no choice but to hold it in. You will be surrounded by them.

It's a tad boring talking with the local "masa" since you eventually get to point out that they are online simply to
a) chance upon a prostitute who will give them blowjobs
b) chance upon a prostitute who will give them free blowjobs
c) get a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, or a "discreetly bisexual" partner. "Ew," like Ben refers to it.
d) jerk off to camwhores who do "shows" for the affordable price of a call card. (These guys get their kicks from watching other people strip online. Which makes us wonder, will they ever score offline?)
e) get bored. or get laid. whichever one comes first.
f) It's a tad boring talking with the local "masa" online since you eventually get to point out that they are online simply to make it obvious that they're cutting spelling and grammar classes just to be able to chat. Cross everything from a to e. Now, shake your head in disbelief. There you go. Good boy.

Try getting them to talk about anything interesting, and you'll be at it for the next few hours or so. I once went to this Yahoo chatroom, introduced myself to the online "masa," and threw a simple question, "What can be the most annoying thing these days." Simple, huh? If any of them was actually paying enough attention, then we'd have a conversation going on. Which would be great since that's what chatting is all about, right? But the problem was that the online "masa" was in great need of a virtual blowjob to take notice.

What I got in return was sexual solicitations, personal ads, and invitations to get my freak on with my webcam. So I switched chat rooms, did the same routine, and got the same response. The fourth room was no different from the third, which varied only with the qualities of perversion that the third room offerred. It had this amateur photographer who's looking for female models willing to pose for him for P1500 for four hours.

Ugly Kittens

Our cross eyed Siamese cat gave birth to rats. They were not really "rats" as rats are properly defined, but they were more like kittens who, in their unbelievable ugliness, resemble vermin more than actual Siamese kittens. They're a bag of bones in this scrawny testicular pouch with missing patches of fur scattered all over. They're whiny little brats, and they move around like they own the place. You have no idea how such high pitched squealing can register from these little deformities until you've met these ugly animals. I don't know if this will be a duckling phase significant to such beautiful breeds like the Siamese, but what I'm looking at right now inspire vomit just like Joross Gamboa.

Makes you wonder how such ugly freaks could come from beautiful parents. Hmmm...

Ohhhh, So That Explains Things

There was once this horse who died and went to that big green pasture in horse heaven. His name's Galloping Poser, and he was receiving judgment from the Guardian of the Pearly Fences. Here's what happened:

Loud and Booming Voice: Galloping Poser, we have been monitoring your activities, and you have been a very very wicked horse indeed. You have an ego that's more than enough for a village, you make fun of people more educated than you are, and you associate with good looking people because you're hoping that their cool will be transferred to you in one way or another. You use people, and that's not something characteristic of a god fearing horse.

Loud and Booming Voice: As punishment, you will be forced to be reborn as a human being. You will be living in the Philippines where you will be living a lifetime of bad acting. In ABS CBN.

Loud and Booming Voice: You will be sweating blood in your futile attempts at success, but your efforts shall all be in vain since we will not be giving you any talents worth noticing. None at all. What you can call redemption shall surface in the form of your onscreen love interest and your backup dancers, but you shall have nothing with which to shine on your lonesome. You will be devoid and bereft of any bankable skills. You will be a handicap, and you will be nothing without your onscreen love interest and your backup dancers. Save maybe for some skills in social climbing and faking and macho posturing, you will still be leading a hopeless career in Philippine showbusiness.

Loud and Booming Voice: You will break in to the entertainment industry not because of anything that's worth counting like your features maybe or your talents. Like I mentioned, you shall be stripped bare of these luxuries at birth. You will be galloping in a race, in a contest that seeks to discover badly dressed talents that will add to ABS CBN's circus of already badly dressed talents. You will win, but don't count that as good fortune. That is but part of this grand masterplan to wreck you. We will expose your shitty horseness to the heavily criticizing public.

Loud and Booming Voice: You will retain your features as a horse in a man's body, and your name will be Joross Gamboa.

That Hair Talk Commercial Sucks a Big Fat Cock

1. If you're Hair Talking and your hair has highlights, then you're Hair Talking with a fake accent. Like a call center agent.

2. If you're Hair Talking and your hair has split ends, then you're stut-stuttering as you're fingers struggle to break free of your unruly hair.

3. If you're Hair Talking with a balding head, then you're missing a few vowels. Or you're Hair Talking with a hare lip.

4. You can Hair Talk even if you're using a different shampoo. But if you're so poor that you're washing your hair with, I dunno, a bath soap like Safeguard, then in your case, talk is cheap.

5. If you're Hair Talking on a bad hair day, then you're foulmouthing.

I was able to steal this picture from Ebay. Yup, you heard that right. Ebay. Apparently, it now doubles as your online sari sari store, but you'd be surprised as to how this product was advertised along with Eskinol Facial Cleanser (starts at $3.99), Salon Pas Pain Relieving Patch ($1.99), Tiger Balm White Philippines ($4.99) and Aceite Manzanilla for gas pains ($5.99). They were, and I quote, Philippines Island Treasures.


One of our island treasures, Sunsilk Shampoo (Soft Touch w/ almond oil), sells for $4.99.