Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Blog Soup #4: I Almost Died and I Blogged About It, Waterproof Lenses, and Shit in a Bottle

My fourth near death experience had lots of running half naked men, rocks, and a taxi with a shattered windshield. It happened two days ago.

Oh wait, but was it my fifth already? I don't know, I lost count. It's not that I'm courting death or anything, but your life flashing right before you is not exactly an experience you need to relive for five times. Five times. It doesn't need to be in a row or anything, but it only takes one brush with death to make you want to stop and smell the roses before you're actually pushing roses from six feet below.

I almost drowned twice, been in an automobile accident three times, and I almost had my appendix explode on me once. What makes that last incident the closest so far was that the gangrenous little sonofabitch was a couple of minutes removed from implosion. Had I been any more idle and I could have been mothering a deadly infection that would have been, for all the right reasons, the death of me.

That's five times in 25 years. Five close encounters; it only takes one wrong turn of events, and I would be submitting one report I've never worked on before.

My own autopsy report.

If there was a God, I'd tell him that I get it already.

Anyway, on a lighter note, I went sunglass shopping with my friends earlier today. They were going to a company outing, so they need to look cool while catching some sun. One of my friends fancied this wicked little thing, and at a little more than the thousand peso mark, he wanted to make sure that it's worth the buck. So he asked the saleslady, "Miss, hindi ba magfa-fade yung tint nitong lens pag nalagyan ng tubig-alat? (Miss, are you sure that the tint on the lens will not fade if it gets a little salt water?)"

The sales lady then replied "Tingnan po natin! (Let's see!)" with the awful pep of a cheerleader. She then opened the glass showcase, took one of the lenses used for that pair of shades, threw that to the floor, and she stepped on it.
And then she stepped on it again. She was doing that Dance Revolution thing on a piece of eyewear. She then said "Hindi po (Nope)" without losing that smile in the process.

I was so totally disturbed by this completely unrelated demonstration that I found myself stomping on that stupid little fucker. And I was laughing at the same time too.

My friend bought that pair all the same.

I'm not a big fan of stool tests. You know, you're supposed to take these physical exams as a pre-requisite to employment. Or if you are already employed, they do these things annually just to check on your, uhm, physical well being. I take great pride in my clean bill of health, but I've never been too keen in taking a sample of my, uhm, crap. What makes it gross is you need to take a sample of your shit in a bottle.

Getting that piece of shit in that bottle is a completely different endeavour altogether. But before you do that, you need to be able to have something to put in that bottle. Have you ever crapped under pressure? Imagine this: medical clearances are due in an hour, and you don't feel nothing like taking a dump.
I'm telling you, it's not that freaking easy sitting on the shitter waiting for golden stool to happen.

Okay, so you managed to convince your bowel movement to do some actual movement. You will now take a deep breath and pray for intestinal fortitude. You will need to isolate the specimen. Imagine how easy things would be if they accepted stool samples on a wet tissue, but no. They had to pick that from a bottle.

So how exactly do I do it? With a piece of stick and surgical precision. Oh, and good aim, too. It's not that easy to catch things that float in water.

Related Posts:
What's a blog soup?
Triggering the Dirty Finger
When is an Appendix Like a Penis?
The First Week

19 comments:

  1. i haven't figure out what your blog soup's really about until i read the related post "what's a blog soup".

    but i think i guess it right. it's a hot version of the halo-halo. hahah! nice one.

    at first i was little confounded, tryin to figure out the connection with every paragraph..heheh! dude you got me here!

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  2. btw, bout your post...i think you better take a really good care for yourself. those incident may serve as a warning. ingatz pre!

    so you think the shades worth the bucks now huh? freaky demonstration..hehehe


    and oh how about the stool? hmmppp...kumusta nman ang soup na me halong ganitong eksena? nawindang ako sau! hahah

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  3. My father once did that stool test and he used chopsticks to get the--erm, stool from the bowl. Icky job!

    I'm a fan of this blog soup thing already. :)

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  4. yes. you really should take care of yourself, man.

    and that you survived all these only goes to show... masama kang damo? joke. goes to show swerte ka.

    disturbing, that demo at the mall. pero panalo iyung shades ha.

    i'm foregoing commenting on the shit thing. ahahaha.

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  5. yes. you really should take care of yourself, man.

    and that you survived all these only goes to show... masama kang damo? joke. goes to show swerte ka.

    disturbing, that demo at the mall. pero panalo iyung shades ha.

    i'm foregoing commenting on the shit thing. ahahaha.

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  6. oh my god! i can't imagine the saleslady. are you sure it wasn't some gag show? hahaha

    and about the stool sample, i never gave it to them. there are other, um, events in a physical examination that bother me. i still get nightmares.

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  7. momel, keep ur self free pag nauwi ako jan, i-pray over kita... ;-)

    are u sure you're only 25? you finished college quiet early ha.

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  8. from death to an weird saleslady...

    hahaha... good thing i never had to experience any of that stool test when i applied here at work. all they needed from me was a small container full of my wiwi.

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  9. har har, got you good! @ lojika

    chopsticks? wow, talk about skill @ rob

    yeah, it's either masama akong damo or... or... oo, masama ako damo @ erik (HAR!)

    nope, no hidden cameras @ carl. nightmarish physical examinations? hmmm, tell me more! he hee

    opo, 25 lang talaga @ bry. brownies na lang with yen. the dude had a hard time noh? good luck talaga to him

    he hee, I find the total lack of coherence more my speed than anything @ brew

    Guys, thanks for dropping by! Hey, I will be posting my pics soon. I never showed it in friendster, dito lang. HAR!

    Cheers!

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  10. tell you more? oh god painful memories. it involves the removal of underwear and the spreading open of some body parts. i won't tell more than that.

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  11. ohhhhh...

    Physical Examinations for $200, please. Answer: What is an anal probe?

    Har har har!

    Cheers!

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  12. jeez momel what an exciting life you lead! *lol*

    btw, i hear you about that stool test. i did that before and (pardon my bluntness)i can still feel the heat coming out of the shit-cup we used to catch the piece of shit (literally!)

    haha!

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  13. HA HA HAAAAA @ ira

    you said "shit cup"

    ...

    HA HA HAAA, that's the cutest term I've heard for that little, what, shit-cup. HA HA HAAAA!

    and you caught shit with that cup? (grin). You must be very very accurate then. HAR HAR!

    Cheers!

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  14. so what was the cause of your appendicitis? wala lang, just want to be informed. :)

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  15. ah @ trisha

    It was as easy as too much beer and too much food on an already flowing stomach. And then I walked around AND PLAYED POOL with all that weight in my belly. I sat down, noticed a slight pinching sensation in the upper part of my stomach, just between and below the ribcages. That pain intensified tenfold, and it has never abandoned me until I had my swollen appendics excised a day later.

    I had two scars from that operation, and it took about six weeks to heal.

    You never had an appendectomy before? Oh, and always keep it regular, I mean the bowel movement. My surgeon told me that undisposed waste, at least some of it, tends to clog that up. That and unbreakable food material like tomato seeds and smaller edible things.

    Cheers and take care!

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  16. shit in a bottle!

    Same sentiment and same experience but placed my turd in an ice cream cup

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  17. oh @ krislan

    we had ours in those gravy cups you get when you do take out.

    weird huh?

    so far, I have this list of receptacles used as shit-cups (as the dear ira refers to them): those brownish medicine bottles, gravy cups, ice cream cups, and wet tissues (as suggested by an officemate)

    Cheers!

    Cheers!

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  18. maybe you're one lucky dude. but then again, one cannot push his luck too often, can he?

    basta, i'm happy you're safe.

    i was trying to imagine the saleslady, and yes, she was eager even in my imagination.

    about the crap: you really got me there. sobra. ha ha. kadireee! ha ha. :)

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  19. She's almost pretty pa naman inspite of all her face powder and cheap lipstick na sooo saleslady. No offense meant ha, pero isn't that the general observation?

    Cheers!

    ReplyDelete

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