Momel Versus The Queen Fairy of Gay Loving (ROUND 1)

Once upon a time...

I was finishing Resident Evil 4 on my PS2 when the room was suddenly engulfed in this acrid pink fog. It deliberately violates the senses with the smell of orange blush and setting lotion. It was fiercely abrupt, and I was just getting used to this uninvited sensation when a familiar figure began to emerge from the then dispersing smoke.

It was the Queen Fairy of Gay Loving with her two-ended dildo slash magic wand.

Queen Fairy: Momel, Momel, Momel. It's a fucking Saturday evening, and you're here wasting your fabulous good looks on your PS2? Why don't you go get yourself glammed up and go out? You know full well that there's somebody out there waiting for your sweet sweet lip-loving. I should know. I'm reading your dreams.

Momel: Hey, fairy, you want something to drink? I went grocery shopping earlier. I have teargas and ipis-poison.

Queen Fairy: Thanks, I'll pass. I just cocksucked the youth out of this kid I met online so I think I'm all set. Now, I want you to take your filthy hands off of that analog controller, take a bath and get gorgeous. You know those hands are meant to raise gay hell for another gay guy, so step to it.

Momel: Can I just do that some other time? I'm having sex with my PS2, and I'm almost done putting bullet holes in these motherfucking brainless zombies. Hindutin ka sa kumukulong langis na putangina ka! Ooops, sorry your Highness, I was talking to these zombies. Don't you just hate them appearing when you really don't want them to?

Momel: And I just had sex last night, so I guess I'm good. I'm not in the mood to pleasure myself or another horny cocksucker. I think I'll just stay in.

Queen Fairy: My dear faggot underling, you've clearly resumed your old habit of trash talking. I'm not taking none of your bullshit, okay? And I'm soo not talking about another one night stand. That is soo five minutes ago. I want you to go find yourself a lover.

Momel: But I have a lover already! And I'm so deeply in love with him. So yeah, I guess that settles that. Leave me alone now.

Queen Fairy: Shut your piehole, fool. You so don't have a lover, and you better believe it. (Snaps fingers in righteous indignation.)

Momel: Yes, I do.

Queen Fairy: Oh hell no, you don't. I should know. I'm reading your blog.

Momel: Yes, I do. (Points fingers.) See?

Queen Fairy: (Follows the direction towards where my finger is pointed. Allows some time to leave mouth agape in disbelief. Maniacal laughing is heard a few seconds after. Maniacal laughing pauses as if collecting itself, and then erupts with very audible intensity.)

Queen Fairy: You're the most retarded faggot I've ever had in my kingdom! And you know what (waves wand and causes analog controller and PS2 to vanish), I've had enough of this crap. And furthermore (snaps finger twice in a circle and causes my lover to levitate three feet in front of me), your lover won't do you no hell of good. So I'm sending him straight down to where no gay sun don't shine!

Momel: Oh no you won't! (Scrambles in a hurried frenzy to rescue my lover which begins to tremble violently. Hugs lover with a few seconds to move him away from an approaching wisp of pink dust. Pink dust meets with a glassful of ipis-poison which dissolves to the tune of Chaka Kahn's Through the Fire.)

Momel: Damn you, I'm so not going to forgive you if anything even remotely dangerous should happen to him! (Tightly embraces lover.)

Queen Fairy: Did you just save that no-good piece of trash you claim as your lover?

Momel: You better believe it.

Queen Fairy: But that's a freaking maple cuestick!

Momel: Ain't he a beauty? You have no idea how I love stroking his smooth shaft. (Refers to actual interaction between a pool player and his cuestick.)

Queen Fairy: You're telling me that you're preferring this inanimate object over an actual human being? (Shows no clear understanding of the pun intended, being the shallow bitch she is.)

Momel: Well, that makes two of us (Rolls eye to Queen Fairy's two-ended dildo slash wand. Raises right eyebrow in contempt.)

Queen Fairy: Why you insubordinate motherfucker! I'm trying my awful sweetest to help you out, and this is the thanks I get? Why don't you just flash me the dirty finger for props?

Momel: (Mutters: I'll be more than happy to oblige. And then mutters more expletives you don't normally employ in the company of royalty. However homosexual they are.)

Momel: But what makes you think that I need help? I'm very comfortable with what's going on right now, and I'm not terribly eager to try it with another human being. I like playing pool, and that's it. This passion has done a whole lot of good for me, and that's not something that any of my exes have even succeeded in doing. I'm not giving up just yet with another person, but I'm not real mighty with giving it another shot in the next few days or so. Or weeks. Or months. Don't worry, I'm not counting years just yet.

Momel: Sure, I'm not volunteering myself for a new relationship. Does that make it any different from actually giving up on love? No, I don't think so (bobs head and snaps fingers). Do you think that there's somebody out there who's ready enough for all my creamy goodness? No, I don't think so (bobs head and snaps fingers). And do you think that there's somebody who's willing to endure all my foulmothing and my trash talking just yet? No, I don't think so (bobs head and snaps fingers). And furthermore...

(A blinding flash of pink smoke arrests the room with that familiar scent of orange blush and setting lotion. It causes my eyes to shed tears, and it blurs my vision with a nightmare of fuchsia. I begin to cough. And then that pink smoke, significant of The Queen Fairy of Gay Loving's arrival and departure, begins to clear. I'm suddenly aware that I'm holding a familiar object. It's my PS2 analog controller, and I'm finishing Resident Evil 4 again. My maple cuestick's back in it's corner of the room, and the Queen Fairy's nowhere in sight. She left.)

Momel: Bitch.