Horror Movie Review #25: The Wicker Man

**Powerhouse blah.

THE WICKER MAN
Directed By: Neil LaBute
Release Date: 1 September 2006
Running Time: 102 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Umm, cults?
Sex? - Zero.
Gore? - Zero.

Nicolas Cage plays this detective Edward Malus who investigates the disappearance of his estranged daughter Rowan. Police work takes him to SummersIsle, a veritable venus flytrap of an island whose predominantly girl powered population conceals this hard core, paganistic, mother goddess worshipping cult. These tree hugging feminists hold this sacrificial ritual where, in a series of well engineered deceptions, they succeeded in maneuvering Nicolas Cage, to his horror and against his will, as an unwilling sacrifice that screams so much like a girl. He becomes this offerring to burn along and within this effigy made of, and who would've guessed, made of wick.

It's got no sex, no gore, and no ass kicking monster freaks, but its got Nicolas Cage, Kathy Bates, and Leelee Sobieski. Its a singularly capital roster that delivers this movie from utter neglect. This quasi powerhouse cast does well to complement a tired storyline and the moderately surprising twist in the end. Of course, you must understand that this will not work well in an otherwise low budget production.


Momel's Rating: 3/5

My Page Rank Went Down One Point.

I usually didn't feel this strongly about such truck as rank, but I've been so obsessed with the decoration since the virtual handshake. I went down one Page Rank, from a PR of 3 down to 2. I may have an idea as to how this happened, but should I care?

Hell yeah.

I'm thinking this was due to the saturation of sponsored reviews. Sigh. I'd like to write more about this issue, but I'm doing this while incensed with that much grief and regret. Funny how the one thing that I'm trying to increase my Page Rank for is the same maligning germ which pulled it down.

I'm Doing Sponsored Reviews Now and I'm Sorry. Part Two

**What's with me and the excessive apologies?

I know most of my paid reviews are irrelevant to my content. I'm so used to doing online gambling sites that i can do it in my sleep. And I'm a light sleeper, so that's saying a whole hell of plenty. But then, I do take the time to visit their site and know firsthand what I'm reviewing. I personally wouldn't pay $25 for a 200-word review for a set of three paragraphs thats nothing more than an incoherent mess of flowery adjectives I can easily write myself.

Did I say most? You know how its like when some guilty kid admits to being a dick, and he makes it clear he's just flaccid?

For now, I'm trying to make this blog look super fierce enough to be able to attract products that I'm very partial to. For the time being, I'll continue writing quality reviews more for the practice, and then for the content, and then for the cash. The fact that I'm now getting something concrete for my writing's a welcome validation, and I'm grateful for that one detail the most.

I'm not trying to sound grand because I'm getting a little something extra for my writing. Understand, this humble blog of bull is way sexier than that. I'm still keeping it real; the Pay Pal account's more like my feather boa.

Say Hello to Part One. Click Here!
I got the idea for this post from this review by Gray Wolf's SEO Blog

I'm Doing Sponsored Reviews Now and I'm Sorry

**I wanted to say that I too have a confession to make, but you guys probably have noticed my endorsements too much, it would've defeated the point.

I have a confession to make. And, like a heart attack, its final. Yes, I AM doing paid reviews, and let me say it now in case this turned you guys off: I'm sorry.

I started blogging to come to terms with my appendectomy, and then to harvest comments, and then to increase my readership. I was down and tight with this prop-less simplicity, and the blog hopping, and the link exchanges, and the way my blog cross dressed from one template to another. This went on good for about three years, and then my readers diversified to... various disciplines.

I exchanged links with other bloggers who are beginning to monetize. One thing led to another, and I was introduced to such terms as "monetizing" and "page rank." I then knew what my page rank was, and what its for. And how I'm probably saying goodbye to it now with this admission. By and by, I became eligible for doing paid reviews. The opportunity presented itself, and I had fantastic contacts which made it possible. My first review ran for $25, and how it worked was that I get 65% of the bid.

I earned $16.25 on my first 200-word endorsement.

The reason why I'm telling you this was because I never planned to earn from my blog in the first place. Let me be like an aimless young adult and her unplanned pregnancy with my excuse: it just happened. See, I was drunk with the idea of becoming a paid blogger for real, I was and I am, but that had its consequences. I'll talk about that soon.

Understand that I'm not washing my hands off with this admission. No, this isn't some first step to healing an addiction that wasn't there to begin with. It was never, and will never mutate to such proportions. I just want to let it all out and tell you that I'm doing reviews because I can and I want to. I'm sorry if this turned you off. No excuses.

If its any consolation, I am trying to make up with my output. See, there's this cap of three posts to one sponsored review. This means that you can't saturate your blog with too many sponsored posts on account of some very obvious reasons. Personally, this quota prevents me from going hardcore, and I'm real tight with that. Yes, I am sexy. But I'm not moving to porn.

And speaking of porn, there was this one time I was commissioned to do a porn review. But that's a little too anal for my writing ethics. So I didn't. Here's a picture of me in that situation.

Horror Movie Review #24: Thinner

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

All Hail Them Creeps!

**No, this is not a sponsored review. I love this site so much, I can make love to it. Twice.

Night of the Creeps

This is, by far and by a mile, hell, by a far mile, hands down the funniest horror movie review site ever. I've been an avid follower of this here pot of funny since early 2000, and I've been devout ever since. And thats easily understandable; it's a barrel of laughs from end to end, review to review, and at the same time, we are treated to an unlikely wealth of information that targets a very specific audience. And that's them horror movie enthusiasts like my person.

Truth is, they, gay word alert, inspired me to do movie reviews. And I am using their format with the movie details that precede the actual review proper because that was how I was introduced to the practice. Them "seven retarded bastards from shaolin" are comedic geniuses in their own right. And can you please click on their link now because I've reached my ass kissing quota, and I'm running out of compliments.

And here's a quick list on why you should be reading Night of the Creeps (NOTC):

1. They have Hitler's Brain doing the FAQ. Seriously. From a jar.

From the confines of his sin-stained mechanical womb, Hitler's Brain has agreed to host the infamous NIGHT OF THE CREEPS' F.A.Q. Of course, this is after we threatened to push his jar off the counter and breakdance on his cerebrum... but nonetheless: he is our mind slave now.

2. They're a gnarly combination of funny and sensible:

Q: "So where in the hell are all the 'classic' horror flicks like the "NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREETs", "HALLOWEENs", Or "EVIL DEADs" on your page? I thought you retards were supposed to be authorities on horror!"

A: "Actually, we're the authorities on TV/VCR repair. Still, if we had a dollar for every time some little snot-nosed faggot sent us this same question in through our mailbox... we could go over to Piggly Wiggly, buy a fat ass box of CRUNCH 'N' MUNCH, and still have enough money left over to buy a pack of Jesus Trading Pogs at La Tienda Mexicana. A lot of people seem to think that we haven't heard of (let alone seen) such classics like Sam Raimi's excellent EVIL DEAD trilogy, BAD TASTE or DEAD ALIVE, or all of the HALLOWEEN movies just because they don't show up on our FLICK LIST. The truth is, these movies are excellent classics that have been seen by just about everyone in the horror community- including all of us. We could easily sit down and do full length reviews for every single EVIL DEAD & FRIDAY THE 13th movie in existence... but come on- if you haven't heard of these flicks by now you've either been living in Aquaman's Underwater Butt Nest for the last 10 years or need to quit your sexy job. The fact is, there are probably a thousand other sites that have full length reviews of these venerable classics, and we just don't feel that these films require monster entries on our Flick List. Instead, we feel that these films deserve special attention on our HALL OF FAME section, where an individual Creep will pay homage to a particular franchise or classic film in grand style."

3. The site's easy to navigate. Check the sidebar.

4. The reviewers have retard names like Eagle Te (depicted as a white haired kung fu master), El Santo (The Mexican Wrestling Zombie Killer), Z Man (Ape Leader who aims to submit us humans to countless horror movies, and General Zod (recruited by Z Man). They have such names and personalities to match, so that's a big plus.

5. They have a traffic rank of 22, 249 (Alexa.com). That is so boss. And did I mention they're funny? If I did, let say it again.

Dream Sequences Suck

**I think they do. Big time.

1. Dream sequences are the third cheapest filler bested only by
a. excessive banter that does nothing to the story
b. gratuitous sex that does nothing to the story

2. Nightmare in Elm Street is different. It's all about dream sequences, revolves around a dream killer, and that's a very perfect excuse

3. Dream sequences mislead. Nothing sucks better than when a scene that supposedly kills off the dipshit main character. It then fades into a continuing scene where the same dipshit main character wakes up with a terrible fit of bad acting. And lives for some twenty minutes more. During which he makes us suffer with terrible fits of bad acting.

4. Dream sequences are usually more fun than the real thing because they make us believe, for a brief instant, that some stupid supporting actor dies in a very cleverly engineered kill sequence. But they don't, and we suffer the same unimportant bad acting for another 20 minutes only to have them die dumb. Dream sequences are the ultimate kill joy in that respect.

5. The only thing that sucks a bigger dick than dream sequences are dream sequences within dream sequences. It's all of the above multiplied by the nth power of the actual value of pi. Which is totally nonterminating suckiness if you ask me.

Horror Movie Review #23: Teeth

**You guys will so love this. You might probably have a hard on too. I know my friend did.

TEETH
Directed By: Adam Marcus
Release Date: 19 January 2007
Running Time: 94 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Carnivore cunt with teeth.
Sex? - Carnivore cunt with teeth.
Gore? - Penile dismemberment.

I enjoyed the cheap effectivity of this uncanny sex kitten of a horror movie. In a (nutsac) nutshell, its this hilariously horny parade of penile dismemberment that revolves around Dawn and her toothed vagina. She's about as cute as she is frigid, and yes, you read that right. Teeth. Vagina. Same anatomical package. See, Dawn's afflicted with the curse of the Vagina Dentata: it's this carnivorous monster cunt that can only be conquered by the chosen one... And it is with so much laborious effort that I'm controlling this snickering urge to laugh out loud because I am so fucking not kidding you. This is really what's happening in this movie, and this is why I liked it so much.

It's not a family movie, it cannot be a family movie, and it shreds the concept of family values to very indistinguishable particles. See, this movie climaxes in this tensely incestuous scene where our heroine extracts her revenge on her clueless fuck of a punk stepbrother. And this is through the only method she's properly equipped for.

Vagina Dentata. It's a curiosly capital concept which allows softporn to poorly transition into a horror film. I gave it a 4/5 for the comic relief. And all other physical "reliefs" you can think of.

Momel's Rating: 4/5

My EX Is A Porn Star! Chat Transcript

**This is a long transcript. Read only if you have time. Enjoy!


[05:00] stranger7XXX: idolo!!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: long time
[05:02] greater_cynic: AY!
[05:02] greater_cynic: is that you?
[05:02] greater_cynic: idol!
[05:02] greater_cynic: musta?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: eto buhay pa rin, ano balita?
[05:02] greater_cynic: hay nakoh!
[05:02] greater_cynic: kahapon
[05:02] greater_cynic: sobra
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ano kahapon?
[05:02] greater_cynic: have you ever been confined in a room with somebody for almost seventeen hours?
[05:02] greater_cynic: sobra
[05:00] stranger7XXX: tagal naman non!!!
[05:02] greater_cynic: let's say it's your room naman, pero it's with your fubu
[05:02] greater_cynic: harsh!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: buti buhay ka pa
[05:02] greater_cynic: oo, nakakabuhay yung roleplaying
[05:00] stranger7XXX: surgeon & patient ba?
[05:02] greater_cynic: nope!
[05:02] greater_cynic: director and character-actor
[05:02] greater_cynic: tapos naka-21 takes kami sa isang kissing scene
[05:00] stranger7XXX: uy type yan
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HAAAA, sobra
[05:00] stranger7XXX: eh di namaga mga nguso nyo
[05:02] greater_cynic: di naman
[05:02] greater_cynic: okay lang, soft lips
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ah ok
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero alam mo, it was one of those things na you NEED to make kuwento
[05:02] greater_cynic: yun bang kuwentong kuwento ka na after the event
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero it's not kiss and telling naman diba?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: who cares, basta masayang ikwento eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: sabagay
[05:02] greater_cynic: oo nga!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: naku, may kwento ako sayo, super crazy studd
[05:00] stranger7XXX: stuff*
[05:02] greater_cynic: pano?
[05:02] greater_cynic: gaano ka-crazy itu?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: probably in my top 3 stories to tell to everyone
[05:02] greater_cynic: hala!
[05:02] greater_cynic: type na!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ok, sa L.A., i dated this pinay girl...
[05:00] stranger7XXX: teka, display ko pic namin --> LINK DELETED
[05:00] stranger7XXX: para mas emote
[05:02] greater_cynic: okay, pero ibang chat program ito ha , so tingnan natin kung lalabas
[05:02] greater_cynic: meebo
[05:02] greater_cynic: yun
[05:00] stranger7XXX: kita ba? -->> LINK DELETED
[05:02] greater_cynic: di eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: LINK!
[05:02] greater_cynic: url! naintriga naman ako
[05:00] stranger7XXX: teka, upload ko sa photobucket
[05:00] stranger7XXX: this is worth it
[05:00] stranger7XXX: wait ka lang
[05:02] greater_cynic: what is it about ba?
[05:02] greater_cynic: para may idea ako
[05:00] stranger7XXX: parang nga...basta wag muna spoiler
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah okay
[05:02] greater_cynic: tagal!
[05:02] greater_cynic: <-- na excite
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hahaha
[05:00] stranger7XXX: teka mahaba proseso eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: keri lang
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ok, eto pic namin last November (LINK DELETED)
[05:02] greater_cynic: wow! killer
[05:00] stranger7XXX: dating kami nyan, hindi serious...fucking and hanging out lang, ganon
[05:02] greater_cynic: so this was november last year
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero Oct. '05 hindi na kami nag-date nyan
[05:00] stranger7XXX: oo
[05:02] greater_cynic: nice rack ha
[05:00] stranger7XXX: tapos, one night, 2 weeks ago....
[05:02] greater_cynic: o...
[05:02] greater_cynic: what happened two weeks ago?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: nag-a-update ako ng pornblog ko, naghahanap ako ng asian video na ipo-post ko, at lintek nag-pop-up ang (LINK DELETED) AT BUMULAGA SA HARAP KO ANG PICTURE NYA!!! NANDUN SYA, TOP OF THE PAGE!!!!!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: isn't that crazy or what?!?!?
[05:02] greater_cynic: wow
[05:00] stranger7XXX: putang inang ex ko, PORN STAR NA!!!
[05:02] greater_cynic: so you were banging a pornstar and you never had an idea
[05:02] greater_cynic: two thumbs up
[05:00] stranger7XXX: no, bago lang porn star yan, she became a pornstar after kami
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah
[05:02] greater_cynic: kahit na, two thumbs up pa rin
[05:02] greater_cynic: so, were you proud or something?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: nag-research nako, so far 2 movies na ginawa nya
[05:00] stranger7XXX: mixed emotions eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero ano mas lamang
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero good thing na hindi kami serious, kung serious eh walang pride akong mararamdaman non
[05:02] greater_cynic: pride? regret (kasi nag split kayo)
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pride
[05:00] stranger7XXX: regret, definitely not
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah, no pride kung naging serious kayo?
[05:02] greater_cynic: sabagay
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero may mixed na awa, at disappointment...
[05:00] stranger7XXX: kasi alam ko life story nya, and lately super gipit sila financially
[05:02] greater_cynic: hala, I wasn't thinking of awa and disappointment
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero now that you mentioned it
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah
[05:00] stranger7XXX: yun ang nagtulak sa kanya, gipit eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: filipina siya?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: i have both her full videos na
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hehe
[05:00] stranger7XXX: yeah, pinay
[05:02] greater_cynic: AYAN
[05:02] greater_cynic: so question
[05:02] greater_cynic: do you jerk off to your ex gf?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero grabe, 2nd video nya "Black InvAsian 2" ang title
[05:00] stranger7XXX: so u know what that means
[05:02] greater_cynic: yup
[05:00] stranger7XXX: actually, oo
[05:02] greater_cynic: that's going to be wide
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero it was weird
[05:02] greater_cynic: HALA
[05:02] greater_cynic: ANTULIS MO!!!
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
[05:02] greater_cynic: like, how weird?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: tagal kong hindi makapinawala eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero oo nga noh, kung iisipin mo
[05:02] greater_cynic: (like I would know)
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero yeah, it might be. HOW WEIRD ba?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: weird kasi imagine watching the girl i used to fuck all the time, is being fucked by some other dudes
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah
[05:00] stranger7XXX: tapos ungol, sigaw nya, moves nya, brought back the memories...parehong pareho eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero what makes it weirder is you're jacking off to the whole situation
[05:02] greater_cynic: WEIRD!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: kaya that night i discovered it, tinawagan ko sya
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero yeah, I think I might have an IDEA, pero nothing beats your story talaga
[05:02] greater_cynic: and what happened
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hindi ko pa inaamin
[05:00] stranger7XXX: sabi ko lang punta sya dito
[05:02] greater_cynic: and then
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pupunta naman, June daw
[05:00] stranger7XXX: at gagawa kami ng porn
[05:02] greater_cynic: do you think she knows na you know she's doing porn?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: gagawin ko talaga
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero she knows you have a porn blog?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: i don't think she knows
[05:00] stranger7XXX: wala akong binibigay na hint
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hindi rin nya alam na may pornblog ako
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah
[05:02] greater_cynic: so clean and wholesome ang image mo sa kanya
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pagdating na lang nya dito,sabihin ko, "Let's watch a movie". tapos ipe-play ko ang porn nya
[05:02] greater_cynic:
[05:00] stranger7XXX: da best yon
[05:02] greater_cynic: gagawin mo nga?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: yeah
[05:02] greater_cynic: di nga?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: oo nga
[05:02] greater_cynic: weh?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: kung pupunta sya
[05:02] greater_cynic: eh pano kung ibang reaction ang makita mo sa kanya
[05:00] stranger7XXX: shyet, i can't wait to see how she'd react
[05:02] greater_cynic: like shock maybe or
[05:00] stranger7XXX: yun nga eh, hindi ko alam
[05:00] stranger7XXX: bahala na, basta
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero one thing's for sure, hindi sya magagalit
[05:02] greater_cynic: keep the fingers crossed
[05:00] stranger7XXX: bakit sya magagalit?
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero you two had something going on diba
[05:00] stranger7XXX: oo
[05:02] greater_cynic: and it's not like she really wanted to become a pornstar in the first place
[05:00] stranger7XXX: oo nga
[05:00] stranger7XXX: well....
[05:02] greater_cynic: so pwede siyang magalit?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: noon pa pangarap na nya maging artista
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HA HAAAAAAAAA
[05:00] stranger7XXX: i guess natupad na pangarap nya
[05:02] greater_cynic: and you're the number one fan
[05:02] greater_cynic: waiting for an autograph ba
[05:00] stranger7XXX: korek, and soon, magiging "co-star" na nya )
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pwede!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: crazy diba?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: wild
[05:02] greater_cynic: sinabi mo pa
[05:02] greater_cynic: mas magiging crazy siguro pag nagkita na kayo ulit noh?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: i tell my story to everybody )
[05:00] stranger7XXX: with props
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pinapapunta ko dito sa bahay at pakita ang pics at videos
[05:02] greater_cynic: wow
[05:00] stranger7XXX: panget pag story lang eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: eh pano kung tinanong niya "Why are you showing me all this?"
[05:02] greater_cynic: pano na ang segue mo niyan ha idol
[05:00] stranger7XXX: "because I think this is very hott"
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pwede?
[05:02] greater_cynic: harsh!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: eh pano
[05:00] stranger7XXX: game yon eh
[05:02] greater_cynic: kasi if I was the girl noh, I'd think na you wanted us to meet to catch up on things or something
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ah ok
[05:02] greater_cynic: knowing na you two used to be a couple diba
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero shempre, we won't know pa rin
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero i HAVE TO show her the video!!!
[05:02] greater_cynic: MANYAK!
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HA HAAAAAA
[05:00] stranger7XXX: tapos nakabukas lang yung zipper ko, nakalabas na yung etits ko
[05:02] greater_cynic:
[05:00] stranger7XXX: "o kumusta na?" nakalabas yung etits
[05:02] greater_cynic: eh pano kung sinampal niya yung butotoy mo?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: pero i know, success to
[05:00] stranger7XXX: i know her
[05:02] greater_cynic: you feel it in your fingers?
[05:02] greater_cynic: you feel it in your soul?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: she'll give it to me good
[05:02] greater_cynic: kumanta ba?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: gusto mo download ang video nya?
[05:02] greater_cynic: nye, I don't like porn.
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ok
[05:02] greater_cynic: porn is bad
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HAH AAAA
[05:02] greater_cynic: straight porn is bad
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HAAAAA
[05:00] stranger7XXX: :-j
[05:02] greater_cynic: pero pretty siya ha
[05:00] stranger7XXX: roommate ko nga, gigil na gigil na
[05:00] stranger7XXX: yeah maganda sya
[05:02] greater_cynic: siguro she looks prettier this time kasi she's all glammed up na and everything noh?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: mas maganda sya with black hair
[05:02] greater_cynic: ah
[05:00] stranger7XXX: dun sa site makikita mo
[05:00] stranger7XXX: kaya lang (LINE DELETED)
[05:00] stranger7XXX: teka...
[05:02] greater_cynic: nako, baka mas mahirapan kang mag-muscle control niyan pag sobrang laki ng ginanda niya
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ay, hindi mo nga pala kita ang avatar
[05:02] greater_cynic: oo nga
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hindi naman malaki pagbabago
[05:02] greater_cynic: malay mo she has this newer appeal to her
[05:02] greater_cynic: more exciting, sexciting ika nga
[05:00] stranger7XXX: siguro nga
[05:00] stranger7XXX: "celebrity" aura nya
[05:02] greater_cynic: yeah
[05:00] stranger7XXX: naku can't wait talaga
[05:02] greater_cynic: sex appeal off the roof
[05:02] greater_cynic: kailan ulit kayo meet?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: punta sya mid-June daw
[05:02] greater_cynic: in two to three weeks na pala
[05:00] stranger7XXX: onga
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ....ikaw....
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ano yung role-playing story mo ha?!?!?
[05:02] greater_cynic: okay
[05:00] stranger7XXX: bago ba yan?
[05:02] greater_cynic: I was the character-actor
[05:02] greater_cynic: he was the director
[05:02] greater_cynic: and it was a kissing scene
[05:00] stranger7XXX: yung director hinalikan ang actor?
[05:02] greater_cynic: so ganito, I was supposed to be asleep, he's going to make me gapang, he's going to rape me, and I'd kiss back
[05:00] stranger7XXX: haha
[05:02] greater_cynic: ewan, I feel uncomfortable telling this to a straight guy
[05:00] stranger7XXX: eh hindi rape yon
[05:02] greater_cynic: HA HAAAA
[05:02] greater_cynic: "Lights Camera Action" and everything, scripts and props and all that good jazz
[05:00] stranger7XXX: dayyyymmm
[05:00] stranger7XXX: huge production ba?
[05:02] greater_cynic: sa kuwarto ko yun eh, we sort of improvised
[05:00] stranger7XXX: let me guess...u just met this guy?
[05:02] greater_cynic: nope
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ay mali
[05:02] greater_cynic: for less than a month na
[05:02] greater_cynic: he brings out the kinky in me
[05:00] stranger7XXX: let than a month?
[05:02] greater_cynic: (AMPANGET! HA HA HAAAAA)
[05:02] greater_cynic: make that a month
[05:00] stranger7XXX: eh bago nga lang
[05:00] stranger7XXX: sus naman to
[05:00] stranger7XXX: panget sya?
[05:02] greater_cynic: nope
[05:00] stranger7XXX: ah yung sinabi mo
[05:02] greater_cynic: I'm sure naman na you won't kiss ugly if you can help it davah?
[05:00] stranger7XXX: korek
[05:02] greater_cynic: and alam mo, sa kanya ko unang mag-try ng props
[05:02] greater_cynic: like syrup and edible stuff
[05:00] stranger7XXX: props = toys?
[05:02] greater_cynic: nope, edibles pa muna
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hanep
[05:00] stranger7XXX: malagkit yon
[05:02] greater_cynic: yeah, sobra
[05:02] greater_cynic: I never had that much syrup and spit on me before
[05:02] greater_cynic: kaya I'm not trying that again
[05:00] stranger7XXX: nadala na ba
[05:00] stranger7XXX: next time, fruits na lang
[05:02] greater_cynic: di naman, the sensation was excellent, pero medio unhygienic.
[05:02] greater_cynic: fruits
[05:02] greater_cynic: how much fruit can penetrate a guy diba? GROSS!
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hahaha
[05:00] stranger7XXX: upo
[05:00] stranger7XXX: patola
[05:00] stranger7XXX: langka
[05:02] greater_cynic: harsh!
[05:02] greater_cynic: langka, naalala ko tuloy yung joke with Saddam Hussein in hell
[05:00] stranger7XXX: oo nga
[05:02] greater_cynic: IDOL, kain lang
[05:00] stranger7XXX: sige
[05:00] stranger7XXX: log off nako
[05:02] greater_cynic: okay
[05:02] greater_cynic: save ko itong chat session ha
[05:00] stranger7XXX: hahah
[05:02] greater_cynic: for future reference
[05:00] stranger7XXX: sige

Quotes From To Wong Foo, Thanks for Everything! Julie Newmar

**This is my favorite gay film; I taught myself to snap in a circle because I believe that I am the poor man's Noxeema Jackson. That's Wesley Snipes in drag, case you didn't know, and he was so totally super fierce with the false eyelashes and the feather boa. Here are some quotes from this fantastic wealth of gay wisdom. Enjoy!

Noxeema Jackson

* Little latin boy in drag, why are you crying?
* ...like the Miami Sound Machine just exploded all over you.
o when asked 'How do I look?' by Chi-Chi.
* I ain't drivin' you no more, Miss Daisy!
* Why do I feel like I'm in the Macy's Day Parade?
* Your mother.
* Look, that child is latin. You don't want to gettin mixed up in all that latin mess. She might turn out to be a sandinista or something.
* I do not do the bus. You obviously have me mistaken for Miss Rosa Parks.
* Look at her, runnin' like she runnin' across the border.
* Oh no girlfriend, did you just do a U-ie?
* When a straight man puts on a dress and goes on a sexual kick he is a transvestite. When a man is a woman trapped in a man's body and has a little operation he is a Transsexual. When a gay man has way too much fashion sense for one gender he is a drag queen. And when a tired little Latin boy puts on a dress, he is simply a boy in a dress!
* Check yourself Loretta, before you wreck yourself!
* If you want to let them know that there is steak for dinner, you got to let them hear it sizzle!


Chi-Chi Rodriguez

* The seats are like butter!
* We were so poor my parents married for the rice.
* I'm a princess! P to the R to the N to the cess!
* When Noxema asks 'Why do I feel like I'm in the Macy's Day Parade?'
* Cause you're as big as a float.
* I didn’t ask to come on this trip, did I? No, I don’t think so! Did I ask for you to be making me over, jump through all kinds of hoops like some kind of circus poodle? No, I don’t think so! And do I want to go to jail because of some cop killer? No, I don’t think so! So as soon as we get to the next town, I’m jumping on the first man and I’m riding him all the way to New York City and away from you two puckered up stuck up puntas because this trip sucks! It sucks!
* Vida, you know, you're not a queen because you rule people, or you sit on a throne, baby. You're a queen because you couldn't cut it as a man so you had to put on a dress, that's why.
* I decly ! ( I declare! )
* I love rough necks, tell me if I was your bread would you be my butter.
* Uptight cellulite dinosaur fossil face white honky cracker witch!
* lord grant me the serenity to accept that im am im just a boy in a dress and the courage to change with the fashions and the wisdom to know the difference
* I'm the latina Marilyn Monroe. I've got more legs than a bucket of chicken!


Vida Boheme

* Internal combustion, the ultimate accessory.
* What in gay hell?
* We are three young career girls...
* Now shes going to get herself kidnapped by some mountain man and we will have to go rescue her!
* Operation Decorator Storm...
* That's possibly-dead Sheriff Dullard!
* (In normal male voice) Get your hand off my DICK, buddy!

Thanks to WikiQuotes.
And who in the world is Julie Newmar?
And here's a list of my other favorite movies!

How to Make Expandable Posts in Blogger (A Tribute)

**As space saving as zip locs.

I know it's off topic, but here's the golden link to what can be the most space saving piece of HTML code. Presenting, How to Make Expandable Posts in Blogger by HTML goddess No Fancy Name. Again, I am not taking no credit for this, I wouldn't know how to write code if my life depended on the thing. I'm just grateful to her for helping us bloggers who need to economize their front pages.

Here's the link:
How to Make Expandable Posts in Blogger

And here's her new place:
Battle of the Ants

From what I know, this blog is no longer active, and she has moved to this new place. But its still there for posterity AND REFERENCE, and it has never left my roll for very obvious reasons. I've been using this code for more than a year now, and it's always been a charm. At least on the classic blogger format.

Hope this helps!

The Bitter Pill Speech

**These are snippets of the consuming speech that finally unhinged all those six years. I'm trying, but it's hard to write this now, because the withdrawal symptoms are surfacing to harass my every effort. And, simultaneously, I'm trying to remember how I delivered this, to him yesterday afternoon. And how he said the words I badly needed to hear. I know the delivery killed me twice in passing, thrice even, come to think of it, but I need to hang on to the littlest detail, however hurtful and masochistic and unkind, because this is all I have left.

That being said, allow me to let slip a most shallow and pathetic defense - See, a man with tattoos has got to have something to demonstrate, otherwise, it's all for show.

And I chose to keep this as a buried post because I can't have this glaring at me. And I really said everything in The Speech, and I never realized until now that reading can be so brave.

START OF SPEECH


ME: Gusto kita, totoo, pero alam mo naman itong lagay ko, at alam ko rin namang hindi puwede. Ilang taon ko rin tong tinago, dineny, at ngayong kausap na kita ulit eh sabihin mo na rin, gusto ko sa yo na manggaling, na hindi talaga puwede at walang mangyayari sa atin talaga. Uulitin mo lang yung sinabi mo nung huling nag-usap tayo sa telepono (that was about three years back in 2007, and that was the first defeat), ulitin mo lang yun kung naalala mo pa, at sabihin mo ng malinaw, para maging klaro sa akin.

(DELETED PART FOLLOWS, I wrote this, true, but I left it out, didn't have to tell him, didn't see the need, all too fucking self-defeating if you ask me)

ME: Pero hindi naman ibig sabihin nun eh wala na tong ganitong nag-uusap tayo. Nasa sa iyo yun. Heto, masaya ko sa ganito, gusto ko malinaw sa yo yun. Ayoko lang ng may inaasahan ako na wala naman talaga dapat. Mayroon akong ulterior motive, oo, pero alam ko namang walang mangyayari doon, at habang wala akong naririnig sa yo eh sa palagay ko hindi mawawala iyon. Kaya heto at pinaghandaan ko na ito, itong SONAng ito, para maging malinaw na at maging klaro na talaga. At nang mahugutan na rin ako ng tinik. Kaya yun, ano masasabi mo?

(HE ANSWERS WITH THE EXPECTED RESPONSE AT THIS POINT. Yeah, I even included the theatric sequence. How drama-queen is that?)

ME: Yaan, yan lang ang gusto ko marinig. Edi tapos, hindi na ako uma-asa, hindi na ako hoping. At least ngayon eh klaro na talaga sa kin ang lagay ko, dapat lang, at puwede ko na tigilan ang mga daydream ko. Haay salamat (sigh). Osha, babay!

(LONG PAUSE for the effect)

ME: Haha! Hoy tanga, andian ka pa? (This was supposed to represent the comic relief that I knew I needed at this point, but I was all too knee deep in all this drama to even try. Which is why this was deleted)

(END OF DELETED PART)

(CONTINUATION OF ACTUAL DELIVERED SPEECH, written on a separate piece of paper because this was further inspired later that same day, 08/10/2010)

ME: Naalala mo ung nag-usap tayo sa phone kailan lang? Yung 9pm to 4am? Na-realize ko na heto na naman ulit ako eh. Hindi ako normal pagdating sa iyo. Kasi kahit papaano, kahit sa tinagal ng pagkakataon na di tayo nagpang-abot eh bumabalik pa rin sa akin ang expectation sa mga pagkakataong andian ka na ulit. Nagiging makulit ako, nawawala ako sa huwisyo, palagi akong may ini-intindi pagdating sa yo. Hindi ako ganito, hindi dapat ganito, ayoko ng ganito ako at wala akong control sa sarili ko. Kaya ang hiling ko eh ang marinig sa yo, in the most final and decisive tone, na tigilan ko na dahil walang mangyayari at ipagpaliban ko na ito ng tuluyan hanggang sa dumating ang pagkakataong mawala na sa akin ang lahat ng mga kababawang to.

ME: Yun ang gusto ko, yun lang, at hangga't maari eh dagdagan mo ng puwersa at conviction ang pagkakasabi mo, please?

(HE DELIVERS THE EXPECTED RESPONSE. And I took it all in, like the man, the defeated man, I have always been, and I tried to conceal the hurt that I knew will be there, but my own heaving sighs betrayed the goddamned charade and I was all too fucked for my own good.)

(CONTINUATION OF ACTUAL DELIVERED SPEECH. This is the height of masochism, the salt that is rubbed with sadistic glee to my self-inflicted wounds. This part, however, was never scripted, unrehearsed, a most damaging improvisation that I know I should be regretting)

ME: And, kung puwede lang, sana huwag mo na kong ine-entertain, sa kahit anong medium pa. Please, para sa akin, para di na ako magka-ganito ulit.

(ALL EXTEMPORANEOUS FROM THIS POINT ON)

HIM: Panong entertain?

ME: Ganito, ganitong nag-uusap tayo.

HIM: Yan ba talaga ang gusto mo? Oo o hindi?

ME: Hindi ko masabing Oo, hindi ko rin masabing hindi, pero sa palagay ko eh mas mabuti kong oo, para na rin sa akin. (I say this in retrospect - Eh?)

HIM: Okay.

(I remember these parts all too vividly. This was unnecessary, but it was the final disintegration I didn't know if I needed.)

The Six-Year Talk that I pursued, persuaded even, culminated in an exchange of Thank Yous and Im Sorrys at this point, and then we promptly hang up. I never heard from him since then, which was good, because it was the sick vision- mission behind this masochistic exercise.

August 11, 2010

He Finally Came Out of His Closet

**I'm not writing this to offend you, though. Cheers to you.

It was one of those hand me down stories, the "a friend of a friend told me" sort. But, like most scandals are, it never lost its appeal. One of my friends, after twenty something years, admitted to his being gay. Thing is, he requested to have his confession kept in complete discretion as his admission was still a blood compact short of a top military secret. It was like he decided he was gay, but he's still thinking about it.

This doesn't mean that its a completely retractable confession. For real. You don't come out of the closet, and then wish you can come back into hiding. You might not know it, but when you say you're gay, you are saying it with the finality of a heart attack. Contrary to popular (make believe) belief, there's no gray area to it. That's a gay myth, and whether you like it or not, your admission's as flaming pink as it gets. You can't be gay and "discretely bisexual" about it; that's as grammatically impossible as a double dead chicken.

But then again, don't mind what I just said. Bullshitting is my element, and I'm totally in character. To tell you the truth, my baptism of fire was no more comfortable, my induction was really an awful bother, and I will be writing about it soon. I get it, and I understand; you're not completely prepared to shed your heterosexual shell. I'm not in no authority to tell you how gay you should be after your admission. I'm not the gay police. That's Jovit Moya.

I've known him for some twenty something years, and I was right all along. He was always Chun Li or Storm whenever we had those play fights as kids, and that lingering memory had this steadfast persuasion on my judgment. I tell you now that his confession was a perfect I told you so moment. And, being so, I was never offended by the fact that I missed the confession straight from the horse's mouth. I would have made fun of his relief anyway. I mean, that's how I play with my grown up gay friends.

Related Links:
Who in fucking gay hell is Jovit Moya? (Taglish)
Seriously, who in fucking gay hell is this faggot Jovit Moya?

Horror Movie Review #22: Jason Goes to Hell

JASON GOES TO HELL
Directed By: Adam Marcus
Release Date: 13 August 1993
Running Time: 87 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Jason Voorhees
Sex? - Oh hell yeah
Gore? - The finest

A successful entrapment operation finally gets the better of Camp Crystal's Jason Voorhees. It commences in a noisy explosion of bullet wounds, severed limbs, and a gory rain of entrails. Jason Voorhees was dead. And the reason why he didn't stay dead is mostly due to this coroner who took a possessed liking to Jason's dismembered heart, although altogether beating, and promptly ate it. The spirit of Jason Voorhees, in all its malevolent essence, promptly transfers itself to this poor gourmand, and unleashes another interesting installation in the Friday the 13th Series.

It's Jason Voorhees. The crazy kill scenes in all their hilarious creativity are bound to follow.

Momel's Rating: 3/5