Friday, January 28, 2011

How to Kill John Lloyd Cruz. Or How to Kill Luis Manzano. Or How to Kill Shaina Magdayao.

This was originally titled Suggested Causes of Death for Future Star Cinema Movies, but then I elected to publish the How to Kill title instead because it is simultaneously simple and playful. Meanwhile, I wasn't about to post this yet, but I saw My Amnesia Girl on a fifty-peso DVD (wonderful clarity, I should add), and I elected to post this now.

I Love You, Goodbye was a good film with an okay story of doubtful originality. They killed Derek Ramsey in this car accident. Fine. This reminds me of another Star Cinema production, In My Life, whose glittering ensemble included Luis Manzano, John Lloyd Cruz, and Vilma Santos. In it, Luis Manzano recovers from colon cancer (what a sick joke), but gets hit by a car on his way home.

The cancer didn't kill him, but the hit and run did.

I was fucking pissed.


I have nothing against Star Cinema. They have some of the most promising denial princes and princesses in the business. And my favorite closet queens are in their shining roster too! It's just that those hit and run scenes gave me this head-on collision of ideas on how they should kill their future characters.

1. Death by Choking

This will work lovely on Luis Manzano. That big mouth of his will hold a lot of food, more than his throat will be able to accommodate. His massive pie hole makes him an ideal candidate. Have you seen that doughnut commercial where he placed a whole doughnut in his mouth without even batting an eyelash? He should have friends who know the Heimlich maneuver. Oh no, scratch that. It defeats the point.

2. Death by Erotic Asphyxiation

In My Life was a gay-oriented film. They should have capitalized.

Erotic asphyxiation is the intentional restriction of oxygen to the brain for sexual arousal. It is also called asphyxiophilia, autoerotic asphyxia, hypoxyphilia, or breath control play. Colloquially, a person engaging in the activity is sometimes called a gasper



I wrote about Erotic Asphyxiation as an excuse for calling in sick for work. You can read it here.

3. Death by Drowning

Imagine Derek Ramsey's dead body being fished out of some large body of water. And he's wearing this killer pair of Speedos. Oh, they should drown him just for that priceless scene alone.



4. Death by Any Non-Specific Autoerotic Fatality and Simultaneous Vaginismus
Autoerotic fatalities are deaths that occur during sexual activity when an action, chemical, device or prop that is being employed to enhance physical or psychological stimulation causes the death.
They say it is an extremely rare phenomenon, that lovely dog lock, but it happened to that no-talent bitch Shaina Magdayao. They might as well take it up a notch and follow that up with another crazy idea. Let's say the dude dies from some random autoerotic fatality, suppose he chokes on a dildo, and then his penis gets locked in Shaina's venus fly trap. She then wonders why the forward thrusts have stopped. She looks back at him, and she faints. The dude died in extreme pleasure, this odd grin plastered to his face as they managed to finally pull out his cock in St Lukes. His penis was violet then.

5. Death by Vagina Dentata
And why the hell not? What's not to adore about a killer cunt with fangs? Of course, they won't die from a cut penis because they can always stitch that back like what they did to John Wayne Bobbitt. What will happen is that he will be bound by ropes as he's lying down on a stretcher, and then the vengeful lover, say Kim Chiu, will do woman on top. She will leave him to die from excessive blood loss.

Speaking of which, I did a movie review of Teeth, and it was largely ignored.
You can read it here if you want to.


6. Death by Spontaneous Human Combustion

Won't somebody please give that JimGirl creature a movie already? And please kill him during the opening credits. Preferably of this. No script, no acting, just stand still, you faggot, and let the special effects team work their magic.


7. Death by Rabies
Just because of it's cruel nature. Think about it -- Jimgirl (they should draft this faggot if only for the kill scenes) dies crazy and hydrophobic, and that's not because he's drowning in saliva. The fact that I am personally terrified of this disease makes it, in my own estimation, a good scary movie.


8. Death by Embarrassment
I know dying of embarrassment is a figure of speech, but think about it. Props to the genius writer who can actually pull this one off! It's such a shame, really, that both John Lloyd and Shaina lived through that incident. They would have been perfect for research and development. Ahaha, John Lloyd pulled that off. Funny.


9. Death by Dismemberment
Or, in honor of the enjoyable cruelty of the 90s, Death by Chop Chop. By the same remembrance, our hero/heroine will be kidnapped. They don't do this anymore. I miss those rescue scenes where our hero and his weakling friends invade this steel warehouse and fight the bad guys with pieces of wood. And they always win even though they're always outnumbered and out-gunned. And they celebrate with this dance number in the beach or some resort. Anyway, nobody pays attention to the ransom because the kidnap victim is not John Lloyd Cruz and can easily be replaced. Almost everybody else in Star Studios is obsolete, dog-locked or otherwise. And the dismemberment, the chop chop, will be a devilish metaphor of their likely fate in show business. They should get a hint.

10. Suicide by Masturbation
Just because it's wicked funny in an autopsy report. Cause of Death: Suicide by Masturbation. And they'll be employing this in a gay-oriented film, like the Manay Po series that sucked a big cock on its way to oblivion hell. We homos have the combined horny of both genders, so we are the likeliest candidates.


Now if you liked that list, then you will definitely love this:

24 comments:

  1. love the brutality.

    without batting an eyelash (ala luis manzano)

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  2. What is your problem with JimGirl? I seriously want him to make it in showbiz. He's a gem. There's this one time he joined a game segment in a noontime show where he had to go through an obstacle course (wig, bonnet and all), part of which required him to do some Math. The question was "17 + 4 - 11" or something like that.

    He refused to answer.

    I think Star Cinema should come up with one movie where all the aforementioned stars would die in one big explosion.

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  3. Kiks -- Aw hell, you know that comes with the territory! Do you think he's really gay? Seriously, my gaydar's so poor, it's Cherry mobile.

    Glentot -- I am actually praying for providence to blow in his general direction. Please give him a movie already so we can watch him die a couple of times?

    Amen to the explosion idea. But then, they'll have to brainstorm which Hollywood film they need to rip off to make that happen.

    Cheers Kiks and Glentot! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  4. Momel, you're mind is so... barbaric. Haha. Have your ever thought of adding "Death my Infection caused by an Ingrown"? That could be a talk of the town, haha.

    Kidding aside... (am I joking cause I found my jokes... plain corney.)

    Naging aware ako sa term na 'Erotic Asphyxiation' nung napanood ko yung Ken Park. Nalurkey lang ako, pero mukhang masayang gawin LOL.

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  5. Yes to Erotic Asphyxiation.
    I saw Ken Park too. It's worth watching if only for that scene.
    Kabog ang Taboo.

    Here's wishing Shaina multiple orgasm. Cheers!

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  6. Fan pa naman ako ni JL. HAHAHA!

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  7. Suicide by Masturbation FTW! Imagine that plus Derek on Speedo floating on a pool while choking on.. something.

    I remember almost stopping the DVD player when I was watching Teeth because I find penises being cut off entirely disturbing. It made me cover my pants, attempting to protect my man down there from a movie-induced irking, several times.

    Now imagine Jimgirl on Speedos. :)

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  8. the current commercial cinema is one big carnival of sorts and we seem to have no choice but to sit through one shitty movie after another. we get to be lulled up by recycled movie plots starring this generation's crappy crop of fake terpsichoreans whose face values are indirectly proportional to the size of that thing between their ears. we are bombarded by the same shit every different day (shameless blog-plugging, yes! :p ) and what's upsetting is we can't do anything to get rid of the entire boring rigmarole. whether john lloyd mongoloid and tangina magdayao did screw it up (pun intended) is beside the point. they give vaginismus a bad name. star cinema should do a remake of the infamous teeth. oh, and yes, i never knew luis manzano is gay until after reading this big blahg of bullshit. as for the boy who used the midget who used the boy who turned out to be a girl to be the laughingstock of this sick, sick local entertainment, you aptly said it already: the faggot must die!

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  10. Seems like you have a lot of pent up energy, Momel. I actually like Shaina, John Lloyd, et al. And I see nothing wrong with the large tendency for them to die via vehicular accidents. Nothing wrong at all. lol

    I was gonna say something witty about Kim Chiu's secret fangs but then the idea of Derek floating carelessly in a pair of ridiculously tight Speedos calmed me down. so there.

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  11. Anonymous11:50 AM

    it has dawned to me a long time ago that philippine cinema is a myth while philippine showbiz is upscale 'perya'.

    i don't think edith hamilton mentioned star cinema in her book and i don't dwell on legends beyond greek and nordic.

    P.S. Death to all closet queens! ahahaha

    Bryan Stars

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  12. Ahh, just the right kind of lovely!

    Ronnie -- Does that uncouth behavior turn you off, love? Aha, "Death my Infection caused by an Ingrown!" Let's move on. Ahaha, I checked Ken Park on wikipedia, and girl, was it fucked or what?

    Try this one time: Call in sick for work and then tell them its Erotic Asphyxiation. It works best if you try to sound muffled while you're on the phone.

    Orally -- You're wishing Shaina multiple orgasms? You actually want her to be pleasured? Aw shit, am I barking at the wrong tree? Tell me you're being sarcastic.

    Tsina -- That makes two of us, but really, girl, is that it? I find your comment a little unhinged, off, missing. Did you even bother to read what I wrote? I will be updating my blog roll, soon.

    Vajarl -- Oh hell yeah! Ahaha, you watched Teeth and Battle Royale? And you know Pokemon, too! We can be kindred spirits, but your imagination covers Jimgirl on Speedos, and I can't adhere to that.


    Cheers Ronnie, Orally, Tsina and Vajayjay! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  13. I'm loving my readership all the more. Look at all this darling angst!

    Lio Loco -- It was too flowery, but I couldn't have said it better myself! You are angry eloquence in a straight guy's person. Ahhh, we can do something about it, and that's what I'm doing now -- make fun of these dipshits until it's no longer satisfying. I do like John Lloyd Cruz though; everybody else can go to hell in that handbasket.

    Ahaha, I will now be scouring the internet for third world bloggers like you, Lio Loco, and I will be adding them to my blog roll. You are a golden addition to my readership.

    How You doing? Have you Worked things up yet?

    Nyl -- Oh you better believe it. That abrasive sense of humor reinforces my thinking machine. That has been encouraging posts like this since 2004, so you can say that I have that kind of energy to thank for the doubtful longevity of this blog.

    Yeah!

    Amigang Bry --

    I was supposed to comment on this Facebook Note (yes, I saw it first on FB), but I elected to check my blog first and see what's cracken. Same eloquence! And how very appropriate! I was supposed to write something in return, in FB, but I chose to reserve my ideas -- I still believe in Philippine Cinema, but I give Philippine Showbiz the finger.

    And when I say Cinema, I'm referring to the near-mythical status of those golden years of old. Today's artistas are recruited on a Face First, Talent Last basis. How is that entertaining when appearances fade?

    I love the Edith Hamilton reference. I need a new copy for my bookshelf. Thanks for reminding me, amiga!

    Cheers Lio Loco, Nyl, and Amigang Bry! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  14. I'm so impressed with your insane abrasive ideas Momel. Love it!

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  15. Momel! I missed going here for a week because of that nasty flu bug or whatever it is that made all of us in the family sick. (My little girl has yet to recover.) will be back to read those that I missed. Just dropped a line to say hi. (Ay mahaba na pala kesa Hi ang sinabi ko.)

    Hope everything is well. This new post definitely I have to read. mwah!

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  16. Oh wow!

    Ate Mayet -- So familiar, and yet so fresh! Ah, thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment! Who knew you'd appreciate the shit that I write? This is such a pleasant surprise!

    Kaye -- The only thing transmissible in this here blog is the kind of bullshit principles I serve. I take it you're doing well now? Let me know if you're still interested in getting your Twisted 9 ha? I still have it.

    Cheers Ate Mayet and Kaye! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  17. i often imagine all the boys of ASAP having this big orgy and out of nowhere one of the girls (say Bea Alonzo) enters the scene naked, and all the boys die of extreme eurotophobia...


    but i like your ideas better.... all, unforgiving! hahahahaha

    and yes dear... include the local boys in the list of treasures of Bolinao....

    dark, hard, rough and aggressive. just the way i like 'em....

    (papatayin ako ni Glenn, sabihin nanaman niya, binaboy ko ang kanyang hometown... bwahahahaha)

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  18. Ok, I finally read this one while on my way home last night, using my phone. Imagine! nag-adik na naman ako at binasa ko to kahit selepono lang ang gamit ko at maliliit lang ang letra. haha!

    number two is iskeri. I can't imagine anybody having an orgasm through asphyxiation but I've heard of this before, or maybe watched an episode of CSI dealing with this kind of death. But I guess that's literally dying in bliss, no?

    You certainly killed me with number 6. Ahahahha! Jimgirl, it is. I didn't know who this creature was until Boy Abunda finally introduced him as someone who has decided to "come out." Akala ko naman kung sinong sikat na nilalang. Yung dating object of desire pala ni Mahal. Hehe.

    Now, you can call me naive, but did that thing really happen between John Lloyd and Shaina? Seriously? Ok I just read your other post. And because I am a worshipping fan, I believe what you said there. :-D

    In any case, no matter how I relish the thought of these people dying of embarrassment, I guess that won't do for Filipinos. We're a shameless lot.

    Oy, of course I still want the Twisted book. I just have a problem with going to Manila from time to time kasi taga-bundok lang ako :-( But I haven't forgotten your promise...I will collect one of these days, until then, please hold on to that precious copy for me. :-)

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  19. YJ -- The orgy idea is damn wicked, but you had to add a girl in. They could all die of boredom or something; I suppose they all have the littlest dicks in QC. Ahaha! Them Bolinao boys are quality! Perhaps I should do a little ... sightseeing myself.

    Kaye -- Ahaha, adik is the word. Word! And yeah, JimGirl will be my unofficial whipping bitch. We'll see. I'm still waiting for Judiel Nieva's next pathetic punch at popularity. Worshipping fan? Oh dear, Kaye, you darling punk -- that is so heartwarming-est!

    And yeah, the Twisted Book's still with me, and it has your name on it.

    Cheers YJ and Kaye! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  20. 3oW P0HZ! HinDi PoWz HaLaTa n4 HinDee PowZ kaU G4l3t KeY JimGurl.

    ahahahahahaa

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  21. you have a lot of hate going out to star studio. lol. i kinda like shaina.

    but i'm with you on jimgirl. he besmirches the LGBT. tangina niya lang talaga.

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  22. ahaha!!! saw a jimgirl video on youtube...BLEH!!

    how are you, friend? :)

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  23. Malditz -- Fucking shit, buti na lang eh hunks ka. Hunkymon kumbaga.

    Nishi -- Oh you got it wrong, punk. I have a lot of hate for the current state of Philippine Cinema. There are a few exceptions, of course, but I hate it on its generally talentless wholesome.

    Jeh -- Heto, I'm missing your fat, fat self. Wahaha, I kid! Amishu!


    Cheers Bhie, Nishi, and Jeh! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  24. Ayoko kasi mag-comment tungkol sa ganyan. =p

    ReplyDelete

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