Monday, January 17, 2011

How to Offend the Christians, the Filipinos, and a Minority With Fiction

**Forgive me God if I made You look like an Idiot. This was a passing fancy, and I swear that I commandeered my highly decorated adjectives to fall in because I was trying to make You look way cool at the same time. Meanwhile, there is a lesson to be had in this failed composition. And that goes out specifically to us bloggers.

On the eighth day, God created the Ego.

But He left that project alone, neglected if you may, because it was an utter waste of Divine energies. There is no advantage in the Ego. There is no benefit in owning one. An ivory elephant, in all its beauty and grandiose upkeep, will still have its share of beholders and admirers. Meanwhile, the Ego will have a steady fan base of one, and it will be just as expensive to maintain. Furthermore, God found out, because He is all-knowing and all-seeing and all that wonderful Goddishness, that the Ego is a devilish catalyst to unbelievable feats of pride and shamelessness that he completely abandoned that insidious undertaking altogether.

He then remembers that, like Hayden Kho, the Ego was the Devil's idea anyway. The latter suggested this "wonderful innovation to your most intelligent creation" on the seventh day. They were chillaxing then.

And so it goes that God discontinued the Ego and designed its destruction. He thundered this awful pit, and buried the Ego along with several of his major disappointments. These failures include Mahal's ex-boyfriend-turned-tasteless-drag-queen Jim Girl, that talentless scourge to Filipino Action Movies named Mikee Arroyo, his parents, the Ampatuans, the as-duplicitous-as-she-is-over-acting Mariel Rodriguez, and the PCOS machine. The aforementioned clawed their way out of this fetid prison, and, by and by, became Embarassments to the Proud, "Tabo"-Wielding Filipino people.

The Ego was left alone in that dreadful pit. It was then tangible, but, because it was this limbless mass of curdled pus, it had nothing to employ for its salvation. It died in that pit, and God was relieved.

But the Almighty was not taking any chances. Several of his greatest disappointments have escaped and are destined to raise hell in the Philippines. He then commissioned the Devil to take the Ego's remains so it can burn forever. "Trash the damned thing," the Almighty boomed, and in consequence, the Ego was the first officially Goddamned thing. Now, in what can be the rarest display of obedience, the Devil complied. But he was then busy planting fixers in the Department of Foreign Affairs in Pasay City; those motherfuckers are as old as time if you should know. He was, then, too distracted to pay full attention to his ordained office that he took to his duty half heartedly. What the Devil did, though, was that he took this handful of brimstone and emptied his palms in the Ego's grave.

The Ego burned, for sure. But it was a mistake, an Almighty mistake, mind you, and by their very nature, mistakes linger. It turns out that the Ego, like sin, cannot be completely disposed of. It burned, sure it did, and it was a massive heap of black ashes by the time the brimstone had performed its appointment. But it didn't perish in the way that dead things stay completely dead. Because there was movement in the midst of the Ego's pitch black remains.

The Ego's divine architecture was moving to the whims of an infernal blueprint. It's ashes squirmed in this hideous dance, the Macarena, as it took this familiar shape. It looks as if, no, it was turning into what looked like God's greatest, vainest creation.

The Ego's ashen remains became human. But it's conception was damnation, and it's engineering had such detestable influences. it's thought processes were wired with an affluence of pointless bitchfits and rhetoric nonsense. Furthermore, these were reinforced by this unprecedented degree of self-entitlement and a knack for shameless self-promotion. And it was armed with this most curious artifact, an HP laptop that came with this intermittent DSL connection because it was powered by Globe. And it had a Google account, too.

Alas, from the Ego's rot was born the first blogger.


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This was another failed entry for Ms Jessica Zafra's LitWit Challenge 4.3. The task was to create a story about Metamorphosis, and this is what I submitted. It didn't win because it was profuse with the adverbs (bad habit, next to too much adjectives), and I made God look like an idiot. And my love life's still a defeated mess. Five years down the drain because of some goddamn... But I suppose this submission is relevant enough for publication. At least in this here blahg of bullshit, where most everything of bad taste is relevant.


**One of the many reasons why I keep submitting to Jessica Zafra's challenges is because of the feedback. We can all use a writing tip. And more practice. And a banging sex life. And zero transmissible diseases. Again, this is all fiction, so don't get your panties in a fucking bunch.

12 comments:

  1. and the devil that created Hayden Kho is no other than Katrina "Halimaw" Halili... yaiy....

    you should see this particular bloggers' group page in FB (which i am a part of hahahaha), how some of the members shamelessly endorse their latest entries and desperately asking everybody to like them... acting like their blogs are their greatest achievement ever... nakakaloka!

    oh well, hindi siguro nadevelop ang mga egos nila at na stuck lang sila sa id.... kaya mga papansin... gaya ko! :))

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  2. Can't you see? You didn't win because J-Zaf, like God, didn't want to spoil you... It would suck if you kept on winning haha... just kidding...

    The last challenege she didn't want to judge... the Yucch-meter is broken? sayang sumali pa naman ako. And you voted for me! Thanks!!! Masarap siguro yung ube no hahahaha.

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  3. Hutahenang picture ni Jim Girl yan nakakairita much.

    Teka Momel, sa totoo lang hindi ko alam ang sasabihin after ko basahin. Siguro dahil basag basag ako. Pero para dun sa Globe na connection, walang laban yan sa bwakanang SmartBro. Tubuan sana sila ng thumbtacks sa talukap ng eyes nila.

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  4. Again, my darling punks, this is all in the name of an idle mind's malicious engineering. Anuman yun, shet! Ahaha!

    YJ -- Aw, I think Glenn mentioned that bloggers group page in FB once (in a meet up. Fantastic ube, by the way), and I made this most disapproving face. What heights, or depths, or shamelessness! I have no intention of doing further research, or a friend search, or a group search, on that pitiful conglomeration. I could better use my time masturbating. Or plucking my leg hairs. Which is such devilish fun once you get the hang of it!

    Glentot -- You can't spoil an already rotten thing. That would have been such a disgusting, smelly mess. But I suppose I can live with that. Oi, I disagree with the spoiling and the keeping on winning idea. She has written something about favoritism before, and I'm sure glad she did. I like her ideas all the more.

    Oi! Binoto kita kasi tuwang tuwa ako sa kuwento mo tungkol kay Leon! Oo, masarap yung ube, pero walang kinalaman yun sa boto ko no. Patrol na patrol yung boto na yun!

    Vajarl -- Basahin mo ulit para magkaroon ka ng mas palung palong feedback. Nakakaloka at nauwi sa Globe versus SmartBro ang comment mo eh. Ahaha!

    Cheers YJ, Glenn, Vajarl! Mabuhay Kayo and Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  5. Momel! Thanks for rooting for me!

    If you'd check the Litwit challenge post (the original, where we posted entries), some guy made a comment about me and I do not like it. I did not understand it (dahil parang wrong grammar) but the tone sounded off to me.

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  6. Glentot -- Ui, oo naman noh! And I checked that comment, and it sounded dumb, like he was sufferring for the right words. Maybe he's being choked as he was writing that comment. Don't mind that. You need more votes, but I suppose you can't use your influence on Madame's site. That would be cheaa-ting.

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  7. I love all the comparisons to the Philippine culture. :)

    Sigh, I'm a big failure in writing in this way so sumasamba ako sa kagalingan mo :))

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  8. ahlavet, idol! I think where Ego fits into Genesis is in that stupid fruit Adam & Eve ate. One bite gave us rationalization, reality principles, and a sense of self that gets a little bloated when we try to cover our nekkidness/vulnerability sometimes

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  9. Sugary Ichigo -- Oi, OA ka ha, makasamba ka naman dian!
    Talo nga eh. Pero okay lang yun, kasi maganda naman yung feedback ni Madame. Alam mo, Ichigo (haysowlavthat, kailangan kong balikan ang pagma-marathon ko), practice lang ng practice. Read more books. And it should be the kind of books that you like. Halimbawa ako, I love doing comic stuff. I imagine that I am funny, at times, and that's a reflection of the kind of books that I purchase or solicit. And while we're at it, never plagiarize. That's the kind of thing that an unwashed imbecile will do.

    At heto pa isa mong puwedeng gawin. Dahil sa ansarap sa nipples ng namesake mo eh isa pang "advice." Sumali ka sa LitWit Challenges ni Madame. Manalo o matalo ka man eh siguradong may writing tip siya sa iyo. Hindi ako bayad sa pagsusulat. Libangan lang to pag halimbawang nangangalay na ang kamay ko sa kafi-finger. Sa kanya ka talaga makinig dahil siya ang nag-iisang Jessica Zafra. Wag mo ko mashadong pakinggan. Kupal ako. Ahaha!

    Heto ang site niya. May bago siyang LitWit challenge.

    jessicarulestheuniverse.com

    Di muna ko sasali sa LitWit challenge. Pag may lovelife na ulit ako. Ansasama kasi ng themes at ng ideas ko nitong huli eh, feeling ko di ko pa kayang buhayin si Pussy Kamagong. Dito na lang muna ko magsusulat.

    Johnny Cursive -- Uy thanks! Idol talaga? Goodboy na to-its brad. Bago umaksyon, proteksyon! And you paid attention to it? You referred to the Old Testament! You rock!

    Cheers Sugary Ichigo and Johnny Cursive! Mabuhay kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  10. Haha, salamat sa napakahaba mong comment na ikinagulat ng brain cells ko. Totoo namang humahanga ako eh, hirap kasi ako sumulat ng ganyan kahit gusto ko.

    *startcommercial|oo, kailangan ko na rin balikan ang bleach. balita ko may chever na nangyari kay Aizen :>|endcommercial*

    Naku, naghihirap na nanay at tatay ko dahil sa libro. Nangangain ako ng libro eh, nakaka3 ako sa isang araw minsan. Baka naman may marerecommend ka? Wala akong balak patusin ang kinagigiliwan ng lahat ngayon na Twilight. Blech.

    Mapuntahan nga yang si Jessica minsan. Mukhang interesante. Pero baka 1 taon pa bago ko magawa yan. May irreparable brain damage pa rin ako bunga ng paghithit ng formalin na pinangligo sa bangkay na dinutdot ko ng isang semestre. Haha. :)

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  11. Sugary Ichigo -- Aiiyihee, salamat at talaga namang nakakataba ng puso yan. Sa sobrang taba ay parang may dede na ako. Linya yan ng isa sa mga idol kong bloggers, si Ms Mandaya Moore. Say NO to Plagiarism. Acknowledge! At dahil hindi rin ako papakabog ay meron din akong commercial:

    ♫YC Bikini Briefs
    ♫YC Bikini Briefs
    ♫YC Bikini Briefs
    ♫For the man who packs a wallop

    Ayun, si Aizen! Yung bastardong commander. Heto na. Babalik na akong St Francis upang bumili ng pirated na DVD ng BLEACH. Ahaha, its a tie tayo dian sa piece of shit "literature" na Twilight na yan. Actually, isa yan sa mga series na bina-bash dun sa site ni Madama Jessica Zafra. You should go ahead and visit her shrine. I have this feeling that you will find a kindred spirit or two in her vast army of subscribers.

    Books? Oh hell yeah. Here are some of my favorites:

    1. Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy. This title has five installations, and they're all riots.
    2. Jessica Zafra's TWISTED Series. Nine installations, all endearingly wicked.
    3. Anything by Mark Twain. Huck Finn, Prince and the Pauper, Tom Sawyer, Connecticut Yankee in Prince Arthur's Court. He's this excellent wordsmith who will find a way to make you laugh if he had to strangle it out of you.
    4. Ribblestrop is Hogwarts for juvenile delinquents. Rocking!
    5. The Curious Case of the Dog in the Night-time. Holden Caulfield doing sleuth work.
    6. Brief and Wondrous Life of Oscar Wao. Mapapa-wao ka sa sarap.

    Cheers, Sugary Ichigo! Mabuhay ka! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  12. Oh yeah, them with big egos happen to be us bloggers. Haha!

    But unlike those who shamelessly promote their sites or what they wrote, and even if I, myself, am a member of that FB group, I don't promote my site save for one instance when one member asked for it. In fact, if you will look at my FB profile page, nowhere there will you see my site's URL. Maybe I just don't feel like I need to promote my site to gain traffic. After all, I write only to have a venue for releasing my inanities. ahahahahah! ako na ang blogger na walang kwenta at ego!!!

    ReplyDelete

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