Thursday, November 11, 2010

A Public Service Announcement from Momel's Big Blahg of Bullshit: Where to Get Your Porn Offline

**Because I'm not just long legs and then some. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, you read me right - Where to Get Your Porn. This is not a sponsored post. This is me doing an endorsement for y'alls obscene businesses.

We were trying to get ourselves smashed in my apartment. And we've had too much to drink that night. Somebody got real horny and popped a DVD in the player. I think it was me. It was one of those cheap-ass Scandals Collection, where they had celebrity look-alikes in the most uncompromising gymnastics. You know it's not Marian Rivera, or Heart Evangelista, or Katrina Halili (no wait, I take that back, that Is Katrina Halili), but we went ahead and popped that video because we were looking for something else to make fun of.

Because that's what we do as horny, intoxicated fags: we find fault and laugh. And then in retrospect, it makes no difference if we're sober and indifferent: we still find fault and laugh. And that kind of consistency is just legendary. And I'm just saying.

I didn't mention that, as horny, intoxicated fags, we're also automatically on the prowl for meat. Because my mother reads my blog sometimes, and I wouldn't want to give her the wrong impression.

Ten minutes into the DVD and we saw this ad for what can be, personally, The Mother of All Porn movies. It featured this terrific orgy where everybody was alternatingly fellating and doing cunnilingus in this human circle, their naked bodies bounded this lascivious circumference that writhed and pulsated with every stroking movement. Yes, ladies and gentlemen and kids below 12, this was an advertisement for Taboo. And it had a phone number. 0927 442 9548. And further instructions, too - Look for Gabriel.



I saved that number in my phone and texted Gabriel because I wanted to get me some classic porn. What happened next was all a vague haze; I was drunk like a fish swimming in a beer aquarium so I didn't know what transpired in that series of text messages. But I enjoyed what came of it, all thirteen episodes of it, because he was prompt like a solicitation and knows good business. He gave me Taboo 1 to 13, porn culture, and blood in my sperm, for a thousand pesos. We met, the first time, in Robinson's Galleria.

And he also gave me access to his voluminous list of classic titles, and hijo de puta, he's got enough for suicide by masturbation. No gay titles though. Pain in the nuts, I know.

So if you kids are in the market for porn, then here are your digits:

0927 442 9548

And, again, look for Gabriel. If he asks you where you got his number, tell him you got it from me. You might want to mention the tattooed gay dude who got Taboo 1 to 13. That should refresh his memory.

12 comments:

  1. What the heck am I gonna do with straight porn?! Haha. Well at least I can recommend it to my non-prissy straight friends. :D

    And I'm diggin' the new look.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Haha are his copies HD? Hehehe I hate seeing pixelated sex organs ahahaha JOKE

    ReplyDelete
  3. penge!! para di ko na kailanganin si Fafarazzi...hihihihi

    ReplyDelete
  4. Siratalaga,

    The same exact thing that I did with my straight porn. Ahaha, akala mo lang wala, pero meron! Meron kang puwedeng gawin dian! Nakakangalay nga lang.

    And I'm diggin' the new look.

    Thanks for noticing! Cheers you!

    Glentot,

    Ay no, clear DVD. You should stop getting those DVDs from whoever sold you those Tarzan X videos. Blurred yung screenshot eh. Wahaha, antanga ko lang.

    Hymay,

    Hindi lang DVDs bigay ko sa yo, pati band aid na ibibilot mo sa mga daliri mo. Para hindi sila ma-dislocate. Wahaha!

    Thanks for dropping by! Cheers you, mabuhay kayo!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Taboo 1, it's the first porn that i saw, so it will always have a special place in my (heart) loins

    ReplyDelete
  6. Orally,

    I don't think it was the first skin flick that I saw, but I'm sure glad I watched it again because it was just intense. Lalo na yung incest scene between super MILF Kay Parker at Very Hung Mike Ranger. Nagising na lang si Mike Ranger at wala na siyang nasabi kundi "Oh fuck."

    You wouldn't believe how I stretched that scene as far as its practical employment goes.

    Awww, syet, lavet!

    ReplyDelete
  7. Waddaheeeel! Hahahaha. Pakinshet ako meron akong pornhub na galing sa kunsansan nakasave sa USB! Ikaw ang unang nakaalam nyan, isang malagkit at madilim na sikreto ng kabahuan ko. Haha.

    I have to admit though, even these cheap celebrity (supposedly) look-alikes can appear attractive when you are horny as hell. After a while though you'd feel disgusted for some weird reason.

    Your Mom reads your blogs? Hala! If I find out my Mom reads mine, isasara ko sya ng bonggang bongga!

    Suicide by masturbation! Like!

    ReplyDelete
  8. Honga pala mga blogmates kong punks, binago ko na rin ang format ng pag comment ko. Parang liham lang very light. On a facking peronal level syet kunyari ang dating. Ito ay dahil mahal na mahal ko kayong lahat, may betlog man o wala.At di na ako mashado mage-english sa comment, komporme (tama ba?) lang sa hanashi nyo. Ito ay dahil mahal na mahal ko kayong lahat, may betlog man o wala.

    Vajarl,

    Guess what. Hindi nga binabasa ng mudang mo ang blog mo eh binabasa naman niya ang blog ko. At dahil dian ay alam na niya yung tungkol sa malagkit at madilim na kabahuan mo fren. Wahaha, keme.

    Oo Vajarl, binasa niya dati to, nag-back read talaga si Aurora. Yan ang name ng darling mother ko (muah). At matapos niyang basahin ang kabuuan ng aking blog ay nag-email siya sa akin ng kanyang comment. May screenshot ako ng email na yun. PAK! Pakita ko sa inyo soon.

    Jag,

    Naman another batch back atcha! What's cracken, betch? Thanks for dropping by!

    Cheers, at mabuhay kayong lahat!

    ReplyDelete
  9. pwede ba... umamin na? me sponsorship ka no? umamin na? celebrity ka na mars? ching!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Thanks for this momel although I think these are all available for free online.

    Hi Mommy!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Hondaboi,

    Ang totoo niyan eh etchosera ka. Wahaha! Actually meron mars, promote ko na ngayon:

    Pesteng almuranas? Use Varimoid! Para sa maginhawang pag-ire!

    Ayan na. Ahaha!

    Pat,

    Who would've thunk! But I don't mind shelling a hundred pesos for a title, and then get discounts at the same time. And should you really be mentioning Mama in this post? Wahaha!

    Pat here is my brother. As in sibling. As in we have the same biological parents.

    Cheers you two! Mabuhay kayong lahat!

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Blog Widget by LinkWithin