We were trying to get ourselves smashed in my apartment. And we've had too much to drink that night. Somebody got real horny and popped a DVD in the player. I think it was me. It was one of those cheap-ass Scandals Collection, where they had celebrity look-alikes in the most uncompromising gymnastics. You know it's not Marian Rivera, or Heart Evangelista, or Katrina Halili (no wait, I take that back, that Is Katrina Halili), but we went ahead and popped that video because we were looking for something else to make fun of.
Because that's what we do as horny, intoxicated fags: we find fault and laugh. And then in retrospect, it makes no difference if we're sober and indifferent: we still find fault and laugh. And that kind of consistency is just legendary. And I'm just saying.
I didn't mention that, as horny, intoxicated fags, we're also automatically on the prowl for meat. Because my mother reads my blog sometimes, and I wouldn't want to give her the wrong impression.
Ten minutes into the DVD and we saw this ad for what can be, personally, The Mother of All Porn movies. It featured this terrific orgy where everybody was alternatingly fellating and doing cunnilingus in this human circle, their naked bodies bounded this lascivious circumference that writhed and pulsated with every stroking movement. Yes, ladies and gentlemen and kids below 12, this was an advertisement for Taboo. And it had a phone number. 0927 442 9548. And further instructions, too - Look for Gabriel.
I saved that number in my phone and texted Gabriel because I wanted to get me some classic porn. What happened next was all a vague haze; I was drunk like a fish swimming in a beer aquarium so I didn't know what transpired in that series of text messages. But I enjoyed what came of it, all thirteen episodes of it, because he was prompt like a solicitation and knows good business. He gave me Taboo 1 to 13, porn culture, and blood in my sperm, for a thousand pesos. We met, the first time, in Robinson's Galleria.
And he also gave me access to his voluminous list of classic titles, and hijo de puta, he's got enough for suicide by masturbation. No gay titles though. Pain in the nuts, I know.
So if you kids are in the market for porn, then here are your digits:
0927 442 9548
And, again, look for Gabriel. If he asks you where you got his number, tell him you got it from me. You might want to mention the tattooed gay dude who got Taboo 1 to 13. That should refresh his memory.