OMG You Guys, the Internet is Full of Weird People! Who'd Have Thunk? -- PART ONE

**Think of this as an advocacy.

**Meanwhile, this is a filler post. I have this folder of prepared posts just in case I should be "distracted." That is what I am now, and then some. My offline life is the very definition of devastation, currently, and I am taking a break from all that crying and shedding and silent screaming because I am still a blogger, after all, and I have to post. That being said, I apologize to you, you darling blogger in my blog roll, if I wasn't present in your comments form recently. I love you and I will make love to you if you were hung and a power top.




Just when you thought you've desensitized yourself with the sickest ocular trauma the World Wide Web has to offer, along comes, to further revolt your unbelieving and simultaneously excited person, these choice clips from Something Awful.net's Archives. I didn't know how I got there, perhaps a series of unfortunate hops, but it's goddamn awful, and it rocks.


I'm idle when I have the time, and to quote Junkmaster, I did the surfing, so you don't have to. So there. And this is NOT a sponsored post, mind you. Continue reading, love.

Verily, the internet is way too big for one's pustular imagination, and here's another opportunity to broaden our perverse horizons together. Ladies and gentlemen, submitted for your orgasmic and brick-shitting pleasure: selected Lines from Something Awful.net's Archives. These are transcribed verbatim, and that explains the typos; kindly shut your piehole please. I'm having none of it.

1. from The Eunuch Archives

Now comes the question. Currently with one testicle, my scrotum is way too loose and sticks to my thigh, twists around, gets caught on everything and is always in the way

A Eunuch, by the way, is a castrated human male. He's got one testicle. I give him one loser star.





2. from The Incest Taboo Forum

I say this tongue in cheek mostly, but me and mom have two kids both healthy and fine and I have a child with my aunt and one with a cousing and they are fine and healthy no birth defects (except the boys have small ears, lol).

You know where I stand in this Taboo thing. I endorse the thing. The number is on a prior post, and if Gabriel asks, just tell him you got the number from the tattooed gay dude. Mention Taboo 1 to 13. But this guy is referring to the actual act.





3. from The Real Super Powers and Universal Psychic Guild

Lately I have noticed that I can listen to the thoughts of any animal that I come into any type of contact with (long range not sure how long). The bad thing is that I hear every though and animals are quite schizophrenic.

Anyone know how to shut out thoughts?

I have nothing against make believe super powers. I used to be Rogue when we were doing X-Men play fights as kids. And look at me now.





4. from The Goths, Witches, and Wiccans Forum

plus im planning to get a tat that sez "S.K.I.T" n gcthic text or old english or something like that. meaning SERIAL KILLER IN TRAINING

Or you can get a tattoo that says "S.T.F.U.L." It means SHUT THE FUCK UP LOSER





5. from The Auto-Fellatio, Wrestling, and Time Travel Forum

New SS, very interested.

Posted by Newbie on February 11, 2004 at 20:12:42

I had never thought that so many could actually SS. I was very surprised when I looked online and found such a community. I had tried a few times before lately but though it was just something that you had to be born with. I am now excited to actually get to my cock. I am 19, 5'10" and weigh about 145 pounds. I have gotten my tongue about an inch or two from the tip of my cock. I was wondering if anyone could give me some tips or personal tips. I know it will take some time to get down on myself, but I can't wait!

Thanks!

Autofellatio is the act of oral stimulation of one's own penis as a form of masturbation. Practitioners of this sexual act are simultaneously so hung and flexible that they can suck their own cock. These guys don't deserve loser stars. They deserve a standing ovation.


6. from Voy Forums: Troubled Teens Unite!

Date PostedL 13:47:19 02/21/03 Fri
Author: ricky barningharn
Subject: skitzoprenia

ill get to the point
1.when walkin with my friends and family i get the feeling they will all turn around and start fighting me and i get very paranoid
2.when walkin 1/2 the cars i see give me the feeling they r following me to observe me.
3.i hear voices in my head(mostly my name)and talk to myself often.
4.the government has bugged my house and they r watching me 24/7 (i think)
5.i sumtimes think people r reading my mind
6.i currently take wellbutrin,zyprexa,seriquil

tell me whats up

This is what's up, fool.





7. from The Peeing and Pooping in School and Public Forum

Subject: I need some suggestions
Name: Emily
Date Posted: Dec 31, 03 - 10:15 AM

Message: Hi, My name is Emily and I am new here. I have tried to have accidents in my underwears but I have not been succesful At doing.

Also, are their any girls that could be my friend.

Thanks,
Emily

Why would anyway want to shit on purpose on their own underwear? And a girl, no less? Of course, the gender is immaterial, and I could be wrong.





8. from The Can't Find On Google Forum

a at 11/19/2005 08:57:23 pm

Really Looking For: a job that does not require a college (or highschool....) education

Search Terms Tried: uh, i couldnt thhink of what to type so none

Comments: jus wondering. the more money the better!! just incase i was to, err, *cough* drop out of highschool *cough* . its 12:00 and i have a crapload of homework....im failing half of my classes.... i know about 3 people in tha whole school well... so, i was just wondering what kind of job ops i have. not saying i will or anything, just curious...

josh at 12/06/2005 02:36:31 am

Really Looking For: a copy of my mug shot taken about 2 years ago by the police, and my arrest record

Search Terms Tried: texas stae records mug shots; texas state arrest records; my mugshot; my arrest record, basically any combonation you can think of

Comments: it's not like I'm a hardened criminal trying to erase my record or anything, it's just that I have been arrest before and I a0wanna see what I looked like b) want to try and use the pic for a website and c) wanna see if public intoxication is still on my record. if any one can help please do. oh and I'm a cheap-skate so I don't wanna have to pay a site for a picture of myself

Suffice to say that there are things that Google can't find. That being said, do you guys Google yourselves?

9. from The FightingArts Forum

KNOCK OUT!!!
#196028 - 04/04/04 02:31PM

where on the neck is the most effective spot to pinch someone if you wished to put them out or paralize them for a couple of minutes. i keep trying it on my little brother but he doesn't like to cooperate

Or you can try it on your own, and have somebody administer the strong ammonia. And then do it again if you didn't like the results.





10. from The Deviant Desires Forum

"i find pig roasts so erotic"
Posted by samantha on 08-02-03 at 03:46 PM

I attended my first pig roast last weekend,and for some reason found the though of all of the people there consuming this roasted pig quite erotic! My boyfried enjoyed it to, but not in the same way as I did! My question is,am i too wierd or is this just a passing perversion? I mean I can't wait till the next one... samantha

I never knew that roasted pigs can be such a turn on. This lady's sick; the loser meter doesn't apply.