**And this here list tells you why.
1. You can buy, or hoard, all the cheap-ass books you want until you are cheap-ass broke. But hoarding books is awful stupid if you can't read. That's like collecting a lot of spandex underwear, and you're not even a wrestler.
2. You've always wanted to carve your niche in society. And you've always wanted to join the ranks of your social inspirations. Fortunately, some of your efforts did pay off. So you now have the bull cap worn sideways, the oversized jersey, zero individuality, and that funny swagger, but you can't be a jejemon yet if you can't read. If you can't read, then you can't text. And if you can't text, then how can you even hope to retard the reading that you have should have learned in the first place? W46 k~n6 +4n64 ph0w$zzZZ
3. You can't be an accomplished flying voter if you can't even read your cheat sheet, fool.
4. You will be missing out on some unnecessary gay venom published Friday evenings if you can't read. And, having said that, who the hell cares?
5. You cannot LIKE on Facebook if you cannot read your jejemon friends' status updates. Think about it. LIKES SAVES LIVES these days. And Jesus, oh Jesus, you will find out that Jesus H. Christ himself logs in to Facebook from time to time. Oh hell yes. And the Lord Savior will need your likes to advocate some very noble Christian cause like shooting abortionists on the head. Or Liking the faggots to their death. Via Facebook. For real, homo.
6. I'm sorry, what? You think I'm fucking with you? Well, if it isn't Him, then how come The Savior's holier than thou status updates include a picture of Him? Well? Anything? Answer that, bitch, while I poke the Lord. And I will PM Him, and I will ask Him NOT TO SAVE YOUR UNBELIEVING SOUL! And I will write in the Lord's sacred Wall, too:
Dear Jesus, please deny (insert your name here) of the salvation that You have promised your sheep. Please, oh please, let (insert your name here)'s soul burn in hell because that uncouth heathen think Your Facebook Account is unwashed blasphemy. Muahness from Pasig Cirehhh! Amen.
7. And what about this screenshot?
8. Oh yeah? YOU WILL TURN INTO A PILLAR OF SALT! AND YOU WILL BE FED TO LIONS! AND THESE LIONS WILL DEVOUR YOU WITH RELISH BECAUSE THEY ARE HUNGRY AND SODIUM DEFICIENT! YOUR SOUL WILL BURN IN HELL, YOU HOMO! Goddamnit, it infuriates me to find out that there are faithless fools out there who have the balls to deny Jesus of His Facebook account! THE PEARLY GATES WILL CLOSE ON YOU, MOTHERFUCKEEERRR!
9. Oh hell no, homo. It's three in the afternoon, and this kind of sun doesn't work well with your leathery, fifty-ish skin. Let's face facts, faggot. At your age, you don't want to look that tired AND smell like a heatstroke waiting to happen, right? Oh, I'm sorry, I was writing this on my way home, in an FX, and I saw this old fag sashaying along Julia Vargas. It was three in the afternoon, he didn't have an umbrella, so I had to write something. But insulting that unholy apparition calmed me. I'm good now. Sorry about the sudden bitch fit in caps, though. You know I'm a good Christian. You go, Jesus! Anyway, allow me to continue.
10. There's a lot of bookish nerds out there. Have something in common! They're mostly virgins, too, so I'd best be learning my alphabet now. However, I am not guaranteeing a date with a circumcised nerd. And "virgins" doesn't always mean "hella cute," okay?
11. www.jessicarulestheuniverse.com. Seriously, homo, that there is The Mistress. You are missing out.
12. You cannot be a largely ignored gay emo blogger if you cannot read. See, reading progresses to writing. And writing, given the determination or a lot of free time, progresses to blogging. Think about it. You're this gay emo kid who can now read and write. And you know you can use some loving. And a bath. Anyway, you decided to blog. And then your blogging progresses to... ignore #12. Just go to #11. Seriously, homo, that there is The Mistress.
13. You can use a book to ignore people. And I wrote about that, too. Click here.
See you homos next Friday. Muahness from Pasig Cirehhh!