Tuesday, March 20, 2012

This is the Sound of Me Choking

**"Kkkrkkkrkkk... kohokkkkk... krkrkk... KOHK..." That there is the sound of me choking. Meanwhile...

I am increasingly suspicious of the merits of couplehood. What the hell's the God Damned point when I know full well that it's not going to last anyway? I am rather weary of the "seize the moment" scheme of things. This excuse is suddenly an awful bother because my relationships will not last, never has, and never will.. Underscore never will; fuck forever.

Five years behind the two of us meant nothing, really, because I was still on my own after all those years. Sure, I learned something the hard, choke-on-tears way. And I had no choice but to, dahh, charge it to experience. I suppose I could drown myself, if we're talking choices, but my constitution's seventy percent adamantium. The other twenty percent's glitter and the remaining ten percent's sperm. This is because I am a homo, and I am just saying.

What's the point of couplehood when it's not going to last anyway? Relationships are sacred, and they require a dedicated amount of patience, devotion and a serious assful of emotional investment. It takes time and industry to stay together in spite of the many fuck ups that give your relationship a good cervical bruising. Staying together is an impressive undertaking. But is it really worth it when I know full well that it's not going to last anyway?

Relationships fall apart, and what else do you have to show for it? A person can't have too much life lessons; he will vomit the excess out of his shitter. Most relationships are an unprofitable waste of time, diligence, and patience. I could be masturbating the whole time I was in a relationship and be thoroughly satisfied until I'm half blind.

I've had my share of the beautiful privileges that come with an intimate couplehood. I've had my share of those hugs and those kisses. I know how it feels like, felt like, will feel like. And it is no different now from how it was with my crumbled five-year relationship. Tender is the touch of the one you love. I know how it feels like, felt like, will feel like. And it is no different now from how it was with my crumbled five-year relationship. Being introduced to his mother feels like rocks. I know how it feels like, felt like, will feel like. And it is no different now from how it was with my crumbled five-year relationship.

Tempting, but I won't segue the fucking because that will ruin this tender momentum. So I won't. And I am terribly apologetic for that, my dear unwashed reader.

And here's a confession.

I should be crying now because I just realized the most depressing, rock-bottom truth about being gay. Our intimate relationships are not meant to last. I can be with a jowa1 for a year or two or five, but we will not last. Fuck forever. And then I will scamper from one temporary pairing to another. We will meet and then date and then become an item. And then we will fight, and then make up, and then I will doubt, and we will break up, and then we will break up for real. My trust in relationships will decay a little more with each failure. And it will be that same tiring cycle all my short life. I will be so consumed by my makeshift romances that I will forget to keep track of time. And then, suddenly, I will be far too old and withered to pursue another relationship. And then I will commit suicide by masturbation.

It's a sad, lonely life. And I figured they call us that, Gay, for a reason. If we cannot have a truly happy life, then we should at least have a cheerful label. Gay. It's mostly a pity thing, I suppose.

That being said, I have elected to give couplehood another chance. This is where I am right now, and I am growing rather fond. It is not necessarily sweeter, but it makes living a thoroughly energizing experience.

Haha, I choke on a lot of things, and that includes the things I say.

1 jowa = bastardized term for lover


  1. adamantium -> Highlight -> Right click -> Click "Search Google for adamantium

    Ganyan ako kapag nagbabasa dito. (:

    Kahit naman straight ay hindi assurance na may happy ending palagi ang relationship. Kahit nga kinasal na at may basbas pa ng simbahan ay naghihiwalay pa din. Katulad mo, naniniwala ako na relaks lang sa relationship. Maging masaya habang masaya. Keri boom boom.

    Thank you sa greeting! Mukhang nagbabalik ka na sa blogging! Welcome back!

  2. Last night lang, I was being my depressed whore self, as usual, when I thought that maybe if I was given another chance in life-- maybe if I get to be able to live again after I died, I would choose to be straight. Just because everything would be easier if I was straight. I would have the courage to ask the person I would like to go out with without looking around to check if anybody's looking to have an excuse to puke, or anything like that. And then I thought that if that's what's waiting for me on my next life, what's stopping me from ending my life now to get to that one faster?

    And then I watched the Season Finale of The Walking Dead and played Digimon World 2 and I forgot about everything.

  3. Thank goodness the last two paragraphs defied the preceding ones.

    I refuse to acknowledge your thesis not just because I am actually a hopeless romantic at heart, but because there are many examples of loving and lasting relationships between homos, as you say.

    That said, I wish you more love and I hope this new relationship will last forever. :-)

  4. I go with salbehe. Though of course the odds against straight couples are significantly smaller.

  5. Oh Momel! I'm not used to you being like this. :(

    Be sad. Wallow. Cry even. But I hope you never become jaded.

    I guess we should just listen Barbra. We live for the future. We will learn from the past.


  6. Na-emo naman ako dito. Kahit naman kasi straight ka parang ganyan din yung nangyayari, kung magkarelasyon naman. Minsan naman kasi lokohan na lang nangyayari. But I really wouldn't know dahil wala pang nangahas na manligaw talaga sa katulad kong nangangain ng tanga. :))



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