Sunday, March 04, 2012

Of God and Second Hand Reasoning


I was discussing infidelity, with a friend, when his "wife" texted him. Funny word, that. "Wife." These kids are so unhinged these days that the 17-year old mother of their 7-month old kid automatically becomes their wife. But that's not the point, so let me correct myself.

I was discussing infidelity, with a friend, when his "domestic partner" texted him. Doubtful phrase, that. "Domestic partner." But who gives a shit about political correctness anyway? Like it matters here in the Philippines? When you're here, and you're this guy in a relationship with some homo, then you're automatically "namamakla." That's basically the derogatory long and short of it. It's that black and white. Domestic partner my ass. But my friend's straight as an arrow, so let me correct myself.

I was discussing infidelity, with a friend, when his "significant other" texted him. See, he found out that she's been flirting, with strange enthusiasm, with this guy. And he found her out through a series of very revealing text messages. It turns out that they've been at it for a week now, and they're already exchanging I Love Yous, and they call each other Mama and Papa, and she's texting my friend less and less, and she always has some excuse for not doing so. But he became suspicious, and livid when he found her out. He was smiling as he was telling his story, but I can tell he's furious with the way he's breathing during his narration. But then his "significant other" texted him with bullshit that goes a little something like this:

"I'm sorry becauseyoufoundbutimaginethedevilishfunwe'llbehavingifyouhadn't Hindi na mauulit orIwillbeverycarefulwithoursecret Kung ang Diyos ay marunong magpatawad eh tao pa kaya?"

She had me thinking when she mentioned God in her second hand hearsay of a plea.

See, I'm not exactly a fan of God, but I respect him enough to keep down with his dawgz. I may not know much, but I know well enough to, under no circumstance, to never use the Lord's name in vain. It's a direct affront to the Eight Beatitudes, and violators will be punishable by a hundred hours of community service without bail. "Thou shalt not use the name of the Lord in vain, thou cornered infidel, maybe on Tuesdays." Did I get that right?

I may not know much, but I know I'm not having any of her "If God can forgive" shit. Personally, that line holds as much water as a strainer, and it has the strength of a superstition to match. In case you forget, that same God was rumored to have drowned half of the planet, okay the whole planet for forty days and forty nights, gave the Egyptians hell with the ten plagues, smited the Sodomites in a mighty rain of fire, and, in an all-powerful display of creative punishment, He turned Lot's wife to salt.

Yes, the table kind of salt. NaCl. Sodium Chloride. Honestly, you'd expect better from the same dude who pulled Eve out of a rib. Yes of course, I love Him just the same.

Our God is a forgiving God. But He's got this famous temper, and He's given to divine fits with genocidal consequences. Or has she forgotten that? So I asked my cheated friend to text her back and tell her this:

"Oo, nagpapatawad nga ang Diyos. Pero marunong din siyang magalit at magparusa. Suck my dick."

"Yes, God can forgive. But he can also get angry and punish. Suck my dick."

I'm kidding on the suck my dick part. You know I'm a jerk. But she didn't text back to this reply just the same.

9 comments:

  1. perhaps the "significant other" is thinking and thinking hard of another retort that will eclipse the magnanimity of her "god forgives; ergo, you should, too" equation. either that or she's busy sucking the other guy's dick with strange enthusiasm.

    perhaps your friend might want to seriously consider the suck my dick part in his next SMS.

    nice to read your shit over the internet once again, momel.

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  2. Well-deserved text message and a beautifully written post to smite that woman to bits.

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  3. Ahhhhhh! I could hardly read through the story, I'm just so glad you're BACK! =D

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  4. Ohmygaahd you are back! Yey! :)

    Namiss ko bigla ang Chemlab ng USTe sa NaCl Sodium Chloride na yan. Dun ko lang ata nagagamit yang salitang yan. Sa Chemlab. na pinangyayarihan ng mga milagro pag gabi. Hihi.

    Should've really added that "Suck my dick" part. Or maybe "Swallow, bitch. There are people starving in Africa." but it totally would not get the point across.

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  5. Wow, thank you guys for missing me. Posting something is rather refreshing.

    Muahness from Pasig Cirehhh!

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  6. I like how some people really, truly, unequivocally, disdainfully are asking for it. ;)

    Oh, and we've missed the stark raving mad ethos.

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  7. First of all, putang ina ka for leaving us hanging for months!

    And next to all, sabihan mo yang SO ng friend mo, she's free to suck my dick as well. Kakahigh blood! haha

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  8. weird di lumabas yung comment ko.

    anyway, ang sabi ko lang, whatever momel. I am just glad you are back. hahahaha! chos.

    I loved how you wrote this post.

    7 months pa lang baby niya and she is already flirting with somebody while in a relationship with the father of her child. nagmamaganda?

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  9. Loverboy Lio -- She was speechless, I think. How would you counter that retort? Anyway, thank you for missing me! Haha, binabasa ko pa rin kayo, pero sa Google Reader lang. Don't tell me na traffic-conscious na kayo these days? Ha!

    Kiks -- Smite is a beautiful, beautiful word, isn't it?

    Sitting Pretty -- You're a darling, you know that? Muah!

    Little Miss Pataki -- Weeell, well, well look do we have here! Fresh meat! Ha, thanks for dropping by and the add! I have been reading you. And I like what I am reading, to a certain degree. So please bear in mind that I am always hospitable and courteous and polite and social towards like-minded sons of bitches like your person. We rock, now don't we?

    Red -- Har har, stark raving mad is a nice phrase!

    Nyl -- Ha, I can actually measure just how much you fucking miss me! Har har! Here's a kiss and two dirty fingers. Muahhh!
    .I.
    .I.

    Kaye -- Touche!

    Thanks you all! Muahness from Pasig Cirehhhh!

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