Monday, February 07, 2011

I'll Punch You On the Boobs, Bitch (Updated)

I hate it when babaeng baklas try to outgay me.


There's this pekpek (cunt) who actually corrected my gay lingo with another mispronounced gay term I know I've never heard of before. I'm sure it sounded familiar, but it isn't spoken in that borderline nasal inflection that my cross dressing friends use. And, for all the right reasons, her correction sounded wrong.


Miss U¹ was corrected with Tita E². They both refer to the same thing, which is to take a shit. You know how flexible swardspeak is. Anyway, she pronounced Tita E as "tee-tay," as in "bitay (execute)," as in Judge Max Asuncion: Hukom Bitay. It should sound like "Tee-ta Eee," stress on the second e so it sounds like the tagalog word for shit. She had a point, but the execution's self-defeating. It must be the grade-F, 50 peso callboy man juice she's swallowing those days.

"Ay mali yan. Miss U ba talaga tawag don? Hindi ba dapat Titaey?"



Sure, you can say it in any which way possible, but it should sound familiar to the homo that you're talking to. What's the point in an unintelligible secret code anyway? Swardspeak is flexible, and it was meant to confuse and amuse the straights. It is our pig latin, the gay morse code, and we are its only authors and editors. Your versions don't count. Read my cock sucking lips, bitch: They. Don't. Count.


Just so you're aware, you grandisima puta, swardspeak is exceedingly variable. One word can take on a lot of different forms, and all these forms are acceptable. That's how darling that makeshift language is. That's what makes it stand out and infectious. But then, pronunciation is key. I admit, you don't need to be borderline nasal; but try to make it sound okay. No, the to-mah-tow and to-may-toe argument doesn't follow here. It is largely popular, the tongue of the Filipino faggot, but it's not an official language yet. So don't give us no excuses. We are the officiators of that darling vernacular. Shove that tomato up your cunt. You should quit your imagined authority. I don't even know your name.

So let's call her Pining. And her last name's Garcia. Pining Garcia. At gusto kong suntukin and suso niya. Betch!

That sounds like a song, but it hadn't a hymn to it. I like how it sounds though; if you want to say that line "susuntukin ko suso mo eh," then say it like you mean it. It sounds funnier that way. Your eyes can use a little threat, but avoid saying it with an arched eyebrow.

Her name may be fabricated, but her awful bastardizing was that of real life culture stealing bitches who try to claim our gayness with their own made-up perversions. I know it wouldn't work anyway; the gay mojo is cultured by a lifetime of discrimination, fear, and this futile hope to fit in.

Gay people are funny, I think, because their sense of humor grew to become one of the finest defense mechanisms in their arsenal. Babaeng baklas (Uber Fag Hags) are merely trying to imitate this funny by hanging out with the real baklas too much to be able to absorb some of our developed humor. They do acquire some of our mojo, by and by, but their punchlines are still hollow because they are lacking the inspiration. But they don't mind.

In their heads, they have evolved from loyal fag hags to makeshift Vice Gandas. Name one famous fag hag that is funny by default, who doesn't have any visible gay influences about her, and is armed with the perfect timing and the quickest wit for insults. Anyone in mind? Anyone yet? Exactly. So we'll have to borrow one of our own, just for reference. And his kind of humor is a favorite with these isolated babaeng baklas.



The makeshift Vice Ganda Fag Hags are just so oozing with the gay influence that they imagine they can scatter the faerie dust themselves. But their punchlines are hand me downs, their delivery spiritless and uninspired, and left to their own devices, they will come up with one borderline funny joke by the time the gay guy produced four. And he has another one coming up, just wait for it. And that's just the jokes and the insults; the facial expressions are left out to make it a fair competition.

It will never work. They grew up straight, they never had our fears, and they have no need to develop any of our defense mechanisms. We don't hear none of it in their delivery.

This is why us gay folk are way funnier than any babaeng bakla, however hard they try. This is why we were able to improvise a darling slang that is increasingly everybody's favorite. And this is why I don't take too kindly to girls correcting my gay lingo. I find that absurd. It's like teaching an American how to speak with an American Accent. Sure, I'm pissed. I mean, it makes us proud to hear you ladies speak that verbal free-for-all in the elevator, or during those cigarette breaks, or when you're cruising with us. We have become so national, and we love it. But you will do good to never edit us. Because the next time that she does, I swear to God, talagang susuntukin ko siya sa suso.


¹Miss U refers to the act of taking a shit. The reference is taken from the title holder's sitting on that throne.
²Tita E is the gross version. The second syllable Ta is truncated with the third syllable E. Exactly.

Update: I am now reminded of what one darling punk, Pat, mentioned in his Hate List. Allow me to quote this line. You may or may not agree, but I find this absolutely golden to a degree.

14. Popular expression-mongers. Ikaw na! ‘teh! which I find funny back when the gays had exclusive rights to speak it. Straight girls ruined teh.

22 comments:

  1. Tsk tsk, that babaeng bakla is nasty! She gives babaeng baklas a badddd name >_>

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  2. I applaud the sheer animosity you have so beautifully expressed here. There is, and by far endemic, precision that comes with swardspeak that will never be effectively feigned by the female kind. You have, quite literally, elevated the argument of our quasi-dialect into a legitimate, elite artform.

    The verb in question could very well be referred to in as many terms as her sorry ass could care to explore. There's the 80's Sheetaeh, the proletarian deposit slip, and the colloquial Chocolate Eh. There.

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  3. Why Good Evening, darlings!

    Brewhuh -- Oh, you've been here quite a lot recently, and I love you more for that! I agree, that bitch gives the rest of you darling fag hags a bad name. Which is why the threat I enclosed in this here post goes out specifically to her.

    Red -- Aw, I am beginning to love that familiar Red eloquence with what you said. And who knew you are just as learned with our speak as with the grandiose words you employ? Sheetaeh? Love it. Deposit slip? Heart it. Chocolate Eh? Brilliant. You rock!

    Cheers Brewhuh and Red! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  4. "And this is why I don't take too kindly to girls correcting my gay lingo. I find that absurd."

    - I also experienced being 'corrected' by a babaeng bakla. Kebs lang ako, siya na magaling hahaha.

    Mabilis mag-evolve ang lengwahe natin, basta magka-rhyme lang okey na hehe.

    Basta ang tawag ko sa Tita E, Erna or Bo-e-Mae (Kapag ala tubol na, Bo-e-Max). Salita sa circle of group namin. :)

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  5. i never exactly knew the relation between taking a shit and miss u until i read your reference to the superscript. lol!

    as for tita e, i still don't see the correlation except that it pretty much sounds like the vernacular "tatae"? or is there a much better explanation? XD

    you guys are ingenious! to be honest, how you've come to develop a striking dialect that has all its distinct eccentricities and peculiarities still baffles me. and not even your foreign counterparts can claim to having a gayspeak as colorful and lively as yours. \m/

    re: write a sonnet

    i was supposed to prepare my comment in the form of a sonnet but lacked both the will and the time to do so. it doesn't help that this form of verse demands specific metrical structure (iambic pentameter my ass! lol!).

    there's a new litwit and the requirement's even far more demanding. war and peace is too mature and i am but just a lackadaisical reader. maybe the next litwit? it's a question, not a statement. XD

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  6. *Circle of friends, not circle of group.

    My bad. :D

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  7. I thought this was just a rant and I was going to say that you were overreacting but as I got to the end, you were actually making a valid point. And I loooved the way you explained it.

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  8. wow momelia.. nagiging lalaki ka na! gusto mo manuntok eh! :p

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  9. Ronnie -- Dapat sinuntok mo sa suso, fren. Kaya nga Salitang Bakla ang tawag eh, hindi Salitang Apyod ng Apyod sa mga Bakla.

    Oo, kayo tinutukoy ko, mga atribidang babaeng bakla, wag kayong mamaru. As in mamarunong. Sige, i-correct niyo ko.

    Ahaha, kakaputok ng fuse ano? Mga imbyernang feelingerang pekpek. Although bago lang sa pandinig ko yung ibang terms niyo ng grupo niyo eh noseline ko na antemany yung usage. Ganun sha kadaling intindihin, and haysowlavet!

    Lio Loco -- Blame it on our diet of cigarettes and semen. Hah, you know I'm a jerk. I suppose its with the colorful culture that we Filipino homos grew up with. The first sward word I heard and used in a sentence (in my head -- I was eight then) is the term chaka. I heard that from my Japayuki cousin, and she was sharing that over dinner. Imagine that. My first sward word was from a Babaeng Bakla. She opened me to that wonderful new language! My enrollment came with my coming out and coming of age, and my proficiency came with the friends I chose for myself.

    Ah, amen to the sonnet comment. And I will not be endorsing the next litwit challenge. It's far too intense even for a gay nerd like my person.

    Nishiboy -- And I say love your own! Again, you darling punk, get over it and get moving. Make haste. They say life is lost on the living, and that youth is wasted on the young, so get over it and move on already.

    Cheers Ronnie, Lio Loco, and Nishiboy! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ahaha!

    Chellie -- Di naman fren. Minsan kasi may mga ow ey lang na ayaw lumugar. The "susuntukin kita sa suso" bit was meant to be a fun, fun threat. It wouldn't be me if it was as serious as a diagnosis.

    Cheers Chellie! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  11. Wait, I can't get over the first photo. Bwahahahahahaha!

    I once tried to use cunt in a Filipino sentence and I failed miserably. I never knew I could use pekpek. Ah, now I can get back at that bitch who was wearing cunt este pekpek shorts I could see her pekpek.

    And as a proud gay man, I am ashamed to admit that I can't understand most of the words in 'swardspeak'. I didn't even know it's called swadspeak now. You see, this is the result of not admitting you are gay until you are in your late teens.

    Pining Garcia FTW! Panununtok sa suso DOUBLE WINUR! Hahahaha.

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  12. Vajayjay -- Oh feel free to use cunt all you want. Just don't slobber on it, or lick it, or eat that awful, awful thing. I read somewhere that "swardspeak" is so 80s, but then it rolls so delightfully on the tongue that I elected to keep using it. Glad you liked the susuntukin sa suso bit. Feel free to use it. The subtle indoctrination wouldn't have worked otherwise.

    Practice makes perfect, you darling punk.

    Cheers Vajayjay! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  13. Anonymous10:11 PM

    you lost me at "Shove that tomato up your cunt" 'te. ahahaha

    relax ka lang 'te. uso pa naman ngayon ang suicide... :-)

    love the post! now jumping to pat's hate list.

    shining through...
    bryan stars

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  14. this is such an honor. parang honorary oscar/grammy.

    i forgot to add in the list, BV as in bad vibes. oh well, it's not like it's hard to make hate lists.

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  15. This must be your angriest post for 2010. I can almost see your veins popping as you typed on your trusty Notepad.

    I know girls who try and talk like gays and they sound pretentious because they don't have balls under packaging tapes. Gays are funny by default. A gay guy can keep quiet all day and we still laugh at him.

    ReplyDelete
  16. engot ako dyan sa mga ganyan...di ko talaga maintindihan minsan..yung mga naririnig ko lang lagi ang alam ko kaya ko nagagamit..pero yung iba di ko mapangahasan at baka wrong spelling,ahahaha

    miss you khie!!

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  17. Why good evening y'alls!

    Amigang Bry -- Uy, I was never suicidal! Remember that break up post and the total absence of any like minded hints? I love my life too much to do that. There's too much to bash.
    And I can't do that when I'm dead now can I?

    Pat -- Where's the honor in being quoted in this here bag of bullshit? I wonder what kind of rice you're eating these days, you darling punk you. I agree with the bad vibes shit, but there's always one way or another to address that. I still don't know how to address your calling me annoying. Perhaps I'll take that as a compliment?

    Glentot -- I don't do angry. Pissed, perhaps, and then I just write it all away like it was a bad case of the shits. Writing, then, is akin to taking a dump, and have you ever imagined anything that felt as better? Uy, you remember Notepad? Thanks!

    A gay guy can keep quiet all day and we still laugh at him.

    Amen!

    Himhay -- Etchusera ka! Ilang beses na tayong nagkaka-chat sa FB, ilang beses na rin kitang chinikang sward, eh noseline mo namang humanash ng ganitrelles! Ah shoot sa tambiolo ni Tita Maggi ang spelling mo teh. Learn na learn ka! Very much!

    Amishu too, Himhay! See you sa April!

    Cheers Bryan, Pat, Glentot, and Powkie! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  18. I never thought about the reasons why gay guys are so funny, but now that i think of it... Yeah... They didn't grow up having to develop the defense mechanisms we did.

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  19. i miss those days when people get threatened every time they hear us speak in gay-lingo...

    napaparanaoid sila bigla, at nakakaloka lang ang mga facial expressions nila...

    ang shupal ng pezlak ng bilat na yan ha!

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  20. Wow! And you are truly pissed off! A long blog post on that hag.

    For a while there, I was ashamed for being a girl or a woman, or however you want to call our lot. :'-(

    But you know, I've always found gay/sward speak fascinating. I only know a few by heart. But my 13-year old daughter is catching up fast. There's another fag hag in the making. haha!

    o, wag ka na magalit. :-)

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  21. nice one momel.

    the angst!!! ooooohhhh... cuts through the skin dearie pero i supah dupah agree. that so reminded of a girl at this new company i now work with. grrrrr...

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  22. Was I really that livid?

    Yj -- Well, as they say, those were the days. I'm not sure if "threatened" is the word, but then, in retrospect, I suppose it makes sense. Ampalayey, witchels na na-nyorkot yung milatchinang frog na yan, backstage na nga sa face value eh haves pa ng ekis na hanash! Creamy filling! Sige, correct niya yan.

    Kaye -- Aw, no, don't take it that way. I was referring to the one displaced exception, that one irritating cunt who thinks she can school us with our default vernacular. Like I said, they call it "Salitang Bakla." And as far as I know, it was never amended to "Salitang Apyod sa Bakla." And I don't ever see that happening anytime in this lifetime.

    Do not feel bad, you darling punk! You fag hags are our bestest comrades, and without you darlings, we will just be plain horny. Keep at it, and we thank your humble lot. And I mean it.

    Hondafanboi -- Ahah! Was my being too outraged a turn off to you my darlings?

    Cheers Yj, Kaye, and Hondafanboi! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

    ReplyDelete

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