Friday, August 05, 2016

There are Two Kinds of Salad Spinners in this Planet

This Essentialist Salad Spinner sits on the kitchen counter and waits for its owner to spin salad. It was meant to spin salad, its engineering is for spinning salad, and it was purchased to spin salad. This Essentialist Salad Spinner devotes all its salad spinner energies, which are mostly centripetal, to its one calling. And it attends to this purpose, which is arguably divine, with the focused dedication of an Essentialist Salad Spinner. It was meant to spin salad, and it will spin salad, and it will spin salad better than the next salad spinner, which is unacceptable if its not an Essentialist Salad Spinner.

Of course you should know, My Dearly Beloved Sweets Nuts, that by "spinning salad" we mean "washing leaves." And by "leaves" we mean the usual greens that are best enjoyed with dressing. These leaves include lettuce, arugula, and why the fuck am I listing greens, and the Essentialist Salad Spinner attends to these leaves with strict adherence to tradition. Do not doubt the Essentialist Salad Spinner for it married itself to its purpose in the same way that other people pronounce their marriage to Jesus. The Essentialist Salad Spinner knows its shit full well.

The Essentialist Salad Spinner came out of this box with pictures of a Salad Spinner on its front face, instructions for use at the right, product details on the left, and a picture of a thin lady enjoying a salad at the back face. Salad Lady is wearing a green tank top with a smiley face on it.

An Existentialist Salad Spinner, meanwhile, decides that it wants to do something else with its shelf life. It begins as a Salad Spinner from a similar box as the Essentialist Salad Spinner. It came with the same set of instructions, its colander is of the same proportions as the Essentialist, and its pull cord is just as long. The Existential Salad Spinner Agrees that he is built to wash leaves, but he Argues that washing leaves is too "de rigueur." The Existentialist Salad Spinner has appropriated its centripetal force to more personal purposes, like spinning stories, and it has no enthusiasm to the purpose that it has long abandoned.

I am familiar with this one Existential Salad Spinner in particular. His outer bowl is embellished with skull stickers and heart stickers. Anchor stickers adorn its handle, while there are variations of snake stickers and "Only God Will Judge Me" stickers on its cord. Most Existential Salad Spinners, however, limit themselves to simpler ornamentations, however, less extreme, if you may, on account of they don't have access to that many stickers on the kitchen counter. That doesn't make them any less of an Existential Salad Spinner. What sets them apart from the Essentialist Salad Spinner is this marked intention to be something else. Spinning salad isn't really its  thing. And it is not because it is lazy. Hell no, my Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts, hell no. It has other uses for its centripetal force.

On its spare time, the Existentialist Salad Spinner absorbs the written works of Sartre and Kierkegaard, and has expressed an interest in the philosophy of Absurdism.

1 comment:


Blog Widget by LinkWithin