Friday, August 23, 2013

Beauty Queen Teeth

I was smoking in front of TGIF while waiting for the mall to open when I noticed this beautiful face to my left. His perfectly blushed cheeks were radiant as they supported this killer pair of black shades. His lips were as purple as a bad bruise, his nose delicate and pointy like those of a little girl. His thin frame and wide shoulders were draped in this black number that had yellow streaks all over. His sense of fashion can use a little indoctrination, but his face was warm and friendly as it was comely, so I talked to him.

I gave him a warm smile; he was looking at me anyway. "Hi, ako pala si Momel." And he was like, "Hi, I'm Maimai," in that familiar high pitched voice that's as close as one gets to friendly strangulation. Again, Maimai here was beautiful, so I had to ask, "Contesera?" Contesera, or Beauconera, is a beauty pageant regular. And he said, "Dati. I used to, and I've been all around. Kung saan saan..." I butted in because I can't help it, "Taray, nationwide?" He didn't seem to notice, so he went on uninterrupted. "... pero thirty na ako. Matanda na. Graduate na ko dian." And then he gave me one of those obviously practiced smiles that conteseras shine with. And then Maimai's pretty stopped dead in its tracks.

He flashed this set of Very yellow teeth.

I am in my thirties myself, and I've seen a lot of yellow teeth, but seriously, Maimai's stains are the oddest. There's this heavy concentration of that school bus yellow on his upper row.  Which is the only teeth a beauty queen usually displays, and it rested on his lower bruise-purple lips. However, the yellow is darker, heavier even, on his two front teeth. Remember that funny bit where you stick chewed gum on your two front teeth? And then you smile, and the people who see it laugh in surprise because it's hilarious as shit? Because it's a joke? Far unlike Beauty Queen Maimai's golden treasure here?

I breathed a sigh of relief in secret; I was about two feet away from him. Anything closer, like within smelling range of his breath, and I could be spending my lunch hour with an oxygen tank. No, wait, smelling salts, strong ammonia, and then an oxygen tank. I could be paralyzed too, sure, if I didn't keep to my personal space. Anyway, I'm not saying that he's got dragon's breath. I'm not saying he's got killer halitosis. You know what? I'm sorry. There. I'm sorry if I jumped to conclusions. I apologize. So allow me to say this, and I'm saying this from the bottom of my heart: I'm sure, no, I know that beneath all that poorly maintained teeth, beneath all that yellow, beneath all that dental profanity... is just really stinky breath.

So Maimai here graduated from gay beauty contests because he says he's gotten old. Maybe it's high time for him to enroll in som Dental Hygiene School. You see, the same thing goes for old dogs and "old" fags. They could sure learn some new tricks. Maimai here can learn to brush his teeth. Good girl.


  1. Kaloka!! Ang maldita mo! How often do you clean you teeth Momel? No stains? *grins*


  2. orally2:08 AM




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