Forrest Gump Should Have Played Candy Crush Instead

That way, he'll have a better metaphor for life. For those of you kids who have no idea as to what I'm talking about, yet, then let me put you up to speed. Forrest Gump was this dumb hick in this Academy Award winning move that went by the same name. This was in 1994. He was borderline likeable, and he was played by Tom Hanks. Anyway, his main claim to pop culture fame was this gold shit nugget of wisdom:

My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

Remember? Now, if we were to apply today's internet jargon, this quote went viral. It would have it's own Twitter following, it would have trended and ranked, and it will have it's own Facebook page that will be Liked by thousands. However, when you think about it, this bit of imbecile wisdom had the makings of one of the dumbest things ever. Think about it. You were given a box of chocolates. And you have no idea what you're getting? Of course, he was referring to variety, but who the fuck gives a shit about variety? It's chocolate. It's sex in bite sized pieces. It's fattening in excess. It's in a box. And you don't know what you're getting?

"Box of chocolates ba ito? Hinde, hinde. Arinola yan, tinaehan ko sa loob. Naalala ko birthday mo eh. Happy birthday." Nope, I didn't find that funny at all. Let's all give it the funeral it finally deserves.  

Anyway, that fool Forrest Gump should have played Candy Crush instead. And then he'll have better material to shine us with instead. Now, for those of you who are decidedly out of the loop, let me put you up to speed. Candy Crush is this application in Everybody's Ego Gym. Facebook. 

Tiffi

And it is played in levels. Each level has this assortment of candies usually in a box grid. This architecture varies. The point of this game is to clear each level by matching at least three "candies" to comply with that level's requirements. Reach 100,000 points, bring the ingredients down, clear all jellies, fill all orders, be a good Christian and shoot an abortionist in the head, and you do it all by matching at least three "candies." These candies come in six colors. Jelly beans are red. Lozenges are orange. Lemon drops are yellow. Squares are green. Lollipop heads are blue. Clusters are purple. And your shit after too much avocado? Imagine what Bejewelled will be if it was thoroughly less boring, and you have Candy Crush. 

Having said that, allow me to enumerate the many similarities between life and Candy Crush. To hell with Forrest Gump. He's a fictional imbecile. Endearing, yes, but an imbecile all the same. And who gives a fuck about Tom Hanks? He's probably senile now, anyway. And, given the nature of this comparison, I will try to explain things in the least hypnotizing manner. And by "hypnotizing," I mean "sleep-inducing." We're talking about life here. Chances are, you probably have heard it before, usually from less competent sources like teenagers who still live with their parents. You might already have had your share of boring as hell, second hand, unsolicited life bullshit, so I'll try to make it cute. 

1. Candy Crush is what happens when you sprinkle obscene amounts of gunpowder on a rainbow. And then you detonate that heavenly miracle. It's colorful debris then flutter and descend towards your PC/Laptop/Tablet as you are launching Candy Crush. And then these colors, these illustrious remains of what was once an arc of magnificent colors, manifest themselves in vibrant movement as you are figuring this hell raising piece of shit puzzle that is Level 117. 

If my life isn't this colorful, then I'm not living it right.  

To Be Continued

**Haha, I'd rather be a jerk than to murder you guys with too much verbal diarrhea. I love you guys too much to bore you to your early grave, so I decided to economize. This list is roughly two hundred meters long. You can all use a break. But there is a real list, okay, and the last time I checked (or Googled), the words "life is like candy crush" didn't return an actual list. You can try to enlarge on my ideas, but I bet you're boring as hell to pick up where I left off. And, on a spiritual note, fuck you if you do.