**Again, this list here enumerates the different comparisons between life... and... Candy... Crush (stifles yawn). And, like I said before, given the nature of this comparison, I will try to explain things in the least hypnotizing manner. And by "hypnotizing," I mean "sleep-inducing." We're talking about life here. Chances are, you probably have heard it before, usually from less competent sources like teenagers who still live with their parents. You might already have had your share of boring as hell, second hand, unsolicited life bullshit, so I'll try to make it cute.
1. Candy Crush is what happens when you sprinkle obscene amounts of gunpowder on a rainbow. And then you detonate that heavenly miracle. It's colorful debris then flutter and descend towards your PC/Laptop/Tablet as you are launching Candy Crush. And then these colors, these illustrious remains of what was once an arc of magnificent colors, manifest themselves in vibrant movement as you are figuring this hell raising piece of shit puzzle that is Level 117.
If my life isn't this colorful, then I'm not living it right.
2. When you run out of lives, you can count on your friends to give you a spare. All you need to do is ask. However, like in real life, your friends can be bitches, too. And they will ignore your requests because they're too busy posting their 230-thousandth selfie. Which is strangely flawless.
3. There's this person in the office, and I see him a lot, and I am familiar with the neglect he practices on his cheeks. However, I am surprised by the uncommon quality of his overall complexion in his Facebook updates. It's a queer witchcraft, I tell you, and to an extent, it is possessed of certain Jekyll and Hyde qualities.
4. Sometimes, your friends will ask you to give them lives, by and by. Of course, you can be the jerk you always were and ignore them.
5. Completing a certain number of levels enables Tiffi to proceed to her next destination. However, you will need three tickets to board that train, or plane, to your next stop. Unless you have the Facebook coins to pay for your fare, then you will need to ask your friends. Again, they can either give you a hand or ignore you because they're too absorbed in their usual shallow Facebook fare.
6. Level 50 in Candy Crush introduces chocolates. These chocolates block possible matches, and unless they're eliminated, they re-spawn every turn until they smother the board to nothing. Life comparison: an ex-lover drops by, again, and you wish he'd stop doing those unwanted visits because you're moving along at a sedate pace these days. Fuck him and his life updates.
7. If you make the effort to match four candies together, then you are rewarded with a Striped Candy that decimates everything in its horizontal or vertical path. Match five, and you get a Color Bomb that is given to many different board-clearing combinations. These power ups do an terrific job in scoring points and, to an extent, clearing the level. Life comparison: Decisions, decisions, decisions. Sure, you can take the ordinary way out, but where's the fun in that? Wouldn't you rather be explosive, instead? Wouldn't you rather give them hell?
8. Candy Crush is addicting, but it can be repetitive. Life is addicting, too. Because you can't get enough of it. Haha. This shit is totally beyond cheesy.
9. I am currently at Level 157, and the progressive challenges whose asses I have kicked make it all the more intriguing. Life comparison: Exactly.