2001 MANIACS Directed By: Tim SullivanRelease Date: 21 October 2005 Running Time: 87 minutes Language: EnglishHorror Type: Very Violent GhostsSex? - Oh hell yeah Gore? - UnforgettableIts got Robert Englund, that sexy southern accent I can never get enough of, and, for a treat, a fantastic money shot of a gay scene that did astonishing wonders to my nocturnal emissions. Robert Englund, however amazing he was as F.K., never did the gay scene, so that's a thankful bonus. The kill scenes are gory, generous and altogether remarkable in detail, and they work well with this gruesome ghost story, yes, that takes us back to the Great American Civil War. Look out for the sweet kill scene after this ghost story reveals itself. Momel's Rating: 4/5
SEE NO EVIL
Directed By: Gregory Dark
Release Date: 19 May 2006 (USA)
Running Time: 84 minutesLanguage: English Horror Type: Psycho Mama's Boy KillersSex? - A bit
Gore? - Yes
World Wrestling Federation superstar Kane kills off a group of delinquents in this barely-there slasher flick that's as tired as they get. He's this towering hulk of evil intent that uses the strength of his fingers to pop out his victim's eyeballs. Why? So they see no evil. Get it? Anyway, it can be argued that he does this all in the name of Jesus; this mama's boy had a severely Christian upbringing which, ironically, caused him to gouge eyeballs in his adulthood. Twisted? Not really. I mean, not enough for a real horror movie.
He used to do choke slams and tombstones when he was a wrestler. He gouges eyeballs out as serial killer. You'd hope they transitioned him well as a psychotic super murderer, but no.
Momel's Rating: 3/5
**I devised this quiz myself, and, being the sore enthusiast that I still am, I know all the answers by heart. This is how some geeks are conceived.
Click on the link at the bottom for the answers.
1. In which episode were the Crypt Keeper's parents revealed? And what's his mother's show name? His father?
2. What chemical caused zombies to reanimate in Return of the Living Dead?
3. In the Resident Evil series, which private company was responsible for the annihilation of Raccoon City?
4. Who said "They're coming to get you, Barbara!"
5. Who was the hero in the Army of Darkness series?
6. Who played Anne Rice's Queen of the Damned?
7. What is the name of the Queen of the Damned?
8. Who was the Devil who possessed Regan in "The Exorcist?"
9. Who played Regan MacNeill in "The Exorcist"
10. Jason Voorhees was supposedly drowned as a kid in which summer camp?
11. Who gave his voice to animate the CryptKeeper puppet?
12. What do you call Pinhead's minions in the Hellraiser series?
13. Which toymaker designed and created the puzzlebox which trapped Pinhead and his minions?
14. Which actor played Freddie Kruegger?
And here are your answers:1. Episode: Lower Berth. His Parents: Myrna the Mummy (his mommy...) and Enoch the Two Faced Man (his pa)
2. That chemical compound is Trioxin. Of course you didn't know that.
3. Umbrella Corp.
4. It was a famous line delivered by her brother, Johnny. He died.
5. Ash, played by the infamous Bruce Campbell. Personally, the Jim Carrey of B Movies.
6. Aaliyah. God bless her sweet soul.
7. Queen Akasha kicks ass with her sexy demonic dancing and her ability to will any vampire to spontaneous combustion.
8. Pazuzu. How do I know all these? Well, I just do. He hee
9. Linda Blair. And it was her most famous role, too.
10. Camp Crystal Lake. Drowning almost did him when he fought Freddie Kruegger in Freddie VS Jason.
11. John Kassir. You can't miss that name when you've watched the first three seasons twice.
12. The Cenobites were a very interesting crew of deformed demons who pledged allegiance to Pinhead after he's had his way with their mortal bodies. They're mortal no more
13. Philippe Le Marchand. Sexy name.
14. Robert Englund. I also love love him and his Southern Accent in the remake of 2001 Maniacs.
I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good. And I will still be writing my reviews. But they will be, shall we say, reduced to bite size pieces on account of the pressure that the word count impresses upon my creative economy. Wordy! What I'm saying is that the earlier reviews are queen bitches in their detail-specific glory, and they make my shit hard. Anyone got a spare laxative I can use?
Oh, anyone ready for a horror movie quiz? I'm writing one now, nothing much, fifteen items, but I want to see if there are any real aficionados out there.
I'm dead serious. I'm swearing by my bowel movement.
**If you look at it closely, there is some sort of a moral buried here somewhere.
My horror reviews simmered at seventeen. I could have said peaked, but I didn't, on account of I'm still desensitized myself and am seeking greater pleasure elsewhere. I could have said "My horror reviews peaked at seventeen," but I didn't. I said simmered, and there is still a big difference. Diction is key, and no, don't be stupid with your "why the fuck is this fag talking about diction when I ain't hearing him fake the American accent none."
See here, according to Mr Webster:
There is a horror behind this recession slash hiatus. It came to a point when I needed to have a pen and some paper BEFORE I even plug the DVD in because I'm looking out for some clever epiphany in the course of my viewing pleasure. It was necessary, because I needed to collect my clever and these details in writing. So I needed to have a pen and something to write with while I'm watching some horror flick. They say I look cute when I multi-task.
Anyway, that's how I get things done, and the way things were done was becoming mighty tiring. It became more of a task than a pleasant distraction, and it takes the fun out of watching a horror movie because, back then, I was thinking of writing a kick ass review. Seventeen reviews later, and I'm still mighty sore as a consequence.
