**I copy "cannibalism" in this context from the Esteemed Mistress of the Universe. Meanwhile, here's a selection of "safe" crap from my notebook.
1. It is only in Facebook where your copper plated, base metal life turns into gold. And for the most part, this alchemy applies to your face too.
2. I remember watching Dead Silence more than five years ago. I just got home with a festive selection of food from the mall. I was then lying down on the couch after putting my house clothes on. Prince, my long Siamese, was grooming himself on the couch next to me, and Joel, my partner, was tending to something "domestical" in the kitchen. It was raining a bit, perhaps a gentle drizzle, and we were about to have lunch in a few minutes.
Those were good times. Those were truly happy times. Joel has a wife and two kids now, and Prince died of liver complications in 2013.
3. Limiting your reading limits the quality of writing that you want to create and enjoy. So tell me, Homo, what are you going to do about it?
4. You will need to hand it to that darling group of planeswalkers. Thank you, you guys, for inviting me. No, seriously, thank you for letting me in somehow. You guys are awesome.
5. Q: Is it cannibalism when you suck dick? A: Contrary to popular belief, sucking dick is not cannibalism. Swallowing cum is.
6. "Fully Charged Brain Coffee with Industrial Grade Nicotine." This is what I call my folder of morning songs that include Jessie J's "Domino" and Ariana Grande's "Break Free."
7. One difference in having male friends over female friends is that your male friends don't go like "we're not that close yet" when you insult them with heart.
8. I served ten years doing technical support, ten years, ten goddamned years, a decade of internet troubleshooting. I resigned after ten years, to the day, and I'm just learning the ropes of being a lady guard now. So no. Don't you goddamned lecture me about comfort zones. You are barking at the wrong, indignant tree, bitch.
9. Make the little things count. Be grateful for all the right things, however small, because it accumulates to radiate a bigger shine. Yes, I do borderline emo fag from time to time.
10. I remember faking sleep on the couch in the garage at two in the morning because I was waiting for my ex to come home and feel sorry for making me wait. This is a true story. This is a distasteful story.
11. I like you, but your extra-pronounced forehead is oilier than the Middle East, so no.
12. "So, you're the writer," said this kindly stranger, a woman in her 40s, surely. "How did she know" was the panicked nagging in my head, and "what does she think of my shit" was the distinct whisper. I lose my cool whenever anyone discusses my writing, even in passing, so you will imagine my embarrassment when this kindly stranger mentioned "writer" and "you're" in the same Hello.
I blushed and went "ihhh."
13. I will miss their status updates, and Like-ing pictures of sick kids because, apparently, One Like is the one prayer that didn't happen. And I will miss their viciously edited selfies that nearly erased their "outfit of the day" face, and their "just woke up" face, and their "where to go" face, and their "I am swag" face. I will miss the captions that are irrelevant to these edited pictures most definitely.
I meant to quit Facebook, but that didn't happen because I like looking at Bruce and his beautiful face.
14. My mouth's as wide open as the last time I had a raging erection two inches from my face.
15. I miss You who gave me the perfumed white rose. I really do.
16. Hey girl, I have written better shit than the "Goiter" non-story. Try "It Could be Worse" for size and perspective.