Hard Fucker Lady Boy, Coming Up!

**This post is about time, really, and the title has got nothing to do with the content. Nope, nothing at all. Not even spit. That absolutely irrelevant title, however, was mighty amusing. It once issued from one of my funny friends, Alvin, it registered, and I just had to use it somewhere. And there you have it. 

**Meanwhile, on a more personal note, I was actually excited to post this list. 

1. If you're a dude, never mind if you're a gay dude or a lady dude, hell, let me rephrase that. Labels are confusing. Okay, say for instance you have a biological dick, and you're done pissing, or urinating, or peeing, whatever. And you're still shaking it after five seconds, then dude, you're playing with it. And, chances are, you're playing with it in public. Five seconds tops. Perv. 

2. If you find yourself looking at a complete stranger for more than three seconds, then, chances are, you are interested in what you're looking at. Or you are captivated. Or amused. Or aroused. Or he/she is just so bitching ugly that you're still registering the specie of this human shaped deformity. And you can't find the right insult to get started. Don't be hating, you mean motherfucker. 

3. Say for instance you have a biological dick. And you're still trying to pee for more than thirty seconds now. And no piss is being ejected. And there's a burning sensation down your nether regions. And some pus, too. Then you owe your urologist a visit. Get to it. 

4. If you haven't been menstruating for nearly a month now, and you are beginning to worry because you're just sixteen, and you're now scared shit because you cannot be pregnant at such a tender and promising age. And you're a boy. Then, chances are, you are not pregnant. What you are, however, is a tripping homo. 

5. Say for instance you have a biological dick. And you were supposed to get hard twenty minutes ago. You are now horny as hell, but nothing is happening as far as your dick goes. Then, chances are... hahaha, hell, this is just rich. You go ahead and finish this. Or maybe you can't. Hahaha. 

6. Personally, I've had premature ejaculations that had better timing that that corny bitch and her tired "Hinde! Hinde!" spiel. This is a reference to comic timing, and why a lot of those hardcore Vice Ganda wannabes don't get it. 

7. Let me tell you a story. I was sitting on this bus this one time. And I was seated next to, oh sweet mother of Christ, that fine piece of man Carl Guevarra. Anyway, it was a hell of a bumpy ride. And then Carl Guevarra turns to me, his handsome face pleading and hopeful, and says, "Oh Momel! I have this real big problem with motion sickness! And the only proven remedy is a good blowjob. Do you think you can help?" And I said no. 

8. That wet dream up there, number 7, never really happened. 

9. Say for instance you have a biological dick. And you are not number 5 up there. Anyway, it's just two minutes, and you already came... Or ejaculated... Or climaxed... And it's just two minutes, then... hahahaha! Hahahaha! Two fucking minutes?! Hahahaha! For real?! Hahahahaha! Lousy fuck. 

10. If you're this guy, and she hasn't fainted yet after five minutes, then you can try administering a stronger rape drug. Or you can lose the cap and the hood so that she can see your real face. Haha, if I'm such a dick then why are you still reading me?