From 9pm to 4am

**It took six years for this light bulb moment to take place.

I wonder how this will proceed.

After three years, we found ourselves talking on the phone for more than a few hours than is necessary. We were on it from 9pm to 4am, just like the sweet old times (and I say sweet like a charged surfer dude, not because it is beloved), and he was his usual accommodating self. I realized I missed the same chatty jerk that I really liked for some reason, and I say jerk with polite deference and honesty. He's probably cute, but he's more than that, really. I find it troubling and wonderful at the same time that we can actually talk without getting real tired about it.

We haven't been hearing much from each other since 2007, though. That was when I moved out of my mother's house to live in with the first man whom I shed tears for. And we only had this opportunity just recently, W and myself, to salvage what communication we had left. That was last evening when we talked for about seven hours straight, although I had to take a couple of ten-minute cigarette breaks. I did most of the talking, sure, but that was how it was always been in the first place.

I tell myself that I'm not cheating on my live in partner, J. I'm simply catching up with W, whom I met way earlier than J, and with whom I had more in common with. I wonder why I just said that? And I wonder why I've been writing about W hell of a whole lot lately. And I wonder why I can't stop trying to recall W's face and funny talk - he tends to slur his Rs like he's half-gargling them.

Ohh, shit. This brings me back! This brings me way back, and sweet motherfucker, going back got me nowhere fast. And things are way different now, and I'm far too mature now, oh hell yeah, even for one of the better distractions of my twenties. Maybe I'll just cut things off with W before things go out of control; I know full well that I'm in for a long motherfucking haul. And I'm referring to myself when I say "things." And besides, he'll be leaving for the US next year, and I know he'll make it, because he's way too magnificent for this bullshit third world hole and its goddamned plumbing. I'm thinking it will be ideal to cut my losses this early on. But I'm also thinking of sending him a text message; I don't know what I'm going to tell him, but I'm doing this to reach out.

NOTE TO SELF: Fuck, definitely letting go. And I tell myself I'm doing this because he doesn't deserve none of this no more. I'm talking about W.

August 9, 2010