Sunday, March 14, 2010

what the fuck, What the Fuck, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SAYING ANDREW E?

**I ain't no grammatical great myself, but at least kids aren't reading me. And the TV's turned ALL THE WAY up when I was doing my research because I wanted no room for mistakes.

He was once this celebrity judge in a local talent show, and he's more popular now, at least in my book, because he gave ass kissing a most unprecedented low. He was a celebrity because he's the poor man's MC Hammer, the local champion of dirty hip hop (and by dirty, I mean unwashed), and he reached celebrity status because he rapped his wet dreams. I grew up listening to these songs. Poor fucking me.

So he's this celebrity judge in a local talent show, and how it goes is that them judges are subject to "eviction." Text and audience votes are tallied at the end of the week, and anybody with more than 25% of the votes will be evicted. So what Mr. E does (E for Espiritu, the dude has his own Wikipedia page, believe it or not) is that he does everything in his Hiphop Powers to flatter flattery to such flattering flats. His comments are nothing more than generic pats on the back, and his ten-week tenure as a guest judge meant that his brown nosing paid off. In a major way.

It can be argued that he knows what he's doing, but he's such a goddam phony about it. He's not much of a judge as he is a kiss ass businessman; he's making easy money out of flattering people, and he knows its an easy job. Plus, airtime Is airtime, bad publicity is still publicity; he just needs to stay there to flatter some more, because the more he flatters, the longer he stays.

He remained a judge for ten weeks. He was actually inducted to the Showtime Judges Hall of
Fame. They actually Have a Hall of Fame! It's right there in their Wikipedia page. They actually Have a Wikipedia page! I don't mind that; the show's fantastic.

Now the trouble I'm having with Andrew E as a guest judge in such a widely received show is that his comments are stupid grammatical piles of shit. Really, impressionable people are watching this show, and Mr E is spearheading their miseducation with his rotten English, I should know, I did my research, and here's a fine sampling of Mr. E's erroneous ways:

1. "Very one in unison" (how's that for redundant)
2. "Pinaka-okay sa akin yung 'Alzheimer's Effect' ni kuya." (Translation: "I think his 'Alzheimer's Effect' is way okay!" And he was referring to some elbow trick by this Cebuano dancer, but Alzheimer's Effect? This shit is so unhinged, I couldn't make this up myself.)
3. "Mind everybody when I say this." (This was before he made his comment. What's with minding everybody?)
4. "Nabilang ko na apat na beses nagpalakpakan yung mga tao kanina. Palakpakan naman diyan!" (Translation: "I counted, and the audience clapped their hands four times earlier. Clap your hands everybody!" They're probably tired already.)
5. "May I say, and I do say, you're a hard act to follow!" (So which is it?)
6. "Sino ang gimmick master niyo?" (Translation: "Who's your gimmick master?")
7. "Ilang taon siya? Fourteen? It's not her time and yet naisayaw niya ng maayos." (Translation: "How old is she? Fourteen? It's not her time and yet she was able to dance that well.")
8. "Pulidong pulido ang costume at ang design ay parang sa aboriginals." (Translation: "The costume's so fine, and the design is so aboriginal." He was referring to a zebra-print leotard.)
9. "You are a very very total creation." (Something's very very amiss.)
10. "Effect na effect ang energy ninyo." (Translation: "Your energy is very much in effect?" Help.)
11. "In all due fairness..."
12. "Your dance moves are, shall I say, split to the second."
13. "Your animosity is too high!" (When asked to define animosity, he says its something about facial expressions. Are they too high?"

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