Friday, February 05, 2016

Notes on The Bikini Open (A Blow by Blow)

**Seeing all these lean, oiled bodies parade in the smallest of underwear aroused, of all urges, the need to write. That, my Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts, is some truly absurd, counter-cocksucker shit. But I have this list to show for it. Meanwhile, cheers to my 450th post. 

Credits to Barangay San Miguel's Facebook Page for the event, the pictures, and the material.

1. This impressive fiesta of faggots made up 110% of the audience. What's curious is that, with their long hair and their fake boobs and their potholder hips, they're mostly of the effeminate variety. I was wondering where the "discretely bisexual" population is, and then the male contestants started sashaying on the stage. 
Work it. 

2. The people in charge have decided to kick start the Bikini Open with a prayer. The audience complied to the emcees' request to stand up, and then the DJ played "The Prayer" as popularized by Celine Dion and Andrea Boccelli. Or Boticelli. Or Whatevercelli. 
I'd like you to meet two of my funniest friends, Powkie and Anton. 

3. This old lady to my right captured all this ceremony with her tablet whenever she felt like it. 
I do not selfie out of principle, so here's a photo of me in the crowd. The black tanktop I'm wearing should give me away. 

4. The best seats in the house are, of course, enjoyed by the judges. And then the next best seats, obviously, are those enjoyed by their friends. I was sitting behind my judge friend where I have dedicated, full frontal view. This, My Dearly Beloved, is VIP access. 

5. They had feathers, and spears, and sequins, and gilded scepters, and all shades of glitter, and magnificent halos. And that's just the men, those beautiful boys and their blameless sock bulges. The women are, well, they're okay.
Feathers. A spear. Sequins. Contestant Number 14 here sheds all that, and then some more, in the latter part of this sexy show. 

6. There's this drag queen who did a lip syncing gig. Her name's Maja Kubrador, and her act will be my death by laughing. 
Maja Kubrador is the natural beauty on the right. She elbow drops and then hadoukens her partner on the second intermission. 

7. One of the female contestants said she'd like to "Thank Oxygen for my pants." I had no idea what that dumbass was talking about. What pants? Meanwhile, I was thinking of thanking oxygen for the air. You have no idea how crowded this gym is. And the air smells like cocksucker breath, too.  
There's your homosexual litmus test. Yes, I am 100% fierce, thank God.

8. I look at the contestants' tattoos, and I promised myself that I'll get more. Way more. You see, my Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts, the tattooed contestants are way sexier. 
And there was this other male contestant with tattoos on both of his knees. Meanwhile, Spear Boy here can impale me anytime as long as I'm not on lady guard duty.

9. It is the dragging motion with which these ladies and gentlemen sashay... no, walk... no, trudge across the stage that I find... It was unusual, at first, when Contestant Number One walked like she needed minor surgery on her left hip or left knee, or maybe a liposuction on her left foot. And then it became common when a succession of candidates, up to Contestant Number 28, continued faking this nearly sexy handicap. 
She limps towards the front and center, literally, and then bares all creamy whiteness. I guess it's some rehearsed handicap that's common with Bikini Open contestants.

10. I feel that it is my noble duty to report that one of the male contestants gazed at the other male candidates in a remarkably predatory behavior. 
Work it. 

11. His teasing would have given me an instant erection if he didn't have too much foundation on. And concealer. And if his nose wasn't that lined. Or his lips that MAC pale. 

12. Reflectorized underwear. 

13. You are killing me, Maja Kubrador. Your comedy is a felony, that's what it is. 
She climbs the walls of the gymnasium in this number. In those slacks.

14. You can make out the very fingerprint of their cock heads on those bikinis they are wearing. And no, it's not the fabric. It's something else. Are those, perhaps, fake cock heads? 
It will be funny if the female contestants had cock bulges too. Imagine this: Contestant Number Five walks to the center of the stage to receive the bouquet of flowers and cash prize given to the Thickest Hair. Her eyes smile her appreciation, the crowd  applauds, and then her left nut slides out of it's poor tuck.  

15. Like I said, the tattooed guys are always the hottest.
My basement flooded everytime Contestant Number Two walked that run way. Every single fucking time. 

 16. It's the boys and their push ups, and their spider web bikinis, and their seductive gymnastics. One bikini was garters and an eye patch, and it was red, and the way his balls juggled left and right in them was spectacular. He smiles vaingloriously, and he's taking it all in. They're doing all these for so little cash, but something tells me it's more than that. 
Two words. Cockhead fingerprint.

17. My friend, the judge, had the best best seat in the house. No contest. No fucking contest. You don't see the contestants displaying their biggest angles from where you are in the back row, right? 

18. At the end of this long day of beautiful teasing boys who allow themselves to be air-fondled, and their encouraged crotches, and their glistening litheness, and their suggestive gymnastics, at the end of all this, I am suddenly sick of dick. 
This is Dick. Dick has been walking around progressively smaller bikinis for more than three hours now. Dick is tired of this shit and shows it on his face. Dick is honest but persevering. Be like Dick. 

19. There is something slightly melancholic about seeing these men and women displaying themselves with nothing more than a smile and an eye patch, or spider webs, or ropes of fabric. 
This is where, after about three hours, they give out the minor prizes and send the losers home. The remaining contestants parade in smaller bikinis after this brief intermission. That goes on for another hour or so. The losers are lucky.  Be like the... I'm kidding, My Dearly Beloved. Be like Dick, instead. 

20. It has been four hours now, and nobody has won yet. 


  1. YOU should annotate for TV Patrol and replace Mario Dumaual.

    Or anchor and replace Gretchen Fullido. Then celeb news/reportage would be far more interesting. Ahahahahaa.

    1. You noticed my reporting more than those delicious pictures. You are a darling, Erik. Thank you.

      Muahness from Pasig Cirrehhh

  2. Contestant cockhead fingerprint is shockingly cute and so are those two in red oxygen pants.

    You didn't feel the need to say who won because you think everyone's a winner, correct? I could be wrong but I think we are all winners here because look -- package pointers and thick thighs and bulges.



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