Horror Story # 1: Your Selfie
There was this ugly gay boy who posted an unedited selfie in Facebook. And this is what it looked like along with the customary quote.
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| "If you don't want to take my picture, then I'll take it myself! Shit!" |
Now, there were several reports that explain why this unedited selfie was even let loose in the first place. His friends say he's the overly vain And overly ugly kind who was as confident as he was unsightly. Our shuddering sources say he asked his closeted gay friends to dare him do it. He was somewhat disappointed that nobody asked him to do it. But he went for it anyway because he thought that unedited selfies will trend.
There were others who insisted that he was half-drunk at the time this abominable crime took place. His reasoning was paralyzed with whatever he was drinking then. Meanwhile, they refuse to admit if Ugly Gay Boy here was drunk with alcohol or if he was drunk with his incredibly intoxicating conceit.
A third theory, and I am serious as I am writing this, came from his very close friends. They say that Ugly Gay Boy was trying to impress an office mate. This could make sense because Ugly Gay Boy here was very conceited, after all.
However, the "Why?" behind this incident is nowhere near as horrifying as the reports that issued from nearby hospitals and lying in clinics. A doctor was, after a few shots of vodka, reported to have said: "We have never... oh my God... In all of my twenty-something years of medical practice, this was the first time that I have diagnosed somebody as having epileptic seizures and violent diarrhea. Combined! I remember they were rushing in three of those poor people every half hour or so. And this continued for the next twenty four hours. Why, they were literally shaking and shitting all over the emergency room! And some of them... oh Lord... some of them had it so bad, they had blood on their feces!"
"You will not believe what our wards looked like, and smelled like, two days after this epidemic began. And you, you poor thing, you will not get that nightmare out of your head. (Tears are running down his face at this point. He sobs. He sighs.) It was like... It was like somebody decided to re-enact The Holocaust in Pasig Cirrehhh!"
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| Image from Worldwar2-facts |
I am finally writing this next paragraph after borrowing the courage from a ream of cigarettes.
I had to mention that there were also similar reports from nearby lying in clinics. This is because the expecting mothers are (makes sign of the cross) a terrible casualty. They decided to conceive, immediately, after suffering from the same epileptic fit slash uncontrolled bowel movement. Which is, of course, understandable. They'd rather give birth on the spot, than allow ugly gay boy's unedited selfie to linger in their memory. They were expecting, after all, and their haunted memory of ugly gay boy's unedited selfie will have bothering effects on their undeveloped angel.
"And besides," one ex-mother revealed, "my little kid looked better in her second trimester than Ugly Gay Boy will ever be in his twenty something years."
Meanwhile, Ugly Gay Boy refuses to take responsibility for the near-genocide that his unedited selfie caused. He refuses to answer questions and dismisses inquiries, as well as threats to his life, with that "Bitch, please" look on his unsightly face. He is still at large, and is still logging in to Facebook. His account is not yet disabled. He is still ugly.
This may or may not be a true story. Ugly Gay Boy may or may not be gay. And, by the same token, our villain may or may not be a boy.
Horror Story # 2: What are You Doing, Little Girl?
I will post this next week. Haha.
