Friday, December 16, 2016

Top Ten Reasons Why I'm This Close to Hating Filipino Taxi Drivers (Updated with Your Comments!)

**Of course, I am not referring to ALL of them, but there are certain drivers who give you THE impression that they all attended the same dipshit taxi driver college.

**Meanwhile, I first wrote this six years ago, December 10, 2010. I felt like reposting this now on account of I sort of miss the interaction I had with my readers then. Plus I am still licking scratch wounds somewhere, and that has been keeping me from publishing fresh content. 




1. They have to stop over for a gas refill. While the meter is running.

The only reason why a middle class queen bee like myself hails a cab is when I feel like I'm going to be late. My kinky night job guarantees less traffic, so I can allot some ten minutes to get to the office. Imagine my frustration as some taxi driver takes away five minutes of my allowance to refill his tank. We could have been using those five minutes to close the gap between my person and the office, but no. Hateful Taxi Driver Man has to take his time with what he can be doing while he's cruising, and he takes mine in the process.

Of course, I can always leave home earlier, but I have to allow at least thirty minutes to prepare, twenty minutes of which are spent in the washroom rolling the packaging tape.

2. They are closeted war freaks.
I remember this one time, just recently, when this driver got into a heated argument with a truck driver who refuses to give way. The taxi driver stops our cab in the middle of the road, catches the attention of this truck driver, attempts to pull him over, and he shouts the foulest of expletives at the same time. Its not love at first sight. Mr Taxi Driver Man is obviously provoking the fight out of Chickenshit Truck Driver Man. Chickenshit Truck Driver Man, being the surprising coward that he turns out to be, stays behind the driver seat and screams like a girl.

My Macho Posturing Dick Taxi Driver Man was grinning like a champion inbreed as he drives me home. This after alarming the shit out of my person.

3. They're sometimes grossly unhygienic.
Imagine being in an enclosed air conditioned space, and you're sitting next to this taxi driver who, after several minutes, reveals his alter ego without as much as a warning. Or a handkerchief. You find out that he doubles as this symphony conductor who specializes in wind instruments. Now, imagine those wind instruments as hoarse and throaty pipes with some sort of fluid discharge. And you find residual specks of said discharge on his steering wheel.

And then you begin to wonder: should you investigate your arms and the sleeves of your shirt for similar traces? You're thinking about it, because it will appear unethical. See, you want to shower him with kindness, as he was doing you with his spittle. So fuck you, Phlegmatic Taxi Driver Man, you and your unused Good Morning Towels suck.

4. They a. bore you b. make you uncomfortable c. freak you out with unnecessary small talk
And, as always, its the same old unending tirade on oil price hikes, bitch fits against the government, and oil price hikes. And bitch fits against the government. See, its the same silly tiring truck you probably heard from the last taxi driver who drove you home. And from the one before him. And you'll probably be adding your current driver, Boringly Dense Taxi Driver Man, in your list.

I actually wrote a piece about this certain sub specie. You might want to check out "My Three Wisemen Rode Metered Camels."

5. They drive with a death wish. And, being her gay impersonator, I just quoted Jessica Zafra.
It's a wonderful way to commute, them taxi cabs, what with the isolation from them cheap ass jeepney passengers, but it just might turn out to be my coffin with wheels as Eat Your Heart Out Knight Rider Taxi Driver Man here goes 300 on a 120mph road. Mach 5, baby. Sure, they take me home faster, but I still want to get home. Like, you know, alive and stuff.

6. They over-charge.
Its either that, or they don't offer Basic Subtraction in Taxi Driver College. Or they never make sure that they have coins or small bills. You know, with which to make change. So what I do is I make sure that they do; I sometimes pay with coins. Of course, this is simply in response to their scripted "Ay, wala kayong barya? Wala akong panukli diyan." (Ay, do you have smaller bills? I wouldn't be able to make change.) I'm just being a girl scout.
That's how you deal with the Greedy Dipshit Taxi Driver Man. You sometimes have to be an asshole in return.

7. They give you a hard time when its raining.
We all know that, by default, they overcharge when its raining hard. That's a fairly charitable understatement. And that's if and only if, underscore ONLY IF they agree to drive you to wherever the hell it is you're going.
Imagine yourself suffering this screening process for close to an hour, only to have your relief cut short by having Choosy Sonofabitch Taxi Driver Man small talk you to death on your way home. If the small talk doesn't get you, then the scary driving will. Or the fare.

They should know that karma in the year 2008 is digital. Its faster. Like broadband faster. Waaay faster than it was ten years ago. They should shudder this early on.


8. Sarah Geronimo should know that she used to sound like Celine Dion, but she was still a virgin back then. So she ought to stop trying hard to hit those notes because she's becoming so borderline desperate.
Oops, wrong list. But, while we're at it, I still think she should stop wearing those shiny clothes, too.

If you don't know who she is, then don't google her. What you don't know won't hurt your eyes or your ears. Or your sense of proper manners. Its not nice to throw insults, see?


9. You sometimes need to add twenty to fifty pesos more.
And then they'll take you in. It's either this, or number 10.

10. They forget to turn the meter on.
Of course, we know this is just a practiced scam which gives them the excuse to charge you their preferred fare. It's either this, or number 9, which ever comes first.
11.
You forgot to mention ODORS. I've endured many a taxi ride, inhaling at 3 minute intervals because of the rank stench of any of (but not limited to) the following : sweaty feet, shawarma armpits, or wet dog. Seriously. -- Sitting Pretty
Oh, good point, Sitting Pretty. And then sometimes, they sleep on their own cabs too, their bare feet resting lovely on that steering wheel after a whole day of driving. And I'll wager my long legs that those steering wheels stink of foot sweat.

12.
"What about taxi drivers who'd pretend not to know your destination or those who'd take the looooooooong route" -- Orally
And then Vajarl goes for the kill with this darling example

"Kanikanina lang, pasakay ako ng taxi, sabe saken "Magkano po binabayad nyo ron?" Sabe ko "Di po ba may metro?" Sabe nya, nako hindi kase ako naghahatid don, kaya magkano bibigay nyo?" Since marami akong dala, nagsabi na ko ng "70 pesos".Malapit lang naman. At 70 lang ang barya ko. Sabe ba naman "Eh 70 ren yun pag minetro ko eh." POTANGENA LANG." -- Vajarl
13.
"Been reading your blog for a while now, and I gotta say you elevate shit into fine art". -- A Fistful Of Moonbeams™
I was thinking of another Sarah Geronimo punchline, but I had to post this darling comment. I am now an artiste. Or something with enough quality crap to his bearing. And for all the right reasons, I figured I could well use a compliment.

14.
"One time I was on this taxi on my way to Eastwood.

The driver was flipping between radio stations. Somehow, the rock songs, OPM ballads, the "Tot-tot-tot" do not appeal to him, so he keeps switching.

And then he stopped at a radio station playing a song he liked.
"Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera'" -- Glentot
Maybe he was crusing, and that Christina Aguilera song was an invitation to his... motives. Scary.

This reminds me of this one time when this driver asked me what time I was supposed to be at the office. I know I left home early; I have about an hour left before logging in, and then the commute will take me another five minutes. Tops. So I told him that I was early for work. And then he asked me if I want to check in a motel with him.
I said no. Because he was old and he was likely 12 out of those 14 hateful taxi driver types. And with that in mind, allow me one more quote

"I maybe easy, but I'm not cheap!" -- Aubrey Miles, from the movie Singles

28 comments:

  1. HAHAHA at the Sarah Geronimo remark. Someone finally had to say it. I'm happy 'it' was you :)))

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  2. Couldn't agree more. ;)

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  3. korek na korek Khie! wala na yata akong maidadagdag!

    babati na ako ng maagang hapi pasko sayo!! muahh..enjoy!!

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  4. #3 I totally get! Whenever I encounter Phlegmatic Taxi Driver Man, all I'm thinking is 'Please God, let me have the exact amount(fare) so I don't have to touch his hand when I pay him.'

    I once had one who took two 1-peso coins from his little coin box and proceeded to use them as tweezers (holding them together between his thumb and forefinger)- plucking little hairs out of his chin stubble. WTF?! I sat there, staring at his oily pockmarked face and grime-caked fingernails, with this incredulous look on my face wondering whether I should be repulsed by this odd hygiene ritual or impressed by his ingenuity.

    You forgot to mention ODORS. I've endured many a taxi ride, inhaling at 3 minute intervals because of the rank stench of any of (but not limited to) the following : sweaty feet, shawarma armpits, or wet dog. Seriously.

    BTW, I just discovered your blog tonight! And I'm so glad that I did. You are laugh-out-loud funny.I needed a laugh today.

    Hope you don't mind long comments by random straight girls. Happy Holidays from Cebu!=)

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  5. I'm ok with #4, I can tolerate that.

    What about taxi drivers who'd pretend not to know your destination or those who'd take the looooooooong route

    I guess you won't be giving Sarah a powerhug any time soon Momel hahahah

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  6. Marie4:12 AM

    #4 is my top of the list.. Hate small talks.. have to pull out my earphones to say "ano po yun?" LOL!

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  7. at talagang napasama si sarah sa listahan...ahahahhaa...

    u know what (im sure u dont), sa tuwing nagbibisita ako diyan sa manila, palaging number one na tip sakin is magingat sa taxi drivers.....

    nashoshock na nga lang ang mga divers bakit may dala akong malaking mapa..ahahahhaa...

    at oo...dapat patinuhin na yang mga drivers na yan.tangena nila.lalong lalo na sa mga drivers na pumaparada sa airport. tingin nila sa mga lumalabas sa airport mayaman..potagena nila..

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  8. Nothing beats Al Pacino's Tavis Bickle in 'Taxi Driver'. I think he all these rolled into one except the beat on Sarah Geronimo.

    Been reading your blog for a while now, and I gotta say you elevate shit into fine art.

    Way to go!

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  9. You mean Robert De Niro,dummy.

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  10. Haha, well, thank you, Adam. So nice of you. ;)

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  11. Hahaha I've met them all... And more.

    One time I was on this taxi on my way to Eastwood. The driver was flipping between radio stations. Somehow, the rock songs, OPM ballads, the "Tot-tot-tot" do not appeal to him, so he keeps switching.

    And then he stopped at a radio station playing a song he liked.

    "Beautiful" by Christina Aguilera

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  12. Lahing Aswang. Putangina! Napamura talaga ako pagkakita ko nung picture. Hahaha.
    I especially hate drivers who don't even have the decency to ask for permission to fill their tanks up. Parang gagu lang eh bayad kada segundo. Ang problema pa, minsan nagmamadali ka na ng bonggang bongga keribels pa kilos nila.
    I freak out everytime strangers talk to me. That doesn't apply exclusively to taxi drivers. So I'll let them go easy on this one. :p
    Kanikanina lang, pasakay ako ng taxi, sabe saken "Magkano po binabayad nyo ron?" Sabe ko "Di po ba may metro?" Sabe nya, nako hindi kase ako naghahatid don, kaya magkano bibigay nyo?" Since marami akong dala, nagsabi na ko ng "70 pesos".Malapit lang naman. At 70 lang ang barya ko. Sabe ba naman "Eh 70 ren yun pag minetro ko eh."
    POTANGENA LANG.

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  13. WHY SCRATCH MY BALLS AND PAINT ME RED! Look at this darling wealth of comments!

    Arwind,

    And you notice how she's straining on those high notes lately? And notice how effortlessly she used to belt those motherfucking octaves two to three years back? She shouldn't have lost her virginity. She shouldn't have sold out on those endorsements and used the time to practice. I'm a jerk.

    Wahaha!

    Ronnie,

    Ohh, look here -- fresh meat. Thanks for dropping by and sharing the same loathing towards that insecure cunt they have in Channel Two. Oh, you mean which one?

    Cheers Arwind and Ronnie. Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  14. Powkie na may Ph D sa Tamology,

    Napaka-aga naman nito, Teh, at ikaw pa ang naunang nagbati sa akin. More to come. Di naman ako lalabasan nito eh, kasi nga bilat ka, kaya keri lang.

    Wahaha!

    Kumustang Lomography?

    Random Straight Girl Sitting Pretty with the Long Comment,

    Ohh, look do we have here (that was my Alma Moreno moment) -- fresh meat! (that was my German Moreno moment)

    Ahaha, we're peas in the same disgusted pod on the Phlegmatic Taxi Driver Man. I don't arm myself with a prayer. But I tell him he's gross, outright. Yes! I've seen that amazing coin-tweezer improvement, and although it's highly unhygienic, we still have to give them props for their third world cleverness.

    Touche on the odors bit. But I'm not touching that with a ten foot dipstick.

    No darling, I don't mind long comments. I am mighty pleased that you dropped by, and it would be such a daisy if you can keep on coming back. Sure glad I was able to make you laugh!

    Cheers Powkie and Sitting Pretty! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  15. Orally,

    That makes two of us. I don't mind the small talk myself. I actually have several posts which were inspired by these conversations with taxi drivers.

    Fuck Sarah Geronimo. I am now reminded of that YouTube bit where, in a hideous display of insecurity, she stole the limelight from GLEE'S Sunshine Corazon.

    Marie,

    Ako I don't mind the small talk. But then again, sometimes, it's just the same song and dance all over. These taxi drivers should have a chat room sometime, and the chat transcripts will have nothing but politics on them.

    Cheers Orally and Marie! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  16. Malditz,

    Oo, naalala ko talaga yung pekpek na yun noong sinusulat ko tong list na to. Nakaka-burat kasi yung putanginang betch na yun eh.

    Yaannn, nakahinga na ko ng maluwag. Ahaha, hugot na hugot lang!

    Heto tip para sa next time na magpupunta ka dito sa maynila -- mag bloggers meet tayo! So far si Glenn pa lang name-meet ko eh. Nagset ako ng meet nung Sabado, pero nag cancel naman yung mga nag-confirm. Nasayang lang yung kulot ko! Syett!

    Keme. Pero di nga, bakit hindi tayo mag bloggers meet minsan na pupunta ka dito sa Maynila. Tas si Glenn din! Tas kung sino pa may gusto diang sumama, basta wag lang babakla bakla at magca cancel sa last minute. Syett!

    Ahaha, keme lang. May next time pa naman eh.

    A Fistful Of Moonbeams™,

    Ohh, look do we have here (that was my Alma Moreno moment) -- fresh meat! (that was my German Moreno moment)

    You said --

    You elevate shit into fine art.

    And you're pulling my well tucked dick. Ahaha, I'm a jerk. Thank you for dropping by, you lovely darling punk!

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  17. I almost forgot -- Cheers Maldito and Moonbeams! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh! Oh look!

    Adam,

    Thanks for being such a lovely, darling troll! I've never had one of you guys in my blog, and I am mighty pleased to the very anus for the representation. Ahaha, I'm this pleased because I do a lot of trolling myself, I mean, in the old days. I still do; I bash gay kids and their hideous renditions of GLEE songs.

    Keep dropping by, will ya?

    Moonbeams

    You know what I adore about your handle? Fistful? Moonbeams? It takes anal sex to such astrological depths that it's magical and enchanting at the same time. Thanks for being such a good sport, you lovely darling punk!

    Cheers Adam and Moonbeams! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  18. Glenn,

    I think you happened to chance on him as he was channeling his inner Diva. Ohhh, isolation does make you do things, now don't they. And speaking of which, are you fucking okay now, ha Glenn? I'll let you know when I have the Twisted 9 book!

    Vajarl,

    Ahaha, swak na swak ano?

    Recently eh walang anomalya ang mga taxi drivers na nasasakyan ko pag papunta akong office or sa Salcedo. So wala akong bagong bitchfit sa mga buwakangsyet na to, although I will be updating this list with those suggestions made by them prior darling punks.

    Cheers Glenn and Vajarl! Mabuhay Kayo! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  19. Ahhh I read my comment again, ang daming grammatical errors!!! Kadiri.

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  20. Hello Glentot! Talagang dito ako nag hello. Haha.

    Naalala ko nanaman si Manong driver. Partida, bulokin taxi nya.

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  21. Andoy,

    Kahit marami pang grammatical errors yan eh labyu pa rin bhie. Muah!

    Vaj,

    Honga, bat di ka dun mag-hi sa rising porn capital ng pinoy blogs? Wahaha, keme lang Andoy!

    Cheers Glenn and Vajarl! Mabuhay kayo at Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  22. I actually don't know if I should consider myself lucky that I don't have to take a cab that often (only when work takes me to Makati, or as far as QC, which happens very seldom--because I work in Alabang) or not, since I take the jeepney to work everyday. I've blogged about my jeepney experiences, and they don't just concern the jeepney driver, but the other passengers as well. haha.

    But you have to admit that experiences like those above make life more interesting as they become fodder for chismis, or blog posts in our case. =)

    (first time to comment, tho I've been here before. Ü)

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  23. sorry na, but I remembered something. If you hate drivers who make small talks, pano na lang ako? I am the one who usually initiates "small talks." Whenever I need to travel from Alabang to Manila, I always call TAI Taxi and their drivers naman are all nice. Plus, calling them means walang metro, so it's always a fixed amount, usually P400 from alabang to Makati. Hate na rin kaya nila ako? haha!

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  24. momel,

    canned message to:

    PS; paki remove completely ng link ko sa bloroll mo. Then add a new one with the link:

    thegreatmaldito.wordpress.com

    expired na kasi ang domain ko and go daddy closed it completely.:(

    ReplyDelete
  25. Kaye,

    Uyy look do we have here (that's me channeling Alma Moreno) -- fresh meat! (that's me channeling German Moreno)

    Tamaa! I suppose we all have our favorites; I pay extra attention to most things third world, like the drivers, and then some. Ako naman, I don't mind the small talk. What I do mind is the awkward silence that follows the first two minutes of rapport. Buti na lang hindi date ito!

    Thanks for taking the time to comment! Hey, Kaye, do you know Johnny Morales?

    Malditz,

    Ahh, kaya pala ad yung kaninang nakita ko nung ni check ko yung site mo kanina. Walang problema, bhie, update ko agad yan. Okay lang kahit di mo ako makuhang i-add sa blogroll mo, walang problema dahil hahamakin ko ang lahat, masunod ka lamang.

    PAAAKING SYETT! HANGTINDEHH!

    Wahaha!

    Cheers Kaye and Malditz! Mabuhay kayo and Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

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  26. Hello. I am a graduating student from UP Manila and blog hopping led me here. :) I was wondering if you could answer a survey I made regarding Filipino bloggers. This is for my thesis and answering will only take you a couple of minutes.

    http://www.kwiksurveys.com/online-survey.php?surveyID=HLEKII_31745bbc

    Confidentiality will be of utmost priority. Answering my survey will be very much appreciated. Thanks and Merry Christmas! :)

    ReplyDelete
  27. haha! I so basked in that Alma Moreno remark.

    At may I research akech kung sino si Johnny Morales because I don't know anybody by that name, at naisip ko na baka mamaya it's some kind of a joke or something. Inosente de ti pa naman ako. hahahaha!

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  28. Melovesflying,

    Uyy look do we have here (that's me channeling Alma Moreno) -- fresh meat! (that's me channeling German Moreno)

    I tried doing your survey, but its got too much checkboxes for my own good. I will do that some other time. Do you have a deadline, you darling punk? You love flying? Are you always high?

    Wahaha, I'm a jerkk.

    Kaye,

    Ahaha, I think I like that line so much I will be using that for a template.

    Oo, he's this rugby player slash columnist at Madame Jessica Zafra's blog. I was just thinking!

    Uy, thanks for dropping by!

    Cheers Melovesflying and Kaye! Muahness from Pasig Citehh!

    ReplyDelete

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