The Story Behind This Tattoo (Part Two)

**This here's my review of Angela Carter's "The Bloody Chamber." It turned out the way I conceived it, and it had fangs and spit and all that arsenic goodness, and it received a corrosive whipping because it was "needlessly philistine." Meanwhile, those two words further improved my admiration for The Mistress of the Universe.

This tattoo will remind me, to the day I die, to keep at it. 

And what do I think of Ms Angela Carter's Bloody Chamber? 

1. Ms Carter tried to exhume fairy tales that were buried with our childhood. And, to a weird gay nerd like me, exhume is a rather attractive description. 

2. I was having a hell of a time trying to re-read the first paragraph of this book. For the second time. And then it hit me. My poor eyes have become feet. And they were dragging themselves tired up this mountain of words that used to be, at first glance, a paragraph. But I have a commitment to honor, and I rallied myself up, and I read on and on and on, until forever terminated, at last, in that one elusive period which celebrated the end of that very first paragraph. And then the second paragraph is a different trek of its own. How did that feel? Yes she can be wordy to a fault, and her sentences can be four hundred meters long. Why, there were instances where, I swear to God, she squeezed two pages of a thesaurus in one paragraph alone.

3. It can be wordy to a fault. Maybe she's trying to emphasize on styles and themes and symbolism and the bigger picture. Shit. I read to entertain myself, not to think. So these objectives are dead to me. This book might be pushing for those things, but to me, it's just wordy. 

4. Erotic? It will be a straight yes, and that is only if you happen to be aroused by 12th century dentistry. It's the long sentences that undid my imagination; they did to my appetite what inexperienced tit-biting does to foreplay. It absolutely killed the mood. 

5. I'm a child at heart, first, and then a jaded homosexual nerd next. It is my nature, and this collection greatly appealed to one of these natures. And it thoroughly disappointed the other. See, fairy tales helped develop me. They did to my brain what yeast does to barley to create beer. And, more importantly, fairy tales take us back to our childhood. But this book makes me want to look back, and smile in recollection of that one time I was being strangled. Because that sure as hell felt better. And it's not even in a sexual, erotic asphyxiation content. 

6. It absolutely missed my fairy-tale G-spot by a mile. No, a time zone. But it tries to be twisted, and it does so with some moderate success. I was reading about how the Nazi made soap out of the fat of corpses when I was given this assignment. And twisted can be very relative at that point.  

7. It is an interesting treasury of euphemisms. So if you are meaning to enrich your choice of words, then you will do well to give this book a good borrowing. Or downloading, if you're into that. 

8. This collection can be an obscene pleasure at best. But it is armed to the teeth with sentences that swell with a hundred thousand words each. These will knock the wind out of you. That being said, let me, out of the kind generosity of my heart, share some useful advice on how you can best appreciate this collection of zombified timeless classics. Read it cross eyed. That way, you can imagine that you are getting twice the value. But then, it will be twice that many words, so we might as well dismiss that tip. Of course, I'm kidding.

Photos from My May 8 Tattoo Session

**Again, if a picture is worth a thousand words, then allow me to gift you with five thousand, My Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts. 

To Our Tattoo Haters Part One: What Happens When You Get Old?

**Now if you can please focus your attention to the use of the phrase "Tattoo Haters" in between the words "Our" and "Part." There you go, that's right. Keep that in mind, Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts, and know that I love you long time muahness from Pasig Cirreehhh!

I will be like this except maybe for the stomach tattoos. And I will find friends with more tattoos than I have, and we will remain friends until we smell like urine every time we meet, and we will have a bad ass picture like this someday. This is what will hapen when I grow old. It's either this or lung cancer. 

I Will grow old with my ink, and that's about the long and short of it. People will continue to be freaked out in secret. I have gotten used to that, and I am growing to like the unnecessary attention.  You, however, will never appreciate that because you are as indecisive as you are judgmental. I decided to get inked, I will brave the consequences, and I will manage with shining confidence. 

I endured hours of needles puncturing my forearm, my wrist, my chest, and that area above the armpit it a bitch. The needles puncture my skin at a rate of 50 to 3,000 times a minute (a sewing machine runs at 750 stitches a minute), and, more importantly, it's not just one kind of needle. We're talking specialized needles that are compressed in threes, fives, nines, and fifteens. And I sat through hours of repeated infliction because that special pain delivers something beautiful and thoroughly personal. I am the kind of person, we are the kind of people that sees past the blood and the puncture wounds and beholds the beauty behind it instead. So you will understand why we are more concerned with Tattoo Maintenance and After Care and points a dirty finger at Public Opinion. 

Leave us and our growing collection of tattoos alone. You don't get that kind of untoward attention, you will never understand how that feels like, so you mind your own business. 

And having said that, allow me to tell you haters the truth behind growing old with tattoos.  

Fuck your insecurity, fuck your like-minded friends and your mob mentality, fuck your self-serving standards of what is acceptable, and, most importantly, fuck your obviously weak brain and its terrifying lack of original opinion. Do something with your limitless time. Masturbate until your palms bleed, and leave us the hell alone. Or as we say it in the third world vernacular, 

"Isalsal mo yan, gago."

Tips for Your First Tattoo: Maintenance and After Care

**I asked my well-decorated friends for tips on tattoo after care, and Mr Dante Machete here delivered with charged enthusiasm. Slow clap, everyone. No, seriously, and do it in a circular motion so it looks rehearsed. Thank you. I planned to collate what tips I could collect in an organized list, but my awesome friend here handed over a mouthful of after care wisdom. I couldn't have done it better myself. I'm kidding, I actually could, but Mr Machete's comprehensive list here covered everything so well, you'd suspect he did gift wrapping in a mall somewhere. 

Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts, meet the dashing Mr Dante Machete. Don't be a dick, say hi to this wonderful gentleman and his list of Tattoo Maintenance and After Care.

His right sleeve will be completed in a session or two, he's got a Japanese chest piece that's to die for, and you watch out for his left sleeve, too. This is the kind of tattoo placement that I'm after, but gayer.

The color and the well preserved shading tell us that his applauded tips work.

Thank you, Mr Machete.

He has more tattoos than I have now, so I'll shut my pie hole. He knows what he's talking about. Like a boss, Dearly Beloved, like a boss. 

For those of you Not in the know, Mr Dante Machete used to DJ in 102.7 Star FM (April 2008 to July 2009), and then he moved to 107.5 Win Radio (November 2010 to april 2013). He had roughly four years in the airwaves, as a DJ no less, and that makes him more awesome than awesome. He is awesomesauce. This probably explains why his Facebook page is closing in on 10,000 Likes. I knew him when he was doing Technical Support (was it last year, Mars?), but he has since moved on to studying law. Yes, Dearly Beloved, he's taking up Law in the University of the East where he'll probably end up as one of the main bad asses of Junior year next year.  

I call him Mars, but he's straight as an arrow, a 5'11 250 lb arrow that can punch anyone until they're unconscious. Again, Mars, thank you for this list. 



Dante Machete's Rocking Tips on Tattoo Maintenance and After Care

Tattoos are works of art. And every work of art, in order for it to last, needs care and maintenance. Here's what I will share regarding tattoo care, starting from after getting it done until it becomes fully healed. 

1. After getting your tattoo and getting it properly wrapped in the shop, the first thing that you must do when you get home is to wash it with warm water and soap (Safeguard is good). Wash it with your hands only. Do not use a towel. You need to use your hands because your hand produces warmth. Warmth helps in washing to let the ink properly set under your skin. The reason why you should use warm water is so that you can remove and melt away the blood clot that developed on your tattoo as well as to remove the unwanted discharge that your skin produced when it was tattooed. 

2. You need to keep your tattoo clean. If it becomes infected, expect a crappy looking tattoo with a crappy surface. You want to keep your skin smooth when it heals as much as possible. 

Mr Machete is completing his right sleeve with this piece by his artist, Icos Dongogan.

3. Be sure to hand wash your new tattoo with warm water and soap for the next three to four days to remove the discharge your skin produces every time you take a bath or whenever you feel you need to do it. 

4. Take necessary steps to treat your new tattoo like a wound to prevent bacterial infection. A tattoo is actually a wound and in order for you to heal your wound properly, you have to dry your wound. Either you take antibiotics to prevent pus or you can put rash cream to let it dry. You can do both depending on your preference.

5. Remember that if you will be taking antibiotics like Amoxicillin (500mg) thrice a day, you should not take alcohol while on medication. Drinking alcohol while under medication negates the effect of the drug. 

Because you don't want to mess with this guy and his tips.

6. For people who can't resist alcohol, you can always use a rash/tattoo aftercare cream like tattoo goo that you can use externally.

7. A good cream that I'm recommending is Drapolene Cream which is indicated for the relief of nappy rash and for use as an adjunct to baby care hygiene for the prevention of nappy rash.Drapolene is indicated for the relief of urinary dermatitis in adults, and as an adjunct to patient care hygiene for the prevention of urinary dermatitis.Drapolene is indicated for the symptomatic relief of minor burns, limited sunburn and the effects of weather.

It works wonders and I have used it personally. Your tattoo is sure to be dry within 3-5 days. You need this cream to prevent scabbing and to let your tattoo heal faster. It also helps relieve itching. The current price of one tube is about Php 236.00 at Mercury Drug. Apply the cream as needed.

8. Never ever scratch your tattoo when it is itchy! I think this is one of the most important things that you can do for your new tattoo. If your tattoo is scratched while it is still not fully healed, your tattoo will be damaged and the money and pain tolerance you've invested will just go to waste. If your tattoo is big and you have multiple sessions left, it helps if your would is in good condition to prevent your artist from retouching it. If your artist goes back and forth, it will just take extra time for your tattoo to finish. Plus, you will experience more pain. So be considerate and help your artist by making sure that your wound heals properly.

Rock and be proud of your ink. Take care of them well. They will last you a lifetime.

9. Important reminder: Do not use petroleum jelly to keep your tattoo moisturized. What petroleum jelly does to a new tattoo is that it pulls away the ink from your skin. It causes your tattoo to be less colorful, less full, less vibrant. It is no longer advised by tattoo professionals. 

10. Keep your tattoo moisturized by using lotion. Use natural and unscented lotion in order to prevent skin irritation.

11. If you want your tattoo to always look good after it heals, don't let your skin be dry. Keep it moisturized with lotion. "Kung hindi ka maarte nung wala ka pang tattoo, pwes ngayon na may tats ka na, maging maarte ka na."

Tips for Your First Tattoo (Part One)

**There are millions of qualified... tipsters out there, but read on if you want to hear it from this gay dude. Whatever. This long-ish post does not include tips on after care or maintenance. That will be for the next mouthful.  

You will meet a genius artist in the future, and She will administer miracles on your skin. Trust me. I owe my first half sleeve to the awesome brilliance of my current artist, Rakel Natividad.  

I think I was 23 when I got my first tattoo. It wasn't like I have always wanted to get inked. No my Dearly Beloved, that was never the case. I wasn't one to try to look cool. "Cool," whatever that is, doesn't look cool on me anyway. 

Tip #1. Don't do it because you think it makes you look awesome. Just don't. You see, there will always be someone with more ink, prettier ink than you, and then you won't find the balls, the slightly littlest mini-balls to stand next to them. What then? Be humble. There will always be someone with a larger, far more beautiful piece. 

What I'm saying, Dearly Beloved, is that your ink belongs in the dermal layer of your skin. And it stays there until you die of AIDS and then decompose. The problem with some people is that they let the ink crawl up the veins that connect to their brain. This mutates to an unbecoming ego that wasn't there in the first place. That ego will make a dick of you. Bitch, please. Don't be a dick with ink. Be humble. 

This is where the ink goes, and this is where the ink should stay. Picture borrowed from sciencebuzz.org

I was on my second telemarketing job when this dude in the office, Lucky, asked me to go to some parlor with him. I was a little on the slow side then, I didn't get the joke, so I agreed in a heartbeat. It wasn't because Lucky was cute; he had a dog's name and his complexion was the feces of an old man with colon cancer. It wasn't because Lucky was rock and roll; he was this soft-spoken, straight guy who had the blue ribbon manners of a prince. Lucky wasn't the kind of guy who gets a tattoo. He doesn't have the pluck or the spit for it. Yes, he had a nice pair of pearly white shiners, and he was built like a hard fucker, but I went with him only because he was getting tattooed for the first time. 

I was 23 then. What the hell do I know of people who get tattoos? 

Tip #2. Unless you are equipped with a thoroughly bankable skill set, and by "bankable" I mean "profitable," try to get yourself a steady job before getting your first visible tattoo. Most companies take it easy on the admission of tattooed employees, but this colorful percent of the workforce possess  equally indelible qualifications. If you have neither skill nor experience, then this tip is for you. Yes you. Nobody else. But you. 

Think about it, noob. What can you and your tattoos do? 

Funny. I mentioned "job" in the same breath as "telemarketing." But I sold useless online yellow pages for nearly two years, so yes, I suppose I know what I'm talking about. Shut your pie hole. 

Of course I was curious! I have never seen Lucky get tattooed, or anyone getting tattooed for that matter, so I said yes faster than your ejaculation. It was in the height of this charged curiosity that I decided to get tattooed myself. Why the hell not? If Lucky can get one, then why can't I? I wanted to know how it felt like. I don't mean to state the obvious, or to be a repetitive homo, but I was exceedingly curious so I decided to get a tattoo myself. Fuck Lucky, flucky haha, and his tattoo, I elected I'm getting one, too. I was 23, and I was reckless. 

It's supposed to look like this. Picture borrowed from Taiwanese Secrets.

I decided to get a Chinese character for Passion. And it will be red. I was 23 then. That was more than ten years ago. My first tattoo was "Passion" in red Chinese characters. I used to have such pedestrian taste. I don't miss it none. 

Tip #3. You "can" disregard relevance and meaning and epiphanies and significance as far as your first tattoo goes. Throw drama to the wind and just go for it. This saves you the trouble of explaining your first tattoo to everyone who pretends interest and asks about it. You can go like' "Why the hell not?"

The thing with tattoos, and I say this on a personal note, is that each individual puncture wound embeds more than a rebellious streak in your being. It's deeper than that indelible piece of art on your skin. You can choose whatever you want, fuck relevance, because it is more of a mental experience than it is masochism. It changes you a bit. And you can always cover up that piece of crap design you devirginized your skin with. Do it for what the pain will do to you.  

Later on, you will find a better artist when your taste in tattoos mature, and She will administer miracles on your skin. Trust me. 

I chose "Passion" in red Chinese characters because everybody's getting Chinese characters somewhere. Truth is, I was never that Passionate about anything then. Like I said, I don't miss the shallow decision-making process I employed in my twenties. That is so exceedingly gay.

Tip #4. Try to refrain from black ink for your first piece. Black is the hardest to cover up. 

We were in his artist's shop a few days later for the consultation. Gene T. was this smiling dude in his mid-thirties, big eyes, bushy eyebrows, yellowing teeth, white shirt, and a ponytail. He could be hot if he didn't go AWOL with a ten-thousand peso deposit ten years later, but that's another story. You see, he could have at least replied to my texts or answered my calls or made his presence known, the smell of burning candles will work, but no. Oh hell no, Dearly Beloved, he took off with a ten-thousand peso deposit and my loyalty ten years later, and I'm still sore in some places. 

Meanwhile, I was shining smiles and then some more the first time I met Gene T. Again, he could be hot if he hadn't taken off with a ten-thous... He agreed to take us in, Lucky and I, as clients, and our sessions were scheduled the following Saturday. He charged 1,000 php for every four square inches of skin. We left with our designs and a one-thousand peso deposit, five hundred each, and then I got even more excited. I was so wet with anticipation, I was a goddamn flood gate. I'm getting tattooed! 

You cannot get any more excited than that. Picture borrowed from Davelashbrook.

Tip #5. Be all polite and nice and civil and law abiding and New Testament and Code of Hammurabi and all that creamy goodness towards your artist. He will embellish your skin with forever art. You should know better than to be on his bad side. Be nice and grateful to your artist. 

Having said that, I recommend that you please consider tipping your artist. Seriously, Dearly Beloved, tip. Ten percent is ideal. Not only is it common courtesy, but the gesture will take you a long way. Be nice to your artist.  

Gene T's tattoo parlor opens at around 10:30-ish in the morning, mall hours, and we, Lucky and I, had two bottles of the local beer they serve to weak types like us at eight that morning. Can you, my Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts, can you find it in your loving heart to blame us if we were drinking that early in the morning? Sure, we were young. Sure, we were stupid. Sure, we had change and a few hours to spare. But we were getting a tattoo an hour or so later, and we had to brace our weak, weak telemarketer hearts. 

We smelled like a brewery when we got to Gene's shop. I will spare you the details of the tattooing process, for that will be another two hundred thousand words, but I will write that by and by. I will tell you this much, though. Gene finished my red "Passion" in a little under two hours. It hurt, sure, like a bitch, but this wonderful hurt explained why certain people get repeat tattoos. 

And, on a related note, I bled like a virgin. Touched for the very first time. I wouldn't have been drinking earlier had I known then what I'm about to share now. 

Tip #6. Do not drink alcohol before your session. Alcohol thins the blood and makes profuse bleeding happen. Expect some blood as the needles puncture your skin, but it's not supposed to drip. Alcohol guarantees that, for real. Again, my Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts, do not drink alcohol before your session. 

Hell yeah. Picture borrowed from Quickmeme.

I was smiling beyond myself when I saw this beautiful, foreign Chinese character on my right arm. It felt sore, and it felt warm, and a thin stream of blood trickled down my elbow as my reflection smiled back at me. Gene wiped the blood off with a wet tissue, and then he wiped the rest of my tattoo clean. Oh that motherfucker smarted, really it did, but it felt better, encouraging even, when he smoothed a thin layer of petroleum jelly on my new ink. 

Gene told me to keep applying petroleum jelly on my tattoo for the next couple of days. Try to keep it dry, he said, it will heal eventually, he said, and it will be far more beautiful, he said. He never mentioned anything about the smell of a wet dog while the tattoo is healing, but I didn't mind that. I knew I was ready for my next tattoo. 

What of Lucky's tattoo? Remember his was the complexion of the shit of an old man with colon cancer? And he chose black ink for his first tattoo. I imagined I saw some of it, but I said it looked rather dashing on him anyway. It was dragon-ish-esque something.  

Tip #7. Take your hands off your dick, Dearly Beloved, for I am about to say something of paramount importance. Thank you. After care is boss. After care is boss. After care is boss. After care is boss. After care is boss. Thank you. 

I can write about the proper way of caring for your new ink in the future, but I am now tired and can use a little kinky myself. Anyway, I solemnly swear, My Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts, to follow through with Part 2 sometime soon. I'll see you then.