From the Sematary of Non Issues: The Insult Comic

**Some other kids wanted to become pilots or doctors or teachers or lesbians.I wanted to become a voodoo priest or a ghoul caller or a grave stitcher or a necromancer, until I found out that there is no such thing outside of a Magic Card. So I raise the dead with my writing instead. Meanwhile, this issue has long died and went to the hell of non-issues. 

Ten points to whoever names this little homicidal darling. 

What business does an insult comic have with being sensitive? We bore witness to you offending people on TV, and when I say "we" I mean millions of us. We know that you have multiple mean bones in your anatomy, and this structure is perfect for your kind of comedy. You were infamous for insulting people that are more influential than yourself, and nothing stopped you. You were good at what you're doing, so you kept that up. You might as well. You make the homos look good, which is a funny kind of good, and it's a good kind of funny too. 

Imagine my confusion, however, when you gave us that show of indignation the other week! You appeared on national TV without a hint of basic powder, not even a dab of basic blush, in a basic white shirt on a basic pair of jeans. You showed up in your basic self, and you looked so basic, sub-basic, even, if that is a word, because you meant to display how honestly common you truly look like. I am not one to act surprised, so I wasn't. I kind of have an idea that you're not much of a looker since I spent hours looking at your pre-celebrity youtube videos, which were filmed in the dark, usually, on account of you worked in a comedy bar. Anyway, you even took your hair piece off because you were so into the bullshit indignation behind your "Beauty Fades" monologue. Remember this, though: this was one a noon time show, in one of the more influential networks in the third world. You displayed your basic face and your receding hairline while most everyone's having lunch because you were imagining that you have a point. 

"Beauty fades," you said, because that's the kind of crap that went well with the rice we were eating at that time. That's rich, coming from you, from you of all people, from you of all millionaire comic insults. What happened? All those hatefuls trolls got to you because they were right for once? I know the drama is as real as your straight boyfriend's affections towards you, and I know that your Beauty Fades Show is a cheap appeal to sympathy, but why did you, of all Insult Comics, resort to that? It's a hot mess, reconciling an Insult Comic with an Appeal to Sympathy, because you have no business giving us all that drama. What? We cannot be mean back at you? What? You can't take the same honest crap you're serving on a daily basis? What? We can't read you back? What? What about that show's ratings? 

For crying out loud and fake, you're making millions of currency with your insults. You, of all people, can't be that sensitive.