Friday, March 11, 2016

An Intro to a Horror Movie Review, and then the Actual Horror Movie Review on Yakuza Apocalypse

I gasped with pleasure as I entered the vacant orchestra of Cinema 12. Paranormal Island does have the makings of a piece of shit B movie, but I never expected this, not this sheer absence of the audience. And it excites me, you know, to walk into an empty theater to watch some horror film on its last screening of the night. The dim light on my wrist told me I have some fifteen minutes left before this decidedly obvious garbage starts, so I hop scotched my way to the men's bathroom. Hurrying is not the manner of the gleeful. We hopscotch while gasping with pleasure. 

And then I found out, on my way to the bathroom, that there are five people in the balcony. The light from the widescreen advertisements reflected old people's faces. This makes perfect sense because you cannot be looking forward to watching this drivel in your youth. I am young, relatively, on account of I can still hopscotch and gasp with pleasure. Underscore still. 

Do not go out and watch this movie alone. Stay at home and masturbate, instead. 

It was around twenty minutes into the movie when my eyes smelled like garbage from lying in clinics. And then it dawned on me that I should be doing movie reviews again. And I will, My Dearly Beloved, I will. Just let me segue into what can be the best piece of news ever. 

 All Hail Them Creeps

Theirs is the only horror movie opinion that matters to me. And I have access to their brutally funny reviews again. Click here.

Now, having said that, let me tell you why you, My Dearly Beloved Sweet Nuts, might want to consider watching Yakuza Apocalypse. But before anything else, let me refresh your memory. I am not an expert on Horror Movies. I am a connoisseur, yes, for I have very exacting tastes that are refined by three decades of devotion to horror movies. I know now what I want to be seeing, and I know what sort of murders excite me. I know who the Final Girl will be, and how the Gun Rule kills the mystery. I am still on the look out for the One Crazy Plot Twist. Meanwhile, I am not an expert, and I don't have an expert's opinion. You can refer to your Facebook News Feed for that kind of crap because anyone with an internet connection, and their mother, seem to be an instant expert at some shit. And they think so too with such uneducated audacity. 

Horror Movie Review #39: Yakuza Apocalypse

It should be said that the fine, fiiine Akira is played by the equally fine, fiiine Hayato Ichihara. This movie features a hot man with a full back piece tattoo. And he flooded my basement twice. 

1. The World's Toughest Terrorist is some guy in a frog costume: fabric and Kermit-green. Alright, his martial arts Are spectacular, but what makes him truly dangerous is his Kaeru-Kun Death Stare. His bulging frog eyes (on that enormous frog head, fabric and Kermit-green) become netted with bloody eye veins, and his iris become two angry red pearls. The effect the Death Stare has on people is the kind of torture you might see in someone whose lungs are being strangled. Are you seeing the face now? 

Fierce is a Frog Costume vs a Yakuza Vampire. And then there's me. 

2. "Yakuza Vampires" is a bad ass phrase, sure, but it does not, and I mean Does Not hold a candle to a Frog Costume with a Death Stare. 

3. The idea behind "The Garden of Civilians" is the Yakuza Vampires sprout humans from the soil for vampiric consumption. Oh yes. We are looking at equal parts of absurd and brilliant, and how the hell can you not love the imagination of the Japanese?

The Garden of Civilians is a real garden. Flowers grow on human heads, because these humans are being harvested for the vampire gardeners. And there is a rainbow, too, for that happy happy joy joy effect. 

4. What's a vampire story without people turning, right? It turns out that the Japanese are way ahead of us. Their newly turned vampires inherit a strict Yakuza personality and a full back piece tattoo. So let me ask you again, My Dearly Beloved. How can you not love the imagination of the Japanese? 

5. The climactic boss fight is where our hero and the last bad guy standing scream and then punch each other on the face, at the same time in between measured intervals, until one of them's unconscious. The victor doesn't have enough time for that kiss with tongue. A kaiju (an enormous Japanese monster like Godzilla or Mothra or King Ghidorah or the sort that Ultraman Ace karate chops when he feels like it) wreaks havoc somewhere, the hero unfurls his bat wings, and he flies somewhere for the ultimate battle or maybe to buy juice. 

6. You should know that Takashi Miike directed this piece of eye gold. 

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