**Presenting... a bitch fit.
I wouldn't go nowhere near you if I wanted to have a good time. That's barring lame sexual innuendo, because your shallow sense of humor's probably beginning to come up with something corny in a few minutes, maybe five because you're not much of a quick wit. You can try the picture on the left. I placed it there to help you crack a really fantastic comeback of an insult.
Eat your heart out genius. And no, that dude in the picture looks nowhere near like me.
You're no fun. Really. You have to know this now before its too late. See, your idea of a good time is stripping people down behind their backs, inciting paranoia, catalysing factions, provoking really pointless arguments, being two faced, and very VERY dull jokes. So you'd understand, hopefully, why your opinion regarding this matter isn't really much of a priority. You wouldn't know fun if you were fucking it.
Hell, you wouldn't know shit from a hole in the ground.
There are people like you out there, so this isn't really something specific. Or special. I'm saying that as a disclaimer, because its very highly possible that, at this point, you're thinking this post is about you. Conceit's a funny indulgence, might as well be the ONLY funny however humorless thing you're capable of.
Where were you when that boat sank? Wish you were there. Wish you all were. I'd like that.
There was once this fraudulent email they circulated about this poor chap Art Bell way back in 1997. It was severely derogatory and altogether violently racist. Legends tell of how one Art Bell was quoted as "Nothing respectable has EVER been created by Filipino people during our entire human history." And he goes on ahead and says "You have no concept of culture...no concept of asian ideas or asian philosophy! Can you demonstrate how you use Confucianism or Taoism in you everyday life?? You can ' t. And you will NEVER be able to. I understand that you are trying to create an identity for yourselves as young people... but it is NOT related to Asia. Your Identity is Filipino. That ' s all you are. Just Filipino. Think about what that means...."
You can only imagine how third world Filipino shit boiled in their NFA-rice-dissolving intestines. So one very patriotic May Munoz, at least that's the name that circulated in an equally distributed email, created a response that spells Team-Spirit in a very lengthy composition. It concludes with the following statements printed in their entirety without as much as any proofreading concerned, all caps and grammar as they are.
YES...WE CAME TO YOUR COUNTRY TO WORK, TO EARN DECENT MONEY (HALF OF WHICH BY THE WAY GOES TO TAXES BECAUSE THERE ' S SO MANY SOCIAL PARASITES FROM YOUR RACE).AND BY THE WAY, MOST EDUCATED PEOPLE THAT I WORK WITH DONT COME FROM YOUR RACE... THEY ' RE ACTUALLY IMMIGRANTS TOO. AND THOSE EDUCATED ONES DO NOT ACT LIKE YOU DO, PERHAPS BECAUSE THEY ' VE REALLY BEEN WELL EDUCATED..AFTER ALL THAT ' S SAID... WHO IS THE IGNORANT ONCE AGAIN?! I
It is a fraudulent email to begin with, but it had its consequences. Dire, to say the least. It's a bad joke really, and the real Art Bell "suffered financial bankruptcy and discrimination because of this hoax." I'm quoting from a recent email that was circulated to reveal the stupid behind this very cruel joke with a very smelly punchline. Now, we wouldn't know if there was an actual May Munoz behind the bad grammar, but really, does that sound or read like anything an advocate will compose?
Grammar attack. How very cheap of me.
I will be resuming my Let's Talk About posts shortly. I will be saving for this:
And this
Tales from the Crypt. 7 seasons, 93 episodes, 23 DVDs. I have finished watching the first three seasons. Twice now. Tales from the Darkside. 4 seasons, 90 episodes, 9 DVDs. Produced by George Romero. Enough said. See, this does to me what color does to the eye, so there. I just hope they accept PayPal payments.
Dear Ms. Rihanna, Hi. How's life under your umbrella? It has come to my very disgusted attention that there is this wickedly TAGALIZED version of your hit song, Umbrella, being circulated in our third world airwaves. 
Of course, you might be thinking, why are them Filipinos translating my smash hit into teh-gay-lowg? Ma'am, and this is just me thinking, we probably ran out of songs to revive. That's maybe how its like when you're living in some poor country. We're in the third world, and we're probably mostly malnourished enough to disable real creative songwriting. It's a growing threat to the increasingly imaginary concept that is OPM. Original Pinoy Music. It's something of a term they popularized in, I think, the 70's mostly because it never carried over to the year 2000. It's probably resting in pieces anyway. Some of our better songwriters haven't been very particular with their output, and that's a bad thing because we don't seem to be running out of singing contests that are spawning champions that sound alike. That's the problem. Too much wannabe singers, too little material.
The proposed solution is to resort to bastardizing classics with very, very charmless versions. See, before this tagalized embarrassment happened, we were reduced to singing other people's songs, adding a few rifts and unnecessary power belting here and there to call them our own. Yes ma'am, I know, its all so very fucking retarded.
No, I don't know how to answer that other question though. I really don't get it. We have battalions of call center agents with practiced fake accents to match. Most civilized countries repair to us for cheap labor because our English sounds better than the heavily curried English they have in Bangalore. Our comprehension of your language is faintly acceptable, so you'll think we don't need help in understanding what your songs translate to.
Then again, we probably DO, because we have retarded countrymen that took the time to TAGALIZE (do a tagalog translation) and then RECORD their irritatingly cheap versions for everybody's annoyance. I reckon they're doing it to irritate rather than to gain profit, because, honestly, nobody in their right minds will believe that such trash will sell. BTW, your tagalized song is entitled "Payong." That's tagalog for, well, for umbrella. You'd think they can try to spin it around a bit, but noo.
And this is what I'm writing you about.
P.S. If you have time, please let Flo-rida know that you guys are in the same boat. We also tagalized LOW.
And here are your lyrics
Bihag mo ang puso ko, hinding hindi na magkakalayo
Kahit sikat ka pa, ay ikaw lamang sinta
Kahit dumilim pa man, ang kotse di'y kumikinang
andito lang ako, maglilingkod sayo....
Kasi...tayo'y parang araw, sisikat
Pangako ko sayo'y di ka iiwan,
ikaw lamang ang aking kaibigan
Sumumpa pagkaibiga'y d mawawala
Ang unos ma'y biglag bumuhos
Di ka na mauulanan
Di ka na mauulanan……
Di na, di na
Hinde… hinde… hinde….
Di ka na mauulanan
Di na, di na
Hinde… hinde… hinde….
Mga karangyaan, ay hindi hadlang
Ikaw ay ako , sinusumpa sayo
matapos man ang gulo sumabog man ang mundo
basag man ang kamao, hihilong din ito
Kasi...tayo'y parang araw, sisikat
Pangako ko sayo'y di ka iiwan,
ikaw lamang ang aking kaibigan
Sumumpa pagkaibiga'y d mawawala
Ang unos ma'y biglag bumuhos
Tandaan mong ako'y nandito lang
Di ka na mauulanan
Di ka na mauulanan……
Di na, di na
Hinde… hinde… hinde….
Di ka na mauulanan
Di na, di na
Hinde… hinde… hinde….
[bridge]
Damhin mo ang yakap ko
hindi na kailangan tumakbo (pumarito ka)
'Lang hahadlang sa ating dal'wa
Hayaang ulan ay bumagsak
Ako lang ang kailangan mo Kasi....
