The Bible's No Fun

**Was this in one of them commandments?

I am a non-practicing Christian, and I practice with religious fervor.

I don't go to the Midnight Mass on account of I don't even go to the morning mass. The last confession I had was mostly a requirement in a Religion class in high school, and I lied for the most part behind that cubicle. I have oily skin, and I ain't having none of that Wednesday ash on my forehead on account of I dread pimples more than the Horsemen of Apocalypse.

I mean, pimples are real. And that's just about all the reason you need for preventive measures. I mean, they leave a scar you can actually put a finger on.

We have this bible at home, and we've had that for half a decade already. I didn't want to ask for a new one; I already have this buttload of fiction in my reading desk. See, I've always been a Christian all my life, and I've gotten tired of talking snakes, wives turned to salt, bodies of water miraculously halved, and all that magic.I've grown too old for all that fairy tailing, and I ain't buying that story with the talking burning bush. For all I know, that bush in question might have been a whole buttload of marijuana, and the dude might have been high or something. It's the bible, for crying out loud, sliced bread wasn't even invented yet. The most they'd accomplished with bread was to multiply it to feed thousands.

And how Christian is removing the foreskin?

I gather that God and the devil speak the same tongue. So if there was anything I realized from the bible, then that has got to be it. I mean, Eve listened to both of them.

And don't you think that choosing an apple as the forbidden fruit's just too damn convenient, right? If He was actually as omnipotent as the rest of us holds Him to be, then He'd have the wisdom to choose a more difficult fruit to forbid. Like a coconut, for instance. Those old testament rednecks Adam and Eve would know nothing on how to make it work, and the serpent could only tell the bitch so much. Hell, they'd be bashing each other's skulls in with the coconut, but they'd still be living in paradise. I mean, they can do it forever. Apples are just so easy.

And since we're talking "forever," I see heaven as this pretty green place where everybody eats fruit and plays the harp. Forever and ever. I remember reading a book by George Burns in which he mentioned the comedian's hell. Imagine yourself as this comedian, and then you get ahold of this routine, or a script in which every joke is just more hilarious than the last one. But the thing is, you have no audience to tell the jokes to. I mean, so you died and went to heaven, and you'd be like a champion harper in no time at all, maybe halfway through forever. But since everybody else is harping like it's nobody else's business, who would appreciate your heavenly strumming?

Speaking of heaven, I don't even see how decapitated heads with golden locks of hair are angels. They float around on little clouds with birds wings, and that's just sick.

Making fun of my religion is not as bad as attacking it. I mean, I own it, so I might as well laugh at it. But here's a little confession: I don't believe in a God who created the world in seven days. He doesn't speak to His people in a booming voice. He doesn't cause plagues, and His "working in mysterious ways" is simply rabid Christian propaganda.

However, I believe in a higher power which holds the universe together. I can brag of a selective absorption of thought, but this is just too perfect to challenge. If there wasn't something, someONE responsible for maintaining the balance, then we'd all be heading for the hills. We could be colliding with Jupiter at this very moment, but no. We could be getting sucked into another black hole anytime this week, but no. We could be plummeting straight to the burning sun, but no. We have someone to thank for not letting these happen, and I shudder at that terrifying power.