The Seven Annoying Facebook Posters (Introducing The Loser Meter!)

**Seven. Like the deadly sins. And in spite of this, I'm glad that Facebook doesn't have a Post On a Need to Know Basis in the fine print. I wouldn't have material otherwise. And before we begin with this playful list, I challenge you, my Dearly Beloved reader, to ask yourself this.



I am writing a post that will boost my Facebook posts, but that took longer than an erection on some pothead. That explains this repost. I wrote this in November 2010. It can use an update, but it's still relevant.

Seven. Like the deadly sins. I will be updating this post soon to include "The Sudden Expert," "The Nearly Faceless," and "The Spoiler." 

1. The "I Heart My Macchiato" Poster
This is usually accompanied by a picture of a half eaten banofee pie and a Tall Caramel Macchiato with their name painstakingly made visible on that one shot. I get it. You have hand-me-down taste. And it would have been so very special, so damned special if there weren't one billion of your social climbing kind out there. Underscore would have been. Stick to your calls.

LOSER RATING: This poster doesn't qualify. There's nothing wrong with this kind of poster, but a ratio of four Machiato posts to one generic post is doubtful.

2. The 20-year Old Kid and His Unsolicited Love Advice
I say grow up, get yourself a haircut, move out of your parents' house, start supporting yourself, and then tell me about it. If I wanted advice on that crazy little thing called love, then I'd get me a mother fucking fortune cookie. Or read the horoscope. Or buy me a Bob Ong book and then count the number of times he's been plagiarized by you little boys and girls just for the devilish fun of it.

LOSER RATING: Doesn't qualify. I'm not saying you're dumb. Far from it. I simply have no employment for your advice.

3. The "I Hate Your Guts, But I'm Too Chicken to Tell It To Your Face, So I'll Post a Shout Out Instead and Wait for the Comments Because I'd Rather Have Sympathy Over Courage"
They were mighty fluent during the last election period. And they can't get enough exclamation points. I had to import mine from China.

LOSER RATING:





4. The "I Have a New Post in My Blog, and I Will Be Too Cross-Eyed with Delight If You Guys Can Click on this Link Here."
Faggot, if we know you have a blog, and if we liked the shit you wrote about the last time you endorsed your proud waste of internet space, then we'll bookmark you, and you don't have to ask. So stop distracting me, bitch. I'm uploading my macchiato/banofee pics.

LOSER RATING:






5. The "I'm Telling You Anway" Poster
Personally, this has got to be the most self-absorbed of the lot. He's too self-absorbed, you'd think his physical constitution is made of up 40% water and 60% cotton. He posts about the most useless triviality, the most unusable detail, the superficial more often than not that he prompts the question:

And we should know this because?

Really, we're just so positively thrilled that you "just woke up :)," or that you're "cooking beef tapa," or that you're "4 cm na," but seriously, why do I need to know that?
LOSER RATING:





6. The "Poor You" Poster
There's this one loser in my network who shouted out that he's not going to be on Facebook for a few days. Nobody made a comment. A few days later, he posted a follow up shout out saying he's back. Again, nobody posted a comment. Sigh, this poor thing was thinking somebody cared. Let it be known that this facet of social networking, i.e. getting ignored, is most certainly heart breaking because it defeats the point of a subscription. But I have to admit, that shit is entertaining most especially when that somebody is getting ignored twice.

It can be argued that this kind of poster, the "Poor You" poster, is a distant relative of the "I'm Telling You Anyway" poster , but unlike the latter, the often-ignored "Poor You" poster is amusing. Because he's relentless.

His shallow shout outs, and that's a staggering understatement, rarely, if not never, get the props he was shooting at. Like the "I'm Telling You Anyway" poster, this attention whore just can't cut it, but, for some reason, he's far too encouraged by all that conceit that he goes for yet another nip at attention. Which he doesn't get. One can be led to believe that all the 300-plus people in this loser's network died over the weekend. Or he's just dead to them to begin with, and he's just there for quantity. The poor little bastard needs a consolation, so here's a customized comment you can use if you suspect one of these losers in your network:

"I don't know where you get your sense of entitlement, but you need to lose it."

LOSER RATING:






7. The "I Like What I Said" Poster
There was this one gay loser kid (Jesus, I need to trim these people down) in my network who posted that he's in a relationship. And it looks like he liked it so much that he was the first one to click on the LIKE link. Which doesn't make sense to me, because you don't post things like that if you didn't. Now it would have been fantastic, like in a fantasy, if his audience humored his bullshit, like good fucking sports, but no. The "I Like What I Said" poster's was the only acknowledgment on his own shout out. And that's just sad.

Imagine laughing at your own joke because nobody found it funny. That's the "I Like What I Said" poster for you, and he's an unprecedented height of pathetic. Because he's doing it for the fake props, and not to save face.
LOSER RATING:

How to be Rude: Comments

**This post is also known as How to Bash Tip # 1: Divide and Conquer. 

So we heard recently that a second sex video of Chito Miranda and Neri Naig surfaced. I have never seen it. And I will never watch it. I was tempted to, but I remembered how disappointed I was with Chito's fucking that I decided to just let it be. The first installment wasn't any excitable; Chito Miranda's black-as-sin dick was an awful nightmare, and Neri Naig's pendulous breasts were a felony to the female anatomy. However, I would imagine that some people jerked off to this episode while they played one of his songs in the background for good measure. Whatever. 

I will not write about it. These celebrity sex videos are becoming so fucking tiresome in their frequency. And what makes it irritating is that they're all sex between straight couples. How very bland, how very boring, how very beyond scandalous. What have our gay celebrities been doing? Playing Barbie dolls and doing each other's hair? Cruising at the gym or pandering to the horny whims of your TV-executive benefactors? Get out of your comfort zone, homo. We can use the representation.

I have written about Chito Miranda's first sex video. And you can click here you're interested. 

Meanwhile, the last time I trolled was five or six years ago, and I sort of missed being mean to stupid people and their stupid bitch fits. So I gave it another go sometime back, and, having done that, I don't think I missed being a bully at all. Anyway, allow me to share a screenshot. Sometimes, a series of pictures is far more eloquent. You remember what they say about a picture being worth a thousand words? Yeah? Now think about this: what if... it's a picture... of words? Ahhh. Imagine that many thousands. 

Again, I do not miss being such a jerk towards other people's poorly written sentiments, and I fucking hate being so disrespectful in their borrowed space. It sucks that I have to go out of my way just to be a dick. That is why I have this blog. And being such a cock in other people's territory is a felony towards this blog; why be a dick in other territories when  I can well do it here?

Comments are just one of the many wonderful opportunities for your meanness to shine. Treat yourself to these other tips.

How to be Rude: Books
How to be Rude: Burgers
How to be Rude: Directions

Write a Love Story for LitWit 6.4!

**I have elected to disable comments for my LitWit promotions. I suppose its better if you can check the site out yourself and then comment. This episode is about writing a Fantasy Love Story, and I have full confidence in the capacities of some you as far as this genre goes. After all, we are just all too human in this city.

Non sequitur? Think again, love. Meanwhile, my next post will be this Wednesday. I'm still deciding between the Faggot Medication post or the Turning Atheist post. Or the Leviticus post. Or the Reading Group post. It will be this Wednesday though, Third World Time, which isn't almost always on time. And you wonder why they call us that. I will try to be punctual, though.



Click Here to go to LitWit 6.4!
Click Here for Instructions!

OMG You Guys, the Internet is Full of Weird People! Who'd Have Thunk? -- PART ONE

**Think of this as an advocacy.

**Meanwhile, this is a filler post. I have this folder of prepared posts just in case I should be "distracted." That is what I am now, and then some. My offline life is the very definition of devastation, currently, and I am taking a break from all that crying and shedding and silent screaming because I am still a blogger, after all, and I have to post. That being said, I apologize to you, you darling blogger in my blog roll, if I wasn't present in your comments form recently. I love you and I will make love to you if you were hung and a power top.




Just when you thought you've desensitized yourself with the sickest ocular trauma the World Wide Web has to offer, along comes, to further revolt your unbelieving and simultaneously excited person, these choice clips from Something Awful.net's Archives. I didn't know how I got there, perhaps a series of unfortunate hops, but it's goddamn awful, and it rocks.


I'm idle when I have the time, and to quote Junkmaster, I did the surfing, so you don't have to. So there. And this is NOT a sponsored post, mind you. Continue reading, love.

Verily, the internet is way too big for one's pustular imagination, and here's another opportunity to broaden our perverse horizons together. Ladies and gentlemen, submitted for your orgasmic and brick-shitting pleasure: selected Lines from Something Awful.net's Archives. These are transcribed verbatim, and that explains the typos; kindly shut your piehole please. I'm having none of it.

1. from The Eunuch Archives

Now comes the question. Currently with one testicle, my scrotum is way too loose and sticks to my thigh, twists around, gets caught on everything and is always in the way

A Eunuch, by the way, is a castrated human male. He's got one testicle. I give him one loser star.





2. from The Incest Taboo Forum

I say this tongue in cheek mostly, but me and mom have two kids both healthy and fine and I have a child with my aunt and one with a cousing and they are fine and healthy no birth defects (except the boys have small ears, lol).

You know where I stand in this Taboo thing. I endorse the thing. The number is on a prior post, and if Gabriel asks, just tell him you got the number from the tattooed gay dude. Mention Taboo 1 to 13. But this guy is referring to the actual act.





3. from The Real Super Powers and Universal Psychic Guild

Lately I have noticed that I can listen to the thoughts of any animal that I come into any type of contact with (long range not sure how long). The bad thing is that I hear every though and animals are quite schizophrenic.

Anyone know how to shut out thoughts?

I have nothing against make believe super powers. I used to be Rogue when we were doing X-Men play fights as kids. And look at me now.





4. from The Goths, Witches, and Wiccans Forum

plus im planning to get a tat that sez "S.K.I.T" n gcthic text or old english or something like that. meaning SERIAL KILLER IN TRAINING

Or you can get a tattoo that says "S.T.F.U.L." It means SHUT THE FUCK UP LOSER





5. from The Auto-Fellatio, Wrestling, and Time Travel Forum

New SS, very interested.

Posted by Newbie on February 11, 2004 at 20:12:42

I had never thought that so many could actually SS. I was very surprised when I looked online and found such a community. I had tried a few times before lately but though it was just something that you had to be born with. I am now excited to actually get to my cock. I am 19, 5'10" and weigh about 145 pounds. I have gotten my tongue about an inch or two from the tip of my cock. I was wondering if anyone could give me some tips or personal tips. I know it will take some time to get down on myself, but I can't wait!

Thanks!

Autofellatio is the act of oral stimulation of one's own penis as a form of masturbation. Practitioners of this sexual act are simultaneously so hung and flexible that they can suck their own cock. These guys don't deserve loser stars. They deserve a standing ovation.


6. from Voy Forums: Troubled Teens Unite!

Date PostedL 13:47:19 02/21/03 Fri
Author: ricky barningharn
Subject: skitzoprenia

ill get to the point
1.when walkin with my friends and family i get the feeling they will all turn around and start fighting me and i get very paranoid
2.when walkin 1/2 the cars i see give me the feeling they r following me to observe me.
3.i hear voices in my head(mostly my name)and talk to myself often.
4.the government has bugged my house and they r watching me 24/7 (i think)
5.i sumtimes think people r reading my mind
6.i currently take wellbutrin,zyprexa,seriquil

tell me whats up

This is what's up, fool.





7. from The Peeing and Pooping in School and Public Forum

Subject: I need some suggestions
Name: Emily
Date Posted: Dec 31, 03 - 10:15 AM

Message: Hi, My name is Emily and I am new here. I have tried to have accidents in my underwears but I have not been succesful At doing.

Also, are their any girls that could be my friend.

Thanks,
Emily

Why would anyway want to shit on purpose on their own underwear? And a girl, no less? Of course, the gender is immaterial, and I could be wrong.





8. from The Can't Find On Google Forum

a at 11/19/2005 08:57:23 pm

Really Looking For: a job that does not require a college (or highschool....) education

Search Terms Tried: uh, i couldnt thhink of what to type so none

Comments: jus wondering. the more money the better!! just incase i was to, err, *cough* drop out of highschool *cough* . its 12:00 and i have a crapload of homework....im failing half of my classes.... i know about 3 people in tha whole school well... so, i was just wondering what kind of job ops i have. not saying i will or anything, just curious...

josh at 12/06/2005 02:36:31 am

Really Looking For: a copy of my mug shot taken about 2 years ago by the police, and my arrest record

Search Terms Tried: texas stae records mug shots; texas state arrest records; my mugshot; my arrest record, basically any combonation you can think of

Comments: it's not like I'm a hardened criminal trying to erase my record or anything, it's just that I have been arrest before and I a0wanna see what I looked like b) want to try and use the pic for a website and c) wanna see if public intoxication is still on my record. if any one can help please do. oh and I'm a cheap-skate so I don't wanna have to pay a site for a picture of myself

Suffice to say that there are things that Google can't find. That being said, do you guys Google yourselves?

9. from The FightingArts Forum

KNOCK OUT!!!
#196028 - 04/04/04 02:31PM

where on the neck is the most effective spot to pinch someone if you wished to put them out or paralize them for a couple of minutes. i keep trying it on my little brother but he doesn't like to cooperate

Or you can try it on your own, and have somebody administer the strong ammonia. And then do it again if you didn't like the results.





10. from The Deviant Desires Forum

"i find pig roasts so erotic"
Posted by samantha on 08-02-03 at 03:46 PM

I attended my first pig roast last weekend,and for some reason found the though of all of the people there consuming this roasted pig quite erotic! My boyfried enjoyed it to, but not in the same way as I did! My question is,am i too wierd or is this just a passing perversion? I mean I can't wait till the next one... samantha

I never knew that roasted pigs can be such a turn on. This lady's sick; the loser meter doesn't apply.

Truly, Facebook Brings Out the Attention Whore in Each of Us.

**Or "No thanks, I Will NOT Become a Fan"

I am alarmed. I've been receiving quite a few invites from people in my Facebook network asking me to be their Fan. Of course I didn't comply; I'm too self-absorbed myself to be an accomplice to anybody else's self-indulgent efforts. It just so happened that I don't have enough conceit to ask them to be My Fan. Or maybe I didn't have the proper timing to ask them first. But who knew there's THAT much ego to be had in that specific networking site?!

Here are screen shots. Exhibit A has His name on the left and right shades. Same thing goes with Exhibit B. What it says, really, is that He wants me to be fan of Him. And the only changes I made to these screen shots are with hiding those names. The shameless self promotion is still there.

Imagine that, people Asking you to be their Fan. Say that in real life, and see how the weirdness rolls in your tongue. Isn't it Amazing how it is only in Facebook where you get proposals like "Do you want to become my Fan?" Because you will Never hear things like that in real life. And by "real," I mean Offline.

I say this with my whole sympathetic heart, and I hope to high heavens that the message goes across. I do apologize for the inconvenience my friends, but you guys are, seriously, fucking the wrong hole. I, for one, will not be a Fan. Because standards are relative.

If I wanted to be a Fan, I would be more than happy to volunteer for the membership. I'd be more than willing to do pro bono work for the sake of your cause. I'll even take a shower for the hazing session because I want to make sure your hooked paddle hits fresh and newly moisturized skin. I'll install an altar with all your pictures on it, and maybe, if I got lucky, a pair of your used boxer shorts to make the You experience all the more realistic. I'll declare your birthday a Call-In-Sick day, so I can Google your name and spend all day marveling at all those other blogs paying homage to your greatness. I will make a disgraceful understatement of the phrase "embarrassing idol worship." I WILL make the effort, thank you so much, because I WILL BE your groupie. I WILL BE your happy groupie, so sit back and let me cock your suck while my underlings give you a massage and feed you grapes and shit.

What makes it funny is that the people who are asking me to be their Fan (curious phrase, that) are nowhere near the status of half baked celebrities that I am already subscribed to. They're just regular people (and I do mean you) who thought what little claim to fame they have warrants actual fans. I do have semi-celebrities in my list, mind you. And what celebrities I have in my network are there because I am a Fan of these media personalities. And of abstract things I have in common with certain other minorities.

Now, will anyone setup a Fan Page for this idea? I'm sure the membership will rise to unprecedented heights on account of there are a lot of similarly appalled people out there:

Maybe I'll start this group, and then I'll ask you guys if you want to be a Fan.

Blood For Lube. Or Fagging Up Twilight

**Jessica Zafra held this contest in her blog one time, and she had her readers make up a sex scene for Stephanie Meyer's Twilight. Dull series. Bright idea. We were allowed to use any character for our submissions, and so you probably have an idea how that went. Her gay readers, including yours truly, were all too relentless with their entries. It resulted in a cornucopia of bestiality, necrophilia and incest that had most of us hard in a heartbeat.

The winning entry gets a Twilight box set, and it went to this guy, Root, who submitted an upbeat entry written in Tagalog. My submission had Emmett, Edward, and Jacob in this fantastical menage-a-trois, and here's how it went.

Emmett’s feet were silent as he walked along these hollow walls that led to the manor’s lower chambers. The night was hot with the warmth from these torches, the air was stale in between these brick walls, and he was just too eager to get The Job done. He allowed himself to grin as he recalled Jacob’s capture. That idiot dog boy didn’t know what hit him; that wine looked far too engaging, of course it should, that’s the point, and the dog indulged. Hell, he’d probably take a sip from the same cup himself, only if he didn’t drink with dogs, and, more importantly, if he didn’t know it was drugged.

Stupid werewolf. Stupid peace wine. Stupid interrogation. He didn’t know why he had to take part in this inquiry, it’s not like he raised a hand in participation. Edward should be able to extract the information they need, he alone should suffice and make quick work of the dog boy. He has to assist the younger Cullen in the process. But what harm can a sedated werewolf do?

He doesn’t get it. But he’s a few feet away from the last door on the right, that’s the holding chamber, so he might as well get on with it and see where it goes. The silence, however, was becoming all too pronounced at this point. It was altogether uncommon for he was looking forward to coercive threats, maybe some regulated torment. Controlled harassment at the very least, but there was nothing. Curiosity hurried him to that slight crack on the door.

What he witnessed caught him entirely by surprise. He half-expected the werewolf to be drowsy with the drugged wine, shackled in chains to better maneuver the investigation they have planned. But bathing in what little moonlight the barred windows allowed was Edward’s naked, glistening paleness. The vampire was standing with his back towards Emmett, his broad shoulders hunched, his firm, lean arms stretched downwards to support that slow forward thrust he’s developing with his muscular behind.

He never knew why, but he’s always allowed himself to imagine how a naked Edward Cullen will look like. Not that there’s anything wrong with this fantasy; they are brothers, yes, but that entitlement wasn’t biological. No, not at all, none of them Cullens are for that matter. A last name and puncture marks on the neck, that’s what they have in common, maybe superhuman strength and speed too. Actual familial ties are out of the question, which is why he’s letting his fantasies linger.

He couldn’t help but feel offended now that his wet dreams are finally coming to life, Not because he’s looking at his non-biological brother in the buff, but because somebody else beat him to it. On Edward’s naked ass were hands, it’s fingers gripped in selfish possession. It was Jacob’s. The wolf man’s face was concealed by Edward’s steadily lunging hips, but it’s hands kept their grip. Edward’s unstable gyrations occasion a glimpse of Jacob’s handsome face: his eyes shut in concentration, his lips enveloping Edward’s manhood, his cheeks bulging in sexual greed. Emmett detected an occasional muffled choke issuing from Jacob, and that drove him mad with longing.

To Emmett, that distant gagging was a cry for help, for back up perhaps. Maybe even reinforcements, but that won’t work. He wanted Edward on his own, and how he’d kill to be in Jacob’s place. How he’d kill Jacob to be in his place! But there wasn’t a hint of exhaustion in Jacob’s efforts because he’s beginning to tighten his grip on Edward’s behind. He’s controlling Edward’s gyrations now, pushing the vampire deeper into him, Edward’s hips alternating in between slow circular motions and steady forward lunges that are becoming all the more violent.

It was a sight well beyond imagining. It was a dream punctuated by Edward’s prolonged moaning with each violent thrust. Jacob locking Edward down with the will of his hands alone was altogether too severe for Emmett, and the movement on the vampire’s hips, those slow gyrations and sudden lunges, made him all the more feverish with desire. And what makes it all the more intense was that Emmett’s manhood was responding to this most persuasive display. He then knew he wasn’t dreaming. His throbbing erection made that clear.

Emmett’s tongue moved across his lips as closed his eyes in a spontaneous mixture of pleasure and jealous frustration. He knew he was losing control of his own hands to sexual surrender; he’s naked himself without him knowing it. He abandoned all caution in his own erotic darkness as he began to pleasure himself, his hands moving up, and then down, in that familiar stroke that was beginning to take haste. Ahhh, the rapture! He allowed his eyes to open, to feast itself once more in Edward’s naked paleness. He needs to take it all in to reinforce a mental picture that may not happen again.

He opened his eyes, and Edward was looking back at him. The vampire was grinning, his teeth displaying an invitation as he was maintaining that lascivious dance.

**I’ll stop here before this escalates to an anal scene where Edward bites his own hand so he can use his blood as lube.

101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes

**He's just like Mark Twain, if only Far More Obscene and just recently dead. 2008 is recent compared to what, 1910? Anyway, he's this fantastic stand up comic whose career spanned a prime 47 years. He once said “life is worth losing.” What's not to love about a guy who can say such crap and get away with it? He's all that, but he's best remembered for his "Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television."

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. That's them. And here's a hundred and one of his greatest quotes, although there are around three in this list that aren't largely his. My favorites are in bold.

1. I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
3. Swimming is not a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense!
4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit and your shit is stuff?
6. I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
7. I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American — you know, you grow.
8. You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.
9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?
10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
11. If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
12. No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.
13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven….baaaad words.” That’s what they told us, right? …You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that sometime, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”
15. The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
16. Just when I discovered the meaning of life, they changed it.
17. Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man…living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.
18. Weather forecast for tonight: Dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
19. If it requires a uniform, it’s a worthless endeavor.
20. If you live long enough, sooner or later everybody you know has cancer.
21. You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
22. Soft rock music isn’t rock, and it ain’t music. It’s just soft.
23. Reminds me of something my third-grade teacher said to us. She said, “You show me a tropical fruit and I’ll show you a cocksucker from Guatemala.”
24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.
28. I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
29. If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.
30. You can prick your finger — just don’t finger your prick.
31. By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
32. Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
33. Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
34. I don’t like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
35. I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
36. When you’re born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you’re born in America, you get a front-row seat.
37. Eventually, alas, I realized the main purpose of buying cocaine is to run out of it.
38. I never fucked a ten, but one night, I fucked five twos.
39. I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.
40. I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
41. Have you noticed that most of the women who are against abortion are women you wouldn’t want to fuck in the first place? There’s such balance in nature.
42. So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.
43. Catholic — which I was until I reached the age of reason.
44. Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”
45. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
46. Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.
47. Don Ho can sign autographs 3.4 times faster than Efrem Zimbalist Jr.
48. God bless the homicidal maniacs. They make life worthwhile.
49. I’ve never seen a homeless guy with a bottle of Gatorade.
50. One great thing about getting old is that you can get out of all sorts of social obligations just by saying you’re too tired.
51. If Helen Keller had psychic ability, would you say she had a fourth sense?
52. What year did Jesus think it was?
53. George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.
54. Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.
55. In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
56. Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.
57. “One thing leads to another”? Not always. Sometimes one thing leads to the same thing. Ask an addict.
58. No one who has had “Taps” played for them has ever been able to hear it.
59. Property is theft. Nobody “owns” anything. When you die, it all stays here.
60. The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
61. The future will soon be a thing of the past.
62. The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
63. The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post “Thou shalt not steal,” “Thou shalt not commit adultery,” and “Thou shalt not lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.
64. Boxing is a more sophisticated form of hockey.
65. The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.
66. I think everyone should treat one another in a Christian manner. I will not, however, be responsible for the consequences.
67. Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.
68. “When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
69. Thou shalt keep thy religion to thyself.
70. And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”
71. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
72. Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.
73. Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.
74. Have you ever noticed that the lawyer always smiles more than the client?
75. I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
76. Just think, right now as you read this, some guy somewhere is gettin’ ready to hang himself.
77. The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
78. If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
79. “Meow” means “woof” in cat.
80. Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.
81. Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
82. “No comment” is a comment.
83. If a man smiles all the time, he’s probably selling something that doesn’t work.
84. You can’t argue with a good blowjob.
85. Most of the time people feel okay. Probably it’s because at the moment they’re not actually dying.
86. So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
87. Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
88. Do you think Sammy Davis ate Junior Mints?
89. When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
90. The Golden Gate Bridge should have a long bungee cord for people who aren’t quite ready to commit suicide but want to get in a little practice.
91. I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
92. If the cops didn’t see it, I didn’t do it!
93. Hooray for most things!
94. Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: It attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
95. I don’t have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.
96. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
97. May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
98. Life is a zero sum game.
99. Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.
100. I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
101. It isn’t fair: the caterpillar does all the work, and the butterfly gets all the glory.

Did Hitler Really Ejaculate During His Speeches?

**One of the more nagging worries which prompted this post was my Keyword Analysis statistic in my hit counter. Apparently, people who Googled the phrase "hitler ejaculation during speech" found my blog in their search results. Try it. It's the first search result, as a matter of fact, it's way up there, first picks, like I specialize on Adolf's bodily discharge. A pervert finds a kindred spirit with a kinky Google search, but it's got Hitler on it, and I'm not having none of that shit.

The whole mess is alarming, really, a big fucking shock even for my desensitized standards. I know I'm thoroughly a faggot all throughout (every which way, don't need MENSA to verify that), but MY Final Solution (I aim to mildly upset people who I can't indoctrinate with my wholesome homo-ness) employs a Blogger Account, DSL access, and a steenkeeng mouthful of verbal diarrhea. I've never met a Jew I didn't like. Never met one, really, but I'm positive they're a thoroughly likeable bunch.

This association (being the top search result on Hitler's ejaculatory habits) is highly retarded. I just want to say that, but I don't mean to delete this other certain post which caused that fake celebrity. See, the reason why my blog ends up as a search result is largely due to this post I published in 2006. It's called "You don't need to know these things, but I'm sure you'll read this through," and it's a kinky enumeration of fetishes and sexual trivia. Nothing you'll tell your parents, though. Like, did you know that the word "Penis" is Latin for tail. Are you aware that soaking your testicles in iced water can increase sperm production? And did someone tell you that the word "masturbation" was only introduced into the English language in 1759? That post is charged with useless information that solicited a fair amount of comments at that time.

Anyway, item number fifteen on that post mentioned that Adolf Hitler frequently ejaculated during his speeches. It didn't give us no specific details, but that explains why I'm getting first picks. This post asks a question for it's title, and so it is just proper that I stop the introduction and jump to the answer itself.**

Yes. He did. And, on a lighter note, the sonofabitch's dead. He committed suicide, and he did it proper, too! He blew his brains out with a Walther PPK 7.65 mm pistol less than a day after marrying Eva Braun.

There.

What Hurts Like a Cheap Root Canal?

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

This Funny, Foulmouthing Kid

**Because you guys could sure use a laugh.

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop & her son saying, "All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, 'cause this is the last stop! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get your ass in the train, Cause we're going down the tracks."

The horrified mother went in & told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room & stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom & resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped & the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for travelling with us today & hope your trip was a pleasant one."

She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to store all of your hand luggage under your seat. remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please direct your complaints to the fat bitch in the kitchen."

Resets Please

I'm now looking for THE ONE HTML code for putting a panic button on my blog's sidebar. With a push, that golden button wil go ahead and hide all of my unbecoming posts with their horny details. Of course, hide IS the operative term, because a fault finding fool like myself needs to go over the things I wrote for a number of foolish, fault finding reasons.

I can be too wordy to a fault; the terms I choose to string together often paint a messy sketch. And there are ideas that do nothing to redeem the collapse that is my person. It's bad enough that I'm gay by default, but to be a wordy attention-whore with an unprecedented sense of self-promotion is something different. That leads to very unlikely ideas. But the problem is I kind of posted some of those ideas. Some of them had comments, too. And I have to do something about that because my mom is reading my blog now.

Ergo the panic button.

Can You Please Shut the Fuck Up If You're Not in This List?

**It's the sweet face of mercy.


This is what I've been waiting for all these time. A validation, at last, of the people that matter. Of course outside of the family you were born with and created for yourself, those people are now in a list. Everybody else who thinks the universe rotates around their own personal axis, are you reading this Kris Aquino?, can go suck a nut as we now have a comprehensive enumeration of the people whose work and accomplishments actually count for something. Something important and worthwhile that is. That means no, Boy Abunda, your Melodic Conversations bullshit album doesn't count. Shove it.

It's a 100-strong list, and guess what, you're probably not in it. The people in this enumeration go beyond humility, whereas the people who think they should be in this list, are you reading this Tim Yap?, are too busy social climbing to accomplish anything that matters at all. I like this list because it's the best measure of significance. It's an unpretentious reality check that tells us, tells me at least, what I need to do before I go on ahead with the delusional sashaying.

This list goes a long way, and that pretty much tells me to abandon what plans I have of assuming that "I'm a Page Rank 3 Blogger, so dammit, you WILL hear me roar." Say what? Say what the fuck? The people in this list causes my accomplishments to go limp in comparison. By a whole mile. A thousand. The distance between our accomplishments, curse me but I am making a point, that distance is all too grand it leaves no room for penis envy.

Is that snotty whats-her-face Yeng Constantino reading this? You have a friend who'd do well to read this? Click away, and join me with this new found appreciation for shutting the fuck up. See, it's so lonely being this humbled.

THE TIME 100: THE MOST IMPORTANT PEOPLE OF THE CENTURY

I am soo adding this to my roll. And this next link too

HEROES AND KILLERS OF THE 20th CENTURY

Technical Support Story #5: Emails

**It's calls like this that makes technical support better than straight-to-hell telemarketing. Among other things, that is.

So this customer calls in saying that he has a problem with his email. He says he's experiencing a lot of latency with his incoming mails; the last time he received emails was like two days ago or something. And then he goes ahead and tells me this:

"I live in Texas, and most of my customers are from Texas. I understand if they're sending me emails from New York or California, that will take time. But they're just around the block, so why is it taking just as long?

Presenting the Google Define Function

**You are so going to love this.

If you're a blogger, and you're this excited to wow your readers with some highfalutin bullshit, and you don't know heads or tails of that big word in question, and you're too impatient to pull up M-W.com (Merriam Webster), then stop fretting. Your fetish for trying hard, uncharacteristic jargon is now as convenient as a happy meal. Everybody's favorite search engine, that's Google for those five people who are still using Yahoo Search, has this "define" feature which fetches definitions in a matter of nanoseconds. Or something just as fast.

Say for instance you need help with a big word, like, I dunno, PEDERAST.

1. Open the Google Search Bar. We're approaching 2009, so that's probably everywhere at this point.
2. Now, in the Google Search Bar, type in the word "define" followed by a colon. It's not case sensitive. The colon might be, though. And then you append (that means ATTACH) the big word in question. You may or may not add a space between the colon and the big word.3. Press Search, and it returns several web definitions for that term you've been meaning to use.Ohh, boy lover.

All Hail Them Creeps!

**No, this is not a sponsored review. I love this site so much, I can make love to it. Twice.

Night of the Creeps

This is, by far and by a mile, hell, by a far mile, hands down the funniest horror movie review site ever. I've been an avid follower of this here pot of funny since early 2000, and I've been devout ever since. And thats easily understandable; it's a barrel of laughs from end to end, review to review, and at the same time, we are treated to an unlikely wealth of information that targets a very specific audience. And that's them horror movie enthusiasts like my person.

Truth is, they, gay word alert, inspired me to do movie reviews. And I am using their format with the movie details that precede the actual review proper because that was how I was introduced to the practice. Them "seven retarded bastards from shaolin" are comedic geniuses in their own right. And can you please click on their link now because I've reached my ass kissing quota, and I'm running out of compliments.

And here's a quick list on why you should be reading Night of the Creeps (NOTC):

1. They have Hitler's Brain doing the FAQ. Seriously. From a jar.

From the confines of his sin-stained mechanical womb, Hitler's Brain has agreed to host the infamous NIGHT OF THE CREEPS' F.A.Q. Of course, this is after we threatened to push his jar off the counter and breakdance on his cerebrum... but nonetheless: he is our mind slave now.

2. They're a gnarly combination of funny and sensible:

Q: "So where in the hell are all the 'classic' horror flicks like the "NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREETs", "HALLOWEENs", Or "EVIL DEADs" on your page? I thought you retards were supposed to be authorities on horror!"

A: "Actually, we're the authorities on TV/VCR repair. Still, if we had a dollar for every time some little snot-nosed faggot sent us this same question in through our mailbox... we could go over to Piggly Wiggly, buy a fat ass box of CRUNCH 'N' MUNCH, and still have enough money left over to buy a pack of Jesus Trading Pogs at La Tienda Mexicana. A lot of people seem to think that we haven't heard of (let alone seen) such classics like Sam Raimi's excellent EVIL DEAD trilogy, BAD TASTE or DEAD ALIVE, or all of the HALLOWEEN movies just because they don't show up on our FLICK LIST. The truth is, these movies are excellent classics that have been seen by just about everyone in the horror community- including all of us. We could easily sit down and do full length reviews for every single EVIL DEAD & FRIDAY THE 13th movie in existence... but come on- if you haven't heard of these flicks by now you've either been living in Aquaman's Underwater Butt Nest for the last 10 years or need to quit your sexy job. The fact is, there are probably a thousand other sites that have full length reviews of these venerable classics, and we just don't feel that these films require monster entries on our Flick List. Instead, we feel that these films deserve special attention on our HALL OF FAME section, where an individual Creep will pay homage to a particular franchise or classic film in grand style."

3. The site's easy to navigate. Check the sidebar.

4. The reviewers have retard names like Eagle Te (depicted as a white haired kung fu master), El Santo (The Mexican Wrestling Zombie Killer), Z Man (Ape Leader who aims to submit us humans to countless horror movies, and General Zod (recruited by Z Man). They have such names and personalities to match, so that's a big plus.

5. They have a traffic rank of 22, 249 (Alexa.com). That is so boss. And did I mention they're funny? If I did, let say it again.

I don't think you can handle this.

I watched this video the other day, following a certain friend's suggestion for over the top morbidity. Two days later, and I'm still at a loss for words. There's not enough of them to mean "totally revolting."

It's about this very primitive sexual reassignment surgery.

I won't post the link, but if you're interested, then here's where it's at. Trust me, there are things worth NOT looking for. I'm just saying; you're probably still up for it anyway. Hyper active clickers have the most regrets, and these directions are merely safety precautions.

1. Go to YouTube
2. On the Search Field, type in "Male to Female 1974"
3. It will require you to login with your YouTube username and password on account of the shocking nature of this video.
4. Prepare to light a cigarette. If you don't smoke, then brace your gag reflex. Then click the PLAY button. Wash.

I know I ought to be tempted to just post the video here on account of I'm promoting bullshit to begin with, but this video is the ultimate rotten tomato that maligns the clever nonsense that I'm really working for. So I won't. But I went ahead and posted directions, just in case you're one to pray hell towards those who go like "I have a secret, but I'm not telling."

Guys, thanks for still coming back. I know I'm just saying that, but really, I appreciate the hits. I'm no longer doing sponsored reviews as much as I used to, and the hits represent something else at this point. Thanks.

Happy Chinese New Year

Hope you guys liked the two chinese horror movies I prepared. In the meantime, here's something on the very familiar Chinese Hopping Vampire, courtesy of Wikipedia.com

Jiang Shi, sometimes called Chinese vampires by Westerners, are reanimated corpses that hop around, killing living creatures to absorb life essence (Æø/šâq¨¬) from their victims. They are said to be created when a person's soul (ÆÇ p¨°) fails to leave the deceased's body, due to improper death, suicide, or just wanting to cause trouble. Generally their appearance can range from plain ordinary to downright horrifying. An unusual feature of folklore is their greenish-white furry skin; one theory is this is derived from fungus or mould growing on corpses. They are said to have long white hair all over their heads

Jiang Shis were a popular subject in Hong Kong movies during the 1980s; some movies even featured both Jiang Shis and "Western" zombies. In the movies, Jiang Shis can be put to sleep by putting on their foreheads a piece of yellow paper with a spell written on it (Chinese talisman or ·û, pinyin: f¨²). Generally in the movies the Jiang Shi are dressed in imperial Qing Dynasty clothes, their arms permanently outstretched due to rigor mortis. Like those depicted in Western movies, they tend to appear with an outrageously long tongues and long razor sharp black fingernails. They can be evaded by holding one's breath, as they track living creatures by detecting their breathing. They're blind, and lack knowledge. Their visual depiction as horrific Qing Dynasty officials reflects a common stereotype among the Han Chinese of the foreign Manchu people, who founded the much-despised dynasty, as bloodthirsty creatures with little regard for humanity.

The Trouble With a Three Month Hiatus

I call it the Blogger's On/Off Switch

hiatus (plural hiatus or hiatuses)

1. A break or pause.
2. A gap in a series, making it incomplete.

Taken from Wiktionary

1. Your readership begins to think that you are beginning to quit blogging.

2. Your traffic begins to slow down, your hits dwindle to an all time low, and your recent posts appear ignored since the comments aren't there anymore. Not as they used to.

3. Your internet presence grows weak. You want to reach out to your readership and make some lame excuse like "another life distracts you from blogging."

4. You go back after a two to three month absence only to find out that several people in your blog roll have decided to quit blogging altogether. It's either that or they're just beginning to take a break from it. Just like you did three months ago.

5. You find it hard to arouse your readership. See, your recent one post a month ratio these past three months make you easy to ignore. Most especially when, just recently, you're only bloghopping to solicit comments for your posts.

6. You begin to notice how pathetic your template looks like compared to those heavily updated and newly widget-ed blogs you used to visit. This makes for a great segue for number 7.

7. You begin to develop blog envy. That's penis envy for bloggers. This makes for a great segue for number 8.

8. You realize it's been three months, but you feel so left out and so last year.

9. You begin to think, in a fit of misguided righteous indignation, if you really regret going on a blog hiatus after all. But then you realize you're just saying that. You miss your folks alright. And you find out there's no changing that.

10. You realize that it's not how it used to be.

I So Rule

I just signed up for Technorati! I hope I get to increase my visibility with this.

Technorati Profile

They Don't Have to be Alive, See?

I once wrote this post about the death of one of the people in my Friendster list. He was an offline friend, of course, and we had that specific network to keep in touch. But then he died, and freaky became him in my list, and my network now moonshines as an obituary of sorts.

I still have him in my list though.


Things became freakier when I found out that he's still logging in to his account. And then his Friendster Profile became some online OUIJA board which requires a login.

I was thinking he probably left his Friendster username and password in some over the top Last Will and Testament. But really, what's the point? It's not him updating his profile from his death on, recent testimonials are now eulogies, and what do you say to a dead guy via Friendster anyway?

I went on ahead and dropped him a simple hello just for the hell of it.

In case you missed it, here's the link:
Should you delete a dead friend from your Friendster list?