This is Why I Hate Your Second "I'm Bored" Facebook Status

**Maybe I get it the first time. Just the first time. Juuuuust the first time, and we'll leave it at that. What?! What do you mean it doesn't stop there? Oh hell no.

Sooo... why do we have to know that you're bored? Again? Okay, so you ran out of things to do... What the hell do we care? It's in your Facebook wall. It's a goddamn Facebook status. Do you expect us to Like that you're bored? You just told us that you're fresh out of ideas with which to entertain yourself. How stupid is that when this world wide web, underscore world wide, is near-limitless with devilish amusement. What? You can't be resourceful enough to distract yourself? 

You think the internet has run out of porn? So why the hell are you still online, anyway? You can't get a real life that you'd rather stay online and remain helpless? What the hell's wrong with you that you're letting us know, on the internet, of all places, that you've got nothing to do? Is there anything more to you than you're "I'm bored" status updates? Really?

"I'm bored." Personally, this two-word status translates to another two-word equivalent: "Conceited imbecile." I think it's conceited whenever any status update follows the "Me, Me, Me" Train of Thought. "Me, Me, Me." "I'm, I'm I'm." "Ako, Ako, Ako." "Fuck you, Fuck you, Fuck you." However, it is Your wall, Your profile, Your Ego Gym, Your boring, uneventful, wallflower life. It's all about you, so feel free to overflow/saturate/strangle your Facebook wall with all the narcissism in your shallow, self-important being. I don't give a fuck. Meanwhile, it irritates me to see that your stupid narcissism is overflowing/saturating/strangling My news feed. I will be unfriending you soon. 

I have long abandoned the idea of Quality Status Updates (haha) because of conceited imbeciles like you. Surely, we are all given to such bouts of self-entitlement, from time to time. The need to be acknowledged is but a naturally human thing. However, your dependency for ego-rubbing Likes and Comments and Shares is alarming in it's frequency! Why do we have to know that you're bored again?

Another Random Bitch Fit

No real updates this week. I want to throw a bitch fit. However, much unlike the kind of fits I throw, I don't feel like being as elaborate or as articulate with how I want to write-shout this one out. See, I am currently the first thing in sick and tired and stressed and abused and frustrated. A lot of devastating shit has been happening to me offline; if the words "devastating shit" are a cock, then it's pounding me hard in the ass as we speak. Ow, ow, ow. Anyway, you don't want to hear my crap. Much like the same seemingly end-of-the-world roadblock you're facing right now, nobody gives a shit. My issues are nowhere near scandalous, they're the last thing in interesting, haha, so I won't bore you. I'd keep it to myself, although I'd write it away, in this here post, because writing has helped keep me sane countless times prior. 

You know how it feels like when somebody close to you, no, very dear to your heart submits you to the same selfishness because they don't seem like changing? No, baby, have fun all you want, don't mind me. I'm spending longer hours at work now, like an additional two hours for the godforsaken commute, but I can manage. Yes, I just found out how tired to the nuts I am now. I just got home, baby, and I see you sleeping like a harmless angel with a moustache. Sleep it off. You deserve it. You go ahead and have fun all you want. Don't mind me. I have the toughest lady nuts anywhere. All this additional stress? Nahh, you just have all the fun you can get, don't think about it, don't worry yourself none. No, oh no no no, don't mind me, you go ahead and have all, as in All!, the good times you can get. I'm only in the night shift for three months, so you better get the most of it! You know how tough I am. I'll get used to this, too. 

Yes, I'll get used to this, too. On account of this has happened before, like a month ago, and I remember some scatterings of the same incident while we're alr... But then, like I couldn't have mentioned enough, you go ahead and have all the fun that you can. Don't mind me and this anger-point kind of white deja vu I'm writing about. White, as in the color of boiling point loathing, and it is dissolving me from the inside. Nope, you know me enough. It's not killing me yet. You just sleep it off, maybe we'll talk later. And then what? Your "I'm sorry" will be tender and profuse with kisses, and then we're back to okay. And it can be the best apology ever if only it didn't have the qualities of a song on repeat. 

Oh, your status updates are killing me, too. Never mind that you're keeping me a secret to most of your new friends, but you have to know how you're hurting me with the kind of longing you're posting about. I'm trying my best, my absolute, and it pains me to suddenly feel so inadequate. 

I can handle an additional two hours to commute. Yes, I will be sour, and I will be grumpy, and I will all the more caustic, but that's nothing I can't manage. I have the toughest lady nuts anywhere. But my self esteem is on an all time lo... Help me out, will you please?

Forrest Gump and Candy Crush (Part 2, The List)

**Again, this list here enumerates the different comparisons between life... and... Candy... Crush (stifles yawn). And, like I said before, given the nature of this comparison, I will try to explain things in the least hypnotizing manner. And by "hypnotizing," I mean "sleep-inducing." We're talking about life here. Chances are, you probably have heard it before, usually from less competent sources like teenagers who still live with their parents. You might already have had your share of boring as hell, second hand, unsolicited life bullshit, so I'll try to make it cute. 

1. Candy Crush is what happens when you sprinkle obscene amounts of gunpowder on a rainbow. And then you detonate that heavenly miracle. It's colorful debris then flutter and descend towards your PC/Laptop/Tablet as you are launching Candy Crush. And then these colors, these illustrious remains of what was once an arc of magnificent colors, manifest themselves in vibrant movement as you are figuring this hell raising piece of shit puzzle that is Level 117. 

If my life isn't this colorful, then I'm not living it right.  

2. When you run out of lives, you can count on your friends to give you a spare. All you need to do is ask. However, like in real life, your friends can be bitches, too. And they will ignore your requests because they're too busy posting their 230-thousandth selfie. Which is strangely flawless. 

3. There's this person in the office, and I see him a lot, and I am familiar with the neglect he practices on his cheeks. However, I am surprised by the uncommon quality of his overall complexion in his Facebook updates. It's a queer witchcraft, I tell you, and to an extent, it is possessed of certain Jekyll and Hyde qualities. 

4. Sometimes, your friends will ask you to give them lives, by and by. Of course, you can be the jerk you always were and ignore them.

5. Completing a certain number of levels enables Tiffi to proceed to her next destination. However, you will need three tickets to board that train, or plane, to your next stop. Unless you have the Facebook coins to pay for your fare, then you will need to ask your friends. Again, they can either give you a hand or ignore you because they're too absorbed in their usual shallow Facebook fare. 

6. Level 50 in Candy Crush introduces chocolates. These chocolates block possible matches, and unless they're eliminated, they re-spawn every turn until they smother the board to nothing. Life comparison: an ex-lover drops by, again, and you wish he'd stop doing those unwanted visits because you're moving along at a sedate pace these days. Fuck him and his life updates. 

7. If you make the effort to match four candies together, then you are rewarded with a Striped Candy that decimates everything in its horizontal or vertical path. Match five, and you get a Color Bomb that is given to many different board-clearing combinations. These power ups do an terrific job in scoring points and, to an extent, clearing the level. Life comparison: Decisions, decisions, decisions. Sure, you can take the ordinary way out, but where's the fun in that? Wouldn't you rather be explosive, instead? Wouldn't you rather give them hell? 

8. Candy Crush is addicting, but it can be repetitive. Life is addicting, too. Because you can't get enough of it. Haha. This shit is totally beyond cheesy.

9. I am currently at Level 157, and the progressive challenges whose asses I have kicked make it all the more intriguing. Life comparison: Exactly.

Forrest Gump Should Have Played Candy Crush Instead

That way, he'll have a better metaphor for life. For those of you kids who have no idea as to what I'm talking about, yet, then let me put you up to speed. Forrest Gump was this dumb hick in this Academy Award winning move that went by the same name. This was in 1994. He was borderline likeable, and he was played by Tom Hanks. Anyway, his main claim to pop culture fame was this gold shit nugget of wisdom:

My momma always said, "Life was like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

Remember? Now, if we were to apply today's internet jargon, this quote went viral. It would have it's own Twitter following, it would have trended and ranked, and it will have it's own Facebook page that will be Liked by thousands. However, when you think about it, this bit of imbecile wisdom had the makings of one of the dumbest things ever. Think about it. You were given a box of chocolates. And you have no idea what you're getting? Of course, he was referring to variety, but who the fuck gives a shit about variety? It's chocolate. It's sex in bite sized pieces. It's fattening in excess. It's in a box. And you don't know what you're getting?

"Box of chocolates ba ito? Hinde, hinde. Arinola yan, tinaehan ko sa loob. Naalala ko birthday mo eh. Happy birthday." Nope, I didn't find that funny at all. Let's all give it the funeral it finally deserves.  

Anyway, that fool Forrest Gump should have played Candy Crush instead. And then he'll have better material to shine us with instead. Now, for those of you who are decidedly out of the loop, let me put you up to speed. Candy Crush is this application in Everybody's Ego Gym. Facebook. 

Tiffi

And it is played in levels. Each level has this assortment of candies usually in a box grid. This architecture varies. The point of this game is to clear each level by matching at least three "candies" to comply with that level's requirements. Reach 100,000 points, bring the ingredients down, clear all jellies, fill all orders, be a good Christian and shoot an abortionist in the head, and you do it all by matching at least three "candies." These candies come in six colors. Jelly beans are red. Lozenges are orange. Lemon drops are yellow. Squares are green. Lollipop heads are blue. Clusters are purple. And your shit after too much avocado? Imagine what Bejewelled will be if it was thoroughly less boring, and you have Candy Crush. 

Having said that, allow me to enumerate the many similarities between life and Candy Crush. To hell with Forrest Gump. He's a fictional imbecile. Endearing, yes, but an imbecile all the same. And who gives a fuck about Tom Hanks? He's probably senile now, anyway. And, given the nature of this comparison, I will try to explain things in the least hypnotizing manner. And by "hypnotizing," I mean "sleep-inducing." We're talking about life here. Chances are, you probably have heard it before, usually from less competent sources like teenagers who still live with their parents. You might already have had your share of boring as hell, second hand, unsolicited life bullshit, so I'll try to make it cute. 

1. Candy Crush is what happens when you sprinkle obscene amounts of gunpowder on a rainbow. And then you detonate that heavenly miracle. It's colorful debris then flutter and descend towards your PC/Laptop/Tablet as you are launching Candy Crush. And then these colors, these illustrious remains of what was once an arc of magnificent colors, manifest themselves in vibrant movement as you are figuring this hell raising piece of shit puzzle that is Level 117. 

If my life isn't this colorful, then I'm not living it right.  

To Be Continued

**Haha, I'd rather be a jerk than to murder you guys with too much verbal diarrhea. I love you guys too much to bore you to your early grave, so I decided to economize. This list is roughly two hundred meters long. You can all use a break. But there is a real list, okay, and the last time I checked (or Googled), the words "life is like candy crush" didn't return an actual list. You can try to enlarge on my ideas, but I bet you're boring as hell to pick up where I left off. And, on a spiritual note, fuck you if you do.