Sunday, April 30, 2006

Swearing on Blogrolling

Let me make bugaw this Blogrolling thing.

Blogrolling is this, you know, libre na service for the cool na cool na bloggers like me and those in my roll. What it does is that it allows you to create a link list using this easy to learn na interface.

What makes it sobrang unique is the different customizations na you can apply to it. Meaning, you can make it sobrang bakla if you want to, or just, ano, discreetly bisexual with the same pink fonts only lighter. Ew, I said discreetly bisexual. Hello double dead chicken! Wave and say hi to the gutless closet queens in their late twenties!

What I like most about Blogrolling is that it actually keeps you posted about the recent updates your fellow bloggers has made within a certain time frame. Hello, customizable nga, right? Check my blogroll and see that there's actually a marker for updated blogs. That's not pure panghuhula or tsamba lang noh. That's for posers like Stargazer and Madam Auring with her hoping to be a sexy star na pangit boyfriend Archie.

So what that means is you'll know which blogs to go to for the time being. That saves you time, and gives you a sense of purpose.

Diba, spoken like a real ex telemarketer. Hay, you should have heard me trying to sell fashion sense to that baklang Jobert Sucaldito in the Buzz. Didn't work but it was my best foot forward in Havaianas.

Related Posts:

MEL Versus the "Discreetly Bisexual, Man-Eating PAMINTA"
Confessions of a Telemarketer
My Resignation Letter

Saturday, April 29, 2006

You don't need to know these things, but I'm sure you'll read this through.

Kasi nga sometimes, you're as makati as the higad which made kain the gabi leaf which was cooked to make laing.

1. The penis has approximately 70 fewer nerve-endings than the clitoris.

2. Anne Boleyn, one of Henry VIII's wives, had three breasts.

3. In Tibet, virgins are considered worthless.

4. During coitus, most men ejaculate in less than five minutes.

5. Farmers in Java make love in the fields at night to stimulate the growth of their rice crops.

6. Only 5 per cent of British men are circumcised, compared to 20 per cent in Holland, 50 per cent in Germany, and 90 per cent in America.

7. "Penis" is Latin for tail.

8. Sexual arousal can greatly relieve hay-fever.

9. Next to the genitals, the next hottest part of your body during sex is your thumbs.

10. Wealthy people enjoy sex less than poor people do.

11. Humans are the only animals who stimulate the female breasts during sex.

12. Sarah Bernhardt had more than a 1000 lovers; whereas Casanova had only 155.

13. Female porcupines sometimes engage in homosexual activities.

14. Soaking your testicles in iced water can increase sperm production.

15. Adolf Hitler frequently ejaculated during his speeches.

16. Laura Bell became London's highest paid prostitute when she charged Prince Jung Bahahur 250,000 pounds for one night.

17. Montezuma was gay.

18. The longest pregnancy on record lasted 20 years.

19. When masturbating, most men ejaculate within two minutes.

20. Cream-crackers where invented in Victorian times to curb the sexual appetites of adolescent girls.

21. Only one in 4,000 adults is anatomically incapable of ejaculation.

22. Because it increases blood pressure, heart-rate and respiration, but decreases anxiety, it helps to make good sex.

23. In 1977, a six year old girl gave birth.

24. There are 14,288,400 possible combinations of sexual positions for a man and a woman to engage in.

25. Atilla the Hun died while making love, not war.

26. "Vagina" is Latin for "sheath".

27. Body temperature of the testicles is normally a few degrees below the average 98.6 degrees.

28. The word "masturbation" was only introduced into the English language in 1759.

29. On his wedding night, Napoleon was bitten on his penis by Josephine's dog, who thought the emperor was attacking his mistress.

30. In ancient Greece and Rome, to "lesbianise" referred exclusively to the sucking of the penis, and was a term only applied to men.

31. Genophobia is a morbid dread of sexual relations, whereas kakorraphobia is an equally morbid dread of remaining a virgin.

32. The Marquis de Sade spent 12 years in prison for poisoning a number of prostitutes by giving them a dangerous overdose of Spanish fly.

33. In 19th century France, women who where excessively orgasmic had their clitorises removed.

34. Immanuel Cant died a virgin.

35. Some women can achieve orgasm by having their eyebrows stroked.

36. Because of its diuretic effect and a rich supply of minerals that help to maintain a high-level of energy, asparagus is considered to be the most effective aphrodisiac, next to Spanish fly.

37. D. H. Lawrence was allergic to female pubic hair.

38. Manual labourers have 35 per cent more "staying power" in bed than office workers.

39. A great number of African tribes circumcise their women as soon as they reach puberty.

40. Men who wear jockey-type briefs tend to have lower sperm counts than men who wear boxer shorts.

41. Havlock Ellis, the sexologist, was a virgin till he got married at the age of 38. Even then, he married a lesbian.

42. In 1980, an Israeli court ordered a schoolteacher to either have sexual relations with his wife or else pay a weekly fine of 20 pounds until he did so.

43. Sneezing is the physiological phenomenon that most closely resembles the climactic and explosive discharge that occurs during orgasm.

44. The editors of Knave Fiesta can achieve orgasm simply by rejecting humorous essays.

45. Cleopatra had expensive tastes in aphrodisiacs; she dropped two pearls of great value into Mark Anthony's wine before seducing him.

46. Recent psychiatric surveys show that the main worry of a man whose wife had been raped is that she enjoyed it, and that the rapist was a better lover.

47. Thirty two per cent of British men have had an experience with a prostitute.

48. Aristotle believed that ejaculation was controlled by contraction of the buttocks.

49. The Kama Sutra advises readers if they find some of the weirder positions difficult, they should try practicing them under water.

50. If we take her word for it, Brigitte Bardot has slept with just over 4,700 men.

51. In Thailand some families raise their youngest males as females, so that they can become transvestite whores when they get older.

52. Jewish men and women have a longer span of sexual activity than Christians and those of other faiths; an average of five to six years longer.

53. Approximately 25 per cent of British women prefer rear entrance sexual coupling (doggy style) than any other.

54. Mae West had a birthmark in the shape of a penis on her left buttock.

55. Princess Anne was the only competitor in the 1976 Olympic games who was not given a sex test.

56. Billy Jean King was the first Wimbledon tennis champion to publicly admit that she'd had an abortion.

57. The favorite erogenous zone of Australian aborigines is the woman's big toe (on either foot).

58. Catherine de Balzac, a 16th century courtesan who had an affair with Henry IV was buried with a chastity belt on.

59. The male penis rates only 9 out of 12 as a turn on for women, according to a recent Sunday Times survey. (top of the list are sexy buttocks, tallness and soulful eyes).

60. King Farouk was turned on by girls with venereal disease.

61. Queen Victoria often demanded sexual intercourse from Prince Albert up to eight times a night. Many historians attribute Albert's early death at the age of 46 to this.

62. One in seven British women have witnessed indecent exposure by men, but only two per cent of incidents are reported to the police.

63. In Berlin, Germany, a new male perfume, "Mucho", has as it's base a chemical called alpha-androstenediol, which is obtained from human sweat gathered at the moment of sexual copulation.

64. Fidel Castro only has sex with blonde, white Anglo-Saxon girls of respectable English families.

65. The sperm count per ejaculation for the human male is 500,000,000. This compares with 47,000,000,000 for swine, and 3,500 for hamsters.

66. The pickled penis of famous gangster John Dillinger resides in a secret nook of the American museum of the institute of pathology, Washington. It is reported to be 14 inches in length. when alive, Dillinger was often heard boasting about his "two-foot hard-on".

67. The best-selling T-shirt in America in 1982 bore the brazen legend: "Liquor in the front, Poker in the rear!".

68. One of King Lapetamaka of Tonga's official duties, according to Captain Cook's journal, was to deflower every maiden born on the island.

69. Pope Leo the VIII died at the Vatican in 965, during an orgy that lasted over two weeks.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Ben Tumbling Discusses Elevator Etiquette

1. Don't press five floors at the same time hah, it's sobrang hassle kaya to the other people who have actual offices to go to noh. You're not playing BINGO kaya in Megamall.

2. If you're in a hurry to go up, don't make gigil while making pindot the UP button. Kasi naman noh, there's no point in doing that. It's like banging the keyboard or the enter key when you're sobrang poot na rin with your squatter na chatmate. In due time kaya. Duh.

3. I usually cover my nose in the presence of the urban poor noh, pero if you're sobrang amoy pawis ha, just wait for the next available car and make solo na lang noh. Ew, baho.

4. Don't fart when you're siksikan na with the urban masa. Nobody's going to make amin kaya. And what makes it more pangit is when everybody starts rolling their eyeballs and makes that sobrang yucked-out na face feeling nila di sila umuutot like me.

5. Don't make kuwento in palengkera mode about your recent problems in life ha. Nobody cares kaya about your deepwell na tubig noh. For real.

6. There was this one time ha, I was alone in the elevator with my Amigang Joyce and this other old lady na mukhang led lights on a DSL modem. Kasi naman noh, everything on her's green kaya, from her tattooed eyebrows to her earrings to her shocking vomit green blazer. Wala lang, share ko lang.

7. Don't be feeling maganda when somebody smiles at you noh. Like what I do with Princess Baldo, we wave and say hi to the poor people din.

8. Always let the people go out of the car first. Don't be ugaling bollocks naman when you're in a hurry to get in. Let naman the other people get out first before you get in. Hello, it's common courtesy kaya.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Growing Up Gay Part 1: Another Gay Baby

I was crying when I was born because I knew right there and then that I was born with the wrong sexual organ.

I endured nine months of conception, and I was praying for a vagina all that time. So you would imagine my horror when I found out that somebody made a mistake and gave me a dick on my birthday. The doctor didn't have to slap my ass to make me cry. I looked down at my pea-sized penis, realized that THIS is final, and I cried. That hateful man in white robes then pronounced "It's a boy," and I cried even harder in protest. It was the greatest insult to injury. It was salt to my wounds. I cried like the girl I was supposed to be, but those three words pretty much settled things for me. So I bawled. I remember having no real words back then, but I was sure I was crying expletives in baby talk. Maybe even gay lingo in baby talk, but I was real pissed just the same

Maybe I was trying to delay my actual childbirth for another two months since I was hoping for an exciting change of plans. Tough luck. I was, I mean "am" born male, and I'm going to have to go through gayness in baby steps.

I remember this kid in kindergarten. You know how kids are, and how terribly inquisitive and excited they get when they're trying to register some new piece of information. Well, he wants to show us his dick. Maybe he found out there's something in between his legs and he's just so terribly happy about having something to masturbate. Yup, this little horndog's more than eager to flash his weenie to his classmates in kindergarten. And he did.

I remember actually asking him for an encore later that same day. Like that kid, I was terribly inquisitive and excited because I'm trying to register some new piece of information. But if anything, that served to validate the total gayness that is Momel. It is a validation since I knew I was gay way before that incident in kindergarten. I knew that even as a sperm cell, I was trying to catch the male egg cells.

Growing Up Gay Part 2: My Father

I don't know if I'm a lucky princess, but my childhood days were nothing traumatic for a growing Maximo Oliveros like myself. I didn't experience no major conflict with my father, but I remember this one time in grade six. I was studying in an exclusive all-boys school back then, and I remember writing this certain classmate a "letter." It wasn't the type of letter you'd give to a friend, and it's contents were most certainly nothing that a guy would write to another guy.

You have no freaking idea how my father raised hell for me when he found that letter sitting in his drawing table.

I remember playing something downstairs. I think it was chess, but my playtime was definitely interrupted all the same. I heard this thundering roar resonating with an obvious fury, and I became very very afraid for some reason. That voice bellowed "Rommel!" in it's righteous indignation. My name echoed throughout the first floor of our little house.

It had this peculiar effect on me. I don't know what it's called, but it must be the kind of fear that a gay kid goes through when his little queer secret's a few seconds away from discovery.

My baptism of fire into the gay world, my rite of passage certainly was not of the sexual nature. It was this recollection of myself, slowly approaching my enraged father holding that letter in his hands. He was not trembling in fury, but his eyes were those of a Gorgon. I stood still as stone in my tracks as he watched me approach.

He needed an explanation. I fabricated one in my gay confusion and terror. He knew I was lying. I ran. Literally. I stormed down the stairs and out of the house as fast as my queer legs would carry me, and I knew without turning back that my father was in hot pursuit. He was running after me only in his briefs, but that didn't stop him from catching me and grabbing me by the wrist.

He took me back home, but all I can remember, to my greatest relief, was him telling me to never run away again. He never raised in hands in punishment. He never talked about it again. But the rest, on the contrary, wasn't peaceful history at all. It was fucking ironic at the very least.

I never had no idea that the judgment I never received from my father was bestowed by these outsiders, these cretins with one track minds. Maybe I was lucky because I didn't have to endure any sort of punishment from my father, but then I had to suffer judgment from the rest of the world.

The universe has a sick sense of humor, doesn't it?

You know how those old school Jews were stoned to death in the Old Testament? There were no actual rocks for me, but I was heavily punished with character attacks. Although I was physically unharmed with this offensive, I had to nurse emotional scars.

Words are powerful bullets. They put holes in your heart.

I grew up realizing that my father never talked about that incident again because his brain wasn't nearly as small as these gay-bashing sons of bitches. These motherfucking bigots unknowingly shaped my developing mind, and I grew to hold these morons in contempt.

I still do.

Growing Up Gay Part 3: Look at Me Now!

I grew up hating prejudice. I used to ran away from it when I was a kid channeling Maximo Oliveros. I don't know why I hated it but something about other people's judgment makes me caustic at the very least. And what makes it worse is that these insults are just everywhere. Hell, even the most educated fool harbors either fear or prejudice towards my brethren, er, sister-en.

There's just no running away from it.

So I started looking at the gay guy they're bashing. There's no magic mirrors for me, but it was an extremely purposeful process of looking at myself. Let me see: I like men and women as friends, but I prefer to get past friendships with men and escalate these to something better. I walk funny because I choose to, and I have enough finger-snapping attitude for two genders. I sashay to Madonna, snap my fingers to Destiny's Child, and subscribe to Regine's vocal range. I don't cross-dress, but, at the very least, white belts are a dangerous fashion statement. And I know that you don't wear orange blush if your complexion's totally evened-out. And that's factoring in the color of your asshole.

Hell, these stupid buttcracks DO have a point. That clearly wasn't some straight guy's personal evaluation. I am gay, and they're just stating the obvious. But that's a pretty stupid thing for an already stupid guy to do. You know, state the obvious. Might as well discuss the weather, or the time, or the calendar date.


Yes, I am gay and nothing's stopping that. The most other people can do is talk about it, but I've grown to understand that prejudice is merely a part of any homosexual's diet. So I learned to eat it and shit it and move on. There's no stopping it since these imbeciles are everywhere. There's no justifying my homosexuality because, like I mentioned, these idiots do have a valid argument. I'm gay and that's all there is to it.

But come to think of it, that's not a very bad thing. That gay thing. Not at all. First, I get to channel the best qualities of both sexes. I get to feel like a woman minus childbirth, stuffy pantyliners, and boobs. I get to keep my penis because of my genetic make up. And what naturally born male horndog, regardless of his sexual orientation, knows nothing of the satisfaction brought about by his "nota?"

Second, being gay gives me all the right to hang out with my equally gay or gayer friends, and what fool knows nothing about how funny a gay guy can get? I get to laugh more maybe because I'm surrounding myself with funnier people. It's either that or because I'm looking at the world in very pink glasses. That makes things all the whole lot funnier because for some reason, these pink glasses trigger some part of the brain which makes making fun (of other people?) a secondary nature.

Why in gay hell would I want to go against that?

It's just two things, but it's a whole heaven of fun already. I like it, and am growing to love it with the understanding that this is going to be my life. I know that there's more to it eventually, and I might blog about it in the long run.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

Ben Tumbling Discusses Gay Queen's Libog

I swear to God talaga.

My friend the Gay Queen is so freaking libog talaga sometimes huh. He's oftentimes making yabang to his bakla friends that he just got laid this one time or that and so on and so forth. To hell with that horny bitch kaya. Kasi naman eh, his amiga, Princess Baldo is always making hawa the libog to him, eh they're always in character pa naman all the time. I mean, you know, being the down to earth sobrang yaman people that they are, they tend to speak like me rin. Pero unlike me huh, they're sobrang kati noh! Like what Momel says when he's making "Pasok, Tulfo," they're like mga higad na made kain in the leaf ng gabi which was cooked to make laing. That's how kati he is. Exag noh?

Pero it's okay since they're both upper end rin naman eh like me. It's okay to be malibog and manyakis na bakla naman kasi diba it's not rape naman if you're paying for it. So bayot talaga the katwiran, right? So they have all that money like me, pero noh, they're sobrang libog kaya. And landi rin at the same time noh.

They're like Paris and Nicole talaga sometimes, pero shempre noh, like, feeling lang nila yun noh kasi they're both bakla. As in sobrang faggot na faggot kaya sila. And Princess Baldo has certain angles where she looks like a kabayo and her armpits are, you know, pang-Arabiana type kasi it's mabuhok. For real! Pero the Gay Queen finds Princess Baldo so freaking hilarious naman so she's cool. And she's also fashionista rin, like dapat lang, and she manages to fake her balakang by making siksik yung potholder nila sa jeans niya. Pero it's sometimes kaka-duda huh when she claims that she's a size-4 sa Celine pero she's 5'9 and 160 lbs noh. Kaka-crazy, right?

Anyway ha, I need to talk to that Gay Queen soon. As if that's possible naman noh, kasi that luka-lukang autistic Momel makes us up lang naman. For real. He's making pauso a multiple-personality disorder in his Blahg of Bullshit. So I was like, hello? The things people do talaga to make papansin noh? Whatever.

Anyway ulit ha, I'm sure the Gay Queens's going to read this blog soon, so let me write it here na lang for Her Poser Highness' sake ha. Naku hah, you better monitor your sexual activity kasi it's been so "alarmingly intense these past few days." Oh diba, "alarmingly intense" raw oh! That's Momel making singit and "Pasok, Tulfo." Anyway, yeah, like you've been so active lately ha, di na ata nakapagtataka if the next time you vomit eh may lumabas na titi.

Shucks, I'm sobrang gross talaga sometimes.

That's also me doing public service na rin. Safe sex, okay? It's like me making sisi na rin for not making paalala towards my ex-amiga Kris Aquino. Look at her now with her dripping STD, right? So there you go. Wear a condom and don't make pansin that jologs song by the bakla group Air Supply huh. What's that ba ulit? Making Love With Nothing At All? I don't make birit that song kasi eh, so I'm just making my best hula. You know naman na I still manage to care pa rin if I'm not busy making bilang my maraming pera or if I'm not making tambay in I-bank.

Updates for my First 3000 Hits!

1. In case you haven't noticed, most of my blog posts are now expandable! Yeah, what that means is that you won't have to go over my lengthier posts if you don't feel like it. There's a link that reads [Click Here to Read More...] in most of my longer posts, so feel free to abuse that feature whenever you feel like it. And aside from that, being the Voice of Reason that I have always claimed to be, there's still Bullshitting at a Glance which offers a very convenient manner of going over my posts. It's categorized, so you have that option of going over posts which cater to your specific perversion. Enjoy!

2. Bullshitting at a Glance will now include two more categories, Ben Tumbling and the Gay Queen and My Favorite Posts.

3. It is official. Ben Tumbling and the Gay Queen are now going to contribute to that fantastic undertaking of epic proportions that is called Momel's Big Blahg of Bullshit. In case you're wondering, these fools are not real people. They're different sides of Momel bordering on both kinky and cool. Think of it as a multiple personality disorder, only I get to channel these freaks when I feel like it. Think of me as Emily Rose, and these demons are having a gangbanging good time.

4. There will be a blog roll, or a link list of the cool people who link to this blog. Wow, I've been meaning to include that a long time ago, but I'm in the process of winning against my people-phobia. Who would've thought it's fairly easy when you're doing it online, huh?

5. For my 3000th hit, I will be writing about me growing up gay. I'm going to be true to form and become the drama-queen that I've always been online. Hope you guys check that out!

6. Ben Tumbling's monkey face will then feature glasses just to show how cool this simian actually is. At least just to show how cool he thinks he is.

It's going to be anytime soon.

Blog Spotlight: Blogging the Fifth Nail

I finished this book once, "Contract Killer: The Life of Donald 'The Greek' Frankos," and he recounts the hierarchy of prisoners according to their crimes. Sex offenders and molesters are at the bottom of the chain, mafia hitmen are up on the top. Goes without saying that in an isolated collection of criminals, these filthy motherfuckers are still the lowest of the low.

Blogging the Fifth Nail is a sex offender's blog used to testify against him in court. He blogs about justice and demons and God and all that religious fairy tale maybe to show how self-righteous he actually is. But he's also campaigning for sex offender rights at the same time. Turns out that none of that bullshitting worked for him; he was still somebody's scumbag buttfuck in jail. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting your new prison bitch, Joseph E Duncan III the Homicidal Pedophile.

This is his blog.

Monday, April 17, 2006

Ben Tumbling Goes Blog-Hopping and Makes "Lait"

**This will be the first of many. By the way, Ben Tumbling is a character I recently introduced in one of my posts. He's been very maldita ever since.

I've had it na talaga with some loser na posers ha with their trying hard na social climbing! Kainis ha, like there was this time na I was blog hopping, and I saw this one blog na talagang nakaka-galit the english ha. Kasi naman eh, a lot of super cool people like me are doing the blog thing talaga. So shempre, the feeling cool na social climbers taking up Refrigeration Engineering sa yucky na Capellan Institute of Technology also register sa Blogger and try to keep up with the Joneses like me. Hay naku. Yeah, I before I forget ha, Momel says that he's going to include a blog roll or a link list of the astig na people na reading this blog. He'll be updating soon to celebrate his 3000th hit.

Drama queen. Enough with him nga muna kasi like what Princess Baldo told me one time na he's having his kadiring ingrowns pulled, "Moment ko ito noh."

Pero like Momel used to say, there are no real rules to blogging naman eh. Okay fine, bitch. That Momel talaga with his laos na fountain of wisdom is sometimes kaka-inis rin. Sobrang feeling naman niya na he's like the Voice of Reason or some stupid shit like that. And he has to make "Pasok, Tulfo" pa always.

Hmph. But that doesn't stop me from making lait this one blog shempre. For instance:

Duh, since when pa is siomai Japanese huh? Kakagalit, right? Kasi naman gurl, you have to mention pa na it's Japanese eh. To quote Kris Aquino, you have dalawang ekis na tuloy.

OMG, you're sobrang feeling conio like me talaga. I had a hard time talaga pronouncing Rs before kasi naman my ortho made me wear fucking bwaces. In between vowels daw oh. Ouchie! Like, away ko.

Alam mo gurl, you have to make aral how to pwoperly use the tandang panggulat noh. I mean, the exclamation point pala. There you go, you make balik-aral na lang your punctuation marks noh. Watch na lang Sine-skwela (or something) sa local channels kasi I'm sure your jumper cables for SkyCable will be reported by your inggiterang neighbor. Watch na lang the sobrang laos na Kuya Bodjie in Sine-skwela (or something). That's what next. OMG, parang feeling ko I need to take Calci-block na talaga.

My stwess level and my blood pwessures kakagulat na talaga huh! This calls for banig banig na Calci block na. As in, for real! Pero in fairness naman huh, she's really trying to blog naman eh. So there's an A for effort na lang to our celebrated social climber of the week.

I'm so salbahe talaga sometimes. Kasi naman noh, it's nakakatamad na sometimes making tambay lang in ATM machines just to make sure na those third world ATMs dispense and display my nakakalulang complete balance. Tapos when I'm bored na looking at my maraming pera, I try to do something naman na productive. Like work on this blog. Pero that's occasional lang naman kasi Momel channels me only when he's not trying to out-cool me with his matalinghagang bullshit noh. Honestly huh, he's so Kristy Fermin sometimes with his metaphors. And you know naman na nothing spells "luka-lukang jologs" like that trying hard paparazzi Kristy Fermin.

I sometimes wonder talaga why or how we're bound in the same body, that Momel and myself. Kasi nga diba, add all my cool to his anti-social autism, and it's going to be like, sobrang nuclear na reaction. And then that cocksucking Gay Queen has to make singit pa sometimes with her sobrang libog na manunupang "I'm-all-that" attitude.

Buti na lang noh, we're not like someone I know na who's both Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels in one body. Kasi nga diba, Dumb and Dumber siya. So I guess I'm cool na rin with this situation. And siguro I won't be doing another fault-finding session muna kasi naman this blog is so not perfect anyway. As in. I'm going to make that ulit ha,
this blog is so not perfect. I mean, Momel now claims na he's trying out three personalities or styles in his writing. Duh, what's the point of using different styles eh this is not Kung Fu naman diba? It's just a freaking blog okay, so let's just have fun na lang. For the meantime, I'll make tambay na lang sa I-bank.

Saturday, April 15, 2006

Little Girl, What Makes You So Nice?

I was buying something from the local sari sari store this one night, and I was observing my personal policy of being totally ignorant of the people around me. That's me being so totally beyond myself with all this coolness. And then I heard this little pipsqueaking inquiry coming out of nowhere, as abrupt as it was uninvited. "Hoy, bakla ka ba?" It registered from this little girl of no more than four years. She had pigtails on, and she was wearing this shirt two sizes larger. I told her "Oo, bakit?" in the most matter-of-fact manner possible for speaking with somebody as young as she is.

She then surprised me a sweet sweet smile. This is the smile most parents are probably looking forward to after a day's work, the kind of smile which made kids so delightfully endearing despite their tendency to become rudely inquisitive. This is the smile which warms and cheers and causes you to smile in return. I never expected that, and what she said with that smile just arrested my righteous indignation however inappropriate.

She smiled and she said, "Wala lang."

Honestly, that little angel's going to be some lucky gay guy's loyal fag hag in the future.

Friday, April 14, 2006

You Know How to Scratch My Itch!

I am now so beyond myself with all my drooling and backflipping. Things like this make me want to write more, and then thank you more for the props! Thanks again!

Wednesday, April 12, 2006


Congratulations, Ben!

First off, warm and wealthy congratulations goes out to that fantastic tech support representative Ben Tumbling. He has been doing a very good job helping people go back online for A YEAR NOW, and that significant accomplishment merits a fantastic reward of sorts.

He already has another tattoo scheduled for sometime this coming May; it's going to have roses in red, pink, and white, and it's going to stand for SAFE SEX. The horny fool reasons he "ain't born with no flower, so he's going to have to do something about it." He's thinking about a big time purchase as well. He's planning on highlighting the first of many years in one of his growing passions, i.e. his job, with either a high-end DVD player or an IPod. He's very interested in an IPod since he claims that those white earplugs give him more excuses to ignore everybody else when he feels like it. Plus, it gives him a good excuse to accesorize with something white since white belts are totally out of his bible. He's also thinking about a high-end DVD player so that he can share his morbid fascination for cult classics like Cannibal Holocaust and Faces of Death. He maintains that nothing spells "family time" quite like gross imagery involving shit eaters and a whole hell of mutilation. This princess says he doesn't mind an upper-end format player since he claims he's just soo totally rich anyway.

He's giving himself a month to think about it.

Ben also maintains an ass-kick of a blog when he's not being phenomenal at work. He claims that he has long since sworn off understating, but he's still trying. Anyway, he calls his blog Momel's Big Blahg of Bullshit, and he operates under a different name when working on it. Oh, he's also known as that gay freak Momel when he feels like swimming in his overflowing swamp of kinky self-esteem. He's going to be contributing to this blog from time to time. You'll know it's him; he's just soo full of himself.

He calls himself Ben Tumbling after one of Lito Lapid's more popular trigger-happy characters. He claims it's more American-sounding than "Kapitan Guti" or "Narsing Lacson, Batas ng Navotas." He recalls this one time when a customer asked him for his name. He said it's Ben Tumbling, to which the American customer reacts, "Ben WHAAAT?" He replied, "Tumbling, sir. Ben Tumbling. You know, like the verb. Tumbling. And there you go." He believes that, when it comes to picking your American name, it's more convenient to have an action word as a last name. He remembers one of his earlier names with the same format, but that name was shortlived due to a client request. And that name was Dick Cumming.

You ask why Lito Lapid and not Dante Varona? Ben claims that the urban poor appeal of that hampaslupang Dante Varona is just so pang-masa. He says he's having none of Varona's "jologs" in his state of cool.

He now claims to have a full stomach and money in his pocket. And a savings account to boot. The bitch has come a long way.

Congratulations, Ben Tumbling!

P.S. Ben writes like this.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Momel Versus The Queen Fairy of Gay Loving (ROUND 1)

Once upon a time...

I was finishing Resident Evil 4 on my PS2 when the room was suddenly engulfed in this acrid pink fog. It deliberately violates the senses with the smell of orange blush and setting lotion. It was fiercely abrupt, and I was just getting used to this uninvited sensation when a familiar figure began to emerge from the then dispersing smoke.

It was the Queen Fairy of Gay Loving with her two-ended dildo slash magic wand.

Queen Fairy: Momel, Momel, Momel. It's a fucking Saturday evening, and you're here wasting your fabulous good looks on your PS2? Why don't you go get yourself glammed up and go out? You know full well that there's somebody out there waiting for your sweet sweet lip-loving. I should know. I'm reading your dreams.

Momel: Hey, fairy, you want something to drink? I went grocery shopping earlier. I have teargas and ipis-poison.

Queen Fairy: Thanks, I'll pass. I just cocksucked the youth out of this kid I met online so I think I'm all set. Now, I want you to take your filthy hands off of that analog controller, take a bath and get gorgeous. You know those hands are meant to raise gay hell for another gay guy, so step to it.

Momel: Can I just do that some other time? I'm having sex with my PS2, and I'm almost done putting bullet holes in these motherfucking brainless zombies. Hindutin ka sa kumukulong langis na putangina ka! Ooops, sorry your Highness, I was talking to these zombies. Don't you just hate them appearing when you really don't want them to?

Momel: And I just had sex last night, so I guess I'm good. I'm not in the mood to pleasure myself or another horny cocksucker. I think I'll just stay in.

Queen Fairy: My dear faggot underling, you've clearly resumed your old habit of trash talking. I'm not taking none of your bullshit, okay? And I'm soo not talking about another one night stand. That is soo five minutes ago. I want you to go find yourself a lover.

Momel: But I have a lover already! And I'm so deeply in love with him. So yeah, I guess that settles that. Leave me alone now.

Queen Fairy: Shut your piehole, fool. You so don't have a lover, and you better believe it. (Snaps fingers in righteous indignation.)

Momel: Yes, I do.

Queen Fairy: Oh hell no, you don't. I should know. I'm reading your blog.

Momel: Yes, I do. (Points fingers.) See?

Queen Fairy: (Follows the direction towards where my finger is pointed. Allows some time to leave mouth agape in disbelief. Maniacal laughing is heard a few seconds after. Maniacal laughing pauses as if collecting itself, and then erupts with very audible intensity.)

Queen Fairy: You're the most retarded faggot I've ever had in my kingdom! And you know what (waves wand and causes analog controller and PS2 to vanish), I've had enough of this crap. And furthermore (snaps finger twice in a circle and causes my lover to levitate three feet in front of me), your lover won't do you no hell of good. So I'm sending him straight down to where no gay sun don't shine!

Momel: Oh no you won't! (Scrambles in a hurried frenzy to rescue my lover which begins to tremble violently. Hugs lover with a few seconds to move him away from an approaching wisp of pink dust. Pink dust meets with a glassful of ipis-poison which dissolves to the tune of Chaka Kahn's Through the Fire.)

Momel: Damn you, I'm so not going to forgive you if anything even remotely dangerous should happen to him! (Tightly embraces lover.)

Queen Fairy: Did you just save that no-good piece of trash you claim as your lover?

Momel: You better believe it.

Queen Fairy: But that's a freaking maple cuestick!

Momel: Ain't he a beauty? You have no idea how I love stroking his smooth shaft. (Refers to actual interaction between a pool player and his cuestick.)

Queen Fairy: You're telling me that you're preferring this inanimate object over an actual human being? (Shows no clear understanding of the pun intended, being the shallow bitch she is.)

Momel: Well, that makes two of us (Rolls eye to Queen Fairy's two-ended dildo slash wand. Raises right eyebrow in contempt.)

Queen Fairy: Why you insubordinate motherfucker! I'm trying my awful sweetest to help you out, and this is the thanks I get? Why don't you just flash me the dirty finger for props?

Momel: (Mutters: I'll be more than happy to oblige. And then mutters more expletives you don't normally employ in the company of royalty. However homosexual they are.)

Momel: But what makes you think that I need help? I'm very comfortable with what's going on right now, and I'm not terribly eager to try it with another human being. I like playing pool, and that's it. This passion has done a whole lot of good for me, and that's not something that any of my exes have even succeeded in doing. I'm not giving up just yet with another person, but I'm not real mighty with giving it another shot in the next few days or so. Or weeks. Or months. Don't worry, I'm not counting years just yet.

Momel: Sure, I'm not volunteering myself for a new relationship. Does that make it any different from actually giving up on love? No, I don't think so (bobs head and snaps fingers). Do you think that there's somebody out there who's ready enough for all my creamy goodness? No, I don't think so (bobs head and snaps fingers). And do you think that there's somebody who's willing to endure all my foulmothing and my trash talking just yet? No, I don't think so (bobs head and snaps fingers). And furthermore...

(A blinding flash of pink smoke arrests the room with that familiar scent of orange blush and setting lotion. It causes my eyes to shed tears, and it blurs my vision with a nightmare of fuchsia. I begin to cough. And then that pink smoke, significant of The Queen Fairy of Gay Loving's arrival and departure, begins to clear. I'm suddenly aware that I'm holding a familiar object. It's my PS2 analog controller, and I'm finishing Resident Evil 4 again. My maple cuestick's back in it's corner of the room, and the Queen Fairy's nowhere in sight. She left.)

Momel: Bitch.

Sunday, April 09, 2006


Who would have thought? But then, big thanks and a whole lot of it goes out to this awesome dude! You so rock!

Thank you so much for the compliment!

Thursday, April 06, 2006

Manong, Doo Yoo Hab A BAHL-pen?

**This will be the first time that I'm writing something with a different taste to it. I mean, feel free to check my previous writings and verify that I'm totally not like this at all. Pero I still like this style ha.

Kaka-inis that bitch ha. I was like, making pila for my Marlboro Lights there in Ministop, right? And I was like, sobrang behaved and totally composed pa kasi the morning people are making pasok na for their shifts, diba? Kakahiya naman to make a dugyut impression noh, I'm working for a popular company pa naman. I was next na eh, and all of a sudden, this gagang bitch sobrang made basag my cool talaga! Like, I was next na noh, and then she sooo made singit like she was artistahin. The nerve ha! Hello, pangit niya kaya, and her clothes look like she made them sungkit pa from her squatter neighbor's sampayan pa. Kakagalit, right? She was just buying a cheap-ass Panda ballpen lang naman noh.

What makes it so kaka-inis, like nakaka-nose bleed na galit, was that she was buying that with a slang. Kapal! She was like, "Manong, doo yoo hab a BAHL-pen?"Yuck, feeling niya talaga. I'm not making buhat my sariling bangko noh kasi it's also my bread and butter na rin, but hello! Reality check lang "Miss Trying Hard" ha, kasi nga diba you're just buying a fucking ka-cheapan na ballpen noh. Yeah, I know na you're just trying to make practice your sobrang basurang fake accent diba, pero hello! Do that with your jologs friends na lang, not when you're making singit just to buy a mumurahing ballpen noh. Duh!

I can't believe na there are sobrang OA na third world squatters who are working in the same building as I am. Alam niyo ha, I'm also working in the same field as that baho girl noh, pero what makes us sobrang astig is that we're on the upper echelon kasi eh. I'm, like, I dunno, a DVD player? And that wannabe is, like, Betamax or something. Like, hello! Sana lang noh, next time, try to practice social etiquette as much as your fake accent kasi it's going to be, you know, more important in the long run talaga. Kaka-inis kasi when some people are sobrang feeling taas ng ihi na once they start doing American Accent training.

Kasi nga diba, these same jologs people are the same losers giving the rest of us agents a bad name. Like, that cashier in mini-stop siguro is already making irap na to the next call center agent na he's making sukli to. Kasi naman the sobrang bahong impression that Ms Trying Hard just gave.

They're sooo making us panghi talaga. Like, ew.

Monday, April 03, 2006


I have this crush (yeah, kadiri noh?) on a straight guy five years younger than myself. That's the bad thing. The good thing is that I would love to go out with him if he was 25, and what makes it good is that it's impossible. See, there is just no way that a 25 year old gay guy can be as fantastic as the sweet soul and the alcoholic tolerance of that kid. I mean, no other 25 year old gay guy can be as fantastic as the sweet soul and the alcoholic tolerance of that kid.

What makes it better is that I'm not getting into anything just yet. Call me a picky noseblot, but I'm allowing myself the privilege of getting to choose who I'm going out with. Wouldn't you?

It appears that I'm dwelling on the impossible. For some strange reason, this shares the same kind warmth as a gay guy masturbating to straight porn.

Thinking of these things makes me stop to tell myself, "Momel, sometimes you're just so baboy talaga."

More Self-Indulgence

You'll find these in the local 7-11 round the corner, and bring at least three hundred pesos with you:

1 bottle of gin bulag (Ginebra - Bilog)

1 bottle of rum (Tanduay Gold - Lapad)
1 & 1/2 liters of orange soda (Royal - 1.5)
2 liters of orange juice powder (Tang)
40 pesos worth of tube ice (7-11)

Mix the gin and the rum in a pitcher, and then add the orange juice powder. Wait for the brew to fizzle, and then transfer half of the concoction into another pitcher. Distribute equal parts of the orange soda into both pitchers until there's nothing left, and then add enough ice to overflow the mixture. Wait for another ten minutes, and then serve.

No observed hangovers or early morning headaches. If you do, I suggest half a liter of Sprite and two tablets of Biogesic. Sleep it off. But aside from that, you'll simply feel the need to spit since the rum tends to orange-coat your tongue.

Oh, since it's rum and gin, your lungs might feel like they're on fire during the first hour. And then you'll feel them shrinking two hours into the jizz. Try to smoke less by then.

If you see blood in your shit the next morning, it's not this.

What's a blog soup?

What's a blog soup? I call it a blog soup because it's this pot (post) of completely unrelated sentences cooked to look interesting. These lines might be ideas for future posts, comments, and just random thoughts. It's supposed to be incoherent, but it should make sense at the same time.

I talk to myself from time to time, and sometimes, I say something cute that I'd want to quote myself at a later time. So I put it in this soup. Or maybe I hear somebody else say something real brilliant that I would want to use at a later time. So I quote them and put it in this soup. Or maybe I find an amusing line from Douglas Adams or Mark Twain. I wouldn't want to vandalize my books with dog-ears and a highlighting pen, so I paraphrase and put it in this soup.Or maybe some smelly local went overboard with the nakakagalit factor, and I don't have enough time to torture current events with a dedicated blahg post. So, for future reference, I lock my jaw and put it in this soup.

You get the drift.

It's basically an excuse for being both lazy and incoherent at the same time.


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