Friday, May 31, 2013

As Far as Faith Goes

**I have respect for all kinds of religions. It is in unequal measures, yes, but it still is respect. 

I believe in a Higher Power up there somewhere. And I know he's checking on me from time to time. That's what I have come to accept after all these years. And no. No one is going to interpret that for me. That unnecessary "intervention" will be an insult to my capacities. 

WHAT? You think I can't just say there's a higher power up there checking on me from time to time? WHAT? It can't be that black and white? WHAT? You and your beliefs have to be involved? WHAT? I need to distract my faith with your needless ceremonies and strict attendance? WHAT? My faith's not good enough, and your church guarantees my real ticket to heaven? WHAT? I cannot judge my own faith because I'm not subscribed to your religion? WHAT? I'm 32, and I've been sustaining my independent self for seven years now. You think I am not capable of making my own decisions? WHAT? What's your word again? Indoctrination? WHAT THE HELL'S UP WITH THAT? 


Friday, May 24, 2013

What to Write on Jesus' Facebook Wall

**I've written about this in one of my posts1, but I have I decided to devote this week's update to this relatively pressing issue. 

Say for example you are a Christian, and you wish to express your Christian faith in the best trending way you know how. You look for Jesus Christ in Facebook. And so you did, but it's suddenly a confusing mess because there are lots, as in Goddamn shit loads, of Jesus Christs in Facebook. It's like a plague of Jesus Christ locusts out there. 

Choooose Your Jesus!

Anyway, this doesn't stop you from your most Christian mission. You need to tell Jesus something, or die trying. Prayer used to be the only sure fire way to get Him a message, but seeing as most prayers are left unanswered because God works in mysterious ways anyway, you yield to something more visible. More 2013. More bandwagon-ish. Hey, if everybody else is doing it, then why can't you? Right? So you lose the sign of the cross, and looked for a Jesus to subscribe to. Or Like. Of course, the operative term here is visible. You want your Facebook friends to see Jesus Christ in your Interests page. 

Meanwhile, you still cannot choose which Jesus Christ to subscribe to. Luckily, most of them have links to their own websites, but you're in a hurry, so you offer your Like to the first Jesus you see. You will have a new life in Candy Crush in another two minutes, so you can't be bothered to check their individual links. That's your problem. As for me, I am suddenly devoted to this one Jesus in particular, Jesus H Christ, because he's a jerk. And, on a personal note, Jerks Rule! But this one Jerk is a Savior to God's sheep, so Liking him is a win-win situation for sure. Here's a fine selection of Jesus H. Christ's recent status updates: 

And I quote: "Not a bad bathroom shot, if I do say so myself....."

I am loving Jesus more today than yesterday. Thank you Facebook. Having said that, one of the other reasons why I chose to enlarge on Jesus' Facebook Wall is the title. What to Write in Jesus' Facebook Wall. Catchy shit, isn't it? And this is what you write in Jesus' Facebook Wall. 

I haven't posted this in Jesus' Wall yet. Let's keep this a secret, but the thing is, I fear the wrath of Jesus' online flock. All 19,318,814 of them. There is strength in numbers, not to mention the strength in one's online faith. That there is unbelievable. And I don't want to mess with them. For real. See, I could be reported to Facebook. And that will be a threat to my Facebook account. And I don't want to lose my Facebook profile yet, because that there is my only visible association with Jesus these days. And I have a score to settle with that spawn of the devil, Candy Crush. 

1 Made you click. It's the next post, really. And I'll see you guys next week.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Reading is Fun!

**And this here list tells you why.

1. You can buy, or hoard, all the cheap-ass books you want until you are cheap-ass broke. But hoarding books is awful stupid if you can't read. That's like collecting a lot of spandex underwear, and you're not even a wrestler. 

2. You've always wanted to carve your niche in society. And you've always wanted to join the ranks of your social inspirations. Fortunately, some of your efforts did pay off. So you now have the bull cap worn sideways, the oversized jersey, zero individuality, and that funny swagger, but you can't be a jejemon yet if you can't read. If you can't read, then you can't text. And if you can't text, then how can you even hope to retard the reading that you have should have learned in the first place? W46 k~n6 +4n64 ph0w$zzZZ

3. You can't be an accomplished flying voter if you can't even read your cheat sheet, fool. 

4. You will be missing out on some unnecessary gay venom published Friday evenings if you can't read. And, having said that, who the hell cares?

5. You cannot LIKE on Facebook if you cannot read your jejemon friends' status updates. Think about it. LIKES SAVES LIVES these days. And Jesus, oh Jesus, you will find out that Jesus H. Christ himself logs in to Facebook from time to time. Oh hell yes. And the Lord Savior will need your likes to advocate some very noble Christian cause like shooting abortionists on the head. Or Liking the faggots to their death. Via Facebook. For real, homo.

6. I'm sorry, what? You think I'm fucking with you? Well, if it isn't Him, then how come The Savior's holier than thou status updates include a picture of Him? Well? Anything? Answer that, bitch, while I poke the Lord. And I will PM Him, and I will ask Him NOT TO SAVE YOUR UNBELIEVING SOUL! And I will write in the Lord's sacred Wall, too: 

Dear Jesus, please deny (insert your name here) of the salvation that You have promised your sheep. Please, oh please, let (insert your name here)'s soul burn in hell because that uncouth heathen think Your Facebook Account is unwashed blasphemy. Muahness from Pasig Cirehhh! Amen. 

7. And what about this screenshot?


9. Oh hell no, homo. It's three in the afternoon, and this kind of sun doesn't work well with your leathery, fifty-ish skin. Let's face facts, faggot. At your age, you don't want to look that tired AND smell like a heatstroke waiting to happen, right? Oh, I'm sorry, I was writing this on my way home, in an FX, and I saw this old fag sashaying along Julia Vargas. It was three in the afternoon, he didn't have an umbrella, so I had to write something. But insulting that unholy apparition calmed me. I'm good now. Sorry about the sudden bitch fit in caps, though. You know I'm a good Christian. You go, Jesus! Anyway, allow me to continue. 

10. There's a lot of bookish nerds out there. Have something in common! They're mostly virgins, too, so I'd best be learning my alphabet now. However, I am not guaranteeing a date with a circumcised nerd. And "virgins" doesn't always mean "hella cute," okay? 

11. Seriously, homo, that there is The Mistress. You are missing out. 

12. You cannot be a largely ignored gay emo blogger if you cannot read. See, reading progresses to writing. And writing, given the determination or a lot of free time, progresses to blogging. Think about it. You're this gay emo kid who can now read and write. And you know you can use some loving. And a bath. Anyway, you decided to blog. And then your blogging progresses to... ignore #12. Just go to #11. Seriously, homo, that there is The Mistress. 

13. You can use a book to ignore people. And I wrote about that, too. Click here. 

See you homos next Friday. Muahness from Pasig Cirehhh!

Friday, May 10, 2013

Blogsoup # 13: A Question for "Babaeng Baklas," More Hoarding, and Yo Momma

**The Tagalog term "Babaeng Bakla" loosely translates to its English equivalent, which is "Fag Hag." Underscore loosely, and even then, I use the term with certain reservations. Maybe a definition is in order, so here:
Fag hag
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Fag hag is a gay slang phrase referring to a woman who either associates mostly or exclusively with gay and bisexual men, or has gay and bisexual men as close friends. The phrase originated in gay male culture in the United States and was historically an insult.[1] Some women who associate with gay men object to being called fag hags while others embrace the term.
**One of the people that I look up to admits to being more than a Fag Hag; she's a Haggot. And even then, she doesn't have that near-irritating quality that is becoming more and more pronounced among the Fag Hag's Filipina sisters. Anyway, having said that, I remembered I have a question to ask.

Say for instance you are a "Babaeng Bakla." You are no longer the ordinary tag-along Fag Hag. You have evolved. And you are now somewhat irritating. Again, you are a "Babaeng Bakla." Clear? Yes? Thank you.

You are a "Babaeng Bakla." And then, for argument's sake, imagine that we took away your "Bakla" influence. We took away the same "Bakla" that serves as your reference for comic material and relief. We took away the same "Bakla" with the penis and the infectious personality. Maybe your "Bakla" choked to death or something corny like that. Whatever. Erotic asphyxiation? Whatever. Maybe he committed suicide by masturbation. Whatever. Or he got dog-locked, and they cannot pry out that dismembered cock from his butt, and he died from the infection. Whatever. But we took him away. And then, this part here is of paramount importance, we Deprive you of a replacement "Bakla." Forever.

What happens to you now?

More Hoarding: I have purchased three more books after the Encyclopedia of Bad Taste. My makeshift bookshelf now includes When Do Fish Sleep (Chapters and Pages, 05/05/2013, P60, Hardbound), I Saw Da Sign: 100 Funny Pinoy Signages (Powerbooks Megamall, 05/06/2013, P150, Paperback), and The Best of Chico, Delamar, and Gino's the Morning Rush Top 10, Book 2 (Powerbooks Megamall, 05/06/2013, P195, Paperback). It is getting serious. Meanwhile, the Powerbooks outlet in Megamall has this darling copy of The Best of Archie Volume 2. It's a steal at P399, even criminal, and I suppose I can own a copy. Nevermind that I now have a reading backlog; it is P399, and it's Archie Andrews. Volume 2, baby.

Oh, and yes, it will be Mother's Day on the 12th. That's this coming Sunday. So you go on ahead and be a good homo; give your Ma the coronation she deserves. Hop to it faggot. Anyway, I love you so much Mommy!

My next post will include Jesus. I have completed the draft, but I suppose I need to post this first on account of the Mother's Day reference. Also, those links up there redirect to one of my other posts; you might want to check those if you feel like it. And, while you're at it, here's a Mom post. 

I'll see you homos next Friday.

Friday, May 03, 2013


**I can write about another compulsive behavior, but that can give you poor vision, sore arms, a decrease in your sperm count, and, in extreme cases, bleeding palms. So let me write about books instead. I bought me White Trash Etiquette (P60), Jewish as a Second Language (P60), and Monty Python's Complete Waste of Time (P60) last Sunday.  

Chapters and Pages is this obscure, second-hand bookstore which is located in front of a Watson's outlet at the ground floor of the Robinson's Galleria. It's one employee, that smiling and friendly Grace, takes care of the cash box, the inventory, and the over all organization of the merchandise. It has four uniform shelves about four feet high and twenty feet long, and there is two feet in between each shelf. It has one large bin for Buy One Take One books, mostly hardbound, and those run for a hundred pesos (roughly two and a half dollars) for two books. 

Chapters and Pages doesn't have any walls with which to secure it's perimeter. This means anybody can just snatch a book, club Grace on the head with a formidable hardbound until she's unconscious, and walk in stride for discretion. That Grace, poor Grace, can't do nothing about it. Meanwhile, the mall guards are usually being mall guards, which is elsewhere, most of the time. Unless, of course, they're being their notoriously incompetent selves and are tending to a lot of pointless frisking. 

But I get my sanctuary's lack of security. I mean, think about it. What nerd will steal a used book? 

Update1: I bought another book about five days after. I got me The Encyclopedia of Bad Taste, hardbound with the jacket intact, at P120. I noticed the words "Bad Taste" in this delicious purple font screaming like a homo on the cover, and I knew that I have to own this book. I mean, what is P120 for a reckless nerd? This encyclopedia is reference material for "America's Favorite, Flashiest, and Funniest Cultural Extremes." I may or may not read it from end to end. But that's not the problem. The real situation is that I'm hoarding again. And writing about this near-compulsive behaviour doesn't help me none. Hoarding is still hoarding regardless of how you look at it. 

However, if you were cross eyed, and you looked at hoarding, then it will be something like this: 


Update2: This Encyclopedia of Bad Taste has full color pictures of nude men (page 235), big boobs (pages 235, 236, 237), articles about perky nuns, novelty wrestling, and Liberace. It's all that and more for a dirt cheap P120. Honestly, that there is a steal. And I didn't have to club that smiling and friendly Grace on the head with it. 

Update3: The reason why this post has updates is because I wrote this first  on 04/28/2013. On a notebook. 

Update4: With the things are picking up, as far as my posting frequency goes, I suppose I can commit to updating this blog on a weekly basis. For real, homo. Please expect an update every Friday evening. Muahness from Pasig Cirehhh. 


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