Saturday, March 28, 2009

A Carefreeflowing Bitchfit Minus the Caps Lock on Some of the People in Your Office

**This is not a list per se. I'm just ranting at random, and an enumeration make my points easier to follow. This was written two months ago, and I just elected to post this now. One: I'm running out of things to post. Two: I think the things I wrote here affects people that are mostly no longer in the campaign. No blind item-med fags though. So you're not here, my hairy gay bear fren. We miss you.

1. Gullible officemates who

"fall for just about every too-good-to-be-true or too-stupid-to-be-true (etc) rumor out there and then feel the need to babble excitedly about it to everyone!"

I'm quoting him. He gave me the idea for this post, btw.

2. Nonperforming co-workers who are tirelessly looking for excuses to escape the workload. This is during those times when they took the time to report for work and bless us with their presences. But don't get me wrong, they are actually helpful when it comes to some very specific statistics. Like they're great when it comes to contributing to the absenteeism rate.

3. Incompetent figures of authority who, at best, excel in fault finding and power tripping like its nobody else's business. And they've practiced it so well that they've become super ignorant of the fact that they're not helping. They're the same people who, at the same time, had the iron set of balls to tell you they're right and you're wrong, you're always wrong, and there's no way in hell you're winning an argument against them because they're already filing a report for insubordination halfway through your well-meaning and well-rehearsed defense.

They make you want to sit down and wonder what validation does a promotion acknowledge these days?

I heard she's no longer in the program though, and that is such an opportunity missed. I'd like to give her a piece of my mind. It's going to be an all-caps conversation without no keyboards or none.

4. I know this sounds like I'm agreeing just for the hell of it, but believe me when I tell you that you sound happier now that you have resigned from the office. You really do sound pleased, and I'm genuinely happy about the whole situation. Life goes on without you though, if that's your main concern.

5. To your friends that are still here, see number 4, nothing or no one really cares enough to keep you from resigning. Deal with it. So if you wanna flip the finger towards due process, fuck the last thirty days right?, just stop going to work already. Aren't you tired of making excuses?

6. Let me quote Mark Twain:

"When we do not know a person--and also when we do--we have to judge his size by the size and nature of his achievements, as compared with the achievements of others in his special line of business--there is no other way."

So this means NO, the length of your stay in this here company is completely dead to me. I mean, I'm too old for penis envy. Line of business! Ha, what a beautiful coincidental phrase.

7. You know what you signed up for, and what your functions are, and that makes two of us. So if you can read, please do so between the lines.

8. Complaining has never been and will never be a bankable asset. So shut your trap and develop a set of good work ethics this early on.

Friday, March 20, 2009

My Horny Prince

I'm thinking of buying a female siamese cat because my horny Prince is whining me to death with his guttural "meezering."

He's almost a year old, in human years, and I have good reason to believe that he hasn't had any yet. I tried to set the mood between him and this female stray one time, but my Prince, oh my poor insufferable Prince, he wouldn't know THE moves from the stuff in his litter box. He got scratched in the face the moment he started sniffing his female's love Friskie, and he was only hornier ever since. I'm telling you, having a pet's a good thing because they de-stress you for some weird reason, but they will WAIL you out of bed for one other reason or another.

"SHAT your jilted pie hole, you motherfucking baby, we'll get you laid soon enough."

I can throw him in a hamper though...

Saturday, March 14, 2009

The Seven Secrets of Attractive Body Language

**Ain't body language the cutest?

Finally got to finishing the Body Language book I talked about on this post. I now know when to tell if your boss is most likely to agree with, say, a pay raise, when a person's at his horniest, and when to tell if a person's most likely to backstab you senseless. I also learned that cool and collected people use less body language, and I learned that on the last two chapters. Which basically takes a big fat dump at everything else I've learned 300 pages earlier since I'd rather be cool and collected anyway than to learn when to time your flirting.

The Seven Secrets of Attractive Body Language

1. Face: Have an animated face and make smiling a part of your regular repertoire. Make sure you
flash your teeth.

2. Gestures: Be expressive, but don't overdo it. Keep your fingers closed when you gesture, your hands below chin level, and avoid arm or feet crossing.

3. Head Movement: Use Triple Nods when talking and Head Tilt when listening. Keep your chin up.

4. Eye Contact: Give the amount of eye contact that makes everyone feel comfortable. Unless looking at others is a cultural no-no. lookers gain more credibility than nonlookers.

5. Posture: Lean forward when listening, stand straight when speaking.

6. Territory: Stand as close as you feel comfortable. If the other person moves back, don't step
forward again.

7. Mirror: Subtly mirror the body language of others.

Related Posts:

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Horror Movie Review # 33: Skin Walkers

**Seriously, do you really wanna get drowsy?

Directed By: James Isaac
Release Date: 5 September 2007
Running Time: 110 minutes
Language: English
Horror Type: Werewolves. Yawn.
Sex? - I don't think so.
Gore? - Blah.

The only thing lamer than werewolves is gunslinging bulletproof werewolves. And this movie is about gunslinging bulletproof werewolves, so imagine how off the roof this movie has registered. It's got good werewolves versus bad werewolves, some family drama, and a lot of dead lycanthropes pumped with silver bullets.

Dumb shit, really.

Wednesday, March 04, 2009

Presenting the Non Graduates

**We'll be having another surge of graduates in a few more weeks. That means we'll be saying hello to a fantastic swell in the ranks of the unemployed. But I'm not writing this for them.

This goes out to those lazy motherfuckers who have yet to make their parents proud this year, but can't right now because they fooled around too much. I'm talking to you who won't be seeing the gratification behind a diploma because you're not graduating this year. You. Are. Not. Graduating. This. Year. Like you didn't last year. Yes, I'm talking to you who can't relieve your parents yet of their financial support for your stagnating education. And it looks like they will need to sacrifice another year of unrewarded overtime hours thanks to your aimless attempts at college. Yes, I'm talking to you who mastered the intricate science of Bumming with a double degree in Loafing. I'm talking to you who took additional units in Premarital Sex and Alcoholism because your units in Accountancy or Mathematics or what have you are just too gay to be taken seriously.

And it would have been promising were you guaranteed some decent enough job after college. But chances are, you will be more likely to maintain the same work ethic you've been so shamelessly displaying during your college years. You can just imagine it now, cutting work just to get yourself shit faced with the same crowd who pulled you down in your college years. It looks like you'll be a bum for a year or two after your graduation that's three years overdue, and we'll be hearing some very stoopeed excuse like "you need the hiatus." Promising, yes, but its not going to be okay. You're still not graduating this year because you are a lazy, impressionable oaf.

I feel for you though; I finished a four year course in five years maybe for the same exact reasons you have in your defense.


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