Friday, January 13, 2017

How to Medicate a Faggot. Or Some Jokes are Better Said in Tagalog.

**I have written a "maybe" insensitive post about somebody with HIV. However, I am giving myself a week to decide whether to publish or otherwise. I know I'm a jerk, and I could be an extremist jerk, and I know what I wrote could ignite needless debate. The truth is I no longer engage in comments wars because such litter are just as useful to me as a punch in the face. Like the nearly rotting tilapia that is used to make buro, I, too, have matured. 

Meanwhile, here's something I wrote a few years ago. It could be relevant now. It talks about medication, but it's really a study on joke delivery. I have decided to include the comments with this re-post. You should know that there was once upon a time when this blog had such darling action.

First, the joke in the ideal tongue:

Q: Paano mo papainumin ng gamot ang bakla?
A: Ihalo mo sa tamod.

And now, its english equivalent:

Q: How do you medicate a faggot?
A: Mix it with sperm.

My blog is a decidedly English mess, as far as the medium goes, but exceptions are in order if and only if it best gets the point across. Of course, I can choose to use the phrase "mix it with sperm" for consistency's sake, but that spineless translation doesn't hold water. Ihalo mo sa tamod is a killer. And I suppose it is the only judicious method with which to deliver that punchline.

Now if you can please say these lines repeatedly, and if you should be so kind to say it out loud for the benefit of those within earshot:

Ihalo mo sa tamod.  
Ihalo mo sa tamod.  
Ihalo mo sa tamod. 

Surely you, my reader of such individual and refined humor, will agree, hopefully, unless you're autistic, that this Tagalog equivalent, this mischievous mantra, is the only acceptable currency that will make the joke profitable. Mix it with sperm makes it sound like an episode of Junior Masterchef. Or a refresher in Chemical Engineering. This English equivalent weakens the thunder of the joke, bankrupts the toilet humor, and it will embarrass the teller with "polite" reactions. Or it can be a dirty finger, too, depending on the company you're trying to entertain at that time. 

Mix it with sperm. You know you blew the joke somewhere when you're getting paid with reserved smiles. 

Now, here's the kicker. Understand that this joke works best when said by another faggot; there is nothing quite as mentally sound as making fun of yourself. It's an unspoken license, a perk if you may, much like our African-American friends and their N-word. It will, however, appear bigoted and offensive when delivered by a non-member, a non-GL Card holder (GL Card = Ganda Lang Card). This sanction includes you "babaeng baklas." You know we love you, not as much as we love our boys, but we love you just the same. Yes, we allowed you rights to our slanguage, but there are things that are, for lack of a better term, non-transferable. Don't try to circulate this joke for your own benefit. I will scalp you.

What you can do, though, is you can teach this joke to one of your many, many homosexual friends. Let them deliver. It doesn't matter how they say it, or how they do it, but it rolls better, and sounds safer off a homosexual tongue.

Friday, January 06, 2017

An Everyday Kind of Whatever Story

**I have no idea what I wrote here, but I like it. Maybe it's a one-sentence story. 

There was a call center homo who lived a thoroughly boring life that nobody cared to know him and so they didn't.

End of story.


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